Anyone have some self confidence they aren’t using?

Sigh.  So Sunday was one of "those" shows.  It was one of those confidence busting, maybe I should quit, trail riding looks like more my style shows.  I hope that anyone who has ever ridden/trained/shown a young horse can relate.  But honestly I can’t blame it on China.  So I’m not even gonna try to place the blame anywhere but in my lap.  Showing horses is about setting these large animals up to be successful and I did nothing of the sort.
It started with me being in too much of a rush in showmanship and being at the cone through the Star Spangled Banner and waiting for the office to be ready and therefore our trot off was more of a sluggish slur to the first cone.  At that point my brain shut down.  It was downhill from there. I was too afraid to ask for more canter in English pleasure.   I blew a diagonal is equitation that I had all day to find due to a sitting trot prior.  I tried the single hand bit for the first time in western pleasure and she was not ready for that.  Then I rushed our horsemanship pattern because I just wanted to get her untacked and cooled out due to the extreme heat.  (Heat index was around 110 degrees.) The whole day was a complete bust other than surviving our first bareback lope class (and placing).  And I came home literally with thoughts of, what should I do instead of this horse show thing? I have a pony in the pasture I want to get going on games.  I could quit it all and just trail ride. I could just stick with walk trot.  Forever. You may call me dramatic, but that is where I was on Sunday.  I wasn’t mad at the judge.  I wasn’t mad at China.  I was (and still am to some extent) epically disappointed in myself.
It took everything in my being not to call the person I’m staying with for Champ Show and ask for my paperwork back.  It’s not that I won’t get a call back or a placing.  It’s that I will embarrass myself, our farm, and poor China who has only ever tried her heart out.  Logical Melissa knows that China could give a crap less if she flubs a pattern.  But I don’t want anyone watching us to think "what a crappy horse" or "she could do this or that with a different horse".  Nope, I couldn’t.  I do the same with every horse I ride.  I struggle. Maybe it’s a struggle some of the rest of you can relate to. Or at least one of you?  Please tell me I’m not alone.
I have anxiety. That’s no big secret.  Diagnosed general anxiety disorder with a helping of mild to moderate depression on top.  But I’m off all medications for 3 years now and doing great, most of the time. But there are times when I just want to pull the blanket up and quit it all.  You know, everyone gets tired of fighting sometimes.  For some of us, the reality is that the exhaustion, the self doubt, the self loathing is overwhelming. And telling us to just stop it or you’re fine or even worse, "you’re just being silly" isn’t going to help it.  Enter horse showing and a person has to wonder why I even started this hobby.

What keeps those of us with anxiety heading back into the competition arena?  We have anxiety, we have panic attacks.  We find it hard to face our fears.  But we are also fighters and we will not let anxiety win and keep us from doing what we love.  If we let the anxiety win, that is the only time when we are truly losing.  Like a great coach told me, "you miss 100% of the home runs you don't swing at."  (Or something like that.  You get the drift.)  Here’s what I know after Friday’s disaster,  I’m going to keep riding.  I love my horse.  I love the sport.  I know that with practice we can get better. I will keep riding and maybe get some more lessons.  It’s a helpless feeling knowing you aren’t improving and not knowing how to do anything about it.  What do you do when you’re stuck?  Get help! I will not let anxiety and lack of self confidence win.  I will not let it keep me in the corner or keep me from pushing myself to be better.  If I do, then anxiety wins and I’ve come way too far for that to happen.  So... to take a page out of my therapist’s handbook "What’s the worst that can happen if we flub a pattern or a pleasure class?" I throw away $3 and people get a good laugh at my expense.  I think that’s survivable.  How about you?

Horse show update - #3

Last weekend was our first DW Productions show in Cannon Falls.  On our way there, Sophie and I realized that the last time we had shown there was 6 years prior for a POA show.  That was the last year Sophie showed and here we were again.  We just love the shows that Dani puts on, you can't find a more fun and well organized show than the one's Dani is in charge of.  Since we had decided against showing at any more of the MEC events for 2019, why not try a new venue?

It was a great show to take a step back with China and let her find her comfort zone with walk/trot classes. The warm up was definitely bigger than Winona, but China was still struggling with her "social anxiety" in the warm up the first day.  She was scooting and jumping so I tried to find her a quiet corner for her to stand in with her back to the wall and just watch the goings on. Honestly, I don't blame her sometimes.  There are people with little to no ring etiquette and it is a miracle that more people don't get run into.  It always surprises me that my boss mare is so afraid of every other horse outside her own pasture.  It was just what she needed to work on building that confidence again.  Once in the ring, she just did her thing.

And boy did she do her thing.  Saturday was a clean sweep of all our classes, except egg and spoon.  Honestly - WHAT IS THE SECRET to that stupid class.  My egg literally starts shaking and moving at the walk.  I do not understand how you people manage to keep it at the lope.  We even took home a special award for our debut of the Wonder Woman outfit (with bright blue scarf).  They were having a red, white and blue contest in honor of the Fourth of July weekend and we were judge's choice.  Woohoo!  Sophie was horribly embarrassed and felt the whole outfit was "over the top".  But I love it and I love my hat that Jake custom made for it.  It's perfect.  (I will not wear the giant blue scarf again, but it was a special contest!)   After our last bareback class, the judge (who had seen us the week before) commented that China looked amazing and that we had really knocked it out of the park all day.  One thing I'll give my mare, that girl can trot.

Because we have a 1994 Suburban and an even older bumper pull stock trailer, we were one of the few people at the local hotel that evening.  We joked that we virtually had the hotel to ourselves and people missed out.  The Saratoga Inn has really been doing a great job of fixing up the place.  We were very comfortable and taken care of and appreciate the recommendation and the reduced horse show rate.  We also made sure to spend extra time back at the show grounds watching the games and visiting.  It was so fun to watch and catch up with some of the game folks too.

The next day China and I had another great day.  She was just a little bit better again about the warm up pen and we felt confident enough to try the bosal in pleasure and bareback horsemanship.  If her rider could get her head on straight she might have remembered it was a left forehand pivot (not the right) we could have nailed the English equitation pattern.  But I was very proud of her horsemanship pattern though.  We just need to work on our pivots!  Guess what folks, we placed first or second all day long, even in our least favorite class - egg and spoon!  YAY!!  We will continue to work on loping and show in the lope classes at SEMSCA and other open shows we may attend, but it was nice to take a step back into China's comfort zone and help her to find her happy place again for a weekend too.  It was a real surprise though to hear that we had won the overall walk/trot buckle for junior and senior combined.  Was not expecting that one!  Our fourth buckle together!

Let's talk about Sophie.  Sophie was the one who pushed for us to go to this show.  She wanted to take Mercy to a big show and lope against other ponies.  Since this show had a pony division, off we went.  She worked SO hard with Mercy because she wanted to add bareback to her pony's list of events.  They rode every day, sometimes twice a day and worked their tails off prior to the show.  Folks, this pony was a gem all weekend.  Where she struggled with the right lead at the show prior, she never missed it once all weekend long.  She barely whinnied to her BFF China.  She was never spooky or scared or looked at anything sideways.  And there was plenty to look at at this show.  Complete with people sitting right on the rail that even hissed at her when she went by.  (Still not sure what that was about...)

Mercy hasn't been a cake walk.  The first couple of weeks we had her I hated the little toot.  She was definitely a prima donna who thought she was pretty special.  I have told a few folks privately, but Mercy was kind of a challenge.  Sophie admitted once to me recently that she was a little afraid of her and almost gave up on her, but couldn't admit defeat.  Mercy went through a whole bag of tricks to try to get rid of her rider.  First trying to buck, then rearing and there was a period of some bolting too if I remember correctly.  One by one, Sophie checked those things off the "think again ya little turd" list and Mercy realized that being a good girl was a whole heck of a lot easier than being a sassy shit.  We used to joke that the song that goes, "Oh she's sweet but she's psycho, a little bit psycho" was written about Mercy.  Not true anymore.  This pony has a whole new outlook on life and it is onwards and upwards from here.  All because of Sophie. So proud of her for sticking with her little project and the two of them have really come together as a team.

Saturday was also their day.  They did so great in all their classes, that Sophie had the confidence to try that bareback class.   They were faster than the rest of the class, but Sophie rode the heck out of that pony.  They didn't place, but they checked "bareback" off their list of accomplishments.  They placed first in almost all of their classes.  Sunday was also their day.  This time they did place first in all of their classes except showmanship (2), egg and spoon (5)  BUT they pulled out a fourth in a tough bareback class.  They had such a great weekend that it wasn't much of a surprise when weekend high point winners were announced.  Sophie and Mercy won the buckle, and Sophie's first ever buckle, for the pony division.  I am SO proud of all the hard work she has done training her pony and getting her show ready.  They have come so far, I can't wait to see where they are headed.  Best part was that her buckle was donated by the same person who leased us her first walk/trot pony.  She sure has come a long way from Buddy to today, but great ponies like Buddy are the ones who got her to where she is.

Speaking of great ponies, one of the other ponies in the class was Cotton, her last show pony.  It was so great to see him with his new girl and it was even more great to see Sophie and Cloe hanging out together all weekend.  Having horse friends in the best.  I'm super thankful for the laughs I had with Heidi, Amy, Julie, Jonathon, Kim, Rio, Amy and so many more.  The best part about horse showing is the friends we make along the way.  We are so proud of Cloe and Cotton and their reserve place finish.  He has the best home and rider with the gang there.

So many people to thank for a great weekend.  Thanks to Dani for holding the show.  Thanks to Jake Thompson for making my hat to complete the most perfect outfit.  Thanks to Libby for doing chores so we could all have a much needed weekend away and know the critters were in good hands.  Thank you to Ken Friday and Anne Dkystra for planning your breedings and bringing such great critters into this world!  Thank you to Harmony Agri for the top notch feed keeping my ponies fit and shiny.  Thank you to Chosen Valley Vet and Bryce for getting China through her mysterious illness and back to her old self. Thank you to my coworkers and manager that covered shifts so that I could have the weekend off.

But most of all thank you to my amazing hubby, Tim.  I know that more than a few people wanted to hire him as he was the handiest groom/barn help there is with unloading, loading, cleaning stalls, filling water, etc...  Many "show dads" joke that they are in directors in charge of finance and transportation, but Tim goes so far and above that.  He makes a great post to hold any horse, but he also gets every pattern and runs through it with me a hundred times before each class.  Which is a good thing because (other than that stupid forehand pivot going the wrong direction) I didn't miss anything in a pattern for the first time ever.  He even questions me about cone placement and how to exit and all those minute details like "where are you going to stop in reference to the cone".   Who knows how to do that?  My hubby.  But that isn't the only way he takes the coaching role seriously.  He also reminds us to have a good attitude.  He makes us try classes we don't think we should AND he gets me coffee.  Does it get any better than that?  Oh yes, yes it does.  He video tapes AND takes pictures.  We wouldn't have any memories of this amazing weekend if it weren't for him.  Thanks to him, I have framers like this one.  Thanks honey!

What's next?  Back to back SEMSCA shows this weekend in Albert Lea.  New arena, new challenges, same great ponies.  Hope to see lots of you there!