The topic of kill pens floats around in almost every discussion amongst horse people these days. A lot of times it stems from the slightly controversial Ryon’s Rescue Pen out of Ryon Simon’s sales barn in Minnesota. But he’s not the only one. There are kill pens all across the country. And loads of them use the “buy now or it dies” plea to get extra bucks for horses, ponies or donkeys that come through their pen. And time after time I hear, “why did that good horse end up in a kill pen?” There are a lot of reasons equines end up in a kill pen, most of them go back to some kind of owner along the way that dropped the ball. Sometimes they are just a horse with a few screws loose that aren’t safe or trainable. But time and time again it usually falls back to a hard luck story, hard luck for the horse that is.
So I thought I’d create what I call the Kill Pen Starter Kit. Here’s how to make sure that your horse, pony or other equine ends up in a kill pen some day. If you want to be absolutely sure, make sure you check off as many items on the list as possible.
The first step is typically before the foal is born, when it is just a thought someone has about breeding. To ensure that you have the first step down, don’t plan the breeding at all. Don’t think about what qualities, not only you, but the general horse market, is looking for in a horse. Feel free to breed that witchy rank mare because she’s too big of a bitch to ride, I’m sure she will make a good broodmare. And conformation faults like crooked legs, thick necks, sway back, downhill, sickle or cow hock, big head; don’t worry about those! The foal will be cute! Bonus if all you care about is that you have a CHANCE at a cool color. Because, that is what is important. If it comes out a solid sorrel stud colt, you’ll worry about that later. Oh and make sure it is grade. “You can’t ride papers” after all. Kill pens love grade horses.
While on the subject of grade horses, if you buy your kill pen wannabe later in their life and it is registered, make sure you “lose” the papers. Afterall, it’s super hard to have a folder or binder or even a safe where you can keep track of that kind of stuff. I mean, it isn’t like it is a record of your horse’s lineage, pedigree, previous owners, etc… it’s just a piece of paper. And papers are sure to make your horse more valuable. Can’t be having that. If you want them to have a fast track to the kill pen, you gotta get rid of those buggers.
If you have created a conformational trainwreck grade baby, there are additional steps you need to take to ensure he or she ends up in the kill pen. Make sure that you do nothing with the baby, for years if possible. But if you feel like you must play with the baby, make sure you teach it to come after you for treats and push you around. Bonus points if you can teach it to rear on you as a baby because that trick is “so cute”. Training should be limited to mauling its owners, preferably nipping and biting, and generally being in any human being’s space. Make sure it isn’t afraid to turn its butt or pin its ears if it doesn’t get what it wants. That’s really cute too.
As your baby gets older, make sure you don’t ride it or teach it any sort of usable discipline. Driving, riding, trail, showmanship, none of that, having a skill will make it more desirable. You want to make sure you go on and on about how you’re waiting until your little buddy is mature enough to handle training or even just tell folks that “time got away from you”. Or my personal favorite; “too many projects”. No one needs to know you bred all those projects without realizing you would actually have to train them to do anything. That’s on a need to know basis.
If you want your horse to end up in a kill pen, make sure it looks as crappy as possible. Either make sure you don’t feed it adequately enough or on the flip side, obese horses make great kill pen horses too. Make sure it’s feet never get trimmed. Let those suckers grow and grow, hoping all the while they will crack and chip. Maybe even make the horse lame. That’s a sure fire way to get them in the kill pen, almost never fails. Find a pasture full of burrdocks and let your horse out in there for a while, it doesn’t seem to take long for them to be completely full from forelock to tip of the tail. And while you’re at it, put some crappy fencing up and maybe a few pieces of loose rusty implements for them to get cut up on. That helps them find their way to the kill pen too. Untreated wounds are perfect for that. I mean who wants to spend money on Underwoods, Vetericyn, antibotics or any other wound spray/coat/lotion.
If you’re not comfortable selling a horse at auction, but want to make sure they have a direct line to the kill pen, price them super low. Trade them for something cheap, like a saddle or halter or something. And make sure you sell to the first person with a couple hundred bucks in their pocket. Bonus points if you never even meet the people. Just tell them where you keep the horse and have them mail you a check. Those people are usually a sure bet to be kill buyers or close friends of kill buyers. Then you can tell everyone you sold your horse or pony to a “nice family” and no one will be the wiser. And you can even pretend to yourself that you did the right thing!
I’m sure there are a few steps I may have missed, but this should be a good enough list to get you started. Just remember; grade, untrained, crappy condition and cheap and you’ll be well on your way through the Kill Pen Starter Kit.
No comments:
Post a Comment