Faith in Humanity

There are so many negative stories and people hating on each other out there, that I’ve taken to trying to improve my mood and what shows up on my Pinterest.  For those of you who don’t have Pinterest, you can choose to follow certain boards of family friends and topics you’re interested in.  But the rest of the “pins” that show up in your feed are chosen by Pinterest based off of what you’ve been searching.  In an effort to keep my Pinterest more positive (and not all wedding and recipe) I started searching “faith in humanity”.  I was not disappointed.

These are just a small sampling of some larger pins that I have saved.  Every single one I read makes me feel better.  Not just because I know there are still good people out there.  But because someone else is putting these stories together.  Someone else is taking their time to find positive stories and share them in a way that people can easily view.  These stories are inspiring.  They inspire me to be better, do better and have hope.  That’s what makes my world go around.  Stories of people helping people.  

Inspiring Video from No Racism No War

Sometimes these stories show up on Facebook as videos.  I have one saved that I shared with my class the other day before we wrote essays with the topic/theme of “winning isn’t everything”.  I’ve watched this video a dozen times and I still get choked up.  The ones that really get me are the kids.  I see kids helping kids all the time.  I have a lot of faith in our young people and hope for our future.  But these kids, they go above and beyond and sacrifice their wants for someone else’s happiness.  That’s something you don’t get to see every day.  I know so many of "my kids" would do the same and I count myself lucky that I get to work with them every single day. Which makes me think of another blog I should write...

Have "faith in humanity" and let's look for the good, not the bad! Take a minute - type it in your google image search and brighten your day. It always helps mine.

Life after a narcissist

This blog has been a long time coming.  Like a LONG time.   But there are so many emotions wrapped up with finally putting it down in print and being willing to put it out there to the public. Not the least of those is fear, a year later I still fear him. I’ve alluded to some of my past in previous blogs, but never taken the time to try to make sense of what happened and never considered sharing it with the general public.  Why now?  Because I never knew there were so many of us that had survived life with a narcissist.  After getting free myself I found a few pages and groups to try to make sense of what happened.  And it was a lifesaver to me.  I realized I was not alone, I was not stupid or naive, that it is a very real disease/disorder and that there was life after.  But what I didn’t realize, was how many of my very own friends, family, and acquaintances have been caught by a narcissist.  

I have done a TON of research on narcissism and surviving narcissistic abuse.  I know that it comes as no surprise to all of you that I read everything I could get my hands on about it.  All of it gave me this “aha” feeling of “I wasn’t just imagining it!” or “It wasn’t just me!”  It may seem unreal, but the more I knew, the better I felt.  So I read and absorbed everything I could.  

Psychology Today says that Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be defined as follows:  The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an "injury" in the form of criticism or rejection.

Okay - so that’s a whole lot of stuff right there.  And I can see why people often confuse a narcissist who is just a selfish asshole.  They are so similar.  But a true narcissist, clinically  has the symptoms of the disorder, is so much more than selfish.  They have to be smart for one.  Because they will lie and manipulate in such in depth, creative ways that a normal, rational human being can’t believe they are being manipulated because it doesn’t seem possible.  My ex prepared his lies months in advance of our relationship.  Laying the groundwork and preparing the backstory brick by brick.  There were stories about each of his ex’s (well - the ones he told me about, not the ones I found out about later) that painted them as the crazy ones so I would know not to listen to them.  There were stories of childhood abuse and emotional trauma so I wouldn’t trust his parents.  There were stories about injustices at work, in relationships and even stories that contradicted my very own memories from when I knew him when he was younger.  But so cleverly worded and worked that they made me question my version of the past.  

Narcissists tend to target empaths/”fixers” or people who see the good in everyone and want to help others.  Sounds like a good thing, right?  Except you can’t fix a narcissist, which is another big difference between a generally selfish person and a true narcissist.  A selfish person can be made to see the error of their ways.  They are capable of feeling bad when they hurt someone.  A narcissist does not.  Oh they will pretend to, but they are not sorry.  They are afraid of being caught.  Of being the one who gets dumped.  Of losing control of their “story” and not being in charge of how it goes. They will pretend to be sorry and beg you to forgive them.  My ex changed his story just enough for me to constantly feel like I had to stay.  At first it was a physical issue and I wasn’t being supportive or I was asking too much of him even though he was “injured”.  I couldn’t be the woman who dumped the injured guy.  When it kept progressing I was told he had reactive attachment disorder or maybe he was a narcissist - you see, yes, HE even said he had it in an attempt to make me feel sorry for him and want to stay to help him get better.  But I cannot say it enough.  You cannot cure narcissism.  Therapists can’t even cure it - they are too good at lying and manipulation for a therapist to get through to.

My ex was serial cheater.  He needed that constant attention, the thrill of someone new wanting him to keep him feeling good about himself.  I was not enough.  But he had excuses for every time he got caught.  The first time he got caught, it was my fault and his injuries fault.  My fault because he thought I was cheating on him so it was okay to cheat on me.  And his injury’s fault because he felt like less of a man so he searched her out to feel better about himself.  That actually may have been the most honest thing he ever admitted to.  The next time I caught him on his phone cheating I was told he was helping another woman with a similar injury.  She was supposedly suicidal so he couldn’t tell her he was in a relationship when she hit on him.  Another instance was a crazy woman who was stalking him and making up the texts that she sent me.  You’re probably asking yourself, how stupid was she to believe all these lies?  I could reply with “pretty stupid” - at least looking back.  But there are some things that led up to this that I will, most likely, not be able to explain well enough for someone who hasn’t lived it to understand.  

By the time these instances of cheating started coming to light, I was well into the gaslighting stage of the relationship.  I had come to believe that I couldn’t trust my gut, that I had the mental problems, that I was lucky to have him to put up with me and stand by me, and that I was making a big deal out of nothing.  I didn’t go into the relationship thinking he was a psychopath.  No one would go into a relationship with a narcissist if they didn’t wear a mask at the beginning.  Experts call this the “idealization phase”.   This is where the narcissist finds out everything about you and tries to transform to become your ideal partner.  They pretend to like the things you like, to want the same things in life, and tell you all the wonderful things about you that they can manufacture.  As you gain trust and start telling them your worries and fears, they do everything to prove to you that they are the exact opposite, they would never treat you that way.  As someone who was coming out of a relationship where I had been called “the dumbest smart person he ever met”, I soaked every bit of the new attention up.  I was naive.  I was blind.  But I refuse to believe I was stupid.  

Once you move out of the idealization phase, the narcissist starts seeing how far they can push you and you will still stay with them and forgive them.  This gives them great power over you.  How badly can they treat you and you will stay?  Think about it - this makes them feel all powerful, like they are some great prize you can’t give up.  But in order to do that, they have to remove people from your life that would point out the obvious to you.  That he/she isn’t treating you right.  My ex started with one of my best friends, quickly moved to my family and then tried to chip away at my remaining two good friends.  When I would comment that we didn’t go anywhere or do anything, I was told it was because my anxiety made people not want to hang around me.  I made people uncomfortable and I wasn’t fun.  I remember being horrified by that.  I still can’t believe I believed that, but I do remember sharing with some of my friends and them reassuring me that I was not the problem.  

I was told I was lazy, by the same man who never worked a day the entire time he lived with me (2 ½ years) until the last month.  I was lazy because I didn’t put a dish in the dishwasher because it was full.  Instead of immediately emptying the dishwasher, I put it in the sink.  My body was repulsive, my house was pathetic, my standards were too low (he may have been right about that when it came to him), my friends were liars and drunks, etc…  And all the while my gut is screaming “This isn’t right!  This isn’t how people in relationships treat each other.”  I remember crying one night and saying, “I just want someone to love me like I love them.”  I was told that I was being ridiculous.  Everyone loves differently and I was incredibly selfish to want someone to love me the way I loved them.  People, when you’ve been told something long enough, by someone you view as intelligent and observant, you believe it.  Looking back I can see how incredibly ridiculous it all sounds.  I have written pages in my journal of responses I wish I could go back and say instead of the pathetic backstepping and apologizing (yes I apologized for his mistakes) that I did do.  I cannot explain why I felt it was my fault.  I cannot explain why I ignored my gut.  I cannot explain why I never stood up for myself.  But I didn’t.  

I remember when I finally got out someone who was angry with me for my behavior during this time didn’t believe me when I said I got because of my therapist.  That therapy had finally empowered me enough to give me the strength to walk away.  During the course of the argument this person tried to claim that my therapist didn’t help me, I had no choice but to leave because he cheated on me.  I didn’t bother to try to correct him and let him know that the final time he cheated on me was not even close to the first or only time.  And that was only what I knew then.  More instances came out AFTER I asked the ex to leave.  I didn’t have to leave.  I had the strength to leave.  That was huge and that was new.

I owe a lot to my therapist.  I saw him over the course of a year.  Hit and miss, sometimes not for a few months at a time.  And then towards the end I saw him a lot.  My ex was not happy.  He felt that my therapist was trying to get me to break up with him.  He may have been right.  But what my therapist was really trying to do was get me to have my own self worth again, get me to see that I could survive on my own again, get me to realize that I was stronger than I thought I was and that there might be someone else out there who didn’t make me feel depressed, anxious and afraid.  He reminded me to trust my gut and stand up for myself.  He reminded me that my happiness was MY responsibility and that if I wasn’t happy, I needed to do something about it.  

Many of you know that I discovered the final instances of cheating because I picked up his computer, which he had given me the password to from the beginning and looked through his emails and Facebook messages.  And the crazy thing, I felt incredibly guilty about it.  And he knew me well enough to know I would.  As he refused to leave right away and we spent a couple weeks trying to coexist, I tried to keep the peace.  But he was just angry because “I had violated his privacy and his trust.”  Ummm… excuse me?  I violated YOUR trust.  Narcissists can’t see that they are wrong.  It is not in their power.  One night as I was arguing with him and telling him to get out, he blamed me for the cheating.  It was my fault because I had told my family about the first instance so he had to keep cheating.  *insert eye roll here

Why on God’s green earth would I share this story with the world at large?  It is easily one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Looking back over that time makes me feel incredibly gullible, naive, weak and stupid.  It has taken tons of research for me to see that what happened to me was not unique and that’s the scariest part about it all.  I share my story not to make myself look like an idiot, and absolutely not to make anyone feel sorry for me.  I’m a big girl, an adult and made decisions all on my own.  A lot of them really really sucked.  I joked once that I shouldn’t be allowed to make any decisions for a period of time until I got my head completely out of my butt.  But there was edge of truth to that.  So no pity party here.

I share this story because I learned a ton from it.  I learned that I was stronger than I thought.  I learned not to judge people by how they act on the outside because you don't know what inner battles they are fighting or battles they are fighting at home.  I learned that not all women are okay with being in a relationship with a cheater.  All the women that found out about me had the courage to tell me and tried to help me see the light.  They all broke things off and were disgusted by his behavior.  I learned which of my friends would always be there and would drop everything at a moment's notice to be by my side. I learned what I wanted in a relationship and that I was worth waiting for the right man, the real thing to come along. 

I share my story because I have seen it pop up on my Facebook a few times in the past couple of weeks.  It’s happening or has happened to people I know.  People I see around town.  People that I respect and wish better for.  I want them to know that I’m here.  I lived it and I’m here to listen.  They aren’t alone.  They aren’t crazy, or stupid either.  They fell for a skilled manipulator who was very good at what they do.  Who probably has had a lot of practice.  My therapist told me I was lucky to get out when I did.  I don’t think it had anything to do with luck.  I think it had everything to do with my friends that stood by me, my therapist who pushed me to see my strength, my own self worth finally overcoming what others had been telling me and realizing being alone had to be better than where I was.  But mostly God saying, “Enough is enough.  This is not my plan for you.”  

I hope that if anyone out there is reading this and thinking that my story sounds like their own, they take my words to heart.  Love isn’t supposed to be hard.  Get out.  Get help.  Get on with your life.  There is life after a narcissist.  And it is great.  

Hen on Nest

I think a lot of people have collections.  I’ve had a variety of collections over the years with various meanings.  Being a super organized person I like to have complete collections because it makes my heart happy.  I’m the person who hates when she has books in a series and some of them are paperback and some are hard cover.  That’s me and that’s why I try not to have collections or I will drive myself crazy trying to have every last one in the collection.

I do have one collection though.  Is it a collection when you only have a few but you are always keeping your eyes open for more?  Sophie and I love to attend household auctions.  We’ve been to several where there are wagons full of odds and ends  And one of the things we are always looking for are hen on nests.  

What is a hen on nest?  I found this information on a blog on www.communitychickens.com.  “There are at least 100 glass companies that have produced at least 250 forms or sizes of glass hen covered dishes over the past 150 years. These dishes are referred to as an animal dish, trinket box, hen in a basket and hen on a nest. The official name, according to Smith, originated from Westmoreland glass company in the 1930s. They coined the name “hen on a nest” which has been shortened to simply “hen on nest” by latter companies and collectors. Between 1890-1910 the glass hen dishes gained advertising and publicity when they were used to package condiments, mainly mustard.

Glass hen on nest covered dishes have been made in sizes ranging from less than 2 inches to 8 inches in length. In addition to the variation in size, the type and color of the glass ranges from depression glass, milk glass, carnival glass, open salts, pressed glass, Victorian glass and lead crystal.”

There are so many variations to every hen on nest.  Color is an obvious one.  I don’t have any really “beautiful” colors.  My hen on nest dishes are orange, white and clear.  Oh and a painted one. Nothing like the multicolored, or swirled glass ones that I find so stunning.  Other than the obvious color differences, they can have eggs in the nest or not, their combs can be different, tail feathers, eyes, you name it.  Each variation changes worth and hen on nests made by certain artists/manufacturers are worth more than others.  I don’t collect mine for the value.  I collect  mine because I am crazy about chickens.

I can’t recall which was my first hen on nest.  I can tell you that they remind me of my grandma Kiehne.  I don’t even remember if she had one.  But there is some glimmer of a memory that she may have?  Anyway, they remind me of her.  I have found all of my hen on nests at garage sales and household auctions.  I will sometimes stand for hours at an auction watching every little piece get sold, waiting for the ring help to pick up that box with the hen on nest in it, or if I’m really lucky, maybe even two in the same box.  And then the rush of anxiety as you hope and pray no one else is a crazy chicken lover like you are or knows that sometimes these buggers can be worth good money.  

There is an auction that happened today.  I was looking through the pictures of the items and guess what I saw….

Why do I have to have plans for this weekend?!  And the blue dish with the two birds beside it wouldn’t exactly fit my collection, but would a unique addition as well.  Oh well - better luck at the next auction I guess.  

My hens on nests give me great joy to look at and look for.  There are so many beautiful shapes, sizes and colors.  I suppose they have a useful purpose too, but I haven’t put anything in any of mine for a long time and they all are just pretty additions to the kitchen these days.  Who else is a collector?  What do you collect?

The truth about being a parent

I was looking back through my recent blogs and realized how serious I’ve been.  It’s time for a little light hearted humor with so much truth ingrained that it hurts.  Let’s talk about being a parent.  I can’t be the only parent that has done this.  In fact, my oldest child, bless her heart, has already told me that she’s putting me in a home.  So yep - I can provide names to go along with each of these descriptions.

I remember myself as a young person being so excited about being a parent and having beautiful perfect children by my side.  The reality wasn’t quite what I had pictured.  I remember looking at little girls with their pony tails half out, hair all frizzed out all over, snot running down their faces and thought to myself.  Do their parents not even care?  Like how hard is it to brush their hair?  And then I had little girls and realized, they can look like that, literally, one minute after brushing their hair and wiping their nose.  

As my kids have gotten older, and wiser (or more sarcastic), I have realized that there are some truths about being a parent that all of us veterans have come to realize over the years.  I thought it only fitting that I share some of them today.  Hopefully some of you can relate, although I fully claim my status as “not the best parent”.  

First of all, oh my God yes.  I had visions of my children helping around the house, doing chores, picking up after themselves, etc…  When does that happen?  They aren’t terrible.  Sometimes they even get things halfway to where they actually go.  But I had no idea that asking them to put away their very own clothes would be such a cause for anger.  These same clothes are the ones that I would haul downstairs, wash, then transfer to the dryer, then haul back upstairs.  But asking them to put them away is apparently just too much.  I feel like I’ve complained about this before, so I’ll move on.  

This picture makes me laugh.  Now that my kids are older, it is harder to get them to be willing to be in pictures.  And harder to get them not to be ridiculous in every picture.  A semi formal serious portrait just doesn’t happen.  But I miss these days.  I know I have a picture, somewhere, of what happened once when we asked Sophie to strike a pose.  Those who watched TV 5-6 years ago may remember the Captain Morgan commercials…

You do it too!  Don’t even tell me you don’t.  Where do you hide the super secret stash of cookies?  The candy bars?  The “don’t they dare even take one” Cadbury eggs.  I can’t post my answers here.  The children might see!!!

Why, in the name of all that is holy, can I be running around the house for hours after I get home, but it is the minute that I finally get to sit down with my book or even just sit down to stare into space and collect my scattered thoughts when someone suddenly NEEDS me.  Sign this, where is my?, help me with my homework, what is the meaning of life?, etc…

 

Which brings us to the next one.  I have a hard enough time keeping my thoughts straight.  I’m at the age where I do the walk into a room and forget what I was going for thing, regularly.  But it is often made worse by interrupting children.  Believe me, I understand.  If I don’t interrupt - I probably won’t remember 30 seconds from now what I meant to say.  

And yes - some day I might remember the names of Sophie's friends' moms.  But for now I'm adding "so and so's mom" to every new contact.  In my defense, I've had some of them tell me they have done the exact same thing with my contact.  So there.

For all my teasing about them, my kids truly do light up my days.  There is never a dull moment around here, that's for sure.  They are so caring and kind.  And while we don't always get along and agree, I know that they love each other and support each other and are there for each other when it counts.  I can count a million ways in which they have made me proud and continue to make me proud every day.

Us vs Them

I shared a quote the other day that pretty much sums up how I feel about all this political crap I see posted online lately.  

That right there, isn't it?  In the words of the generation of today.  Boom.  Oh snap.  That’s it.  Period.  

Okay.  Complete sentences here we come.  But really, that meme does wrap up how I feel about pretty much every political post I see posted on social media.  So little of it is aimed at actually making positive change for our country, bringing our country together, exposing dangers to our country or saying how we feel about our worries for our country.  Instead the main focus is win, belittle, judge and point fingers.  And while doing that, if someone dares stand up for themselves, we don’t check ourselves and say “hey maybe they are right and I shouldn’t have acted that way”, we go out of our way to yell louder and come up with “harsher” comebacks. It’s all so incredibly sad.  

It doesn’t have to be us vs them.  I’m a card carrying (figuratively) liberal.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t agree with some conservatives on various issues.  That doesn’t mean I can’t understand their point of view.  It means I agree MORE with the liberal side of things.  That wasn’t always me.  There was a time when I voted for Bush.  When I could have taken any online quiz and would have found myself more aligned with the right than the left.  But I grew as a person.  I was brought down and went through my own personal struggles and it changed me.  It made me judge others less and feel for others more.  I stopped wanting everyone to take care of themselves and realized how thankful I was for everyone who had helped me and I wanted to help others.  I saw things that changed who I was and how I thought.  And I listened.  I researched.  I read.  I grew.  Do I think that my growth was the right way?  I can’t say that.  I can say it was the right way for me.  It was the way that most aligned with my Christian faith.  It is the way that aligns with who I am and who I want to be as a person.  Am I there yet?  Heck no.  But I will keep trying.

What I struggle with on social media is not someone having a different opinion than I do.  I struggle with the spewing of names and hate that seems to accompany it for so many people.  Why can’t we post a simple topic about how you are proud of the president without also calling people who have a differing opinion “snowflakes”, “pussy", "loser, "cry baby", and so many more. Is there a reason you can't state your opinion without belittling others? I'm not sure if others are like me, but I'd venture to guess that most people, like me, stop listening when you start calling them names. If you really want change, really want to make a difference, really want people to listen to your opinion, act less like an asshole. Act like a rational, reasonable human being who doesn't think they are better than someone else and realizes that others can have a difference of opinion.

That's my biggest fear about our current president. I have my concerns about a lot of the things he's done. But the biggest is his encouragement of this us vs them attitude. He has us so busy arguing with each other and choosing sides, that we've missed the biggest "side" of all. Mankind. Environment. Common decency. Kindness. Respect. I would hope that any friend of mine on social media would be on the same "side" of those issues as I am, regardless of political affiliations.

One year anniversary

One year.  It’s been one year since that scary drive to Rochester to meet someone I had been talking with for a few days, but still terrified to meet.  I shared that whole “online dating” story several months ago so I won’t rehash all of it for you.  But boy was I nervous.  And I told him.  He kept reassuring me there was nothing to worry about, but well, asking an anxious person not to worry is like asking a squirrel to stay out of your bird feeder.  (Just made up that analogy - share it with your families.  I think it will stick around.)  Even though we had “met” for a quick second at a basketball game days before, I still had horror stories of women meeting axe murders while online dating playing in the back of my head.  

We met at Red Lobster and had an amazing dinner.  Almost right away Tim put me at ease and we were able to talk and talk and talk.  We went to a movie.  Knowing how much he hates action/adventure now I’m so impressed that he sat through and didn’t get bored out of his mind at London Has Fallen, or fall asleep.  We had a second date a few days later and I kept telling myself it was just for fun and I would see other people.  Heck - I even made a date with someone.  And then Tim came and sat through a choir/band performance.  And not even a concert - a competition.  With long boring concert pieces, that's impressive.  And well, I was talking with Libby about him the next day.  I remember saying that he was just too nice to be real.  And her reply, very Libby like and true to her, “you’ve done crazy and mean, how about you try nice for once.”  Out of the mouths of babes as they say.  I cancelled my other date and the rest, as they say, is history.

Looking back on the past year, I know we did everything “wrong”.  We dated exclusively after a week.  We introduced our kids after only 2 weeks.   My girls and I went to his family Easter after only a few more weeks.  I moved in and moved my family within a few months.  We were engaged after only dating a little over 3 months.  And on and on… There is no way to explain it and there is no way to tell you how we just knew it was right.  But it WAS just right and we knew.  

I know the day will come when we will have a fight.  I’m not sure how long the “honeymoon phase” is going to last, but I also know that everything that has happened in my life prior to meeting Tim has prepared me to appreciate what a truly amazing man, father, fiance he is.  There were former versions of myself that would not have been able to be as thankful as I am for all of the little things he says and does every single day to show me that I’m important to him and that he loves me.  That appreciation, that knowing what life was like, could be like, makes me so thankful to be with someone as caring, loving and kind as Tim.  

I was talking with a friend who had also been through a damaging relationship and how we both felt that a person could feel sorry for themselves and all “poor me”, or they could choose to look at what they had learned from the experience and how they could become a better person because of it.  Whenever I tell Tim that I wish I had met him sooner so that I could have loved him longer, he reminds me of this.  He reminds me that we went through what we did so that we would appreciate and understand each other better.  That we met each other when we were ready for each other and that the important thing is that we have each other now.  Did I mention he’s pretty smart too?  

So one year with Tim.  And I couldn’t be luckier.  He does all the stuff that a loving husband is supposed to do.  He helps with laundry and dinner and chores.  He helps me clean.  He takes care of things and takes care of me (I love not having to put gas in my vehicle!).  He spoils me with unexpected treats like a Dt MD in the cupholder or Cadbury eggs on the seat.  But it’s more than that.  It’s how he patiently helps my girls with their homework - even when the little one is not very nice about it.  It’s how he is always so steadfast, patient, solid when my world is in a turmoil.  It’s that he’s the one I rush home to because I know that no matter how bad my day was, once he’s holding me it will all be better.  It’s how he makes me laugh at the stupidest things.  It’s how he makes me want to be a better person and inspires me to be stronger in my faith.  It’s how he is by my side and supports me in everything, but challenges me to think about the other side at times too.  It’s how he says “I love you” a dozen times a day, but shows me a dozen more.  

Here’s to the first anniversary.  The first year of many more to come.  The first of forever.  

Why do you show horses?

Why show horses?  It’s a question that came up while reading the comments on a thread on Facebook.  Why do we show horses?  I don’t know if I have ever really asked myself that or been asked that before.  Because it’s fun probably isn’t a good enough answer?  

Why do we show horses is definitely a different answer than why do we own horses.  Those answers are probably easier, yet still a bit mystical.  Owning horses is a challenge.  It is expensive.  It is a lot of work.  It is stressful at times when you have injuries, or trouble finding hay, or a place to keep them.  But it is so worth every dollar and every minute and every second of worry.  

Owning horses brings me great joy.  Just spending time at the barn, cleaning stalls and being around the horses is fun.  Of course riding is my favorite, but I don’t have to ride to enjoy spending time with my horses.  When we had our horses at home, my favorite way to start the day was to wake up and go out to do morning chores.  It’s literally therapy for me.  There is nothing like the feeling of seeing your horses well cared for and happy.  There is no way to describe how they make you feel when you master some task together.  There is nothing as relaxing as just being close to your horse and spending time with their peaceful (or funny) presence.  

But why horse show?  Why not trail ride?  Why not barrel race?  Why not calf roping or the hundreds of other ways to enjoy horses?  The answer to that question is many fold.

We do trail ride, well did - hard to load up and go last year, but hoping to again this year.  We love trail riding. It’s incredibly relaxing and fun to do something different with your horse and put them in different situations to see how they will relax.  Sophie is especially a big fan of the water crossings.  They do add an element of excitement.  Usually we have at least one first timer with our horses and it is always interesting to see how they will react to be asked to cross water the first time.  Some seem to take it to the extreme *cough-Ace-cough*.  There is always something to add interest on a trail ride.  Horse eating picnic tables, fire rings, or lawn chairs for example.  And yes, I have been riding a horse when it has spooked at a butterfly.  1000 lb animal versus a butterfly and the butterfly definitely won that round.  

But we maybe trail ride 4 - 5 times a year, so we can’t say we are dedicated to the sport. (And yes - horseback riding is a sport.  Don’t make me write another blog on that.)  So why, out of the million of directions you can go with horse ownership, did we choose horse showing?  Let’s see.  We wanted something competitive.  I feel that competition pushes us to be the best that we can be.  Competition pushes us to work harder at skills and become better at whatever we are working on, in this case - making a better connection with our horses and helping them be better athletes.  Since our horse friends at the time showed in judged horse events, that is the direction we chose.

Our girls have dabbled in various other events over the years, thanks to the POA being an all around breed.  Both girls have tried and loved game events.  Both girls have done reining patterns and love them.  Both girls have done some jumping and loved that as well.  But our strength, our knowledge base and connections, lie in the judged events.  And while I love the game events as well - until the magical day when I win the lottery and can afford a horse for judged events and games, I’m choosing my favorite of the two and showing my pleasure horse.  

But why horse show at all?  Some people horse show to earn money or win prizes.  Those people spend a lot of money to earn it when you are talking about pleasure horses.  A good money winning/saddle winning pleasure horse costs tens of thousands of dollars.  Their owners spend thousands of dollars on trainers, tack, apparel, trailers and weekends showing at every event they can.  Show circuits give points at every show so you have to attend them all in order to be in the running for high point awards.  That’s not just a time commitment, it’s a financial one as well.  There have been shows where my girls have wanted to run for a high point saddle or other award and I had to be honest and tell them we just couldn’t afford the class fees to enter in all the classes necessary to be in the running.  I hope over the years they have learned and accepted some tough lessons.  

When you show on a budget, you need to show for very different reasons.  You need to show for the love of your sport, you need to truly love your discipline to put in the hours of practice and training necessary to accomplish your goals.  You need to show because you love your horse and want him or her to be the best they can be.  That means, not getting frustrated when your horse can’t compete against horses that are better bred or more heavily trained.  We have a history of showing good horses (not great, but good horses), but we have made most of our horses from the ground up so there have been some frustration and struggles along the way.  It isn’t easy riding the green 3 year old against seasoned show horses. But when you hear your name announced, however infrequently, it is worth so much more knowing that you and your horse got there together.  You have to go into each class not hoping to place, but hoping to reach some private goal between you and your horse.  Maybe today it is just getting your leads.  Maybe it is maintaining a consistent jog.  Maybe, depending on the horse, it is not running over the judge this time.  Meeting those personal goals is worth more than any buckle or saddle.  

We show in used/borrowed tack with plain show clothing, that is usually used as well.  Heck - sometimes it is even borrowed.  I’m not going to say I don’t ogle and ooh and ahh at the fancy show clothes.  And then I look at prices and realize that I paid less than what one jacket costs for two of our horses combined.  But I do still think they are pretty.  I’m thankful that no matter how much Libby wishes she could have one of those fancy jackets, she is willing to hang out with me in our button up shirts and jeans.  Neither of us has an expensive hat, although we both eye them all the time.  Libby shows in her training saddle and I show in my plain jane RS as well.  No fancy headstalls and we have one nice show halter that was a donation to our cause years ago.  I am not complaining!  I love what we do and how we do it.  I love that sometimes we pull out those placings or wins and prove that you don’t have to have all that fancy stuff.  But I sure understand those that want it and enjoy it too.  Bling does make the world go ‘round.  

Showing horses is a source of great joy with periods of disappointment, embarrassment, anxiety and sadness mixed in.  I think that one of my favorite parts of horse showing is all of the people we have met and made connections with over the years.  There are so many great people in horses.  And we have been blessed enough to meet lots of them.  I love sharing the laughs, the rainy days, the sunny days and the success and failures with all of them.  No matter what the judges opinion, there are always memories being made.