It's fairly straight to the point and self explanatory. Personally I stayed in a bad marriage because it was less terrifying than starting over and being alone. There were other reasons of course; for the kids, because a person "shouldn't" get divorced, because I had made my bed and now I should lie in it, etc... But the biggest and most terrifying was being alone, facing world without someone to talk to or turn to. Even if that person wasn't exactly helpful or comforting, I was convinced that something was better than nothing. When I made the decision to divorce one of my thoughts was definitely, I hope I find someone new soon. I promptly made a list of what I hoped to find in my next relationship and the things I thought were nonnegotiable.
But I did negotiate, I did concede, I was convinced that my list was impossible. Unfortunately. And once again I wasn't alone. But the difference with this second relationship was that by the end of it, with the help of my therapist, I learned that being alone was WAY better than being in a toxic relationship. I learned that I could be alone and not only could I, I might actually LOVE it. I learned that there is something worse than being alone, it is settling for someone that makes you feel alone and like you aren't worthy of being loved. So I looked back over my list and instead of removing things that were unachievable, I added a few requirements to the list. I decided that I was worth it and I was terrified that I would be willing to settle again. So I decided I wouldn't be in a relationship again. I would just meet people, have fun, date and wait for that elusive Prince Charming who met ALL of my requirements. Of course, those of you faithful followers know, Tim came along and I'm thankful to say that I was able to check off my list of 18 things I wouldn't compromise on and surpassed them. Which didn't stop me from still being terrified and telling him no the first time he asked if I was willing to date exclusively. Thankfully he was patient and persistent and I pushed past my fear.
Thinking about this life lesson I learned from living with a narcissist or two, had me reflecting (probably again, so skip on by if you're bored with redundancy) on other life lessons I learned from them.
1. I am worth loving the way I am. I do not need to change for anyone. I should always continue to make myself a better person for me, not change for someone else.
2. Therapy isn't just for crazy people. Therapy isn't a scam. Therapy works and it works so slowly that sometimes you don't even realize it is working.
3. My anxiety is mine to own and mine to control. I learned about breathing practices and mindfulness and meditation.
4. Cheating is not okay. It is not okay to make the person you should be loyal to feel like they are scum that not worthy of just being yours. It is not okay to make someone feel like it is their fault and that they weren't good enough for you.
5. We shouldn't judge others. No one knows what each of us is dealing with behind the closed doors of our home.
6. Loving makes you vulnerable. Vulnerable to a lot of pain. But it also brings with it the most amazing of rewards.
7. You can't be good for anyone else until you are good to yourself. This is a many folded statement, but basically, until you are happy with you and take care of you, you are not much good to anyone else. You will only be able to give half of your best, half of who you are and just wear yourself down further in the process.
8. I probably knew this one before, but I had it cemented in my brain after my time with a narcissist, words can hurt worse or as equally bad as any physical blow. And words literally stick with you forever. I can recall every snide, passive aggressive and outright hurtful thing said to me. I can recall where I was, what happened before and after, and who was around. Choose your words carefully.
9. WAIT to send that text, email or message. At least a hour or two but preferably a day. Words said in anger or from a hurt are seldom wise. Wait. I can't tell you the dozens, maybe hundreds of messages I've typed and deleted over the past few years.
10. Life can't break me (and it can't break you either). You think it will. But it doesn't. You think it can't get or feel any worse, but it does and it still doesn't break you.
There are loads more things I"m sure I could reflect on and share, but 10 seems like a good number for today. Reflecting on the positive sides of a bad situation is a great way to heal and move forward.
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