I may have blogged about this before. I may blog on it again. I will not apologize for either because obviously it needs to be said and said again. In fact, I’m quite sure I probably handled the topic with kid gloves before but guess what? The gloves are coming off. Subtlety seems to be lost on some people so I’ll be blunt. And honest. And see if some of you out there in divorced land get it. And yes, sometimes I will be talking about my own experiences. Sometimes I will be talking about experiences I see my husband have. Sometimes it will be experiences my friends have gone through. And heck - sometimes it will be things my students have told me. Because that is how I’ve learned what I’ve learned. By observing kids. Lots and lots and lots of kids. So let’s get started.
#1: Your feelings don’t matter. I’m sorry. They don’t. Not when it is your feelings or your kids’ feelings. Yours come a distant second to your kids. Hell, maybe further back than second. And by your kids, I mean ALL your kids, including your stepkids. You do not get to vent or take your anger out on them. You do not get to complain to them. You do not get to put them in the middle. Because they are your KIDS. You know those little people that you helped make? They don’t have to deal with your shitty adult issues. Let them be kids.
#2: Therefore, shut up about the other parent. You can hope that your ex gets rolled in honey, covered in fire ants, pushed up the side of a mountain and dropped down a volcano, but you shut up about it. You put on your best Academy Award winning performance and FAKE IT. Yep, I just told you to be fake nice. I don’t care what that person has done to you in the past. I don’t care what that person is doing to you now. You fake it. You put on your big girl (or boy) panties and you fake it. You won’t win an acting award, but your kids will be better off and that’s better than any damn award. So fake it. Preferably with a smile on your face.
This means not talking badly about the other parent in front of the kids. This means saving that venting for a time when the kids can’t hear. This means not trying to “tell the truth” to the kid about their parent and saying everything they did to make your life miserable. And this definitely means not making up crap about the other parent to try to make them look bad. You know who ends up looking bad? You do. You look like an asshole. Do you want to look like an asshole in front of your kids? No? Then shut up. Because even if it starts out great and they think you’re right now, someday they will grow up and figure out that you’re a lying piece of crap. And then what?
This also means not finding great joy every time they complain about the other parent and encouraging it. This is really hard. So let’s be honest. You can actually find great joy in that they “love you more” (at least in that moment), but…. wait for it…..guess what… you have to FAKE like you don’t. Tell them that complaining to you doesn’t solve anything. Tell them that if they have a problem with the other parent they need to talk to them about it. Tell them that you support them and love them, but that you weren’t there so you don’t know the situation and can’t make a judgment on it. Tell them whatever you can think of that lets them know that they don’t have to hate the other parent in order to make you happy.
#3: Go to all their stuff. Yep, that means skipping your stuff. That means, not going out for your anniversary when they have a volleyball game or a choir concert. It means not thinking “thank goodness it’s his weekend so I don’t have to go to that game.” It also means skipping the trip to the lake, the ocean, the beach, the mall, the girls’ night out, the fishing trip, all of it. Oh blah blah, you have to do things for “yourself” and all that. Whatever. No. You need to be there for your kids. Trust me, divorce sucks enough as it is for the kids. They don’t need to be looking in the stands wondering who gives a rats ass about them and seeing that your fishing buddies are more important than they are. Okay, maybe I’ll let you off the hook once or twice. But that’s it. Put your kids first. It’s pretty simple. Your buddy calls and asks you to go to the lake. You check your kids’ schedule and they have a band concert. Do you think about it? No. You don’t. You say, “sorry, maybe next time.” See, not that hard.
#4: Be a parent. Like a good one. Not the one you may have been in the past, but a good parent. Read up on it. Try books or websites like “How to Raise Your Kid Not to be an Asshole”. (If that isn’t an actual book, it should be.) It’s called setting limits and having expectations. And, wow - brace yourself, backing up your ex when they have to set limits for your kids. That’s going to be tough now isn’t it? Too bad. When they come to you whining about how hard dad is on them because they have to clean their room, you can’t join in the bitchfest saying, “what an asshole!” Nope. You back that parent up, who is doing their job and doing it well, and say, “Good for Dad. And while you’re at it, go clean your room.” If you’re not a good parent, remember that faking it crap? Do that. Give your kid a chore. It won’t kill them.
#5: Make a schedule. Stick to it. Unless a hurricane is bearing down on you. Or you’re in the hospital. Or there is a zombie apocalypse. I’m reaching here, because reasons for changing the schedule are pretty slim. You don’t change the schedule to make life easier for you. You don’t change the schedule because you would rather go to the cabin than a JO volleyball tournament. You don’t change the schedule because “I’m a person too and need a vacation.” Bullshit. Kids need routine. And they need to know that they have a schedule they can rely on. That means sometimes you give up your stuff and your weekend to get them to their stuff. Don’t understand? See #3.
#6: Don’t try to buy their love. Kids love getting stuff, some kids more than others. And it sure gives a person that warm fuzzy when they are so excited about that new thing for 10 seconds and tell you that you’re the best parent ever. But then if you can’t back up that new stuff with actual, ya know, feelings, that new shirt loses its appeal pretty quickly. And pretty soon you’re not a parent, you’re just an ATM with a shitty attitude.
#7: Never put your kids in the middle of a custody battle. Never tell you kids you’re going for full custody. If your ex is endangering the kids by running a brothel or a gambling ring or is a drug dealer, by all means; go for full custody. But your kids don’t need to know your legal woes and they sure as crap don’t need to be told they aren’t ever going to see their other parent again. So shut up about it.
If you’re just going for full custody, or threatening full custody, because you’re a vindictive, manipulative piece of crap, then just stop. Get over yourself. Get over your ex and grow up. You won’t get it. You’ll waste your money and your ex’s AND for bonus, you’ll cause your kids a lot of stress, worry and emotional pain. So good job! Way to be a piece of crap. And someday when they are older and they realize that you lied, manipulated and caused them to not have a relationship with the other parent, guess who looks like an ass? Again. Adults are far less forgiving than kids are. Good luck with that.
#8: This is not elementary school. Your friends don’t have to pick sides. Your family doesn’t have to pick sides. Stop expecting them to. This isn’t the good old playground days where you could tell your friends, “If you’re friends with them, you can’t be friends with me and you’re not invited to my birthday party.” You know what I say to that as an adult? Good! I wouldn’t go to the birthday party of or be friends with a selfish piece of crap like you anyway. Your kids don’t need to see you acting like a 7 year old. Guess what? You’re an adult. You and your ex can have mutual friends. It’s entirely possible. If Ross and Rachel could get over it on Friends, you can too. And you should. If you’re a decent human being that is. Your ex and his/her family are still your kids’ family. And they should get to see them without feeling guilty or worrying about making you feel bad. Tuck your “wittle feewings” aside and grow the hell up. See #1 and #2 for further information.
#9: When you screw up (notice I didn’t say if), WHEN you screw up, apologize. But not that fake apology shit where you just keep doing the same stupid stuff over and over again. Actually apologize and really TRY to change your behavior. Like try harder than you have ever tried at anything before in your whole life. Remember that your kids are the most important thing in the whole wide world and that is all that matters. Every. Single. Time.
#10: Don’t use your kids to get back at your ex. You hate your ex. We get it. That’s why they are your EX. And sure, the only way to get back at someone who could give a rip less if you fall off the earth is to attack the one thing they have that they truly care about in this world. But they are your kids too and putting the kids in the middle of your hatred hurts them way more than your ex. Think about that the next time you tell your kids that they should be snotty to their mom, or letting them skip going to see their dad because he has rules, or telling your kid they have to choose between being with you or being with them. Kids deserve a chance to grow up without that crap in their lives. They didn’t choose divorce. You did.
#11: The last one seems like such common sense you would think I wouldn't have to say it. But I should have learned by now that what is obvious to some isn't obvious to all. Keep your relationship with your ex off social media. All of it. Every bit. Don't complain about your ex. Don't complain about your ex's new significant other. Don't share what he or she did. Save those conversations for your gaggle of girls and best friends over a glass of wine or a text. Your dirty laundry doesn't belong on social media. And you know who looks like an ass again when it shows up there? You may be catching on if you say, you. Again. If you're thinking to yourself "I should put that on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter", channel your inner Fat Amy and reply "hmmmm... better not."
Lastly, if you’re having trouble with any or all of the above list, I’ll make it super simple for you. Kids come first. Before anything else. Kids. Before you. Before your spouse. Before your job. Kids. Way up there at the top of the list. It’s really that easy. Don’t screw it up. You only get one shot at this parenting thing. There are no “do-overs”. This is it. You helped bring little human beings into this world and with that comes a huge responsibility. If you can’t handle that, get out of the way for those that can.
#11: The last one seems like such common sense you would think I wouldn't have to say it. But I should have learned by now that what is obvious to some isn't obvious to all. Keep your relationship with your ex off social media. All of it. Every bit. Don't complain about your ex. Don't complain about your ex's new significant other. Don't share what he or she did. Save those conversations for your gaggle of girls and best friends over a glass of wine or a text. Your dirty laundry doesn't belong on social media. And you know who looks like an ass again when it shows up there? You may be catching on if you say, you. Again. If you're thinking to yourself "I should put that on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter", channel your inner Fat Amy and reply "hmmmm... better not."
Lastly, if you’re having trouble with any or all of the above list, I’ll make it super simple for you. Kids come first. Before anything else. Kids. Before you. Before your spouse. Before your job. Kids. Way up there at the top of the list. It’s really that easy. Don’t screw it up. You only get one shot at this parenting thing. There are no “do-overs”. This is it. You helped bring little human beings into this world and with that comes a huge responsibility. If you can’t handle that, get out of the way for those that can.
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