It started with me being in too much of a rush in showmanship and being at the cone through the Star Spangled Banner and waiting for the office to be ready and therefore our trot off was more of a sluggish slur to the first cone. At that point my brain shut down. It was downhill from there. I was too afraid to ask for more canter in English pleasure. I blew a diagonal is equitation that I had all day to find due to a sitting trot prior. I tried the single hand bit for the first time in western pleasure and she was not ready for that. Then I rushed our horsemanship pattern because I just wanted to get her untacked and cooled out due to the extreme heat. (Heat index was around 110 degrees.) The whole day was a complete bust other than surviving our first bareback lope class (and placing). And I came home literally with thoughts of, what should I do instead of this horse show thing? I have a pony in the pasture I want to get going on games. I could quit it all and just trail ride. I could just stick with walk trot. Forever. You may call me dramatic, but that is where I was on Sunday. I wasn’t mad at the judge. I wasn’t mad at China. I was (and still am to some extent) epically disappointed in myself.
It took everything in my being not to call the person I’m staying with for Champ Show and ask for my paperwork back. It’s not that I won’t get a call back or a placing. It’s that I will embarrass myself, our farm, and poor China who has only ever tried her heart out. Logical Melissa knows that China could give a crap less if she flubs a pattern. But I don’t want anyone watching us to think "what a crappy horse" or "she could do this or that with a different horse". Nope, I couldn’t. I do the same with every horse I ride. I struggle. Maybe it’s a struggle some of the rest of you can relate to. Or at least one of you? Please tell me I’m not alone.
I have anxiety. That’s no big secret. Diagnosed general anxiety disorder with a helping of mild to moderate depression on top. But I’m off all medications for 3 years now and doing great, most of the time. But there are times when I just want to pull the blanket up and quit it all. You know, everyone gets tired of fighting sometimes. For some of us, the reality is that the exhaustion, the self doubt, the self loathing is overwhelming. And telling us to just stop it or you’re fine or even worse, "you’re just being silly" isn’t going to help it. Enter horse showing and a person has to wonder why I even started this hobby.
What keeps those of us with anxiety heading back into the competition arena? We have anxiety, we have panic attacks. We find it hard to face our fears. But we are also fighters and we will not let anxiety win and keep us from doing what we love. If we let the anxiety win, that is the only time when we are truly losing. Like a great coach told me, "you miss 100% of the home runs you don't swing at." (Or something like that. You get the drift.) Here’s what I know after Friday’s disaster, I’m going to keep riding. I love my horse. I love the sport. I know that with practice we can get better. I will keep riding and maybe get some more lessons. It’s a helpless feeling knowing you aren’t improving and not knowing how to do anything about it. What do you do when you’re stuck? Get help! I will not let anxiety and lack of self confidence win. I will not let it keep me in the corner or keep me from pushing myself to be better. If I do, then anxiety wins and I’ve come way too far for that to happen. So... to take a page out of my therapist’s handbook "What’s the worst that can happen if we flub a pattern or a pleasure class?" I throw away $3 and people get a good laugh at my expense. I think that’s survivable. How about you?
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