Being an empath

I honestly do not know if I have been an empath my whole life.  Now if you’re a fan of the TV show Charmed, I’m not talking about the kind of empath demonstrated by Alyssa Milano’s character, Phoebe.  I can’t literally feel what you’re feeling.  Your emotions don’t become mine, exactly.  But empaths do absorb the moods and emotions of those around them.  And we do struggle to separate our own emotions from those around us.   One thing I do know is that I didn’t even know what an empath was until a few years ago when I went through therapy.  I always thought there was something wrong with me.  That I was just a worry wart, bossy, overly sensitive, had an obsessive need for order. Well, those things may still be true.  But I understand more the why behind who I am so much more now.  

I am an empath.  This isn’t like AA, I’m not going to stand up a proclaim, “My name is Melissa, and I am an empath.”  That would be stating that what I am is a problem that I need to overcome.  Being an empath is not something that I need to change about me.  I didn’t always feel that way.  I didn’t always have people in my life who supported me being the way I am. These days I’m lucky enough to have support and self confidence enough to be able to not only to accept that I’m an empath, but to finally embrace it and see the positives.  And I’ve found that there are many more like me. There are times when it is pretty reassuring that you’re not unique.

Signs You're an Empath

Being an empath has caused some little and big problems in my life.  It isn’t always easy or fun.  Being an empath made me an easy target for a narcissist.  Part of being an empath is wanting to fix people and help people.  So not only did it make me an easy target, but kept me in a relationship where I had no business.  The following link is literally a step by step description of what that relationship went like.  But I love the last one - #24: The empath will be stronger, wiser and more careful about who they give time, affection and love.  There truly is a positive upside to everything and a better way of looking at things.

An Empath and a Narcissist

How does being an empath change your life?   

1. It means that sometimes I just can’t cope with crowds.  It has gotten much better over the years.  Large crowds used to literally scare me and send my anxiety through the roof.  I’ve learned to actually enjoy being at events with lots of friends and family.  
2. It means that I need alone time to decompress.  It used to hurt people’s feelings when I would just ask them to leave me alone.  It used to make people think I was standoffish, anti social, a loner.   I’m not a loner - I love people.  I love visiting.  But when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I need to escape into my own world.  Running helps with that.  Nothing like losing yourself in solace on a run and apparently that is more socially acceptable than just eating your lunch by yourself.
3. I stink at putting my needs first.  Over the years I have had to learn, and constantly remind myself, that I am not being selfish if I do something for myself every once in awhile.  Part of being a good parent (a good friend)  is taking time for yourself and taking care of your mental health too.  I still stink at it, but I am working on it.
4. There is nothing, and I literally mean nothing, that heals my mood and spirits like riding or even just spending time with my horses.  The more time I spend at the barn and with the horses, the better my stress induced psoriasis gets.  I have had people tell me over the years that I should get rid of horses, that I am selfish for keeping them.  I have gotten to the point in my self awareness that I will get rid those people before I get rid of my horses.  They are that important to my emotional well being.
5. I am incredibly sensitive.  My feelings get hurt easily.  I feel emotions intensely and passionately.  All emotions - hurt, anger, happiness, love, you name it, I feel it.  A lot.  People have described me as “moody”.  This is difficult and something I have worked on over the years.  It has been a long uphill struggle to learn to manage and control the emotions.  I have learned not to respond to things right away until I have had a chance to calm down and think things through.  I give myself time outs.  Literally put myself in my room.  I try not to make decisions when I am feeling any emotion too strongly.  Even joy/happiness.  
6. I used to not be able to watch certain movies because they upset me.  I distinctly remember turning off Planet of the Apes because it was too disturbing (the part with the little girl as a “pet” - could not do it).  Now I can watch Criminal Minds.  
7. Part of the problem is that I absorb the emotions of those around me.  That is something I haven’t been very good at working through.  If I’m around someone sad, I’ll immediately feel sadness.  If you’re crabby -I’m crabby.  If you’re quiet, I’ll be quiet and introspective.  It’s so frustrating to not know what you’re really feeling yourself and what emotions you are just picking up from those around you.   
8. Going along with this is the previous one is the quote or advice that so many people give. It has many versions but they all come back to not letting other people control your emotions.  This is about as helpful to an empath as telling a ticked off person to “just relax”. I can get there eventually, but it takes a lot of self talk and support.  It is in my nature to let others’ worries become my worries, their anger my anger, their joy my joy.  Like I’ve been saying,  I’m a work in progress.

9.   Being an empath has also caused me plenty of hurt and pain due to people being disappointing me with their actions, their words, their inability to respect the feelings of others.  I used to get so hurt by people who didn’t treat me the way I treated them.  Or who I felt had betrayed my trust.  I took it as my fault, that I wasn’t good enough or I had done something to make them think it was okay to treat me that way. There is a meme that goes around where it says something about others won’t be as good to you as you are to them. This may be true, but it also shouldn’t stop me from doing everything I can to continue to help others, be there for others and be the best friend that I can be.  Sometimes the only reward we need, is knowing that we did the best we can to be the best person we can be.  

I used to hate being an empath.  It used to make me feel like a crazy person, that there was something wrong with me.  I was always trying to be “less” of who I was, pretending to have it all under control and that no one could hurt me.   But I have an incredible support system now that accepts every bit of me for the way I am. I’ve learned that I can control my reactions and work through a lot of what I’m feeling before I do things I regret later (usually).  And slowly I’m learning that I’m okay, just the way I am.  

The truth about teaching

Being a teacher has to be one of the greatest jobs on earth.  No, I’m not just saying that, I truly mean it. I’m not getting paid to say it.  I’m not getting bonus points with my boss.  I’m not being sarcastic (shocker, I know).  I truly believe that being a teacher is one of the best jobs you can have.  Notice I didn’t say easy.  You have to love a challenge to want to be a teacher.  But with that challenge comes great rewards.  

So let’s talk about what being a teacher is like.  Like I said - it is truly roller coaster.  There are days when I have literally cried on the way home and been willing to hang up my grading pen and strap on the waitress apron for life.  And other days when I feel positively giddy with the my students.  Being a teacher is exhausting.  I’m sure most jobs are.  Some days my own family pays for how mentally tired I am.  There was the time I forgot the tuna in the tuna noodle hotdish.  And the time I cut off my girls, telling them I was sick of repeating myself.  They calmly let me know that I hadn’t repeated myself to them even once - but the day had worn me down.  

Most days being a teacher is amazing. My current class makes me laugh out loud, quite literally, every single day. We get a lot of learning done. But we get a lot of laughing done too. Just don't ask them to cut something out with a pair of scissors. It will take half an hour off of your life that you will never get back.

But there is a flip side to the coin, a few things that challenge teachers to keep us on our toes. I never realized until I had been teaching 6th (and 4th) grade for a couple years how many times I would have to give the deodorant talk. Yes, the deodorant talk as in "wear some" - and "don't be afraid to put it back on after PE". You know the class schedule I hate the most - morning PE. It makes for a long day when you can't open up the windows. Currently we are also struggling with the "one spritz of Axe is enough" talk. I love the smell of Axe - in limited quantities.

Another unique component of teaching are teacher evaluations. I'm sure everyone gets evaluated at their jobs from time to time. It does keep the person honest. I'm not sure how often people's evaluations are solely based on the cooperation of those who would most like to see them get reprimanded by their boss. I always hope and pray that my students think they are the ones being observed, but I teach sixth graders and we all know they are smarter than that.

Teaching also ruins you for normal every day conversations and relations with others.  I've been known to use the "teacher stare" in the line at Walmart.  I spend way too much time telling complete stranger's kids that they need to "change their behavior".  I can't seem to stop myself from correcting people's grammar and once, once I even asked a customer at the Village (when they asked me if they could have curds instead of french fries), "I don't know, can you?"  Thankfully the customer was a former school board member and very understanding. It isn't easy to turn off!  

The other part of being a teacher that most people aren't aware of and I wasn't aware of either became abundantly clear the first year of teaching.  Teachers spend entirely too much of their not-so-abundant salary on materials for their classroom.  Currently my room is in desperate need of pencil sharpeners.  But this poor teacher has spent enough on classroom supplies and hoping that we can all just share and help each other make it through the final quarter.  I know to buy more of them at back to school shopping next fall.  And looseleaf paper.  And binders.  And glue sticks.  I've taken to picking pencils up out of the swept up garbage from the hallway and I'm not afraid to raid our drawers for those pens that everyone steals from the bank and every other local business.  I tell you - the struggle is real.  Students go through pencils, glue and scissors like they are single handedly responsible for keeping office supply companies in business.  

One thing that I can say about teaching is that it is exhausting. I always have good intentions of getting so much done when I get home. But I end up more like this teacher.

But it does make me feel better to know why I'm so tired and it isn't just because I'm old. I never really thought before about the number of decisions I make in a day. It's pretty impressive really for a person who has trouble deciding what to wear each morning when they get up.

 And one every teacher can relate to.  It never fails - I think of this great idea.  Plan it all out.  Purchase the materials.  Set up the lesson and ....

One of the most frustrating things about teaching is the complete lack of time.  There is never enough time.  Time to get done in class what I want to, time to prepare, time to collaborate, time to assess, time to reflect.  

So after all that, after everything that we complain about, I complain about, why would I say that teaching is the best job there is?  

Because of all the million little moments that add up with my kids over the days, weeks, months and yes, even years.  I have taught roughly 400 different kids over the past 18 years and those students have left so many wonderful lasting memories.  

I love watching their faces when they get something they have been struggling with.  Or watching their excitement when they find the words we've been learning in their free reading novels.  Or watch them be moved to tears by an inspirational story I share.  Or hearing them discuss novels in literature circle with the analysis skills that most adults don't possess.  And of course - a favorite, when they learn something in history that they have to say is "so cool".  I love watching them succeed, help others and yes, even tease me from time to time.  I get to work with some of the kindest, most giving and caring people I know.  I tell my students each fall that we are a family and that we need to have each other's backs.  They have never disappointed me. 

Teaching may be one of the hardest jobs that I can think of mentally, but it is also one of the most rewarding.  

And of course there are those little things that make every teacher's day.  Like, I may be poor, but at least I'm teacher poor.  You have no idea how rewarding Sharpies and a personal laminator are.  I have all kinds of shiny preserved documents at my house.  Laminators rock. 

And the treats.  At least once a week there is something yummy to choose from in the lounge.  I try to stay away, I really do.  But sometimes the chocolate cravings are so bad that I swear you could drizzle chocolate over cat food and I would still help myself to a handful. 

The most important thing, the thing that keeps me coming back, day after day, year after year, are the kids.  My kids.  All 400 plus of them.  They were my kids and they will forever be my kids.  I look forward to years to come and a few more kids to add to my family.  

You just sit there....

Anyone who rides horses has heard it all before, “horseback riding isn’t a sport”, “It’s easy, you just sit there”, “the horse does all the work”.  Most of the time it is easy to brush off because we get that people who don’t ride horses would have no frame of reference to understand.  And quite honestly, to the person standing on the ground, if you are doing it right, the goal is to make it look easy.  I can also brush it off because I know that most people’s experience with riding has been.  Someone, somewhere, plopped you on old trusty Rusty and either led you around or your horse followed another horse.  You know kick to go, pull to stop, pull horse’s face off to turn.  That’s not riding.  That’s sitting.  And you’re right, that is easy.  If real riding were easy, there wouldn't be hundreds (maybe thousands) or books and websites devoted to helping riders improve their position through exercise and practice.

I also know that trying to explain it to someone who has no experience is almost impossible.  I can’t really even show you.  Because at the best, I would have you come out and ride my horses.  And I would give you some pointers.  I would probably tell you to sit up a little straighter, try to keep your heels down, and I may even teach you a little bit about how to steer with your feet.  But you wouldn’t get it and I wouldn’t want you to feel bad so I’d give up and just tell you to kick to go, pull to stop and pull said horse’s face off to turn.  And then you’d leave and I’d apologize to my horse and get on him and fix him.  

Someone once overheard me say something about needing to “fix” one of our horses after a lesson.  They asked what that meant.  What it means is this, riding is about being as subtle as you can to achieve the desired result.  Novices are not subtle.  Kick to go, pull to stop is not subtle.  And typically novices want to “go fast” and trot or lope. (which are the two faster gates than walk for you non horse people).  Which usually results in the poor horse having a jackhammer bouncing on their back.  I always feel like I owe my horses a chiro appointment after watching a novice lope and seeing daylight between the saddle and the rider’s butt.  So after a lesson, we need to get back on and remind our horses what it means to be ridden, not sat on.

What it means to be ridden is that the rider should be sitting erect in the saddle, with their shoulders back, but relaxed.  The leg should be long with a straight line able to the drawn from shoulder to hip to heel.  Heels should be DOWN.  Arms should be bent and relaxed.  LIGHT contact on the horse’s mouth.  Lower leg needs to be making slight contact on the horse.  And now, we walk.  

When the horse is moving there are more things to remember.  Keep the leg in contact with the horse.  Squeeze and lift with your lower leg to keep the horse rounded and collected.  Squeeze and relax with your upper leg to keep your seat in the saddle.  Do not move around in the saddle.  Once you start trotting, find the horse’s rhythm and shift your weight side to side to move with the horse, at the lope it is a slight shift forward and back.  Like a trainer once told me, “do not wax the saddle with your ass” - but even worse is coming out of the saddle and bouncing.  All of this requires you to maintain a tight core as while your legs are doing this work, your upper body needs to stay as still as possible, yet relaxed. And keep that straight line from shoulder, to hip to heel.  At this point, heels down!

Now you want to turn?  What part of the horse do you want to turn? If you would like the front end to cross over and make the turn, shift your outside leg slightly forward and apply a firm push with your calf.  You may even need to bump.  For example, to turn right, use your left foot to “push” the shoulder over.  Do you want the hind end to move over?  Then shift your inside foot back and apply that firm push or bump to move the hind end over.  This would be the right foot for a turn to the right.  Use your rein hands to guide your horse’s head or to keep them in position.  You should not need the reins to turn your horse.  Want to speed up?  More leg.  For the trot, side to side constant pressure with the lower leg.  For the lope, outside back leg to push the hip over, lift the horse and get them to lope off on the correct lead.  What’s a lead?  That’s another discussion…

Now your horse is moving a lot.  You still need to be still. Your tendency will be to lean forward.  Don’t do that.  Keep your shoulders back but relaxed.  Heels down.  Your core tight. Do not slouch.  You will also feel like you need to move around.  Don’t!   Heels down. Your legs need to not be moving around on the horse so stay tight!  Keep that leg on.  Heels down.  If your horse breaks gait (switches speeds) it means you’re not using enough leg.  Heels down. If the horse doesn’t move in a straight line, you’re not using enough leg.  Heels down.  If the horse isn’t moving correctly with their rib cage lifted, hip under, hock deep, shoulders lifted, head level; you’re not using enough leg. Pretty much - if things aren’t going right, use more leg.  

That’s western.  In English (or hunt seat), you need to take a posting trot.  In a posting trot, you raise yourself slightly out of the saddle on the correct diagonal, moving with the horse’s motion.  You lean forward ever so slightly, again, moving with the horse.  A firm core is super important here.  Use your thighs and butt, but keep that lower leg still and firm against the horse’s side.  You need to propel your horse forward using your seat.  It is not “bouncing” out of the saddle.  If you are bouncing, you are doing it wrong.  Your horse should feel you using your seat, not feel his back being pummeled by a sack of potatoes. The canter/lope is very similar, only a shorter stirrup for English can make sitting still for the more forward canter a bit more of a workout.

That’s just pleasure riding.  I don’t even know how to ride games, there are a whole new set of rules for that.  Heck, let's be honest - I know how to ride pleasure, that doesn't mean I can. I forget where my legs are supposed to be, my hands, my shoulders, honestly - I sometimes forget to breathe. But in every horse themed sport, the basics are the same, a good seat is a good seat.  Want to change it up again, throw a fence out there to cross.  Or poles.  Or a steer.  

Still think riding is easy?  All this was discussing what riding is like on a broke horse, that doesn’t want to get you off or get out of work any way possible.  Now try doing all of those things on a young horse who doesn’t know what you’re asking, or even if they really want to do what you just asked.  In fact, they are pretty sure your ideas suck and getting back to the barn or their buddies sounds like a way better idea.  Balance is important on a broke horse, balance is literally a lifesaver on a young horse.  So you fell off at 10 mph from 10 feet up. Bummer. Get back on. Your horse can't learn that all they have to do is get you off and you quit riding, because then you've created a monster. Guess what said horse will do next time you get on. Your ride to the ground will be much quicker and more unexpected. True riders ride when it hurts, when it feels great and sometimes, when you don't even remember getting back on.

And that is just the fun part of riding.  That’s the actual riding.  What about the work of keeping a horse?  There are 50-75 pound bales of hay and straw to move.  Stalls full of pee soaked straw and shavings to shovel out and clean.  There are water buckets full of 5 gallons of water, fence to fix, tack to carry and even the act of grooming is an upper body workout.  Curry in circles, scrub and move the dirt.  It gets me panting every time.  Again, if you’re doing it right.  And our sport doesn’t stop on cold days, rainy days or windy days.  Horses need to be fed every day and they just don’t seem to stop crapping it out the other end either.

I’m sure you’re still going, “I don’t get it.”  And if you do, you’re probably wondering why in the world anyone would put themselves through all that.  It definitely isn’t for the ribbons!  Horse crazy people will never be able to explain it.  But the truly great thing is that there are a lot of horse crazy folks like us out there.  So we don’t expect you to get it.  We get each other and that’s enough.  

A Whole Lotta Horse Show Firsts

I titled this blog “ A Whole Lotta Horse Show Firsts”, yes fellow grammar nazis - lotta.  I’m nursing a pretty good horse show hangover and I can use incorrect grammar for literary effect if I want to.  So sit down, stop your sputtering and just read.  

This weekend the first show of the MEC (MN Equestrian Center in Winona) show series was held.  We discussed this series last winter as we love showing at the MEC but decided that with the wedding we would save our money and just show SEMSCA again this year.  We have young horses that still need a lot of work and didn’t feel they were up to competing at the level that this show draws in.  But it was offered to us that I could work off some of our fees by announcing and Libby could show.  

So this was a weekend of a lot of firsts for Libby and I, and not all of them so great.  But as with anything in life, you have to take the good with the bad.  For example, some of the good firsts were that it was Coupe’s first ever show and Ace’s first show at an indoor facility.  You might think that doesn’t have challenges all it’s own.  Ace and Coupe would disagree, which leads us to some of the bad firsts.  Both decided that they couldn’t possibly be expected to go out and perform without their best friend forever at their side and had to throw their little temper tantrums and put their little hoof down.  There was a lot of “no, I won’t go.  Make me.” and a whole lot of screaming back to the barn for “save me, friend!!!!”  But Libby isn’t one to say, “you don’t want to?  Okay you don’t have to.”  So I am not sure where they got the idea that was going to work.  This led to another, not so great, first for Libby.  Ace was such a knothead (trying to keep it family friendly) in his first riding class that he had to come into the center and watch the rest of the class from the center of shame (Libby’s more so than his).  That was a first for Libby.  Rearing through a showmanship pattern was also a first for Ace and Libby.  At this point in the day, Libby pretty much would have given Ace to the first person with a $20 bill and a Dr. Pepper.  But she’s not a quitter so we kept plugging away at the day.  

Libby was pretty in love with Coupe on Saturday, despite his constant whinnying, and was very proud of his first placings.  One in bareback walk trot and one in egg and spoon walk/trot.  He brought home her only judged placings for the weekends and we know we have a lot of work to do with both Ace and Coupe!  Sunday, Coupe moved to the shit list by adding another first to Libby’s list of firsts.  Sunday was her first time ever getting dumped in a class.  It was English equitation and at this point Coupe decided he had had enough of being away from his buddies.  So he turned the far corner and decided to pick up speed and race to the gate.  Libby checked him back and he gave a sign of his disgust by letting out a hop.  Now, Libby expected him to hop and bolt for the gate.  Coupe decided to hop and slam to a stiff legged stop.  Libby kept going to the gate.  So Libby got to experience the embarrassment of being an arena dart for the first time.  The emergency dismount led to another first for Libby.  Ever had the wind knocked out of you?  Yeah - a not so much fun first experience.  Coupe thought he was going to get to be done for the day, he was not so lucky.  Thank you Aimee for making sure he learned that being a dick doesn’t earn you a free pass and a lunch.  (At least not in horse show land with a barn full of riders capable of kicking your butt.)

That leads us to another first.  Libby got to experience finishing a show where everything hurts a little and some things hurt a whole lot.  But I’m extremely proud of her.  It reminded me a little of the time her sister asked her if she was going to “cowgirl up or just lay there and bleed” - Sophie was maybe 4 at the time.  Libby definitely cowgirled up.  She missed one class and was back in the saddle for western.  She still rode both horses and she and Coupe even pulled out a placing in walk/trot western horsemanship.  Pretty impressive considering I’m sure she felt more like curling around the horn and slumping than worrying about having good equitation.  

This weekend wasn’t all about near disasters and horses needing brain transplants.  This was our first time stalling with some amazing new friends.  I even found a couple people addicted to LulaRoe as I am.  Like I told them “I have found my people”.  

It was also my first time ever announcing.  I was extremely nervous!  But I found out it wasn’t as hard as I thought.  It was actually even fun.  I had my moments where I forgot to shut off the mic.  Personal favorite was when I had it on and turned around to find Mallory in my stuff and yelled at her.  Over the loudspeaker.  I was also trying to multitask and take pictures of Libby while announcing so shared my camera noises with the entire facility a few times.  Apologies.  I massacred a few names but I figure Liberty has been Liberta and Lebetary so, at least I got right the names that are actual words.  We all make mistakes right?  I don’t expect announcers to get Kiehne right so people can’t expect me to get names that aren’t Smith and Jones right either.  Just saying…  My biggest fear was leaving it on when I went to the bathroom, apparently that has been done, so it’s a win that I avoided that catastrophe.  All in all, I had a blast and had a great ring crew and judges to work with.  We had a lot of laughs, especially by games when a lot of us were all a little at the slap happy stage anyway.  Sorry, gate crew that I didn’t get your names.  But I promise to never forget your help and your sense of humor.  

And probably the highlight of Libby’s weekend, it was her first time riding Lilly, a game horse she borrowed from our friend Mallory.  Libby had her heart set on gaming this weekend and mentioned it to Mallory.  Mallory had just the horse for her to run.  And incidentally, it was a first for Lilly too as it was her first time ever being gamed with someone other than Mallory.  Despite never having practiced together, the two of them did amazing.  Their times were almost always in the top two for their age group and the smile on Libby’s face was so fun to see.  

We had our ups and downs this past weekend, but like I said - you have to take the good with the bad. But there is no such thing as a bad horse show.  All horse shows are the best way to spend your hobby time.  Thanks to everyone who helped us out and our crazy ponies.  Here’s hoping that we got the first show nonsense out of the way and we can look forward to better rides ahead.  

Faith in Humanity

There are so many negative stories and people hating on each other out there, that I’ve taken to trying to improve my mood and what shows up on my Pinterest.  For those of you who don’t have Pinterest, you can choose to follow certain boards of family friends and topics you’re interested in.  But the rest of the “pins” that show up in your feed are chosen by Pinterest based off of what you’ve been searching.  In an effort to keep my Pinterest more positive (and not all wedding and recipe) I started searching “faith in humanity”.  I was not disappointed.

These are just a small sampling of some larger pins that I have saved.  Every single one I read makes me feel better.  Not just because I know there are still good people out there.  But because someone else is putting these stories together.  Someone else is taking their time to find positive stories and share them in a way that people can easily view.  These stories are inspiring.  They inspire me to be better, do better and have hope.  That’s what makes my world go around.  Stories of people helping people.  

Inspiring Video from No Racism No War

Sometimes these stories show up on Facebook as videos.  I have one saved that I shared with my class the other day before we wrote essays with the topic/theme of “winning isn’t everything”.  I’ve watched this video a dozen times and I still get choked up.  The ones that really get me are the kids.  I see kids helping kids all the time.  I have a lot of faith in our young people and hope for our future.  But these kids, they go above and beyond and sacrifice their wants for someone else’s happiness.  That’s something you don’t get to see every day.  I know so many of "my kids" would do the same and I count myself lucky that I get to work with them every single day. Which makes me think of another blog I should write...

Have "faith in humanity" and let's look for the good, not the bad! Take a minute - type it in your google image search and brighten your day. It always helps mine.

Life after a narcissist

This blog has been a long time coming.  Like a LONG time.   But there are so many emotions wrapped up with finally putting it down in print and being willing to put it out there to the public. Not the least of those is fear, a year later I still fear him. I’ve alluded to some of my past in previous blogs, but never taken the time to try to make sense of what happened and never considered sharing it with the general public.  Why now?  Because I never knew there were so many of us that had survived life with a narcissist.  After getting free myself I found a few pages and groups to try to make sense of what happened.  And it was a lifesaver to me.  I realized I was not alone, I was not stupid or naive, that it is a very real disease/disorder and that there was life after.  But what I didn’t realize, was how many of my very own friends, family, and acquaintances have been caught by a narcissist.  

I have done a TON of research on narcissism and surviving narcissistic abuse.  I know that it comes as no surprise to all of you that I read everything I could get my hands on about it.  All of it gave me this “aha” feeling of “I wasn’t just imagining it!” or “It wasn’t just me!”  It may seem unreal, but the more I knew, the better I felt.  So I read and absorbed everything I could.  

Psychology Today says that Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be defined as follows:  The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an "injury" in the form of criticism or rejection.

Okay - so that’s a whole lot of stuff right there.  And I can see why people often confuse a narcissist who is just a selfish asshole.  They are so similar.  But a true narcissist, clinically  has the symptoms of the disorder, is so much more than selfish.  They have to be smart for one.  Because they will lie and manipulate in such in depth, creative ways that a normal, rational human being can’t believe they are being manipulated because it doesn’t seem possible.  My ex prepared his lies months in advance of our relationship.  Laying the groundwork and preparing the backstory brick by brick.  There were stories about each of his ex’s (well - the ones he told me about, not the ones I found out about later) that painted them as the crazy ones so I would know not to listen to them.  There were stories of childhood abuse and emotional trauma so I wouldn’t trust his parents.  There were stories about injustices at work, in relationships and even stories that contradicted my very own memories from when I knew him when he was younger.  But so cleverly worded and worked that they made me question my version of the past.  

Narcissists tend to target empaths/”fixers” or people who see the good in everyone and want to help others.  Sounds like a good thing, right?  Except you can’t fix a narcissist, which is another big difference between a generally selfish person and a true narcissist.  A selfish person can be made to see the error of their ways.  They are capable of feeling bad when they hurt someone.  A narcissist does not.  Oh they will pretend to, but they are not sorry.  They are afraid of being caught.  Of being the one who gets dumped.  Of losing control of their “story” and not being in charge of how it goes. They will pretend to be sorry and beg you to forgive them.  My ex changed his story just enough for me to constantly feel like I had to stay.  At first it was a physical issue and I wasn’t being supportive or I was asking too much of him even though he was “injured”.  I couldn’t be the woman who dumped the injured guy.  When it kept progressing I was told he had reactive attachment disorder or maybe he was a narcissist - you see, yes, HE even said he had it in an attempt to make me feel sorry for him and want to stay to help him get better.  But I cannot say it enough.  You cannot cure narcissism.  Therapists can’t even cure it - they are too good at lying and manipulation for a therapist to get through to.

My ex was serial cheater.  He needed that constant attention, the thrill of someone new wanting him to keep him feeling good about himself.  I was not enough.  But he had excuses for every time he got caught.  The first time he got caught, it was my fault and his injuries fault.  My fault because he thought I was cheating on him so it was okay to cheat on me.  And his injury’s fault because he felt like less of a man so he searched her out to feel better about himself.  That actually may have been the most honest thing he ever admitted to.  The next time I caught him on his phone cheating I was told he was helping another woman with a similar injury.  She was supposedly suicidal so he couldn’t tell her he was in a relationship when she hit on him.  Another instance was a crazy woman who was stalking him and making up the texts that she sent me.  You’re probably asking yourself, how stupid was she to believe all these lies?  I could reply with “pretty stupid” - at least looking back.  But there are some things that led up to this that I will, most likely, not be able to explain well enough for someone who hasn’t lived it to understand.  

By the time these instances of cheating started coming to light, I was well into the gaslighting stage of the relationship.  I had come to believe that I couldn’t trust my gut, that I had the mental problems, that I was lucky to have him to put up with me and stand by me, and that I was making a big deal out of nothing.  I didn’t go into the relationship thinking he was a psychopath.  No one would go into a relationship with a narcissist if they didn’t wear a mask at the beginning.  Experts call this the “idealization phase”.   This is where the narcissist finds out everything about you and tries to transform to become your ideal partner.  They pretend to like the things you like, to want the same things in life, and tell you all the wonderful things about you that they can manufacture.  As you gain trust and start telling them your worries and fears, they do everything to prove to you that they are the exact opposite, they would never treat you that way.  As someone who was coming out of a relationship where I had been called “the dumbest smart person he ever met”, I soaked every bit of the new attention up.  I was naive.  I was blind.  But I refuse to believe I was stupid.  

Once you move out of the idealization phase, the narcissist starts seeing how far they can push you and you will still stay with them and forgive them.  This gives them great power over you.  How badly can they treat you and you will stay?  Think about it - this makes them feel all powerful, like they are some great prize you can’t give up.  But in order to do that, they have to remove people from your life that would point out the obvious to you.  That he/she isn’t treating you right.  My ex started with one of my best friends, quickly moved to my family and then tried to chip away at my remaining two good friends.  When I would comment that we didn’t go anywhere or do anything, I was told it was because my anxiety made people not want to hang around me.  I made people uncomfortable and I wasn’t fun.  I remember being horrified by that.  I still can’t believe I believed that, but I do remember sharing with some of my friends and them reassuring me that I was not the problem.  

I was told I was lazy, by the same man who never worked a day the entire time he lived with me (2 ½ years) until the last month.  I was lazy because I didn’t put a dish in the dishwasher because it was full.  Instead of immediately emptying the dishwasher, I put it in the sink.  My body was repulsive, my house was pathetic, my standards were too low (he may have been right about that when it came to him), my friends were liars and drunks, etc…  And all the while my gut is screaming “This isn’t right!  This isn’t how people in relationships treat each other.”  I remember crying one night and saying, “I just want someone to love me like I love them.”  I was told that I was being ridiculous.  Everyone loves differently and I was incredibly selfish to want someone to love me the way I loved them.  People, when you’ve been told something long enough, by someone you view as intelligent and observant, you believe it.  Looking back I can see how incredibly ridiculous it all sounds.  I have written pages in my journal of responses I wish I could go back and say instead of the pathetic backstepping and apologizing (yes I apologized for his mistakes) that I did do.  I cannot explain why I felt it was my fault.  I cannot explain why I ignored my gut.  I cannot explain why I never stood up for myself.  But I didn’t.  

I remember when I finally got out someone who was angry with me for my behavior during this time didn’t believe me when I said I got because of my therapist.  That therapy had finally empowered me enough to give me the strength to walk away.  During the course of the argument this person tried to claim that my therapist didn’t help me, I had no choice but to leave because he cheated on me.  I didn’t bother to try to correct him and let him know that the final time he cheated on me was not even close to the first or only time.  And that was only what I knew then.  More instances came out AFTER I asked the ex to leave.  I didn’t have to leave.  I had the strength to leave.  That was huge and that was new.

I owe a lot to my therapist.  I saw him over the course of a year.  Hit and miss, sometimes not for a few months at a time.  And then towards the end I saw him a lot.  My ex was not happy.  He felt that my therapist was trying to get me to break up with him.  He may have been right.  But what my therapist was really trying to do was get me to have my own self worth again, get me to see that I could survive on my own again, get me to realize that I was stronger than I thought I was and that there might be someone else out there who didn’t make me feel depressed, anxious and afraid.  He reminded me to trust my gut and stand up for myself.  He reminded me that my happiness was MY responsibility and that if I wasn’t happy, I needed to do something about it.  

Many of you know that I discovered the final instances of cheating because I picked up his computer, which he had given me the password to from the beginning and looked through his emails and Facebook messages.  And the crazy thing, I felt incredibly guilty about it.  And he knew me well enough to know I would.  As he refused to leave right away and we spent a couple weeks trying to coexist, I tried to keep the peace.  But he was just angry because “I had violated his privacy and his trust.”  Ummm… excuse me?  I violated YOUR trust.  Narcissists can’t see that they are wrong.  It is not in their power.  One night as I was arguing with him and telling him to get out, he blamed me for the cheating.  It was my fault because I had told my family about the first instance so he had to keep cheating.  *insert eye roll here

Why on God’s green earth would I share this story with the world at large?  It is easily one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Looking back over that time makes me feel incredibly gullible, naive, weak and stupid.  It has taken tons of research for me to see that what happened to me was not unique and that’s the scariest part about it all.  I share my story not to make myself look like an idiot, and absolutely not to make anyone feel sorry for me.  I’m a big girl, an adult and made decisions all on my own.  A lot of them really really sucked.  I joked once that I shouldn’t be allowed to make any decisions for a period of time until I got my head completely out of my butt.  But there was edge of truth to that.  So no pity party here.

I share this story because I learned a ton from it.  I learned that I was stronger than I thought.  I learned not to judge people by how they act on the outside because you don't know what inner battles they are fighting or battles they are fighting at home.  I learned that not all women are okay with being in a relationship with a cheater.  All the women that found out about me had the courage to tell me and tried to help me see the light.  They all broke things off and were disgusted by his behavior.  I learned which of my friends would always be there and would drop everything at a moment's notice to be by my side. I learned what I wanted in a relationship and that I was worth waiting for the right man, the real thing to come along. 

I share my story because I have seen it pop up on my Facebook a few times in the past couple of weeks.  It’s happening or has happened to people I know.  People I see around town.  People that I respect and wish better for.  I want them to know that I’m here.  I lived it and I’m here to listen.  They aren’t alone.  They aren’t crazy, or stupid either.  They fell for a skilled manipulator who was very good at what they do.  Who probably has had a lot of practice.  My therapist told me I was lucky to get out when I did.  I don’t think it had anything to do with luck.  I think it had everything to do with my friends that stood by me, my therapist who pushed me to see my strength, my own self worth finally overcoming what others had been telling me and realizing being alone had to be better than where I was.  But mostly God saying, “Enough is enough.  This is not my plan for you.”  

I hope that if anyone out there is reading this and thinking that my story sounds like their own, they take my words to heart.  Love isn’t supposed to be hard.  Get out.  Get help.  Get on with your life.  There is life after a narcissist.  And it is great.