Feminist or Foe

I am a feminist.  I didn't always know I was or would have felt that being called a feminist was a great thing.  I have always been proud to be a woman, but felt that to be a feminist you had to act a certain way and believe certain things.  I thought that to be a feminist you had to believe women were not only equal but superior to men and that you had to be angry at men for where our female gender was in the world.  It was so black and white to me at that time.  But the truly wonderful thing is that being a feminist isn't about black and white, it's just about acceptance.  All kinds of acceptance for everyone.  Not just women.

The most recent election has brought feminists out of the woodwork.  With his words and actions, President Trump has made it clear where women stand in his mind.  With more reading about President Trump has come a greater and deeper understanding of what women in our country have faced and still face every single day.  I will continue to be a voice for all women and all mankind moving forward. 

Stories still continue to surprise me.  I have been blessed in my life to associate myself with people who respect women and treat them as near, almost equals.  I have been blessed to enter a career where women are on equal footing.  I am blessed that in my life, I have not experienced the real horrors of what some women have faced.  But have I experienced gender inequality.  Absolutely.

Some of the following are just a few statements, examples, stories that not only can I relate to, but I am guessing that almost every woman reading this blog has either personally experienced or knows a woman who has.  Stories like these are why I am a feminist.  

I remember the first time I heard of "rape culture".  I didn't believe it.  But the more I've read, the more disappointed in myself I was.  How did I not see it?  How did I bury my head in the sand and not realize what was going on all around me and to me?  How did I not speak out against every joke or time I heard the victim blamed for what happened to her?  It made me angry at myself, angry at the way women were treated, angry at how it was laughed off as just how things were.  I had a lot to learn and my own behavior to change.  And so does the rest of society.  All we can do is keep talking, teaching and sharing.

I reached this point of my life.  The point where I am proud to say that I am a feminist.  I will continue to fight for women, men, all races, sexualities, religions, all people to be treated fairly and equally.  I will fight my own misconceptions, the things I was taught by the world around me and I will fight to be a better person.  That is all we can ever do.  Be the best we can be for ourselves and to others. 

Life after Divorce

I’ve started and stopped this blog about a thousand times.  It is incredibly hard to write and protect everyone’s feelings, but yet be honest and hopefully share information that might help someone down the road or right now who is going through the same thing.  And harder still to write, knowing that my kids are older and probably will read this blog.  

I want to design this blog as a sort of list, but how to make the list?  Is it a list of things I’ve learned since the divorce?   A list of mistakes divorced parents make?  A list of things to avoid in a divorce with kids?  The sucky side of divorce when you have kids?  The good side of divorce?  Argghh!!  

I don’t know how to even start this blog other than I know I have some observations I need to reflect on and hopefully my random reflections will connect with someone out there and they can share their reflections too.  And before someone freaks out and feels the need to send this blog to my ex, these are not just my personal experiences, but the experiences of my friends, family and coworkers.  Everyone has a story and some of our stories are similar.

So here you have, “Random Reflections on Divorce (With Kids)”.

1. Let’s start with your ex.  I had this crazy idea when I got divorced that I would be done with my ex and could move on with my life.  I knew we would share parenting, but in my mind I pictured that as a his time/my time/I don’t have to deal with you time.  I pictured myself being “free” from him.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  And now, add to the fact that when life pushes you together, there is all this additional anger and awkwardness in the mix.  Makes for some fun times let me tell you. Many who have been through divorce tell you that it gets easier with time.  I haven’t found that to be true yet, but we are only 4 years out.  I have found it to be a roller coaster of good times and hostile times.  You celebrate the good times and remind yourself that the hostile times won’t last.

2. I had this other crazy idea that once the divorce was final, the lawyer fees would be over.  Apparently that is the case for many.  That is not always the case however.  Be prepared for that residual anger to lead to continued court cases and frivolous lawsuits.  Most of the time these have little to do with justice and more to do with “getting back at the ex”.  There is no wonder lawyers choose to go into family law.  Talk about job security.  Once upon a time I was going to ask my lawyer for a total of my fees so far. And then I thought, (in my best Fat Amy voice) “mmmm… better not.”  I do not want to know.

3. You will have to choke down every honest thing, every sarcastic comment, every automatic response about your ex that you have.  No matter how much they have hurt you in the past, continue to hurt you or hurt your kids; you have to play nice, take the high road and basically keep your mouth shut.  There is a mantra you need to repeat, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”  And if (WHEN) you screw up and you can’t control your mouth, you need to apologize and think of nice things about your ex to say to your kids.  Remind yourself that your kids see some of their parents in themselves.  So when you badmouth their parent, you’re badmouthing them.  Let that soak in, and never forget it.  

4. There is no such thing as “my time” and “his/her time”.  It is the KIDS’ time.  All of it.  If your kids need to get somewhere on “your” time, you take them.  You don’t switch weekends so that you can have fun on your time and the other parent gets the responsibility.  You don’t make the child feel guilty for having events that interrupt “your time”.  Even more so than in nuclear families, you need to be at your kids’ events.  This is not the time to say to yourself, “sure glad it’s their weekend so I don’t have to sit through the band concert.”  Ummm.. yes.  You do.  And the volleyball game.  And the horse show.  And the play performance.  They need both of you at each and every event you can possibly make.  Will you miss some of them, sometimes?  Of course.  But you had better be at most of them or you better have a damn good reason for not being there.  It isn’t always fun, it isn’t always easy, it is called being a parent.  Being divorced doesn’t mean you choose to be less of a parent, it means it is on you to be the best damn parent you can be.  

5. You will probably find that other special someone in your life.  They may or may not have kids too.  You may want nothing more in your life than to make that special person happy.  But guess who comes first.  Not them.  Not their kids.  Certainly not you.  Your kids.  They didn’t ask for this divorced life, it was thrust upon them.  And they don’t need to feel replaced or like your new stepchildren and/or spouse are more important to you than they are.  You kids come first.  Period.  

6. You will no longer have a say in a lot of aspects of your kids’ lives and upbringing.  And it will drive you crazy sometimes.  You know how you have tried to make your child be independent and do chores around the house?  That will probably not happen at the other parent’s house.  Especially if they have limited time with them.  No one wants to be the “crabby” parent who makes their kids have responsibilities, least of all the parent who only gets them every other weekend.  You still need to be a parent.  What good is it to be the favorite parent, if your child grows up to be a entitled, irresponsible burden to society?  Much better to be the “strict” parent to an adult everybody can stand.  Set the rules, set the expectations, assign the chores.  Be a parent.  Everyone tells me that my kids will thank me someday.  Pretty sure they would disagree with you, but I’m counting on all of you to be right.  You may teach your kids not to judge others and be kind while their other household may take great joy in backstabbing and gossiping.  You may want your child to grow their hair long and they may take and cut it off.  You may say no to that second hole in their ears, that cell phone, that game boy and all those items may be purchased for your children without your permission.  All of these things are their decision too.  You go from having a say in how your children are raised, to having a say some of the time.  It isn’t easy to accept.  Especially for parents who were used to being almost completely in charge of their children’s care.   

7. Along with this goes the whole favorite parent contest.  It is the easiest trap to fall into. Who doesn’t want their child to love them the most?  And when you don’t have so many warm fuzzy feelings for your ex and can’t think of many redeeming qualities for them, of course you want to be chosen over them.  This is when the badmouthing starts.  And then the outdoing gifts, trips, and family activities. (Your dad took you to Valleyfair?  Guess who’s going to Disney World!)  This is also where the lack of chores and responsibilities comes in.  (Oh, you don’t have to do your own laundry here, let me do that for you.)  Do not, do not, do not, fall into this trap.  You may have to put on an Academy Award performance, but do not let your kids know that it is okay to talk badly about their other parent in front of you, do not let them think it makes you happy (and what you want them to do) and do NOT ever do it yourself.  I’d love to say that I’ve got this down.  I do not.  But it is something I constantly work on and I know is very important.  It is something I will continue to work on because it does not matter what makes me happy, it is what makes my kids happy.  Remember, they didn’t ask for this divorce, it was forced upon them.  

8. You will lose family and friends that were close to you.  My ex’s family was like my family.  I loved his sisters and sisters-in-law like my own and his brothers were my brothers. My nieces and nephews gave me great joy and to this day I miss the hugs and cuddles.  We spent loads of time with his family and had years of laughs and memories together.  But it was awkward after and there was so much he said/she said that family was being put in the middle and it was easiest to just step away and all go our separate ways. Sometimes a person gets tired of trying to defend themselves and seeing those that they care about being hurt.  I can almost guarantee that it will be like elementary school, “if you’re friends with them, you can’t be friends with us.”  It’s ridiculous, we all get that.  It just seems like people can’t help themselves.

9. Planning parent contact time for the month will become like the NFL draft.  “I’ll trade you one rock solid holiday, prime time for a Friday-Monday extended weekend.”   Be prepared to work on your negotiation skills and be prepared to give.  Remember that it is not “your time and his time”  it is all your kids’ time.  

10. Which brings us to another sad realization.  You will have to learn to have holidays without your kids.  There is nothing sadder than waking up Christmas morning without your kids.  And traditions have to alter and change with the changing times.  You might not be able to open stockings and have breakfast Christmas morning.  Maybe you do your Easter egg hunt on Easter Monday.  Maybe your 4th of July picnic becomes an August fun in the sun type of day.  It is hard, but it can be fun too.  Come up with new traditions and plan them together.  Make this change a positive one.  

So I’ve listed a lot of negatives or the downsides of divorce.  But there are loads of good things that have come out of my divorce as well, for both the kids and I.  

11.  I am finally happy.  Truly happy.  I don’t feel like I am on the verge of flying off the handle into tears or anger.  I no longer have overwhelming anxiety.  I no longer hate how I look.  I love my life and I love my future.  I feel like I actually have a future.  I cannot describe to you the difference in who I feel I was pre-divorce to how I feel now.  And not only am I happy with who I am for me, I have an amazing new someone who is the man I always wanted and dreamed of finding.  Getting divorced makes you vividly aware of what you would ever have to have to consider getting married again. (I made a list.) And you learn not to settle ever again and make sure that list is met.  In my case, I was told that what I wanted in a relationship was a fairy tale and impossible.  Well, I guess Tim is my Prince Charming then because he is very real and everything I had ever hoped to find.

12.  My kids are stronger than I had ever imagined possible.  They have had to deal with upsets and struggles and hurt.  It has made each of them less judgmental, more kind, more understanding, and strong.  These girls are tough and determined.  A few years ago I could never have imagined them moving towns, changing schools and starting over with new friends, but here they are.  And doing it with virtually no problems!  I am so proud of them.  

13.  Change is so much easier.  You know sometimes people can handle little changes?  When you have completely uprooted your entire life and started over, well - what time the spring concert is doesn’t seem like something to stress about any more.  

14.  I know what is important in life and I’ve learned the value of people, not things.  I know I’ve talked about this in previous blogs, but when you have had to start over and have lost things you thought you couldn’t live without, you quickly learn what is truly important in life and what matters.  People matter.  Things do not.  

15.  I’m a better mom.  Being a divorced parent pushes you to make choices that directly affect your kids.  And when your kids’ well being is always on the forefront of your mind, then you become a better parent.  It forces you to play both roles and become a whole new level of parent.  You can’t always be the good guy or always be the enforcer.  It’s a whole new balancing game and brings great challenges, but even bigger rewards.

Divorce has taught me a ton about myself, my friends, my loved one and the world in general. All valuable life lessons. It has made my life better by leaps and bounds and I hope, my kids' lives better in many ways as well. We are all learning and growing all the time. And if we continue to look at life's challenges as learning opportunities, and search for the positive in them, we become better too. Hugs and prayers to all of you who have been through or are looking at the possibility of divorce. I know you've got this! And remember that you always have me.

Why LulaRoe?

It has come up a lot lately, due to the vast change in my wardrobe.  I get a lot of people asking questions, “why are you wearing a dress”, “you said you would never wear dresses”, “what’s with all the loud prints”, “how much of your wardrobe is LulaRoe now”, “you always used to shop at Goodwill”, “what’s so great about LulaRoe”, “I thought you said leggings weren’t pants”, and the list goes on and on.  They are right to question and it is okay to ask.  I don’t often answer other than to say, “LulaRoe has changed me” and typically I get some kind of befuddled look, a head nod and we go our separate ways.  I really don’t want to bore anyone with the long back story and really “changed me” describes it pretty well.  

I guess the questions that people should be asking are more “why wouldn’t you wear dresses before” and “why wouldn’t you wear bright/loud colors”?  Because that’s where the answer to all of this starts.  And the reason is simple, I didn’t love myself.  I didn’t love my body, I didn’t love how I looked, I didn’t love how I looked in clothes and I didn’t want to spend money on clothes since I looked the same in all of them.  When I looked in the mirror I saw lumpy, bumpy and frumpy.  Those should be the names of Snow White’s dwarves or something.  The new and improved Snow White.  Or maybe not so improved.

I remember trying at various times.  Stepping out of my box and trying a new look here or there.  But it always seemed to backfire and I never got it quite right.  I also had plenty of help at home being told I looked ridiculous, or what was I trying to prove, who did I think I was, etc…. Nothing like a shot in the self esteem to be told that anything other than loose fit khakis and a sweater make you look ridiculous.  I was told my boobs sucked - so nothing low cut.  I was fat, so no belting or anything snug.  Every color under the rainbow wasn’t “good on me”.   And dresses?  Why are all dresses so fitted?  And so many show your legs.  I’m not so proud of my legs.  Lots of bumps, bruises, scars and yes - I have psoriasis, which apparently is repulsive.  So I’ve gotten really good over the years at covering, well, everything.  

Then my best friend in the whole wide world starts selling this stuff called LulaRoe.  I literally had to google it when she told me her big news.  That’s how far out of the fashion loop I was.  Well, let’s be honest, I’m still completely in the dark, but I have like this candle I carry around now.  And I’ll be honest, my first thought was, “OMG.  I have to be a good friend and buy something.  But how do I not hurt her feelings when I never wear it?  And I cannot wear that stuff - I would look ridiculous! And it’s so expensive! (Remember - I shopped Goodwill. But not just Goodwill, Goodwill on Blue Tag Tuesday when everything with a blue tag was $1.50. And I was pretty serious about only buying blue tags.)  

But I bought something.  Do you remember what it was, Amy?  (I know she’s reading this.  She reads all my blogs.  She is my BEST friend, remember.)  And because she is my best friend I agreed to host her first party.  To promote her party she had me wear a pair of leggings prior to the party.  They weren't exactly wild, but they were still WAY out of my comfort zone.  But much to my surprise.  I loved them.  A lot.  And thankfully I earned some rewards from my first party and bought something else, or a couple something else’s.  

And then I branched out to another style and tried that.  Then I got my first dress - a Julia.  Which, for you non Lula people, is a fitted dress.  I still can’t believe it!  And I loved it on me.  It made me feel pretty.  (Gotta love my facial expression in this one.)

To be completely honest, I still wear leggings under all my dresses.  We will see how brave I get by this summer.  Right now the temperature is my friend and makes it so I have an excuse to keep covering up.  And I have a new favorite dress, the Nicole. But I love my Carly's and find them to be the most versatile. I've worn them so many different ways from turning it into a shirt to a belted dress. But still not brave enough to show my bare legs. Working on it.

From then on it was love.  I loved how they made me feel.  I get compliments, but that’s not the half of it.  I like looking in the mirror and liking what I see.  I feel fun and I feel adventurous.  I feel brave and bold.  And I don’t feel lumpy and bumpy, because these clothes are all about comfort and flowy fit.  I love the bright colors and fun prints.  I have an excuse to buy leggings with unicorns on them.  Unicorns and I’m 40 - but everything goes because it is LulaRoe!    

Speaking of unicorns - I've always been in love with unicorns.  You know, since like, birth.  I think it is that horse gene that I have.  And guess what Lula followers call their favorite but hard to find patterns?  Yeah, unicorns.  Unicorns might be roses or raccoons or rabbits.  Any pattern that you're looking for, but can't find, that's your unicorn.  An "elusive" print.  You could say I have a pinterest board devoted to prints I want to have someday and you wouldn't be lying.   You could also say Lula and I were destined to be together.  (Yeah - I'm being dramatic.  It's my blog, I can be.)

I started researching ways to wear each piece and have watched dozens of youtube videos, I have a playlist on youtube just for Lula styling ideas.  These pieces aren’t just a shirt.  There are a million ways to turn this or that shirt into everything from a tshirt to a halter top to a strapless dress.  Want to do something different?  Turn it backwards and start over with shaping and tying it differently.  People are so creative.  So I can be creative without having to even think about it.  All the hard work is done.  I just have to take the pieces I own and play with them.  And I absolutely love it.  I mean, who would have ever thought I would research and then buy fishnet stockings. Fishnets people. But they completely have changed my world - check out how they look over solid leggings!

I love how each piece can be dressed up or dressed down, how wearing it tied a different way completely changes it. Here's a Lindsay worn a couple of different ways. There is a third way that is kind of cute where you turn it into a wrap shirt. I tried that, but all I could hear was my mom's voice in the back of my head telling me that horizontal stripes make you look wider and I just couldn't do it. Maybe if I get a different Lindsay down the road. I hear they come in lace, hmm....

 (By now you've noticed that you're getting a lot of my classroom.   It's the best full length mirror I have, sorry.)

And of course I can't forget my two favorite shirts.  Just today I took my solid Irma and turned it into a halter top.  I love this look.  Love love love.  And the Randy is so cute.  Easy to dress down, but also easy to dress up too.  And everything comes in so many super cool patterns and colors.  You can go monochromatic, gray and black are in the color palette, but why when there are so many other and better options?  

I guess to answer the question, "why LulaRoe?" my answer will always be, "why the hell not?" If you find something that makes you feel like a new person, makes you feel like a million bucks, is fun and makes you happy, why not? I still love to accent and add to my outfits with my Goodwill finds, but choosing which Lula combo to wear each day is my favorite part of the morning. I believe that LulaRoe has changed my life. It has changed how I feel about clothes, but most importantly, has changed how I feel about me. I hope that my story inspires others to step outside their comfort zone and try something new. Find that something that makes you feel good about you and share it with the world. And maybe, just maybe, you'll drag your loved ones along with you. I know I did!

Older and Wiser

Okay, so I have a birthday coming up and I’m not excited about it.  For a lot of reasons, but some of them are the cold hard reality that I am “old”.  My favorite songs are officially on the oldies stations, my childhood toys are “vintage” and I hit that milestone last year, complete with the black flowers and over the hill jokes.  I have a younger fiance who likes to say “must have been before my time”.  You know, because he is three WHOLE years younger than me.  So, let’s just say I’m not excited about the official year older birthday coming up.

But there are some positives to getting older.  A Facebook friend shared a status the other day that really struck a chord with me.  Some of the things in this status are exactly the kinds of things I have been trying to share with my own kids and get them to understand.  I realize that I had to learn the hard way, but I sure wish my kids from learn from my example (albeit, not always a good one).  The first part of the status went as follows….

“As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or a $30.00 watch - - they both tell the same time. Whether we carry a $300 or a $30.00 wallet/handbag - - the amount of money inside is the same. Whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $15 wine - - the hangover is the same. Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq. ft. - - loneliness is the same. Whether you drive a $8,000 Honda or a $80,000 Benz --they both serve the same purpose. You will realize, your true inner happiness does not come from the MATERIAL things of this world.

Therefore, I hope you realize, when you have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, who you chat with, laugh with, talk with, have sung songs with, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth - - That is true happiness!!”

This one took me way too long to figure out.  I’ve always been more of the Goodwill/clearance rack type of shopper, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t wish I could afford the others.  I remember as a teen wanting that pair of Girbaud or Guess jeans, Tommy Hilfiger or anything other than Shopko brand.  As an adult it was wanting the fancy horse trailer, the nicer camper, the embarrassment over our home.  It took me starting over again to really realize what was important.  All that “stuff” didn’t make me happy.  If you’re constantly striving to have the newest and best, guess what - even when you get it, it fixes nothing, solves nothing and doesn’t make you happy.  In fact, I remember getting my first Coach purse and returning it (ended up having to exchange it because they wouldn’t let me return it).  I was HORRIFIED by how much it cost.  Who needs a $300 purse?  For $300 it had better MAKE me money, not just hold my money.  I can buy a hell of a lot of groceries for $300.   

Tim will sometimes tell me that he wishes he could buy me some of the things I want like a home in the country, a new truck or trailer, etc…  I always have the same response, “I have everything because I have you and our kids in my life.”  And I’m not just saying that.  Sure those things would be nice, they may even make our lives easier, but they wouldn’t make me happy.  Because I have found that you can lose those things and guess what - I’m still here and I’m still happy.  

I wish I could get all my girls to understand this.  Sophie was saying the other day that she feels embarrassed because her clothes aren’t all Pink, Nike or whatever the current name brand fad is.  I tried to tell her that looking back on my high school days, I cannot tell you who wore what.  I can’t tell you who had the nicest clothes or picture one damn thing they wore.  I mean, really, we all looked pretty ridiculous in rolled jeans and big hair.  What I do remember is the people who made me feel like crap, the people who made me feel like my Shopko jeans weren’t good enough, the people who let me know that they thought they were better than I was because of what I spent on clothes.  That is not how I want my kids to be remembered.  I want their classmates to look back and remember them for being kind, being helpful and being fun to hang out with.

Another part of the status shared some undeniable facts of life. (Does anyone else from my era have the theme song to Facts of Life in your head yet?  “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the …..  There now you do, you’re welcome.)

SIX UNDENIABLE FACTS OF LIFE:

1. Don't educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.

2. Best awarded words: "Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food."

3. The one who loves you will never leave you because even if there are 100 reasons to give up he or she will find one reason to hold on.

4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it.

5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, you have to manage!

6. If you just want to Walk Fast, Walk Alone! But if you want to Walk Far, Walk Together!

While these 6 facts are completely random and all over the board, each has their core in the truth about what you learn over the years.  1 - we were just talking about this, 2 - there are no magic patches or pills, eat right and exercise to stay healthy, 3 - and it may take you several failed tries to find “the one”, 4 - truth, 5 - to be loved you need to be loving, 6 - everything is better when done together.  

The last part of the status on Facebook listed the six best “doctors” in the world.  It’s a list of the things we all take for granted and don’t spend enough time concentrating on.  We are always looking for the quick fix, the easy solution.  There are no easy solutions, the following list is pretty self explanatory and believe me, they are doable.  All you have to do is want to try.  

SIX BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD:

1. Sunlight

2. Rest

3. Exercise

4. Diet

5. Self Confidence and

6. Friends

Maintain them in all stages of Life and enjoy a healthy life.

The last line of the status was a quote that I have heard before and never really thought about.  Looking at it, reading it and really thinking about it brought me to a realization that this is probably one of the key parts of getting older and wiser.  It says, “The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”  You do reach a certain part of your life when you think to yourself, I’m done waiting.  I’ve spent too much of my life waiting.  Time to live my life, as is, right here in the moment and enjoy my life as is, right here, in the moment.  

Being an empath

I honestly do not know if I have been an empath my whole life.  Now if you’re a fan of the TV show Charmed, I’m not talking about the kind of empath demonstrated by Alyssa Milano’s character, Phoebe.  I can’t literally feel what you’re feeling.  Your emotions don’t become mine, exactly.  But empaths do absorb the moods and emotions of those around them.  And we do struggle to separate our own emotions from those around us.   One thing I do know is that I didn’t even know what an empath was until a few years ago when I went through therapy.  I always thought there was something wrong with me.  That I was just a worry wart, bossy, overly sensitive, had an obsessive need for order. Well, those things may still be true.  But I understand more the why behind who I am so much more now.  

I am an empath.  This isn’t like AA, I’m not going to stand up a proclaim, “My name is Melissa, and I am an empath.”  That would be stating that what I am is a problem that I need to overcome.  Being an empath is not something that I need to change about me.  I didn’t always feel that way.  I didn’t always have people in my life who supported me being the way I am. These days I’m lucky enough to have support and self confidence enough to be able to not only to accept that I’m an empath, but to finally embrace it and see the positives.  And I’ve found that there are many more like me. There are times when it is pretty reassuring that you’re not unique.

Signs You're an Empath

Being an empath has caused some little and big problems in my life.  It isn’t always easy or fun.  Being an empath made me an easy target for a narcissist.  Part of being an empath is wanting to fix people and help people.  So not only did it make me an easy target, but kept me in a relationship where I had no business.  The following link is literally a step by step description of what that relationship went like.  But I love the last one - #24: The empath will be stronger, wiser and more careful about who they give time, affection and love.  There truly is a positive upside to everything and a better way of looking at things.

An Empath and a Narcissist

How does being an empath change your life?   

1. It means that sometimes I just can’t cope with crowds.  It has gotten much better over the years.  Large crowds used to literally scare me and send my anxiety through the roof.  I’ve learned to actually enjoy being at events with lots of friends and family.  
2. It means that I need alone time to decompress.  It used to hurt people’s feelings when I would just ask them to leave me alone.  It used to make people think I was standoffish, anti social, a loner.   I’m not a loner - I love people.  I love visiting.  But when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I need to escape into my own world.  Running helps with that.  Nothing like losing yourself in solace on a run and apparently that is more socially acceptable than just eating your lunch by yourself.
3. I stink at putting my needs first.  Over the years I have had to learn, and constantly remind myself, that I am not being selfish if I do something for myself every once in awhile.  Part of being a good parent (a good friend)  is taking time for yourself and taking care of your mental health too.  I still stink at it, but I am working on it.
4. There is nothing, and I literally mean nothing, that heals my mood and spirits like riding or even just spending time with my horses.  The more time I spend at the barn and with the horses, the better my stress induced psoriasis gets.  I have had people tell me over the years that I should get rid of horses, that I am selfish for keeping them.  I have gotten to the point in my self awareness that I will get rid those people before I get rid of my horses.  They are that important to my emotional well being.
5. I am incredibly sensitive.  My feelings get hurt easily.  I feel emotions intensely and passionately.  All emotions - hurt, anger, happiness, love, you name it, I feel it.  A lot.  People have described me as “moody”.  This is difficult and something I have worked on over the years.  It has been a long uphill struggle to learn to manage and control the emotions.  I have learned not to respond to things right away until I have had a chance to calm down and think things through.  I give myself time outs.  Literally put myself in my room.  I try not to make decisions when I am feeling any emotion too strongly.  Even joy/happiness.  
6. I used to not be able to watch certain movies because they upset me.  I distinctly remember turning off Planet of the Apes because it was too disturbing (the part with the little girl as a “pet” - could not do it).  Now I can watch Criminal Minds.  
7. Part of the problem is that I absorb the emotions of those around me.  That is something I haven’t been very good at working through.  If I’m around someone sad, I’ll immediately feel sadness.  If you’re crabby -I’m crabby.  If you’re quiet, I’ll be quiet and introspective.  It’s so frustrating to not know what you’re really feeling yourself and what emotions you are just picking up from those around you.   
8. Going along with this is the previous one is the quote or advice that so many people give. It has many versions but they all come back to not letting other people control your emotions.  This is about as helpful to an empath as telling a ticked off person to “just relax”. I can get there eventually, but it takes a lot of self talk and support.  It is in my nature to let others’ worries become my worries, their anger my anger, their joy my joy.  Like I’ve been saying,  I’m a work in progress.

9.   Being an empath has also caused me plenty of hurt and pain due to people being disappointing me with their actions, their words, their inability to respect the feelings of others.  I used to get so hurt by people who didn’t treat me the way I treated them.  Or who I felt had betrayed my trust.  I took it as my fault, that I wasn’t good enough or I had done something to make them think it was okay to treat me that way. There is a meme that goes around where it says something about others won’t be as good to you as you are to them. This may be true, but it also shouldn’t stop me from doing everything I can to continue to help others, be there for others and be the best friend that I can be.  Sometimes the only reward we need, is knowing that we did the best we can to be the best person we can be.  

I used to hate being an empath.  It used to make me feel like a crazy person, that there was something wrong with me.  I was always trying to be “less” of who I was, pretending to have it all under control and that no one could hurt me.   But I have an incredible support system now that accepts every bit of me for the way I am. I’ve learned that I can control my reactions and work through a lot of what I’m feeling before I do things I regret later (usually).  And slowly I’m learning that I’m okay, just the way I am.