You are loved

This morning, while scrolling through Facebook, I saw that a friend had shared this image.  And it kicked me in the "feels" as they say.  At first I started typing out a lengthly status update and then I remembered I have a blog for a reason.  And for sure this image is blog worthy.

For anyone who has suffered through anxiety and it's best friend and co-conspirator, depression, you know how important the words "you are loved" can be.  People seem to always be surprised when someone takes their own life.  Often we hear exclamations of how happy that person seemed to be and how you would never know they were depressed.  What you don't understand is that people who are depressed are often people who love deeply and are the kind of people who would never dream of bothering their loved ones with their silly feelings.  The other thing we need to realize is that there is, without a doubt, a stigma against people with depression.  Raise your hand if you have said or heard any of the following:

1.  What do you have to be depressed about, your life isn't that bad?

2.  Some people have it way worse than you do.

3.  Just get some fresh air and exercise, you'll feel better.

4.  Just stop thinking about it.

5.  You need to think more positively.

6.  It's all in your head. 

While well meaning and kind, those words do little to help someone with depression.  What that person hears is "you shouldn't be depressed, it's your fault".  We need to STOP saying those things and making people afraid to talk about their depression for fear they are going to be shamed, made fun or belittled.  Stop acting like anyone or everyone you meet can't ACTUALLY be depressed.  You are not in their head.  You are not living their life.  You do not know how they feel. 

I'm going to step up and do my part.  I'm going to be brave enough to talk about my depression.  And I'm going to keep sharing until all my friends and family know that it is okay to talk to me about being depressed and being depressed isn't something to hide or keep to yourself.

The other thing I hear people say when they lose someone to suicide is that they can't believe that their loved one would do this to them.  Trust me.  Your loved one wasn't doing this TO you.  They thought they were doing it FOR you.  I've been there.  I remember thinking that I was just messing everything up and messing everything up FOR everyone.  I remember thinking that everyone would be better off without me.  Except the two people who mattered the most to me.  Those two people, my beautiful girls, needed me in their lives.  I knew where they would end up if something happened to me and I knew how much that would have crushed them.  So they kept me going.  Being there for them, even though I was pretty sure I was screwing up the whole mom gig most of the time and quite epically, was what kept me from even thinking of anything more drastic.  That and a couple of very good best friends who listened and told me they needed me and often.  Many times people who have reached that point of depression don't see that someone needs them and believe that their loved ones will be better off without them around dragging them down.  They don't want to talk about their depression and "bum everyone out".  They just keep on pretending that everything is fine until it isn't and they can't keep pretending any more.  

I'm glad to say I don't feel that way any more. I haven't felt that way for what feels like a long time.   I can look back to a conversation with my therapist where he drew a line on a piece of paper and said, "how long have you been sad according to this line?"  I drew a mark about halfway on the line.  He said, "so if you're 30 something, you've been sad for half your life?"  I responded that no, it had only been the last few years that I could truly say I was sad a lot of the time.  Anxiety yes - probably most of my life.  Sad was fairly recent.  He drew the line out much further on the paper.  And then he drew another line close to the line I had drawn.  His words.... "Melissa.  You're already getting better.  I hear it every time we talk.  This time of your life, this sad time, is going to be a blip on your timeline.  A blip you will be able to talk about, but eventually you will barely remember."  That blip is already fading into my past and becoming part of my history.  My goal is to continue to make depression part of my history and never my future again.  

I have the most amazing husband who reminds me every day that I am loved.  (Usually several times a day, but who's counting? 🤷🏼‍♀️)  I have a daughter that tells me every day she loves me, even when she's mad at me.  I have a dad that hugs me like I'm going to disappear and the best friends a girl could ever ask for.   Every single day I know that I am loved and that it is going to be okay.  If I ever forget that, Tim reminds me.  So I'm going to keep reminding all of you.  You are loved.  It will be okay.