Unpopular opinion: divorce and marriage

I believe in divorce. I know that it is an unpopular opinion to have, because for some reason people have it in their heads that people who have decided to get divorced, do so with little to no thought.   I do not believe that people go into marriage thinking, "well - if it doesn't work out I can just get divorced."  Not SMART people anyway.  Anyone that knows anyone that has gotten divorced knows that divorce is a hell of a lot of trouble and expense.  It isn't worth just jumping into marriage with a plan of jumping out.  Because let's be honest, it isn't like "jumping out".  It's more like dragging yourself on your elbows, through barbed wire and broken glass.  While on fire.  And with a car on top of you.  There is no jumping out.  Divorce is fighting over who gets the good towels when that is all you really have to your name.  Divorce is lawyers and court dates, custody battles and arguing over 7:00 or 8:00 and where your child sleeps and dirty laundry.  (Literally - dirty laundry).  It's ugly, it's expensive, it's long and it is the direct opposite of fun.

But people who have been married for years, or worse -people who are newly married and don't have experience with what marriage really entails, love to share the heck out of memes/quotes like the following.

Aww, how lovely.  How lovely for you that are all in the happy go lucky, I'm so in love with him, he's cute when he sucks up soup off his spoon, he can't do anything wrong stage.  Or how lovely for those of you who have a partner that will listen when you talk, will share with you when something is wrong, will work on things WITH you or care enough about you to work on themselves as a person and not expect you to do all the changing.  Not everyone in marriage is that lucky.  

Some people are in marriages with alcoholics or drug addicts, gambling addictions or worse, are being physically abused.  But.... BUUTTTT you say - "I don't mean them!"  You try to justify sharing your meme by saying "I didn't mean those who are in UNSAFE relationships, I just meant MOST marriages."  Well, then - where do you draw the line?  Cheating?  Verbal abuse?  Sexual abuse?  Controlling personalities?  Where?  What makes you the marriage expert and gives you the right to make someone reading your shared meme feel like a failure because they didn't "sit down and figure it out" or worse - because they did set boundaries (like when is that ever a bad thing?) for their own health and well being?   

Memes like the one above make my skin crawl, and it isn't just because of the complete lack of appropriate punctuation and ability to follow conventional grammar rules.  It is because of the condescending, shame creating spiral it causes in anyone who is unhappy in their marriage.  And what do people deserve?  TO BE HAPPY.  You want to know what's worse than divorce? Try living in an unhappy marriage for years and covering up that unhappiness with alcohol or spending or work because you can't stand your life.  You know what else is worse?  Having your kids growing up in an unhappy household and knowing that they are growing up thinking that this is what marriage and relationships look like.  Now that is scary.  

This second meme is ridiculous.  They were not born in a time when "if something was broken you fixed it."  Well, maybe if you're talking about the 1950 Ford Thunderbird, then yes.  But as far as marriage and relationships go, they were born in a time when physical abuse was allowed and overlooked.  When alcoholism wasn't a recognized disease.  When a woman stayed home and took care of the family, not matter what, and she was solely reliant on her husband for everything.  When she literally couldn't afford to leave her husband and was basically trapped in whatever relationship she had.    She had no say, no rights and no options.  My grandparents grew up in this time.  You know what advice I got from my grandfather on my wedding day?  He grabbed my arm, pulled me down to eye level with his wheelchair, looked me dead in the eye and said, "If he ever hits you, just remember, he will go to sleep eventually."  I've laughed often telling that story, but let's take a minute.  He wasn't kidding.  He dead thought that my only recourse to an abusive husband was to kill or beat him while he slept.  That is the kind of time he grew up in.

It took me 16 years to get out of my shame spiral and file for divorce because I didn't want to be the  person who gave up on my marriage.  My parents didn't raise a quitter.  I didn't want to "hurt my kids".  I thought all marriages were like mine.  Boy, was I ever wrong.  The best thing I ever did for my kids was GET DIVORCED.  My divorce taught my girls a lot of very important life lessons.  It taught them that...

*It's never too late to stand up for yourself and start over. Never be afraid of new beginnings.
*Sometimes change is really hard, really really hard, but so worth it in the end.
*Love isn't sarcasm, put downs, yelling and silent treatments.
*Love is hugs, helping each other, supporting each other and affection.
*Setting boundaries for how others treat you is okay - expect others to treat you with respect.
*You deserve the best and to be treated like your significant other feels lucky to have you.
*It is better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
*You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.
*Sometimes you can work really hard at something and still fail.
*You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped or doesn't see a problem with their actions.  (My ex used to tell me all the time that if I had a problem with his drinking then I was the one with a problem.)
*Trust your gut.

Divorce isn't anyone's desired end result.  But it is necessary for some people to survive, mentally and even physically sometimes.  There are a lot worse evils in this world than divorce.  We need to stop acting superior for having stuck it out in a bad marriage.  We need to stop shaming those who want better things for themselves and their kids.  Maybe instead, remind our friends and share often, that we are always there for them - no matter what life decisions they feel they need to make.  Here's my official notice.  I won't judge you if you choose marriage, or divorce or life partner or the single life.  Call me.  We should chat.

#gabbystrong

As many of my friends and family know, our local community lost a beloved member just a few days ago.  Little Gabby Brown had just celebrated her second birthday when she lost her fight to leukemia.  Today is the day that hundreds of people, whose life she touched, will gather to say their goodbyes and celebrate her beautiful life.  But today is not where #gabbystrong ends. 

Yesterday the #gabbystrong t-shirts that were ordered arrived.  As several people lamented that the shirts came too late, it struck me that #gabbystrong does not need to end because Gabby's fight is over.  #gabbystrong is no longer just about Gabby's fight against leukemia.  #gabbystrong has shown us that no matter your size or age, you can face anything with positivity, a smile, a giggle and love.  #gabbystrong taught us that we are not alone.  Our communities have rallied around the Brown family with overwhelming love and support.  Through the power of social media, that community has grown to include all of southeast Minnesota and beyond.  #gabbystrong taught us to hold our families close and that family is the most important part of our lives.  #gabbystrong has shown us the kindness of strangers and the good people in this world.  #gabbystrong has helped us see how strong we can all be when our strength is needed.  We all need to be #gabbystrong today and moving forward into our futures, not just for the Brown family, but for ourselves, our own loved ones and those whose lives we touch. 

Today will be an incredibly hard day, for Gabby was a light in this world.  Her smile and laughter were infections, contagious and we all fell in love with her through the posts her parents shared.  There aren't words to thank her parents enough for bringing her light into our lives, but there are actions.  It is important that we know that her light did not go out.  When we keep her alive in our hearts and live our lives keeping #gabbystrong at the forefront of our actions, Gabby's light shines.  Whether your religion allows you to believe she is an angel in heaven or if she is simply an angel in your heart, Gabby's light needs to stay with us.  Let Gabby's light shine through your kindness to others and to yourself.  Let Gabby's light be there to lift you up when you are struggling or get your own bad news that seems insurmountable.  Let Gabby's light be there when you want to give up and you need to remember that you can keep fighting.  Let Gabby's light be there when you need to be strong for others as Gabby's family, friends, and community were for Gabby.  #gabbystrong means you've got this and you keep fighting.  #gabbystrong means never giving in.  #gabbystrong isn't just about Gabby, it is about all of us. 

Keep Gabby's family in your thoughts and prayers, not just today but every day.  Part of their fight is just beginning.  And always, always remember, together, we've got this.

#gabbystrong

I am a Mare Person too. (Who knew?)

There is a viral blog post going around, being shared by most of my Facebook world.  (This may surprise you, but a lot of my Facebook friends are horse people.  Who knew?) It's a great phone written by Lindsay Paulsen, titled "I am a Mare Person".  Link to Lindsay's blog  I love every word she has written, as do many mare owners, because we can relate.  Like Lindsay, I was also skeptical of mares and always tried to steer away from them.  Like Lindsay, one great mare changed that for me.  However, unlike Lindsay, when I looked back over my past horses in reflection, I realized that most of my great/favorite horses were indeed MARES.  Turns out, I may have been a mare person all along and I just didn't know it.

I think part of the problem is the anti-mare people are pretty darn vocal about it.  In fact, if you have ever tried to sell a mare, you know how the story goes.  Someone posts and "in search of" ad and what do they say 90% of the time, "Geldings only please" or "No mares!"  People are afraid of mares.  There are a million memes going around about "resting mare face" and "nothing scarier than a chestnut mare".  Even mare people will admit that sometimes mares can have their moments where they say "no thanks".  But let's just talk about that for a minute.  Usually, okay maybe every single time, there is a very logical and legitimate reason for why a mare says "no thanks".  And usually, after I look back on those moments I realize how dang smart those mares truly are. Because let's face it, (hides a little as she says it), mares are smarter than geldings.  C'mon gelding people.  Admit it.  You have to show a gelding 3- 4 times and then, maybe, the slow 40 watt light bulb will flicker.  A mare, you show her once.  She says nah, you show her again and she says, "fine, if I do this will you leave me the hell alone and be HAPPY?"  Ta da - trained that mare.

In all seriousness though, I thought I was a gelding person.  I thought mares were bitchy and cranky and not very cuddly.  Who knows why I thought that?  I fell into social norms?  Because we literally had a LOT of very very nice mares, who were cuddly and loving and very good to our family.  Giggles, Gretchen,  Chic, Shadow (the second one) and Cutie just to name a few.  I bought Ellie on a whim because she was so reasonably priced and I knew the guy who owned her was as honest as the day was long.  And that mare was wicked trainable.  Like, "show her one time and she's got it" trainable.  And she was loving and cuddly too.  And quiet.  And because everyone always freaks out about the dreaded "heat cycle" and throws around the word "marish", no - she was not "marish" and you never knew she was even in heat.  So why not have two Ellies?  Libby found another "Ellie" in that the two were as closely related as we could find.  Voila! China came into our lives.  As Libby loves to tell people, China was supposed to be her horse.  But Libby was busy with Ace and Zippy and well, who didn't have a horse?  Me.  So I started working with China.  The rest as they say is history.

However, just because it is history, doesn't mean I'm not going to take the blog space here to write about the amazingness that is China.  Keep in mind that when I started working with China I was coming from having ridden four geldings in a row prior to her.  (Not counting the few rides I had gotten on Ellie before she got hurt).  Those four geldings all had one thing in common to a varying degree.  They LOVED their buddies.  Some worked through it better than others, but they all had some form of buddy sour going on.  A couple were really good at the whinnying through entire classes, while still loping or doing their thing.  They all had their good points too, and I loved those big dumb geldings, but dang was that frustrating.  They were also literally big, DUMB, geldings.  Lovable, cuddly, DUMB geldings.  They learned plenty and improved a lot - but boy did they take some convincing.

Enter China.   From the minute I started working with her I would tell people how wicked smart she was.  So smart that it was a little intimidating.  She would pick up on things immediately, good and bad things.  You always had to be thinking to be one step ahead of her.  It was a little frightening to say the least.  But also, great fun.  Starting her under saddle was easy peasy.  She's quiet, steady and smart.  She could give a rip less if her buddy is next to her or back at the barn.  She trusted her humans and we made great strides.  Starting her was so easy.

As she has grown and been put into more and more stressful situations, she has shocked us to no end and really strives to do the right thing.  Does she drive me out of my blooming mind sometimes?  Yep.  But will she almost immediately go back to resting her head in my lap, or putting her forehead against my chest to say she's sorry?  Yep.  Is she ever going to be a 10+ loper?  Nope.  Do I love that mare to the end of the earth and back.  Uhh... yep.  As Tim always tells me, every little thing that she does that drives me crazy is LITERALLY an exact quality that I have as a human. Social anxiety.  Check.  Crabbiness when overtired, hot, cold, wet, or things aren't exactly as we would prefer to have them?  Check.  Anxiety and nervousness when performing in front of a crowd?  Check.  Craves attention and need constant reassurance that they are loved?  Check. 

Looking back over all the horses we have owned over the years (and that has been a LOT), I came to the startling revelation that I'm a mare person.  Hands down, no doubt about it, heart firmly in the mare column and not going anywhere soon.  There's a long list of mares to thank for that, but it took China to finally make me realize it.  And for the record, I may have told China this startling revelation.   In response, she may have given me a side eye, deep sigh and a look that clearly reminded me that she already knew, always knew and thinks I'm a little slow on the uptake.  She isn't wrong. 

I'm a mare person.  Should we start a support group?  Who's with me?