Parenting advice from a parent - who screws it up regularly

I've seen a lot of kids over the years and I sure love them, my own the most of course.  So when I see people complaining about "kids these days", it really infuriates me.  There will always be good or "bad" kids.  But when we label a kid as a "bad" kid, maybe we should look at where that kid comes from first.  Kids aren't born racist, violent, or as bullies.  Those behaviors are taught.  Every newborn is born as a clean slate.  What we, as parents and educators, choose to fill that slate with, directly determines what that child grows up to be like as an adult.

With that said, you know what every parent LOVES to hear?  Parenting advice!  Especially from someone who screws it up regularly.  But let's make a list of things we know we should do, wish we would do and hadn't thought of before.   Some of these suggestions may be typical parenting advice.  Some may not be so typical.  What they are is a combination of what I have seen work in my household (or not work), what I have observed working for successful students and what I have heard worked for friends and family.

1.  Limit screen time:  Ugh - I know!  Who wants to have that fight with their kids?  But there isn't a study out there that says more screen time is good for our kids.  Get them off their phones and communicating with real live people.  Invite friends over (and take away the phones).  Have a game night with the family.  Have a cookout.  Go for a walk.  Work on homework together.  Read a book.  Do an art project.  Do something!  But don't let them hide behind their phones (or other devices), endlessly.   It's something we all struggle with individually and I get that.  But how do we help our kids not become so dependent on their devices?  Through modeling and expectations.

2.  Phones at night:  Collect their phones at night before bedtime.  Yep, my Sophie is going to hate that I shared this one because she HATES that I do this.  None of her friends have to have their phones taken from them of course.  But I'm okay with being the mean mom.  Kids need to shut it off and shut down; much earlier than they think.  My kids hate that I make them get up in the morning too.  They NEED their sleep.  Funny, but if you'd go to bed before 11:00, you might be able to get up in the morning?  You know what else they don't need - drama when they are trying to sleep.  More on that later.

3.  Bedtime:  Which brings me to bedtimes - kids need bedtimes and they need to be made to stick to them.  I love the meme going around about how kids at bedtime become philosophers.  Kids are experts at procrastinating and pushing back the bedtime.  But it is important to have them and stick as close to them as you possibly can.  Routine is good - but getting enough sleep is even better.  Sleep keeps the red eyed, scowling, growling, grow fangs and suck the life out of you behavior almost away.

4.  Homework time:  If you're going to have a bedtime, you now what else you need?  Homework time.  I've been blessed that I have overachieving kids.  They WANT to do well on their schoolwork so they typically don't need to be told to do their homework.  But I also have procrastinators.  And in order to keep us from the dramatic, "OMG this project is due tomorrow and I need stenciled letters, poster board, 14 shades of blue paint and a partridge in a pear tree", we have to have homework time.  However, that said,  we admittedly suck at it.  I was better when they were younger, I promise.  Today it looks more like every night we do ask if they have homework, should be working on homework or are missing homework.  IF we get (when) a missing assignment notice, they are questioned about that assignment and we don't trust them when they say "I turned that in". (Sorry, not sorry)  I typically email or contact the teacher to make sure my little darlings aren't filling me full of "get me out of trouble" bullshit.  PS - If your school has JMC you can sign up to get notified every time your child has a missing assignment, misses a class or drops below a certain grade.

5.  Love all things school related:  Yeah, this is the unconventional advice.  Pretend you love every subject.  Or at least stress how you wished you had learned it, wished you had a better attitude about it or would love to learn more about it now.  Nothing shuts a student's learning down faster than a parent saying, "I'm not surprised you're not good at it.  I wasn't either."  (Guilty of that one and I KNOW how damaging it is.)  Or "you don't need to know that anyway so who cares".  Guarantee you that if we are teaching it in school, they do need to know it and may use it again.  Your child may or may not take your career path.  How are you to say what they do and don't need to know in their future?  Holy - our future is changing faster than we can keep up. Even if they follow your exact career path, who's to say they won't need whatever it is you're saying they won't need.  So yes - fake it.  You may not believe it, but they need to hear it.  Loving all things school related also means supporting your child's teacher.  If your little angel knows that you expect them to be a little angel at school and that if they aren't a little angel they will have consequences at home TOO, it is amazing that your little angel might actually behave like the little angel they can be.

6.  Set goals:  It's okay to push your kids.  Be respectful, be kind, make sure you praise along the way, but set high expectations.  Expect them to succeed in the activities they set out to do.  I'm not saying that you should expect them to get straight A's.  Set a goal for each project, each assessment.  Help them study for a test and tell them - "Let's get the vocabulary section right!  I'll help you make flashcards."  I'm not saying they should lead the team in points or rebounds.  Set a goal for the game.  Tell them, "Hey tonight - let's get a couple rebounds and pass that ball."  Set goals so that our kids can feel the joy of accomplishing them AND the failure of defeat.  It's okay to not reach our goals.  It's NOT okay to never try.  Maybe the goal has nothing to do with what you think it should.  I remember when one of Sophie's goals at a horse show was to make one new friend.  Isn't that what sports should be about?  Meeting people, teamwork, personal goals....  So set those personal goals and push your kids to reach them.  In this day in age with participation awards, we can't rely on society to push our kids to succeed, we have to do that for them.

7.  Positive attitude:  Expect a positive attitude from your kids (most of the time).  Of course we know that everyone has a bad day some of the time, but in general, we need to model and expect a positive attitude from our kids.  Remind them that many of the things they are complaining about and saying "suck", they can't change.  So they can go into it with a positive attitude or kicking and screaming.  Which is going to be more enjoyable and helpful in the long run?

8.  Obey the law:  Seems like a pretty simple one to wrap your brain around?  Right?  Not so simple for some parents apparently.  Teach your kids that it isn't okay to break the law, even if you don't agree with the law.  If you want to contest a law, take it to the legislature.  But drinking under age is not okay.  Speeding or driving recklessly is not okay.  Even breaking a city ordinance is not okay.  And guess what parents, teaching our kids that "It's only against the rules if you get caught" is shitting parenting.  Not a popular opinion with some people, I get that.  But then, I'm not entirely popular with those people anyway so... eh?  The truth is that we need to teach our kids that laws are there for a reason and we need to respect that.  The health and well being of others is just as important as our own wants.

9.  Relationship skills:  Teach your kids relationship skills.  They are going to have to deal with people the rest of their lives.  They are going to be employees and possibly employers.  They are going to have to call the electric company, get a loan, order food at a restaurant, etc....  Kids need help with relationship skills.  We need to teach them that sometimes things won't go their way.  Sometimes they will get in an argument or become angry with another person.  How are they going to deal with that?  Are they going to yell, scream, talk bad about that person, etc....?  Or are they going to sit down, have a civil discussion and work through the difficulties?  If we want our kids to exhibit mature and rational relationship behavior, we need to model it for them.  Stop talking about others behind their backs.  Stop judging others.  Stop jumping to conclusions without the facts.  Stop believing everything you read on the internet.  Demonstrate for them that you can have an open, civil discussion and sometimes..... here's the real shocker.... you can even be wrong!

10.  Be involved:  You know what I notice about the highly successful students in my classroom?  Their parents are involved.  They know what is going on at the school (read all those annoying notes home and sign up for communication with the teacher, etc... ) and they participate when they can.  They attend school functions and care about their school being successful.  Their demonstration of pride in the school carries over into their students.  It's absolutely amazing.

11.  Chores or responsibilities:  It's a science.  Kids need responsibilities and chores to stay centered and see value in themselves in the family unit.  They also need to learn to take care of themselves a few jobs at a time.  If we do everything for our kids, what are they going to do when they have to go out on their own?  Talk about culture shock.  They will be back begging to live in mom and dad's basement until they can find a significant other who was raised right to take care of them.  There is no reason our younger kids can't set a table, empty a dishwasher, feed the dog, run a vacuum, etc...  There is no reason our older kids can't cook a meal, do their own laundry, mow the law, and so much more.  You may think you're helping your kids by doing it for them, and for sure sometimes it is easier on us to just do it ourselves.  Unfortunately, being a parent means putting the kids first and that means responsibilities and expectations.

12.  Stop bailing them out: I get it, I really do.  It's hard to see our kids struggle and fail.  It's hard to see them make mistakes and suffer the consequences.  But think back to yourself growing up and even as adult.  How did you learn?  Which lessons did you learn and never forget?  I'm betting that your most memorable lessons were from your worst failures/mistakes.  We need to stop bailing out our kids and let them take responsibility, and face the consequences, for their actions.  The best thing we can do for them, is help them see that a failure or mistake doesn't mean the end, but instead teach them to use it as an opportunity to grow.

13.  Be kind:  The final and most important lesson of all, be kind.  We need to teach our kids to be kind, and that means setting the best example possible.  Teach your kids that they don't know everyone's story and to stop judging others.  Stop complaining about that waitress, that store clerk, that guy on the end of the marketing call.  Stop being impatient at the store, the laundry, or in your car.  Be respectful and be kind.  Be generous and be forgiving.  Be a model of the kind of person you want your kids to grow up to be and remember they are always watching (and you better believe the are watching when you screw it up.)  Admit your mistakes and show them how to say they are sorry, and mean it!  

Well, I literally having been working on this blog and coming back to it for a month now.  I think it is time to wrap it up and put it out there for all to see.  I'm sure that if I kept it unpublished I could continue to add to it and work on it.  I have lots of ways I want to be a better parent, and I am sure you do too.  Maybe you can share some of your parenting advice (from someone who screws it up regularly) in the comments!  The more the merrier!

Good girls and bad boys

The other day my stepson shared a meme on social media.

It isn't brand new information or a brand new theme.  We've all heard it before.  As much as I would like to argue with him, I've seen it happen.  I've seen it with friends, but also students and ..... dare I admit this ..... *cough*, I may have thought "he's too nice", myself.  But let me explain!!!  I have a theory, allow me to elaborate.

I think, in general, most girls want the good guy.  They want to be treated well, be respected and have the guy that their parents approve of.  I know that personally, I never went looking for a "bad boy".  I thought that the guys I dated were good guys, maybe deep down or maybe some of them just didn't show it to everyone else, but they said nice things so they must be good guys?  Right?  To be fair to me, most of them started out acting like good guys.  I admit that it is bizarre how a girl can convince herself that as long as they say sorry and say nice things some of the time, this complete jerk that they are with is really a nice guy "underneath".  Looking back at all the rationalization I did for those jerks makes me cringe.  Why the heck would anyone put up with that nasty behavior to dig at some good behavior under all the crap?  It doesn't make sense.  But as I've blogged about in the past, as it happens time and again you start to believe that the "good guys" don't really exist.

So.... then along comes a good guy, right?  And he's in trouble from the start.  You know why?  Because he comes off as the good guy.  And that.... well that just seems suspicious.  Like, what's he hiding with all this nice guy stuff?  And maybe you give him another chance and if he's still nice?  Well that's just creepy.  That's not how guys are. He must be hiding something.  Sound crazy?  It probably is.  But that's exactly what went through my head with Tim.  You probably remember my exact words to Libby, "he's too nice."  Lucky for me I have a really smart kid and she told me that I had been with lazy, crazy and mean so maybe it was time to try nice.  Did I mention she is smart?  Like really smart?

What we seem to have a hard time learning, at least some of us anyway, is that good guys aren't just good guys "underneath".  If he truly is a good guy, he's a good guy all the time, even when his drinking buddies are listening.  He loves you all the time, even when you're driving him crazy.  He's patient and kind.  He treats others with respect.  He asks you what you want, what you want to do, what your hopes and dreams are.  He respects your choices, even when he doesn't agree.  He encourages you to have your own likes and supports you in them.  If you have to make excuses for your "good guy", if you're embarrassed by him or feel like you don't want others to know what he said or did.... he isn't a good guy.

Here's the deal, all you good guys out there (and my stepson is one of the best), keep on being you.  We dumb girls will give you a chance.  Eventually.  And after all those bad boys have dumped on us, you are going to seem like a dream come true.  We will appreciate you more, love you deeper and hold on to you tighter.   Worth it.

Music brings the memories

This past snowy weekend, we decided to watch a few movies together.  We settled on a good old comedy and sat down to share in the laughter and hilariousness of the movie "Tommy Boy".  About halfway through the film, there is a scene where David and Chris sing along to the song Superstar by The Carpenters.  I began singing along to it and commented how much I loved The Carpenters.  Of course Libby and Carter both had never heard of them and Libby talked about the music from my younger years.  I explained that I was more of an '80's kid than '70's, but of course that meant nothing because she had still never heard of the Carpenters.  That song that night led me to download their Gold: Greatest Hits album to my iTunes.

All this week I have driven to work, singing along with Karen Carpenter at the top of my lungs.  I will never cease to be amazed at some of their hits and her singing talent.  I know I sound like my parents when I say, "they just don't have to sing like they used to", but it is so true.  These older artists didn't have the luxury of auto tuners and the many other ways that current artists can hide in the digital era.  Karen could sing.

But it isn't just the amazing vocals, the catchy melodies, or the rhythm that sucks me into these old songs.  It's the memories that flood back when I hear them.  I grew up in a musical family.  Music is a part of almost every memory I have, from my earliest memories until today.  As early as I can remember my dad and I were singing together.  One of the first songs I remember from my childhood is "Side by Side", I can still sing it by heart.  My mom used to tell stories of how I would stand on the pickup seat next to my dad (it was the 70's - I survived, don't panic) as he drove between farms and we would sing it at the top of our lungs.  My other early memories center around following my dad to barbershop quartet/chorus practices, performances and contests.  I still know the words to virtually every old barbershop standard.  And for fun, one day while shopping "Hello Mary Lou" came on.  I was instantly transported back to watching my dad in that white splatter painted tuxedo, competing for a district championship.  I'm not ashamed to that I burst into song while picking out my groceries.

I loved every minute of that barbershop life.  My favorite were the contests.  Where you were literally surrounded by music 24/7.  Every elevator ride or group hanging out in the hallway would find 4 guys for each part and sing a tag, or an old standby.  I knew them all and then some.  I couldn't get enough of 4 part harmony and I'll be honest that I still have a few barbershop songs loaded in my iTunes to sing along with.  If I ever get a tape player again, I need to find that tape of my dad singing with his quartet...

I'm also not ashamed to say that The Carpenters have me reminiscing each day about growing up.  Each time she starts in with "Close to You",  I'm transported back to my loft bedroom (after my sister kicked me out of her room), playing that Carpenters album on my record player.   Between Karen and Leslie Gore, I about wore those two albums out.  My parents had a lot of other records, but those two ladies and I sang it out on that rust colored shag carpet.  I can still see the yellow vinyl dining room table chairs, that God awful patterned carpet, the hook rugs in shades of rust and brown hanging on the walls and so much more.

And they aren't the only artists with the power to take me back.  Air Supply reminds me of the roller skating rink, Garth Brooks's "Friends in Low Places" time travels me to the back of Georgio's and Tanya Tucker's "Two Sparrows in a Hurricane" has me in a car singing along with my wannabe cowgirl friends after a high school football game.  There are too many memories and songs connected to those memories to even begin to list them all here.  (College and Enya, Green Day, Shania Twain, Dixie Chicks.......the list goes on and on.)

It isn't just distant memories that songs have the power to bring back.  So many Disney songs and, oh yes - that Barbie soundtrack, remind me of the many miles my girls and I have traveled together, singing along with Hercules, Spirit and so many more.  My girls have been surrounded by music since they were born too.  Even before they remember, when I spent those precious moments in the middle of the night, I sang to them.  Some of them were probably not your traditional lullabies.  A couple of my favorites were Ragtime Lullaby, All the Pretty Little Horses and Two Little Boys.  The latter being a song about two brothers that go off to war.  It was on a barbershop record I listened to as a kid and for some reason, I used that tune to sing my girls to sleep.  I blame it on the sleep deprivation.

There are songs that bring sadness and memories of saying goodbye to our loved ones, "Wind Beneath My Wings" and "How Great Thou Art" will forever bring my mom's funeral crashing back.  Some songs bring back memories of people who hurt us or made promises they couldn't keep. Yet other songs bring back happier moments and never cease to bring a smile to my face.  Thanks to Sophie, "I Won't Say I'm in Love" will forever make me giggle.  And I will never forget the image of my dad on a ladder, rewallpapering our living room and singing along to Cindi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".  Of course he thought she was gonna "test the water", when she was actually trying to tell us that "they just wanna".

I've sung and I will sing along to everything from classics of the 1950's and '60's to the current hits.  I love country, pop, hip hop, gospel, big band, barbershop and a little bit of everything in between.  You can throw in a soundtrack and I can name the movie that made the song famous. Sometimes it amazes me that a person like me who can't remember what they had for dinner last night or what they drove to the grocery store to get, can remember a song they sang as a child.  Word for word.  But I guess that just goes to show you the power of music.  It's not just something you learn in your head, it's something you feel with your heart.

I'm sure there is a time to leave the past in the past.  But for now, turn the radio up and sing along.  While you're at it, sing it loud.

Selling your home

I know that a lot of you have had experience with this lately.  It does seem quite a bit different than years ago when I last sold a house.  It's a bit more of a process and it seems that there is more of an art to it than ever before.  But there are also things that are super cool with the advent of new technology. 

As I believe I blogged about in the past, we had a stager come through our house last fall.  She was super nice but yet super honest.  She told us what needed to go, what could stay, what needed to be fixed and what actually looked good.  It was kind of hard to hear that lots of our beloved "stuff" would have to go.  Rooms needed to be cleaned out of personal effects and some of the furniture needed to be thinned out as well. A person doesn't realize they are attached to a wooden cabinet until you're told it needs to go.  But I NEED it....  (Turns out, we didn't.)

So we got that furniture moved out and a few odd jobs done around the house while we were at it.  Thanks to a coworker who is much more willing to go on a much higher ladder than me, we even got the entry painted.  Whew!  Once the rooms were cleaned of all personal pictures and excess furniture we had the photographers come on through.  The pictures turned out amazing, so I guess it was all worthwhile.  Then we waited. 

And waited.

And waited.

And waited to find the house of our dreams.  We didn't plan to list our house until we had somewhere to go.  The super exciting news is that we found our place!  That's for another blog though as even though we have a purchase agreement, I'm afraid to jinx it as we need to sell our home first.  Enter our realty team to finally get to put all those photos to work.  We were thinking that we were waiting for the best time to list by waiting until spring.  Our house hit the market and..... an epic snowstorm hit the region. 

While the snow and sleet raged we showed our home the first day it was listed to 3 different prospective buyers.  Preparing your house for a showing isn't just putting the dishes in the dishwasher and hiding your bra under a pillow.  There is a little more involved.  First I go into rampant cleaning mode and make sure every surface is wiped down, slept, steam cleaned, dusted, etc...  Then I agonized over what scents to put in the scentsy and air fresheners.  Several websites recommend baking cookies before the showing to fill the air with the scent of baking cookies.  In lieu of this, I wanted to find a vanilla scent.  No such luck.  I could find vanilla for the scentsy, but not the air fresheners.  Second choice, "clean linen".  Does it get any better than a clean fresh scent?  I sure hope not.  I bought a little bouquet of white daisies for a jar on the table next to the folder of flyers and disclosures.  Then Tim and I went back through the house and tried to remove every sign that people actually live there.  Hide the dish rags, towels, laundry hampers, soap dispensers, make sure the garbages are emptied, coats hung in the closet, shoes neatly lined up on the racks, oh and don't forget the dog!  The dog must go.  Can't have our 4 lb chihuahua trying to convince any potential buyers that we don't want them here.  The last thing on the to do list as you're leaving is to turn on all the lights.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk out the door turning ON the lights?  It seems so... wrong. 

The showings were virtually back to back to back so we spent the day hanging out at Tim's folks; playing cards and watching movies, and maybe a few naps were had too.  We waited to go home and we hoped for good news.  Here's the cool thing.  No more waiting and wondering what they think of it for days on end,  Like everything else these days, there is an app for that.  It tells you when someone has made an appointment to come see your home AND it gives you almost immediate feedback about what they thought of your house.  It was kind of exciting and a little discouraging too.  We know our house isn't perfect, but a person sure hopes everyone will like it as much as you do.  I love my house, apparently not everyone who viewed it did.  But there were some positives too and we've only just begun so keeping our thoughts positive and our hopes up.  Nothing like a week of more winter storm watches and snow to keep folks from scheduling appointments, but spring will really come at some point, right? 

For now we wait and hope for the power of the internet to work in our favor (for a change....)  Here's hoping someone out there is looking for the perfect home for their family with room to run in that big back yard, quiet cul de sac neighborhood and maybe they are golfers.  Not golfing much these days so the location across from the golf course doesn't help us, but maybe someone else will be excited?  Thanks to our friends and family for sharing our listing and getting the word out.  We appreciate it!  Thank you! 

The truth about public educators

There has been much public bashing of teachers.  I could say over the past few weeks or months, but I’d be exaggerating.  People have been bashing teachers, public education and schools for as long as I can remember.  Of course, with having been a public educator for the past 20 years, you’re going to think I’m biased.  You may be right.  But I have also had children in the public education system for the past 13 years so I do see both sides.  Here’s what I have seen.

I’ve seen educators break down and cry over their students.  Not because they were scared of them or feeling bad because their students didn’t like them.  But I've seen them cry over the sheer hopelessness that comes with watching a student with a horrible home situation try to rise above, only to be knocked down again.  They’ve cried when a child is pulled from our school because mom and dad are fighting over who gets the kids and causing them to have to change schools again.  And again.  They’ve cried because they are pretty sure their student is going to a home with not enough to eat, no one who cares that they are there and no clean clothes to wear.  They’ve cried because so many many times educators are helpless to truly help those students in ways that are meaningful and matter most.

I’ve seen educators on their knees in grief when they have lost a student, even a former student, to an accident or tragedy.  No matter how many years pass, they are all still our kids and a part of our extended families.

I’ve seen educators cry tears of joy.  Joy when that student who has struggled finds success and achieves a long sought after goal.  Joy for that student that comes back after graduation to say, "thanks to you I believed I could, and I did."  Joy for an award won, a piece published, a scholarship gained.  Pride and joy for those students who have become their kids through the weeks, months and years that we live and breath their every success and every setback or failure.

I’ve see teachers wonder about students they had 2, 7, 15 or 20 years ago.  I’ve seen them pray that their lives worked out and that they are happy and healthy.  I’ve seen educators run into former students and take the time to ask how they’ve been, what they’ve been up to and how they are.  I’ve had educators ask me about my kids, who haven’t had them in class for years.  Each and every one of them were authentic in their concern.

I’ve seen teachers spend money they didn’t have or couldn’t spare to buy materials for their students and classrooms.  Scouring garage sales, thrift stores and dollar stores for every deal, to try to stretch those few dollars as far as they can.  Many times they've asked for materials for their classroom only to be told there are no funds and they need to make do with what they have.  Wanting the best for their students, those same educators go out of their way to make sure that their students don't go without.

I’ve seen teachers give up time with their families to coach, attend concerts, plan lessons, grade papers, create or design projects, you name it.  Teaching isn't a 40 hour a week job for 9 months of the year.  Yet tell someone you are an educator and what is the first thing they say, "Must be nice to get paid to have summers off." 

I’ve seen teachers agonize over lessons that have failed and spend hours trying to design just the lesson to help their students understand that tricky subject.  Those teachers get so excited and enthused about what they are teaching and share that excitement with their coworkers.

I’ve seen teachers attend classes, courses, workshops, seminars, webinars, etc... trying to learn the latest news in their profession.  I’ve seen educators spend hundreds on books or subscriptions trying to better themselves as teachers and trying to learn how to better help their students.

I’ve seen the worry etch it’s way across their faces as they struggle to figure out why their students aren’t understanding a concept.  I’ve seen them beg colleagues for help, admit their limitations or mistakes and do whatever it takes to help their students with little to no regard for their own dignity or pride.

I've seen teachers busting their backs at a second or third job that they need to make ends meet for their families.  They coach, give lessons, work at the local restaurant/golf course/retail establishment, etc... Meager salaries and giving back to their own classrooms often taps teachers out financially.  Some putting their students' needs before their own or their own family's.

Before you jump on the bashing teachers bandwagon, think about what a teacher does every single day.  Put yourself in their shoes.  In fact....come hang out in our classrooms for a day.  See what teaching really entails.  Watch us play counselor, psychiatrist, prison warden, hall monitor, educator, therapist, technology expert and all the other hats we wear in the first 30 minutes of school.  Hear us repeat the directions 3 times for EVERY SINGLE THING we do, only to have a student ask 10 seconds later, "what are we doing?"  Watch us go with the flow when our class is interrupted.  Again.  Watch us listen to the story about the new puppy, the new little brother, the trip to the dentist.  Again.  Think of every single time your child has annoyed you or frustrated you and magnify it times 15, 20 or 30 kids.  And remind yourself that we do it for the virtually the LOWEST paying college educated position there is.  Then, you can climb up on your bandwagon and beat a different rhythm, because you, if you walked a day in a teacher's shoes, you may actually get it.

Myths about teachers and their pay:  Click here

Swimsuit Season Woes

So they say spring is right around the corner.  The 10 inches of snow we got over the last 24 hours makes me feel like this may be a lie.  However, before this latest storm it was nearly all melted.  So maybe spring is out there.... somewhere?  *squints and looks off into the distance

However, it may be okay that spring is still a little ways off.  You know what spring means, right?  Swimsuit season!  Yes, I said it.  After spring comes summer and with summer comes swimsuits.  Even folks like me who avoid pools at all costs still get suckered into swimming or at least sitting by the swimming pool a couple of times a year.  So this means swimsuit shopping.

Swimsuit shopping after you've passed your teenage years and had a couple of kids, is its own version of hell.  There is all the awkward trying on in a crowded changing room that accompanies any outfit trying on.  But combine that with the fact that you know that anyone else who tried on the swimsuit before you was also NAKED and the fact that, well - what the heck are those fitting room mirrors and lights about?  I swear they are funhouse mirrors because I never look as miserable, out of shape and downright frightening at home as I do in the fitting room.

As a mother and being over 40, what kind of swimsuit can I buy?  I remember when I had my first c-section and the doctor was kind enough to inform me that she had done the "bikini cut" so that I could go back to wearing bikinis after the baby.  As I touched my stomach and watched the wave ripple across with the consistency of jelly and the stretch marks like a map of the highways in Houston, I laughed.  I knew that belly was never seeing daylight again.  To this day the wrinkling and sagging is enough to make me nauseous, but then I look at Libby and Sophie and think, "you little shits caused this and I get to hold it against you for the rest of your lives."  Wait.... I mean, "you're both worth every wrinkle and stretchmark and I'm so blessed."  (or something like that)

So what kind of swimsuit does one buy?  A tankini?  This suit is still a two piece, but the top piece is longer and reaches to the bottom.  It's alright, but then... well, it isn't just the belly that I want to hide.  How about everyone's favorite?  The skirt bottom.  Nothing says "I have thighs and I'm afraid to show them" like a skirt bottom.  Search "swimsuit to hide thighs" in Google once.  You get a few skirt bottoms and a few of my other personal favorite, boy shorts.  (You also get a whole lot of suits that aren't hiding anything, but I digress.)  Boy shorts are great except when they accentuate the fact that your thighs are huge by hugging those babies tighter than a sausage casing.  Yeah, nobody is looking forward to that.

My favorite are the swimsuits that "play up your assets".  Ruffled tops to draw attention to your breasts.  Umm...  I don't want everyone staring at my boobs please.  Next.  "Vertical lines are slimming."  Nope, no they aren't.  When you have a midsection that makes the vertical lines not so vertical anymore, ain't nobody confused or thinking that is "slimming".  There is also that helpful piece of advice to stay away from loud colors and prints.  I could be in a solid black swimsuit and nobody would be convinced.  Do they come in "make me invisible" print?  That's a swimsuit color I could get behind.  OH and another great tip for looking good in the swimsuit (and fixing another post-baby mommy body flaw) is to use tape to "lift" your boobs.  How is life fair?  I'm pretty sure daddies aren't out there taping their body parts here or there to make them look better.  So if they don't have to strap anything up, or down for that matter, I sure as heck am not going to start. 

So, you're not actually going to get in the pool?  Go for the cute coverup.  Except most of those are either sheer or see through.  What.  Is.  The.  Point.  Of.  That?  That's not a cover up.  Wearing my husband's extra large navy blue t-shirt, now that is a cover up.  You don't get to call it a cover up if it doesn't cover anything.  The name implies that it is actually going to cover something.  Like neck to knee would work for me. 

I love the suggestion of a spray tan with contouring.  Spray tan is lovely - I did that before the wedding.  It may be one of the most awkward things I have had to do in front of a complete stranger - after giving birth that is.  I'm fairly certain that even the most skilled technician can't create the illusion of the perfect body from the white and lumpy canvas that I supply.  Even Monet couldn't pull that one off.  Can you imagine if a person tackled this task on their own?  Sorry, I can't breathe from laughing so hard.  They do say zebras have their unique coloring because when they run as a herd they are confusing to the eye.  Maybe that needs to be all of our strategy; spray tan with "contour lines" on ourselves and then huddle in packs, milling about quickly.  No one will notice our winter weight then! 

So if you still don't have the perfect suit that magically lifts and makes your breasts look young and perfect, your thighs slim and "gappy", your belly flat, AND hides the back fat, stretch marks and assorted lumps, bumps and scars, then Wiki How has some SUPER helpful tips for you.

1.  Give yourself a compliment before you head out. (If you're not picturing Stuart Smally standing in front of a mirror saying "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it people like me", then you're doing it wrong.)

2.  Stand up straight.  (Yeah pretty sure I could have posture to rival a marine and it wouldn't make me look any more slim, fit and ready for a bikini.)

3. Remember that people are focused on themselves.  (Well, this is probably good advice.  I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there more worried about how they look in a swimsuit.  But then for every person worrying about themselves, there is a judgmental hag just hoping you look worse than she does.)

Struggling with forgiveness

I think everyone has had a time in their life when they have been struggling.  Struggling to make ends meet.  Struggling to find hope.  Struggling to find love.  Maybe even struggling just to get up and face each day.  This past few days I was struggling myself.  I am blessed to have an amazing job, good friends, a beautiful home, a supportive family and the love of my life.  What could I possibly be struggling with? 

I was struggling with forgiveness.  Yes, I just blogged about this very topic and it is one that is near and dear to my heart.  It isn’t something I have always been good at.  When I was younger and more hotheaded, I fought back about everything.  There were plenty of times when my quick to temper comebacks weren’t even warranted.  I thought strength was about winning the fight, besting everyone and coming out on top. It wasn’t until the past few years that I learned that real strength more often comes from doing nothing at all. 

Last week someone decided to attack my family on social media again.  Yep.  Again.  More lies posted about myself and my loved ones.  As many wonderful aspects and conveniences there are to social media, there are cowards who hide behind their screens to attack those they could never get up the nerve to have a civil discussion with face to face.  And again I fought against every mother’s instinct to protect her kids and her family.  Luckily I have family and friends who reminded me that good people don’t post their grievances on Facebook and I am better  and stronger than that.  

But that wasn’t the struggle I really faced.  As I sat and let myself cry one day in the car, I wasn’t crying over what had been said about my family.  I cried because I was tired.  I was tired of praying for people who never seemed to change. It seemed like about the time one person moved on to attacking someone else, another lined up in their place.  I was tired of praying for those who hurt me, my friends, and my family.  I was tired of praying for them and watching them go on with their lives, continuing to hurt people and seem to get everything they desired.  They had never admitted they had done wrong, they had never asked for forgiveness or changed their behavior.  What good did all my praying do for them? It all seemed so pointless.  There I was like the petulant child, stomping my foot and saying "I don’t want to anymore."

And then I went to Easter mass with my husband.  As I sat there in that beautiful, overflowing church and looked around me I was overwhelmed.  I listened as Father Tim told the most amazing story and heard the lessons, songs, and messages that day.  As we all prayed together I realized something, that I had known all along.  I can forgive because Jesus taught me how to forgive.  Look how he forgave and understood even those who betrayed him at the end.  He shows us and helps us to forgive.  He was there with me that day as I struggled and cried.  He was there with me that Easter morning as I felt lifted up.  And he is there with me every time someone attacks my family.  I don’t have to protect them or respond in anger.  Jesus is with us all.  I need to practice forgiveness, patience and understanding as Jesus taught all of us.   And I can keep going because Jesus showed me how to.  His love gives me the strength and the wisdom to know to trust in God’s path.  

So I will keep praying for peace in our family, but also for peace in the hearts of those who hurt us and speak out against us.  May they find their joy and find a way to move forward with kindness in their hearts.