The dad he didn't have to be

As I sat and watched Tim immersing himself in the volleyball tournament a couple of weekends ago, I couldn't have been more proud of my husband and happier for my girls and I.  There have to be a hundred times a week that I think to myself about how lucky I am that he stumbled into our lives and stayed.  This post is dedicated to the dad he didn't have to be (but I'm so very thankful he is).  Many of you have probably heard the country song with that very title.  If not, let me share the lyrics. 

He Didn't Have To Be
Brad Paisley

When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new
It always winds up feeling more like a job interview
My mama used to wonder if she'd ever meet someone
Who wouldn't find out about me and then turn around and run

I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and I prayed that she'd say yes

And then all of a sudden ah it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something's missing to a family
Lookin' back all I can say about all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be

I met the girl who's now my wife about three years ago
We had the perfect marriage but we wanted somethin' more
Now here I stand surrounded by our family and friends
Crowded 'round the nursery window as they bring the baby in

And then all of a sudden ah it seemed so strange to me
How we had gone from something's missing to a family
Lookin' through the glass I think about the man that's standing next to me
And I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be

Lookin' back all I can say about all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be

I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be
'Cause he didn't have to be 
You know he didn't have to be

Being a stepdad (or stepmom) is a tough job.  Especially when you have kids of your own.  It is incredibly hard to love your stepchildren as your own and still have your own children know that you love them just the same.  I imagine that is even harder when your kids are older.  This has not been an easy road for Tim, but one thing never wavered in this journey, his love for his kids and mine.  He is always, always worrying about how his behavior affects the kiddos and he is always putting them first.   It hasn't always worked out that way in the eyes of the kids, but I've seen the turmoil and struggle that he goes through to make everyone feel loved.

My girls have not always had the best father figures in their lives and it was something that tore me up inside.  There is nothing that makes a mom feel more like a failure, then watching an adult (parent figure) in your kids' lives set a bad example for them.  I drove myself crazy trying to hide others' behavior or actions in order to protect my kids as much as possible.   But if there is something I take great relief and joy in now, it is the example that Tim sets for my girls as a man, a Christian, a father and a husband.  He has taught them so much about so many things.  But more than that, he has taught them what it is like to be loved unconditionally for who they are and what they love.  I cannot count the number of times I have heard him say to them, "We will love you no matter what."  Can that ever be said enough to a child?  They have learned it is okay to not do the things that we love, but the activities that they love instead.  Tim has shown them that a parent will support you at every volleyball/softball/basketball game, horse show, track meet, concert, awards banquet, you name it - even if they had something else they would rather be doing.  I mean, who doesn't live and breathe volleyball? (For 16 hours a weekend sometimes...)

Tim has shown them that a parent, even one not related by DNA, can have expectations for you; like chores and attitude.  And when you don't meet those expectations, there will be consequences.  But reasonable consequences, like losing your phone or being grounded.  Not being attacked, screamed at, ridiculed, made fun of, snide comments, or name calling.  A simple this for that and the words, "I love you, but because of your behavior...."  It is amazing to have a partner in raising my girls to be responsible and respectful adults.  There were so many years I felt like I was a ship alone on the ocean, and most of the time we had hit an iceberg and were going down fast.  Now I have a fleet of ships, or like a co pilot or... I'm not sure where this analogy is going any more, but I do know I'm not trying to be a single parent.  That is a huge relief and a pretty cool feeling.  It does take some getting used to.  I still struggle to ask or include him in decisions.  I've had, oh roughly, 16 years of being the person who made the decisions and dealt with what came up.  I'm not used to having the sounding board and support, but I'm thankful for it.

Tim has shown them what it means to be a Christian.  Yes, a big part of that is attending worship every single week, but there is so much more than that.  Tim is kind to others and would do anything for anyone who asks.  He is forgiving and gentle, doesn't judge others.  He reminds the kids that there is always more to the story, listen to others, keep your heart and your mind open and be willing to talk about your differences.  He is the most patient and steadfast rock in any storm and his faith never wavers.  For years I didn't set a strong enough example of teaching my girls about the Bible, the message, and the story.  Since Tim has come into their lives, we attend church together, Sophie voluntarily started religion classes and Libby has met with a group of teens to discuss their beliefs and how they shape their lives.  I'm proud of my girls and ever thankful to my husband.

Tim is not afraid to show his love for me.  I know that sometimes we drive Sophie (and maybe Libby but she isn't as vocal) crazy with how affectionate we are.  We hear a lot of "could you not" and "gross".  But I love that Tim isn't afraid to be affectionate.  Our kids have no doubts about the fact that we love each other.  My girls are learning what it means to be in a loving relationship.  And not just love, but respect and sharing responsibilities.  I love that my girls see Tim at the dishwasher, folding clothes and pushing around the vacuum.  Tim sets an example for the kind of man I dream about for both of my girls.  In fact, as Libby is dating now, she will often compare the guys she meets or likes to Tim and hold him up as the example they have to meet.  I love hearing her say, "Mom, he's like Tim because he...."  It's how she knows she can calm down her worried and anxious momma.

Above all else, Tim is their dad.  He filled a big old void in their lives that seemed too vast for any one person to fill.  Like he did for me, he smoothed over the cracks and filled that void with all the love he has to give.  I've seen more than once when my girls have been sad, scared or worried that he is there.  He always has a hug to give, words of advice or sometimes just words of comfort.  This past summer when my little girl's heart was breaking into a hundred little pieces, Tim left work early to meet us at home and start taping that heart back together.  I cried more tears, but they were tears of joy as I watched him hold her and help her to realize that we will always be there and we will always love her. 

There aren't enough words, or I can't seem to find the right ones, to explain how much Tim has meant to my girls and I.  Being a mom is tough work, but being a mom when I have Tim by my side makes it a lot easier.  Thank you honey for always being the dad that you didn't have to be.