But people who have been married for years, or worse -people who are newly married and don't have experience with what marriage really entails, love to share the heck out of memes/quotes like the following.
Aww, how lovely. How lovely for you that are all in the happy go lucky, I'm so in love with him, he's cute when he sucks up soup off his spoon, he can't do anything wrong stage. Or how lovely for those of you who have a partner that will listen when you talk, will share with you when something is wrong, will work on things WITH you or care enough about you to work on themselves as a person and not expect you to do all the changing. Not everyone in marriage is that lucky.
Some people are in marriages with alcoholics or drug addicts, gambling addictions or worse, are being physically abused. But.... BUUTTTT you say - "I don't mean them!" You try to justify sharing your meme by saying "I didn't mean those who are in UNSAFE relationships, I just meant MOST marriages." Well, then - where do you draw the line? Cheating? Verbal abuse? Sexual abuse? Controlling personalities? Where? What makes you the marriage expert and gives you the right to make someone reading your shared meme feel like a failure because they didn't "sit down and figure it out" or worse - because they did set boundaries (like when is that ever a bad thing?) for their own health and well being?
Memes like the one above make my skin crawl, and it isn't just because of the complete lack of appropriate punctuation and ability to follow conventional grammar rules. It is because of the condescending, shame creating spiral it causes in anyone who is unhappy in their marriage. And what do people deserve? TO BE HAPPY. You want to know what's worse than divorce? Try living in an unhappy marriage for years and covering up that unhappiness with alcohol or spending or work because you can't stand your life. You know what else is worse? Having your kids growing up in an unhappy household and knowing that they are growing up thinking that this is what marriage and relationships look like. Now that is scary.
This second meme is ridiculous. They were not born in a time when "if something was broken you fixed it." Well, maybe if you're talking about the 1950 Ford Thunderbird, then yes. But as far as marriage and relationships go, they were born in a time when physical abuse was allowed and overlooked. When alcoholism wasn't a recognized disease. When a woman stayed home and took care of the family, not matter what, and she was solely reliant on her husband for everything. When she literally couldn't afford to leave her husband and was basically trapped in whatever relationship she had. She had no say, no rights and no options. My grandparents grew up in this time. You know what advice I got from my grandfather on my wedding day? He grabbed my arm, pulled me down to eye level with his wheelchair, looked me dead in the eye and said, "If he ever hits you, just remember, he will go to sleep eventually." I've laughed often telling that story, but let's take a minute. He wasn't kidding. He dead thought that my only recourse to an abusive husband was to kill or beat him while he slept. That is the kind of time he grew up in.
It took me 16 years to get out of my shame spiral and file for divorce because I didn't want to be the person who gave up on my marriage. My parents didn't raise a quitter. I didn't want to "hurt my kids". I thought all marriages were like mine. Boy, was I ever wrong. The best thing I ever did for my kids was GET DIVORCED. My divorce taught my girls a lot of very important life lessons. It taught them that...
*It's never too late to stand up for yourself and start over. Never be afraid of new beginnings.
*Sometimes change is really hard, really really hard, but so worth it in the end.
*Love isn't sarcasm, put downs, yelling and silent treatments.
*Love is hugs, helping each other, supporting each other and affection.
*Setting boundaries for how others treat you is okay - expect others to treat you with respect.
*You deserve the best and to be treated like your significant other feels lucky to have you.
*It is better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
*You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.
*Sometimes you can work really hard at something and still fail.
*You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped or doesn't see a problem with their actions. (My ex used to tell me all the time that if I had a problem with his drinking then I was the one with a problem.)
*Trust your gut.
Divorce isn't anyone's desired end result. But it is necessary for some people to survive, mentally and even physically sometimes. There are a lot worse evils in this world than divorce. We need to stop acting superior for having stuck it out in a bad marriage. We need to stop shaming those who want better things for themselves and their kids. Maybe instead, remind our friends and share often, that we are always there for them - no matter what life decisions they feel they need to make. Here's my official notice. I won't judge you if you choose marriage, or divorce or life partner or the single life. Call me. We should chat.
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