The self confidence struggle

Why does it seem some people struggle with self confidence, while others overflow with an abundance of confidence to spare?  What is the secret to being confident? I’m not asking a question that I have the answer to. I sure wish I did.  One thing I have learned is that self confidence isn’t something you can get from someone else, it is something you have to believe for yourself.  Which probably goes against a lot of people’s beliefs.  Let me explain.

What do you tell your kid when they tell you they aren’t feeling confident?  That when they look in the mirror they see something about themselves that they don’t like?  I tell mine that I think they are beautiful.  I tell them it doesn’t matter what a person looks like on the outside, but how they treat others.  I ask them if anyone has ever picked on them or made fun of what they don’t like about themselves (they haven’t).  But I know, and I think the world would agree with me, that my words don’t matter.  The next time they look in the mirror, they are still going to see that part of them that they secretly hate.  Me telling them they are beautiful isn’t going to change that.

Here’s what I also know.  Tim tells me I am beautiful at least once a day, probably more.  My dad always told me I was beautiful.  My friends tell me that I’m beautiful.  But when I look in the mirror I don’t see anything positive.  I see every flaw I wish I could change; pointy nose, flabby belly, wrinkles, boobs that have seen better days, scars, wrinkles, gray hair, crooked teeth, psoriasis, .... do I need to go on?  Most of those issues, no one but me has ever commented on.  Oh there were a few that were the pet critiques of my ex’s.  The narcissist made fun of my weight, my boobs and called me a Dalmatian because of my skin.  The ex hubby also made fun of my weight, but in his defense, there was a time when I was quite heavy.  Overall in reality, all those flaws that I see are all owned by one person.  Me.

When someone asks me how they can be more self confident, I don’t know the answer.  I have some ideas.  I do know that working out and making healthy choices helps my confidence.  Even if I don’t see a big change, knowing that I’m working on it helps.  But the biggest thing is learning to be happy with how we look right now for us.  It isn’t about being confident for someone else, it’s about being confident for ourselves.

Beauty is a billion dollar business in the United States and everyone gets sucked in.  Think of the thousands you alone may spend on hair and makeup.  Then factor in the shampoos, conditioners, self tanners, haircuts, health foods, shakes and it starts to overwhelm you.  And that isn’t even cosmetic surgery or braces or the like.  Let’s take braces for example. I hate my crooked teeth, I could get braces and fix them.  But what then?  Would I have confidence then?  Would I love myself then?  The answer is no, I’d move on to the next thing.  So what next? A boob job?  Lipo?  Skin reduction? A nose job? It would be endless and even IF I exhausted every medical possibility to "improve" my looks and had a hair stylist and make up artist at my beck and call, I could STILL find something about myself that I didn’t love.  It isn’t about having the perfect body.  It’s about loving the body we are in.

We need to work together to help each other build ourselves up.  We need to learn to love ourselves right now, the way we are.  We need to celebrate our successes as we work to improve ourselves and we need to let go of everything we hate about ourselves.  Nobody is perfect, no one. As for me, I'm going to start researching ways to build confidence and share them with everyone who asks me how to work on confidence, everyone who replies to a compliment with some negative comment about themselves and all of my kids (personal and student).  I'm going to start  here.

How to Be More Confident

Love is and it isn’t (shared post on Facebook)

So I’ve seen the following post shared several times on my Facebook feed over the last several weeks.  I love it and I hate it.  I love the idea behind it.  I love that it is people admitting that being in a loving relationship isn’t all sunshine and roses and that the things you love are worth fighting for, blah blah blah... I also love that people are sharing beautiful pictures of those they love and proclaiming their love in front of all their friends and family on social media.  We should do that more.

But there is something about this post I don’t love.  It reads:
"For couples so eager to call it quits and throw in the towel on your relationships because everything isn’t "perfect"... here is some food for thought. Lifelong commitment is not what most people think it is. It's not waking up every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It's not cuddling in bed until both of you fall asleep, peacefully, at night. It's not a clean home filled with laughter and lovemaking, everyday. It's someone who steals all the covers (and snores!) . It's slammed doors and a few harsh words, at times. It’s stubbornly disagreeing and giving each other the silent treatment until your hearts heal...and, then...FORGIVENESS! It’s coming home to the same person, everyday, that you know LOVES and CARES about you in spite of (and because of) who you are. It's laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid. It's about dirty laundry and unmade beds WITHOUT finger pointing. It's about helping each other with the hard work of life! It's about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud. It's about eating the cheapest and easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at a late hour to eat because you both had a crazy day. It's when you have an emotional breakdown and your Love lays with you and holds you and tells you everything is going to be okay...and you BELIEVE them. It's about still loving someone even though, sometimes, they make you absolutely insane. Loving someone is not easy....sometimes it's extremely hard; but it's amazing and comforting and one of the BEST things you'll ever experience!
If you are lucky to have a wonderful husband or wife in your life , then copy and paste the above, attach a picture of the two of you and post it."

If you’re a faithful follower of my blog you’re probably already groaning inside and thinking, "ugh, here she goes again with the crap where she picks this apart and whines about her past relationships."  Yep.  Here’s the part where I pick apart this copy/share and tell you what I learned from my past relationships.  So here’s your official warning to maybe skip it if you don’t want to hear again what I feel love is.

I don't think couples are quick to "call it quits" and "throw in the towel".  Are there some couples that surely should work a little harder?  Of course.  Are they maybe a few that have unreal expectations for relationships?  Yep.  But there are far more people trapped in crappy, shitty, yes - even dangerous, relationships, that read these kinds of posts and think that they aren't working hard enough at their relationship and that the relationship they are in is perfectly normal.

The line that particular sets me on edge is the line that says something about love being a few harsh words sometimes and the silent treatment until your heart heals.  Umm.. no.  That isn't love.  And we need to stop claiming and telling people it is.  Maybe it depends on what your level of "harsh words" are.  If by harsh words  you mean, "I can't talk about this right now" then heck, I'm okay with that.  But as someone who has been in abusive relationships, words like "you're the dumbest smart person I've ever met", "your body is repulsive", "are you eating again", "you drive everyone around you crazy", "you're crazy", "your friends don't even want to be with you because of your anxiety", etc....  aren't okay.  That isn't love and it is never okay.   EVEN when spoken in anger.  Never okay.  If you're saying things like that, you don't love the person you are saying them to.  And if you're tolerating hearing things like that, you need to know, you are NOT in a loving relationship.  This is not what love does. 

Oh and the silent treatment?  Not okay.  It's not okay to act like a toddler.  Unless you're a toddler.  No wait, not even then.  Because if my toddler just refused to talk to someone because they were mad, I would sit their adorable little butt down and tell them that ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away.  Now does this mean I am promoting screaming it out when both of you are angry?  Yes, of course it does, because I am that dumb.  Be realistic.  It means that if you're angry, you explain that in grown up words to each other, not just ignore them and expect them to figure it out.  The Facebook post implies that you can use the silent treatment until your heart heals?  What does that even mean? It's taken years for my heart to even slightly cover over some scabs.  So I just ignore the person in my relationship for years?  Come on.  TALK.  You'd be amazed what can happen when you stop yelling and pointing fingers and talk.  So yeah, if you need time to cool off, use your words.  (Yes, I'm talking like I am talking to a toddler.)  Use your words and say, "I'm really upset right now and not making the best choices in what I say and how I act.  I need a little time to cool off.  Let's talk about this later/tomorrow/in a couple hours." 

PS - And here's some more good advice.  Don't say "Maybe we need a break." Just a little something I picked up from Ross and Rachel on Friends. 

There were so many times I read posts like the one above and thought to myself that I was being too quick to give up on the "loving" relationships I was in.  Maybe all relationships were as hard as mine were.  Because after all, there were those few good moments here and there.  There were times we laughed together.  Or that time they did something nice.  That made up for everything else, all year long, right?  WRONG. 

You want to know what love REALLY is.  Love is work.  Love is looking at the person you love and not caring that they smell like barn, sweat or dirt and still wanting to hug them or kiss them.  Love is making them a special dinner or making their plate up for them so they can come in late and have a hot supper at the table.  Love is praying together.  Love is worrying together.  Love is talking it out when you're scared, worried, angry, frustrated, sad, happy, you name it.  Love is telling them everything and them listening.  Love is disagreeing, but respecting the other person's right to have a different opinion.  Love is letting the other person sleep and doing the morning chores for them.  Love is folding their laundry because you know they will fold yours some day too.  Love is leaving each other notes or messages just to say "I love you and have a great day".  Love is asking how their day was and telling them how lucky you feel to have them in your life.  Love is taking a nap together, going for a walk together, falling asleep during a great movie together, doing yard work together and sharing with others what you truly love about each other.  Love is letting them have the last cookie or piece of cake.  Love is eating at the restaurant you don't like but is their favorite.  Love is pretending you love that show, that song, that hobby, that sport, when you'd rather go have your first colonoscopy then sit through one more minute of it.  Love is teasing each other, laughing, playing games (and losing or winning) and love is wanting to be with the one you love and share everything with them.  Love is the first person you want to tell when something terrible happens, but also when something funny, or inspiring, cute or truly amazing surprises you. 

I remember talking to my good friend one day and saying how I couldn't wait for my significant other to go on vacation so I could have some peace.  And I was complaining about him in some way, shape or form.  She looked me dead in the eye and said, "I don't get that.  I never feel like that.  My husband makes me so happy and I love him more than anything.  Yes, we argue, but then we laugh and tease and have so much fun we forget what we were even arguing about.  He makes me feel hot and sexy, loved and cherished and I want to be with him even when I'm with my girlfriends.  I truly don't understand what people are talking about who talk about their significant others like you just did.  I'm glad our relationship isn't like that."  It may sound crazy that a friend would say that, but it was the wake up call I needed.  I still silently thank her nearly every day.  Because I wanted THAT.  I wanted real love.  Not this show of putting up with everything just so I wasn't alone.  I wanted REAL love.  They had been married for years at this point and if their relationship could be like that after years and years, what was I doing wasting my time, making excuses and working my ass off to be in "love". 

I found real love.  I found the love that I had always dreamed about.  I didn't settle, I didn't compromise, I didn't put up with the silent treatment any more.  No one should; not for the sake of being told that is what love really is.  Love is work, but it is more about the work of front loading your relationship.  Letting your loved one know how special they are to you all the time, not trying to patch it up and make it okay after.   The post talks about love not being cuddling in bed or having breakfast together in the morning.  Why the hell not?  Why isn't it?  Why wouldn't you?  Why wouldn't you get up a few minutes earlier to have breakfast together if you could?  Why wouldn't you spend a few minutes holding each other close before you fall asleep?  Front load your relationship.  Start making those few extra moments count.  Watch your love grow and feel what you felt the day you first met.  Relive those moments from time to time and feel  yourself be transported back to when your love was new and quick and easy.  Put your "work" in your relationship where it matters most and pretty soon your relationship won't be work.  Love is really not supposed to be that hard.  If you're having to work at it too much, ask yourself the tough questions.  Hopefully you won't be surprised by the answers.