"My husband is unbelievable. I cannot believe how lazy he has gotten. I work two jobs, try to keep the farm running and come home to a giant mess every single night that I have to clean up. This is not what I signed up for and not who I thought he was."
Did I get some of you? Or were some of you shocked by my post considering my past history of saying how much I love my husband and can't believe how lucky I am? I would hope that you would fall into the second category. I would hope that when we read posts like this on social media, that there is always a part of us that questions the validity. Posts like the one above are usually shared in anger or frustration and are seldom based on accurate information. They are pure emotion and for the record, it will be a cold day in H - E - double hockey sticks before I vent about my husband on Facebook. If I don't vent about our ex's on Facebook, and boy do they give me ammunition, I sure as heck am not going to vent about the one person who is beyond reproach in my mind.
But people do. Heck our ex's do. Yep - we know all about it. I'm sure this blog has caught the attention of at least one of them *insert waving emoji*. So I'm here to tell you that yep, we heard and know what you said. Some of your "friends" feel the need to share with us about how negative you are about us. Some of your "friends" are horrified by how you slander the name of good people. Some of your "friends" know the real story and don't believe the stuff you post for even one second. But I'm sure you don't care because that isn't who you're trying to get the attention of. You're reaching out to those who don't know us, the people in your "friends" list who believe you, the people who don't use the power of discernment to be able to sort fact from fiction. But here's what I have to say about the whole situation.
People ask us if it bothers us not to be able to defend ourselves. Nope. Well, sometimes maybe a little. I mean, sometimes a person lets everything get to them a little. Like on a day when I find out that a friend of mine's baby girl was just diagnosed with leukemia, then yeah, it bothers me that an ex is ranting lies about us on Facebook. Because, really? That's what the biggest thing in your life is right now? To me it is a a like sociopathic behavior. You spewing hatred on Facebook diminishes from the people who are really and truly struggling right now. Your "look at me/feel sorry for me" post when there are people with real problems out there like a scary diagnosis, a death, or worse, seems like a slap in the face. So yeah, then it gets to me. But most of the time I just shrug and laugh. Because I know. I know who I am, who my husband is and I know that the people who know me, know too. Heck there are some people who don't even know me but have reached out to me to say that they don't believe all the hatred nonsense. I know that there are good people who are able to think for themselves and don't believe everything they read on the internet.
People ask me what to do about cyberbullying. Because, yeah, that's what it is. Now, if it is your child, I would 100% advocate for getting the law, the school and whomever you can involved. Start a line of communication with both sides and get to the bottom of it. Kids need to learn it is not okay to sit behind a screen and lie, spread rumors, belittle, or berate someone. It can and has led to death. DEATHS people. If kids can't handle themselves behind a screen, they shouldn't get to have them. Period. But with adults, here's how you handle it. You just keep on living your life. You're not going to change that adult. You can make a big deal over it and get the law involved and for what? Giving the sociopath the attention they so crave and the chance to argue is not the answer. By all means, if they are damaging your career or your ability to live your life, take the actions you need to. Get a lawyer, get the law involved, file a harassment suit, whatever you need to do to protect yourself. But if it isn't, then let them be them. People figure it out soon enough and if they don't, does it truly matter? It's a big picture kind of thing. Do you truly care what some random person in Facebook land thinks about you? I don't. I care what my friends and family and coworkers and clergy and customers and students and their parents think of me. Those are the people I interact with every single day and those are the people that matter.
People ask me if they should say something, stick up to the bully, defend those being slandered. Sure you should, IF YOU WANT TO. However, please don't respond for our sake. Ask the target (I hate the word victim - I'm only a victim if I let you be. I am not a victim) if they want you to say something. Let them know you have their back. If they need your support, you should always stand up to bullies. If they need you to be their voice in the corner, when they are backed against the ropes, then yes - the right thing to do is stand up to bullies. I have taught middle school age kids for 20 years now. I get why bystanders, stand by. I understand how it is scary to stand up to a bully. You don't want them to turn on you and that doesn't change whether you are 10 or 70. You don't want to become the new target and you don't know if you're the only one who will dare to stand up. It's an incredibly personal decision when dealing with bullies. Do you put yourself on the line or do you quietly just turn the other cheek and lend support behind the scenes when you can. For years I was the kind to sit back and support the target. I would vent to others about how mean someone was being but do nothing about it. It wasn't until recently that I decided to put my money where my mouth is and start standing up. I tell my students all the time to stand up to bullies. If I expect a 10 year old to do it, why don't I expect the same behavior out of myself? That said, I completely understand those who don't.
How do you personally deal with it? Here's the cold hard truth. Most of the people that engage in this type of bullying behavior as an adult have a mental health issue. I believe I said it earlier when I stated the term "sociopath". I've done extensive research on sociopaths and dealing with them in order to survive. Sociopaths cannot experience empathy, they have difficulty telling right from wrong, they are arrogant, witty, superficially charming and lie. They manipulate others and events. They use just enough kernels of the truth to make their lies believable. They are really good at lying. The old "lie like a rug" idiom applies here or maybe "practice makes perfect". In addition to being a sociopath, many of these people struggle with depression or self worth issues. I can't be angry at someone with a mental health issue. I can detest their behavior. But really, I just feel sorry for them. I don't wish what they feel on anyone. Imagine not knowing what it is like to be proud of yourself? Imagine how hard it would be to hide behind anger, sarcasm, lies and manipulation in order to feel good about yourself? Every day I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I am trying to be a better and kinder person. That is how you deal with it. You be the best person YOU can be and pray for the other person to have peace in their heart so that someday they can move past hatred and hurting others.
Lastly, everyone needs to just take a deep breath and step back from their computers before posting sometimes. I'm so glad that my daughter is learning, or has learned, in school, that your social media is a reflection of who you are. Employers, customers, project leaders, you name it - people are going to stalk your social media accounts to see if you are a person they want to interact with. Thankfully, it is a lesson she already knew as we have been preaching it for a long time.
Here's some basic social media tips on what to post and what not to post:
1. Keep it positive - your social media isn't a place to air your dirty laundry. Share that with your friends over a cup of coffee.
2. Never vent about a job, employer, coworker, family member or friend. See above.
3. Keep the explicit content to yourself (and the dirty jokes)
4. No name calling needed - if you do HAVE to post something negative, keep it civil and professional.
5. Keep it truthful - nothing lowers the validity of your argument than wild exaggerations or outright lies.
6. Don't forward ANYTHING without checking it first. Learn about snopes.com.
7. Keep the selfies to a minimum - nothing says narcissist like a few dozen selfies a week.
8. Do not post private conversations unless you are given permission
9. Do not post about bodily functions. Those conversations are best left to professionals and those jokes couldn't get any less tactful.
10. Be careful of the personal information you share. Addresses, vacation dates, etc...
Lastly - not everyone on your "friends" list is truly your friend. What I've cautioned my kids since they got electronic devices and I will keep preaching until the day I die, never say anything on social media/text/email, that you wouldn't say to someone's face. It WILL get back to them and it leaves a paper trail. Some conversations are better left for in person and some are better left unsaid. Period.
Here is an excellent resource for further information on narcissists, sociopaths and cyberbullying: Click here
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