Don't wanna be a "try hard"

Parents with teenage kids, have you heard this one?  It's got a new name but the same shitty attitude.  In my day I got called a lot of things.  Nerd.  Bookworm.  Geek.  Oh and my all time favorite "Curve wrecker".  (Remember when teachers used to grade on the "curve" and 100% was whatever the highest grade in the class was.  Yeah, imagine being the kid who set that top end of the curve at zero wrong.  I was not well liked.)  Apparently now kids like I was are called "try hards".  Seriously?  Why does this continue to be a thing? Why do we continue to make fun of and demean the kids who are successful?  When will being the smart kid in class finally be the "cool" thing to do? 

I've struggled against this as a student.  A parent.  A teacher.  This mentality goes against every fiber of my being.  I wish I could wrap my brain around this train of thought.  I've tried.  I really really have.  But I still don't get it, and after this many years, I'm afraid I never will.  I was raised that if something was worth doing, it was worth doing right.  I was raised to do your best at every single thing you set out to do.  There was no such thing as "good enough".  It was "good enough" when it was done correctly.  And if possible, done even better than expected of you.  So yeah, I tried hard and I still do.  I'm a "try hard" I guess.

How do we combat this attitude in our own kids?  How do we convince them that they shouldn't fall into the trap of it being uncool to be a good student or successful in any of the arts?  Apparently the only thing it is okay to be a "try hard" in would be the sports arena and almost not then.  You're supposed to make it look like you're just naturally gifted, not that you actually practiced or "tried hard" to be great at your sport.   How do we get that attitude to shift towards academics and the arts?  Thankfully there are enough kids that have the will and strength of character to do their best no matter what their classmates call them, but how amazing would it be if we could change this attitude amongst all of our young people?  Not just a few of them, but all of them.

I know it starts at home.  I know it starts with teaching our kids to do their best, that school is important and that they need to stand up for what they believe in.  But you remember your teenage years right?  Peer pressure is like a sucking void that no matter how much you crawl and scratch and try to pry yourself out of, it seems to whip your feet out and pull you under.  Is there a way to change a class culture or a school culture?  I'm trying.

Last weekend we were discussing this around the table at a wedding I attended.  One of the guests was the parent of a student I had had in class a few years ago.  She said that her daughter still remembers the time when her classmates were teasing her for going above and beyond on her project.  Apparently I told her classmates that overachievers are people who succeed and they better treat her nicer because someday she would be the boss (or running the country).  While I hope I said it nicely, it does sound like something I would say.

I'm also trying with my current class of sixth graders.  Growth Mindset.  If you haven't heard the new buzz phrase, growth mindset is what successful people have.  It is the ability to make mistakes and learn from them, not quit.  It is looking at a challenge with excitement.  It is knowing that the things that aren't easy are the biggest opportunities to grow and better ourselves.  This is something that I am pushing all of my current sixth graders to embrace and I will continue to keep nagging (I mean sharing) with my own children.  Life is going to be hard.  Embrace the difficulties and learn from them. 

Anyone can google growth mindset and find a ton of resources.  I found an amazing growth mindset journal that we are doing as a sixth grade class.  I also downloaded and printed one for Sophie and I to work on which is an older student version.  There is a journal you can order and subscribe to called Big Life Journal.  They have great resources.  And I'll just leave this little graphic here too. 

It's a lot of retraining the brain and that's all we can do.  Keep doing our best and working to be our best.  That's what we need to model for our kids and share with them I guess.  Sometimes it feels a bit like swimming against the current, but if I'm going to have a growth mindset about challenges, I guess I need to stop saying "it's too hard" and just keep working on doing the best job I can.  So folks - I may not have figured out how to teach my kid to stop saying she doesn't want to be a try hard.... YET.

You are loved

This morning, while scrolling through Facebook, I saw that a friend had shared this image.  And it kicked me in the "feels" as they say.  At first I started typing out a lengthly status update and then I remembered I have a blog for a reason.  And for sure this image is blog worthy.

For anyone who has suffered through anxiety and it's best friend and co-conspirator, depression, you know how important the words "you are loved" can be.  People seem to always be surprised when someone takes their own life.  Often we hear exclamations of how happy that person seemed to be and how you would never know they were depressed.  What you don't understand is that people who are depressed are often people who love deeply and are the kind of people who would never dream of bothering their loved ones with their silly feelings.  The other thing we need to realize is that there is, without a doubt, a stigma against people with depression.  Raise your hand if you have said or heard any of the following:

1.  What do you have to be depressed about, your life isn't that bad?

2.  Some people have it way worse than you do.

3.  Just get some fresh air and exercise, you'll feel better.

4.  Just stop thinking about it.

5.  You need to think more positively.

6.  It's all in your head. 

While well meaning and kind, those words do little to help someone with depression.  What that person hears is "you shouldn't be depressed, it's your fault".  We need to STOP saying those things and making people afraid to talk about their depression for fear they are going to be shamed, made fun or belittled.  Stop acting like anyone or everyone you meet can't ACTUALLY be depressed.  You are not in their head.  You are not living their life.  You do not know how they feel. 

I'm going to step up and do my part.  I'm going to be brave enough to talk about my depression.  And I'm going to keep sharing until all my friends and family know that it is okay to talk to me about being depressed and being depressed isn't something to hide or keep to yourself.

The other thing I hear people say when they lose someone to suicide is that they can't believe that their loved one would do this to them.  Trust me.  Your loved one wasn't doing this TO you.  They thought they were doing it FOR you.  I've been there.  I remember thinking that I was just messing everything up and messing everything up FOR everyone.  I remember thinking that everyone would be better off without me.  Except the two people who mattered the most to me.  Those two people, my beautiful girls, needed me in their lives.  I knew where they would end up if something happened to me and I knew how much that would have crushed them.  So they kept me going.  Being there for them, even though I was pretty sure I was screwing up the whole mom gig most of the time and quite epically, was what kept me from even thinking of anything more drastic.  That and a couple of very good best friends who listened and told me they needed me and often.  Many times people who have reached that point of depression don't see that someone needs them and believe that their loved ones will be better off without them around dragging them down.  They don't want to talk about their depression and "bum everyone out".  They just keep on pretending that everything is fine until it isn't and they can't keep pretending any more.  

I'm glad to say I don't feel that way any more. I haven't felt that way for what feels like a long time.   I can look back to a conversation with my therapist where he drew a line on a piece of paper and said, "how long have you been sad according to this line?"  I drew a mark about halfway on the line.  He said, "so if you're 30 something, you've been sad for half your life?"  I responded that no, it had only been the last few years that I could truly say I was sad a lot of the time.  Anxiety yes - probably most of my life.  Sad was fairly recent.  He drew the line out much further on the paper.  And then he drew another line close to the line I had drawn.  His words.... "Melissa.  You're already getting better.  I hear it every time we talk.  This time of your life, this sad time, is going to be a blip on your timeline.  A blip you will be able to talk about, but eventually you will barely remember."  That blip is already fading into my past and becoming part of my history.  My goal is to continue to make depression part of my history and never my future again.  

I have the most amazing husband who reminds me every day that I am loved.  (Usually several times a day, but who's counting? 🤷🏼‍♀️)  I have a daughter that tells me every day she loves me, even when she's mad at me.  I have a dad that hugs me like I'm going to disappear and the best friends a girl could ever ask for.   Every single day I know that I am loved and that it is going to be okay.  If I ever forget that, Tim reminds me.  So I'm going to keep reminding all of you.  You are loved.  It will be okay. 

Career bashing

In the span of a few hours I got to see both of my current sources of employment bashed on social media.  The first started when I dared click on the link to the new Time cover that has been shared on Facebook (including by me).  There are literally thousands of comments so obviously I did not read them all.  But some of the ones I did read started my day off in the dumps.  You could say, "just ignore them - they are just some crazy folks."  Here's the truth, it isn't just one or two comments and this isn't the first time I've heard it.  But the truth is we teachers here these same comments ALL the time. 

Here are the covers:

You're probably guessing some of the comments.  But the truth is there is very little accuracy or an argument for every "reason" given.  However, I've learned that arguing on the internet is even less successful than bashing your head against a wall until it bleeds.

1.  Teachers get paid summers off.
No we do not.  We get PAID to work for 9 months and choose to spread that salary over 12 months.

2.  Teachers know that they don't get paid much.  If they wanted a higher paying job then they should have gone to school for something else.    See this comment:  Excuse me. Did teaching pay well and then all of a sudden it didn't? Teachers have had a monopoly on "woe is me". You knew going into it that it paid a certain wage and that is a choice you made. I hear no other average paying or average earning worker complain. To me, get over it. Get over yourself and your protected job. I may or may not make a fortune, but I have the same freedom of choice of profession as teachers. Want more money, then do something different. If you love what you do, great. Now just shut up about your earnings.

3.  It's a "part time" job.
I can't think of any teacher I know that works "part time".  Most, if not all, put in time above and beyond a 40 hour a week, 9 months a year paycheck.

I could go on, but the comments about teaching really kicked my day off to a dismal beginning.  The only bright side were the few sticking up for teachers  and the few teachers that bothered to try to explain to the ignorant masses how wrong they were.  Just the fact that so many people were able to read the article and write comments should have made them more appreciative of the sacrifice that teachers put in every single day.  As one teacher commented, "Some of us knew we wouldn't be paid well and didn't go into the profession looking to be rich.  What we would like is respect."

But if that wasn't bad enough, when I settled at my desk for my lunch break I stumbled across a news story about restaurant workers in St Paul wanting to be paid $15 an hour.   While I agree $15 is a bit steep and I understand how that affects the restaurants and small business owners trying to make wages, I do understand the frustration of a server as well.  I've been serving for around 28 years with a few year hiatus when my kids were tiny.  I've been stiffed (aka no tip) many times in that period.  There is a lot that people don't understand about being a server and don't seem to want to understand.  If I didn't know that before.  I get it now.  Consider some of these comments on the post from Fox 9 about workers wanting to see a pay increase:

How many tables can a waiter/waitress turn in an hour in a decent restaurant, 4-5? So they want $15 per hour, PLUS maybe $5 per table per hour. Hmmmmm, my math tells me that's approx $35-$40 per hour. So they want almost as much as a tradesman or other SKILLED / TRAINED worker?????? I'm sorry you bring food & drink to a table, wipe the table off, smile, make small take, & take our order. Zero, nada, zip, no skill or training at all involved. Go ahead take ur $15 per hour. IF I happen to go out to eat, there will be no tip left on my table, I don't give a crap how good your service was!!!!!!

Funny thing is it sounds like your saying they should be paid this wage for the crap they put up with. Bahaha! Again, not a skilled labor job, period. You can have ur $15 per hour, but I'll be keeping the tip in my pocket. Better yet here's a tip, go learn a trade, get an actual skill, an education, and then it will be easy to get a living wage job! Problem solved

dont be a server then. Its not a career, its a late teen-early 20something job for gas and beer money.

When one has a better job, why would they wait on tables?

Don't most people know when they apply for a server position that the hourly pay is very low? They know what they are going in to. If it's not enough money then they should look into another job/profession. There are lots of jobs to be had. $15/hour minimum wage is ridiculous for any position as a mandated minimum wage.

I could almost see the point in a couple of instances, if it weren't for the blatant disrespect and disregard for the service they are given at a restaurant.  It is these very, "you're here to serve me and serve my every whim" kind of people that make being a server a shitty job.  Of course the entire commentary digressed into every annoying habit that servers have.  One woman went on a complete rant about how she hates to be asked, "Do you need change?" when a server takes her bill up to run it.  When did we become such a hateful society?  When did we lose all respect for the common man?  When did we stop realizing that, just because someone is getting paid to bring me my food, they aren't a real live person deserving of respect?

Well.  Here's what I am going to do.  I'm going to stop thinking about the folks who don't get it and don't want to get it.  I'm going to remember the students who tell me as adults that I was the "second best teacher they ever had". (Hey - that's still pretty special.)  I'm going to remember the parents that told me "because of you, my son learned to love to read".  I'm going to remember the customers that tell my boss I made their day or that they were in love with my smile (or laughed at my crappy jokes).  And I'm going to keep doing the two jobs that I love and be damned with the critics.

Dating after 30, 40, 50...

You’ve all seen the memes.  There are more people than ever dating at a much older age.  And realistically there is some truth behind those memes. A little kernel of truth in every meme as they say. (Maybe they don’t say and I just made that up but it seems true to me.) But it is true.  The dating pool is full of people who have been in at least one bad relationship and sometimes by bad I mean horrifically damaging.  It’s full of single parents with custody arrangements and co-parent drama. There are people who have wrinkles, stretch marks, love handles, less hair, more spots, you name it - we older folks have it.  We may be far from perfect in the physical appearance column and quite a few of us are even father from perfect in the mental health column but do not despair!  There is a positive side to dating after 30 as well.  Hang on, I'm getting there.

When I divorced I fell right into a relationship with an old boyfriend from high school and a current friend.  And I mean fell, because it was easy.  I went on one date with someone else before that relationship.  But it was someone from my local hometown.  Someone I knew.  Someone that literally lived just down the street.  It was fine but as you can probably tell from where I am today, that didn't work out.  But it was convenient and it was easy.  Because let's be honest, the biggest problem with dating after 30 is where do you meet people.  I literally posed that question out loud.  Where do you meet people after 30?

When I was younger the dating pool consisted of guys from high school or neighboring schools, then guys in classes at college or friends with friends at college, or guys you met at the bar.  There were lots and lots of guys to meet.   None of those are options at 30.  Well.  Not good options - I suppose you could still pick up guys at the bar, but some of us outgrew Thirsty Thursday and Ladies Night a while ago.  Options after 30 seem to be:  Guys between relationships at work, guys at church or guys your friends set you up with.  (Blind dates - insert shudder here.)  But then there was that "other" option.  Online dating.  Which seemed like kind of a joke when someone suggested it.  And when the commercials came on TV for Christian Mingle or Farmer's Only, the girls and I would laugh and laugh and they would say, you should try it!

So we laughed some more and then I did.  And here's what I learned about meeting people after 30 (40 or 50).  Online dating is really a viable option.  There are literally hundreds of people out there with very busy lives like your own, that have time and want to talk, but can't be sitting at the bar hoping to strike a conversation with someone who isn't actually an alcoholic or bar fly at 45.  There are hundreds of people who have been hurt by a person of your gender but also willing to give it another shot.  There are hundreds of lonely people that are just searching for some sort of companionship; be it friendship, relationship or even the dreaded "hook up".  (Hey - I'm not judging.  You do you.)  There are also hundreds of people out there who don't fit what you're looking for, but might make someone else very happy.  Judge not!

And dating after 30, 40 or 50 doesn't have to be all depression or anxiety meds and ex bashing.  I mean, there is probably a bit of that.  At least when the conversation topics dim a little.  But there is so much else to talk about when you're older.  Honestly, what did I talk about when I was dating when I was younger?  I mean, I had to have had concerns and issues, but sheesh - nothing like adult conversations.  Once a person has exhausted the weather, there are your kids.  Who can't talk about their kids for hours?  And people at work and work situations.  And politics - heck, might as well get that out on the table on the first date, right?  Could be the shortest date ever: "I think Trump has great ideas for how to fix our foreign relation issues" or you may have found your soulmate: "This division in our country needs to be healed.  We need to do away with a two party system.  It isn't working."  (All you Republicans just calm down - I'm trying to be funny here.)

There are also a whole lot less games and more straight forward, this is how it is, this is me and my issues, kind of discussion.  I'm not going to leave you on "read" or whatever nonsense kids are doing this day.  If I'm pissed at you, I'm going to tell you.  Hell, I'm probably going to warn you.  Possibly on the first date.  "This, this and this piss me off.   Can you handle that?  If not, let me know, I've got shit to do."  Older adults are more honest and forthcoming with a lot of our issues.  We don't have the kind of time it takes to pretend to be someone else to impress someone and slowly ease them into our own personal crazy.  Plus that crap is exhausting and we know it.   We are more likely to put in our bios, "I have two kids, an obsession with dogs, depression and anxiety, a healthy dose of loving chips and Top the Tator a little too much and hatred of all movies relating to or similar in content to Dumb and Dumber, Meet the Fockers or the like.  See - easy peasy.  We wear our hearts and our flaws on our sleeves.

As I said before older people are not quite as fit and beautiful and perfect as the younger versions of ourselves.  (At least on the outside.)  But the best part of that is, we don't expect you to be either!  We aren't looking for that specimen of human perfection.  We are looking for someone who has been through some crap, understands some crap and is willing to put up with some crap.  Don't get discouraged!  Even those bad dates are a chance to meet new people, experience new things and have some conversation.

I've heard a lot of really frustrated folks with online dating.  I know it isn't all cakes and wedding dresses like it was for me and my good friend.  But sometimes I think we get so caught up in wanting to find that perfect someone that we forget to be happy with meeting others and the process along the way.  And really, who doesn't want some good stories to share with their friends?  Bad dates always equal great stories.

Here's my advice, and really who doesn't want my advice?  Sign up for the online dating sites.  Talk to lots of people.  Go on a few dates with those you feel you have something to talk about.  Have zero expectations and don't pressure yourself to find Mr or Mrs Right right now.  Concentrate on meeting people, having fun and getting to know yourself.  And who knows?  Maybe you'll stumble on that perfect mate while you're at it.

Do as I say....

You all know the old saying "do as I say, not as I do"?  I think of that every single day as I scroll through my Facebook.  I think most parents have said it or thought it before.  But wow- maybe we should start setting a better example so that our kids can do what we say AND what we do.  And the best way to do that is to start looking at how we treat others.

I know you’ve taught your kids from a teeny tiny age to;
1. Share
2. Be kind to others
3. Stand up for the little guy
4. Be respectful
5. Don’t fight

But then someone has a difference of opinion than you on social media and all those "rules", those values you’ve been trying to instill in your kids, goes flying right out the window.

Nowhere in that list of things we teach our kids does it say "agree with everything" or "let others tell you what to do".  But if we expect our youngsters to be able to decide who gets to play with the Barbie first without throwing fists, and we want them to play with the kid who ate a white crayon for lunch, then we have to model accepting, caring, KIND behavior ourselves.

We have to watch what we say.  That means no more dumb blond jokes, no more oppressing women jokes, religious jokes or racist jokes.  (My ex used to have a favorite about color TV's that makes me cringe to this day.  Oh and a couple about dating "fat chicks" that were particularly distasteful.)  If our kids here us joking about it, they think it is okay and we need to make it clear that it is NEVER okay.  People don't need to grow "a thicker skin".  We tell our kids that it isn't okay to make fun of others.  We sure wouldn't like it if our child came home and we heard that a classmate said a racist joke about their culture or their gender or their religion.  But then we pick up our keyboards and share a meme or forward on a joke that does exactly that and say "sheesh - can't anyone take a joke?" 

We have to watch what we do.  When we cut in line at the store or the amusement park.  When we complain about all of the people speaking that foreign language we don't understand.  When we turn our back, turn the corner or turn around, our kids are watching us.  They are watching how we react to people that are different than us.  They are watching how we treat those who are struggling.  They watch how we react when we are struggling.  They are always watching.  (And not in the creepy psychothriller way you're thinking.)  Be an example.  All the time.  Remember parenting is a full time job. 

When do the lessons we taught our kiddos end?  Take sharing for example.  When did we stop thinking it was the right thing to do share with those less fortunate than us?  I hear all the time about how people don't want their tax dollars going to those "deadbeats on welfare or food stamps".  But my same friends would gladly give their last $20 to a family in need in their community or a friend who needed grocery money.  I know my friends are kind and caring people, that's why they are my friends.  Why does your circle of giving stop at people you know?  Are there people who abuse the system?  Of course.  But for every person who abuses the system there are 10 families who were in horrific accidents and can't work, who have a terminal illness and can't pay the hospital bills, who are trying to escape abuse, and worse horrors that we can't even imagine.  I can't be everywhere sharing what I have with the less fortunate I know.  For the last 100 years our government has worked hard to help the less fortunate and we have to put trust in the system to identify and help those in need when we can't be there.   As we teach our littles, we need to share and stand up for the little guy. 

We need to be respectful.  I've never told my kids they can't disagree with others.  But there is a right and a wrong way to disagree with someone.  I don't think many of you would argue.  If your five year old came home from kindergarten and told you that he called his classmate a cotton headed ninnymuggin because they like blue and purple is a way better color, you would tell your child that it isn't nice to call people names.  You would tell them that it's okay to have a difference of opinion.  When did we stop telling our kids not to call names and decide it was only okay for "us adults"?  Model the behavior you expect from your child.  Learn to disagree with someone without yelling, throwing insults, calling names or bashing; even when, no -  especially when, you are behind a keyboard.  Keep an open mind, listen and don't be afraid to admit when you're wrong.  All lessons we expect our kids to be working towards. 

The old "do as I say, not as I do" argument just doesn't hold water with me any more.  It's time we remembered that we are parents and what is good enough for the 5 year old is good enough for someone 55 or 505.  I saw a meme the other day that said something along the lines of "I learned everything I needed to know in kindergarten.  Share, Be Kind, Be Respectful, and Boys are Stupid."  Except for that last one, I think that meme nails it on the head.  There is a lot to say for the "rules" for kindergarten being more like life lessons we should be applying in our old age. 

I have friends that are on the complete opposite of the political spectrum of me.  Friends.  Yes, I’ve thought to myself that I sure don’t understand their way of thinking because I KNOW them.  They are good people.  So whenever I get frustrated or annoyed by their posts I do what grownups do.  I click the "unfollow" button, take a little break and remind myself that they are my friends.  Friends who have proved over the years that they are good people who I can trust.  Maybe I don’t always have to get everyone to agree with me.  If I can do it- you can too!