It got me laughing and thinking about writing that parenting book. What would I have chapters about? Let's start with chapter one.
Chapter one: Bringing Your Baby Home
In this chapter I would discuss the joy (and overwhelming crushing fear) of bringing that newborn home. I would discuss how there are a million right ways to do things, but the internet, your mother, your mother-in-law and even the general public will try to convince you that if you aren't doing it a certain way you are doing it wrong. If you have clothes on your baby, you're smothering them. If you don't have clothes on them, you're freezing them. If you don't breastfeed you must descend to the depths of Hell and have your baby ripped from your cruel, neglectful arms. But yet, somehow, millions of babies survive their parents best attempt to freeze, starve and damage their children every single day. Both of mine survived, yours will too.
This chapter will also discuss how a person's scale of what is "gross" definitely takes a slide to the left. I remember thinking that the little ones with their hair all a mess and snot on their faces must have parents who didn't care or had given up. Well, choice B might be close to the truth because they can literally look like that 2 minutes after you wipe their nose and brush their hair. They also puke, have explosive diarrhea that manages to get everywhere, wipe everything on them or in their hair and stick everything in their mouth. EVERYthing. You spend the first year smelling like baby vomit and the rest of your life like perseverance and insanity.
Chapter two: You're An Asshole
From the moment your tiny little baby starts walking and talking, you will become an asshole. And, I'm finding this out, you will remain an asshole into your child's adulthood. You will ride this roller coaster of emotion from laughing hysterically at the things that fly out of your little angel's mouth to crushing frustration when you get screamed at for being the mean parent who won't let them put forks into outlets or go on dates with boys who may or may not be drug dealers to overwhelming pride when they accomplish any feat for the first time. There is nothing like a child's ability to go from sweet and innocent one second to a raging beast 10 seconds later. I can literally piss off any one of my kids just by asking them to brush their teeth or take out the dog. It really is quite simple. You want to see pure hysteria? Threaten to take their phone. You go from being just an asshole parent to the biggest meanie (or bitch depending on the child's age) that ever walked the planet. And rest assured, you, yes you, are the ONLY mean parent and the MEANEST mean parent. None of your child's friends' parents are even half as mean as you. If you want hours of entertainment, search "asshole parent meme". Here, I'll get you started. There's a website: http://www.assholeparents.com/
Chapter three: You Have No Secrets
Toddlers also have an uncanny way of keeping it real and keeping you honest. You will never be able to tell a little white lie again because your toddler, yes your little angel, will remind any who will listen that yes, you were speeding, no, you didn't think her haircut was nice and mommy drinks a lot of wine. This does not get better as they age. As many of you know, I teach middle school. My favorite stories from students always start out with "My parents wouldn't want me to tell you this but..." or "My mom would be so mad if she knew I told you..." As they age, the children just tell you that they are talking about you. My teenager loves to start conversations with, "my friends and I were talking about you and we decided...." This is usually followed with something about how you are the most strict, meanest, mom of the whole group. For fun, they are now old enough to post on social media all your embarrassing photos, videos and their complaints about you. You have no secrets.
Chapter four: Nobody Listens the First Time (or the second)
You heard me, right. Let me repeat myself, because being a mother (and a teacher), I'm a pro at repeating myself. No one is listening to you. None of the children will listen to you. They will not listen to you until you've repeated yourself 3 times, turned red in the face, thrown something and started screaming. At which point someone will likely say, "I heard you the first time! Why do you have to freak out about it?" Or the newest, hippest way of saying that is apparently, "Why do you have to get so triggered?" You will literally turn into a crazy person who begins to wonder about their sanity. You will be told, "you never said that" so many times, you begin to wonder if it is entirely possible if you made up complete conversations in your head. You will feel like you're living in an alternate reality where you are talking and no one, no one can hear you. Like maybe you're a ghost or transparent. And eventually, you'll just start doing things yourself and then you will hate yourself for being a quitter.
Chapter five: Lying Gets Easier
Of course we value honesty. However..... HOWEVER.... sometimes telling those lies to your children becomes easier. "Honestly honey, there are no onions in the hotdish" or "I'll think about letting you have a friend over." Maybe they aren't lies, but the little ways we do what's right for our kids and keep our sanity. Or maybe, maybe they are simply what we do to make our lives easier. Whatever the case, it's amazing how quickly you lose any and all guilt over lying to your kids. Never lie about the big stuff, but whether or not they were really out of ice cream at the store, totally okay.
Chapter six: You Will Never Have Privacy Again
It starts off slow. You have to bring the baby with you everywhere because they are never actually sleeping when you need to do those things you used to view as private matters. So you'll put the baby in the car seat and set it by the shower. Need to, um... do a number two, you get used to doing that with little eyes watching you. And that doesn't get better. Pretty soon your kids are busting into the bathroom when you're trying to use it or knocking on the locked door, "are you in there, are you done, how long before you done, when will you be done, how's it going..." There are all these memes about parents hiding in the bathroom and eating a candy bar. Who are these people? Are their bathrooms really sacred? Because mine isn't. Or as they bursting into your bedroom as you're changing. Or my favorite, invading my space when I'm not home. You know how I know they do this? When I see my things on their persons. Usually when they post a selfie on social media and I recognize my stuff. And they are never sorry. They say they are sorry, but they aren't.
Chapter seven: No One Can Find Anything
Be prepared to be in charge of everyone's stuff, forever. Even stuff you never use, never touch and truly don't even know what it looks like. It becomes your responsibility once it hits your car or home. You will be in charge of knowing where it is and if you don't know where it is, it will be your job to find it. Oh don't worry, you'll be given plenty of notice for when they need it. Usually at least 2 to 3 minutes before you need to be at a meeting, performance, game or other event is when said item will go missing and you will hear the cry of "Mom!!!! Where's my ___________! I swear I left it RIGHT HERE!" For some reason kids are always convinced someone has stolen their stuff. Sorry, but no one else in the house stole your size XS black spandex shorts, or your bra, or your softball cleats. If it's any consolation, it is very likely in the first place you will look. Either in plain sight, or just shift that item right there over 2 inches to the left and "Voila!"
Chapter eight: You Will Never Sleep Again
Starting from the second the little angels come home from the hospital and ending, well pretty much never, you never sleep decent again. You go from getting up for nightly feedings and diaper changing almost directly to sleeping with one eye open listening for them to get home, go out, throw up or otherwise ruin your sleep. There may be nights where you do manage to fall asleep and sleep like the dead. Those mornings are usually followed by an early morning panic attack of wondering what you slept through, what may have happened when you weren't looking and what does your house still look like.
This being Mother's Day, it seems like an appropriate time to share. Perhaps I will be adding more chapters to my book as they come to me. For now, here's a start! Suggestions welcome!
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