A red flag warning

A year ago I wrote a post titled "Never Settle" after some inspiration from another woman sharing her story about her wonderful second husband.  I am always more than willing to oo and aahh and gush on and on about my very own personal unicorn, Tim.  But this time around, I want to make this post a little more to the point, a little less romance and happy endings, and a lot more practical advice.  I know, just what everyone wants, relationship advice from someone with a failed marriage, a few failed relationships and who has been happily married for all of one year and some spare change.  I am not claiming to be an expert here.  I'm sharing what I learned along the way and what I have found to be true.  Take it or leave it, as you can with any advice you read on the internet of course.

1.  Don't give up on your faith for anyone. 
This will literally come back to haunt you.  You may think love will overcome the fact that your relationship requires you to either turn your back on your faith or practice your faith alone.  It may for a while.  But there will come a point in your life when you will need your faith, you will turn to God (or whomever you choose as your powers that be) and if your partner does not support you in this, it will be a BIG problem.  For me, it was my mom's illness and then death. I needed God.  I needed my church and my faith community.  I was denied that and I couldn't move past that.  It was not "the straw that broke the camel's back" as they say.  But it was a big old bale of straw heaped on that overloaded camel's back. 

2.  Those little annoyances will become big problems.
At first they are cute.  Then they are annoying.  Eventually they become a big problem.  It's cute how they always hang their coat on the chair instead of the hook by the door.  It's a little annoying how they don't pick up their dishes or help with the laundry.  But someday, some day those little annoyances will just be more proof that the things that are important to you or that make more work for you, don't matter to them.  If they don't care enough to pick up after themselves and create less work for you now, how is that going to translate when you add more to your workload with kids?  Trust me, the partner that doesn't do the dishes now, isn't suddenly going to help with diapers, bath time, pet chores and dusting.  And it gets overwhelming.

3.  Red flags are red flags - don't discount them.
You know that icky feeling in your gut?  You know those things about your partner that you don't tell your friends and family because you know they will disapprove?  Yeah, those things.  Don't ignore them.  If your partner has some behavior that you're hiding at the beginning of the relationship, that's what we call a red flag; as in WARNING - ABANDON SHIP, get off the train, grab a parachute.  Whatever the analogy, the message is the same.  If he spends more than he makes, drinks too much, threatens to hit you, flirts with other women, makes fun of you, calls you names, yells at you.... don't make excuses, don't walk, run.  Run far, far away.  Those behaviors aren't going to go away.  The beginning of a relationship is the "honeymoon period" when everything is rosy and forgivable.  Magnify those behaviors times 100 and you have yourself 5 years into marriage.  Scared yet?  You should be.

4.  People do not change because YOU want them to.
This popped up on my newsfeed again and is always a good reminder.  It holds true for every single person in your life.  People are not going to change because you want them to.  They will only change when THEY want to, when it becomes important to them.  If there is something about your partner at the beginning of the relationship that you think will change with marriage or "growing up", I can almost 100% guarantee it will not change and they will not grow up.  Not unless they are willing to admit they need to change or that there is something wrong with their behavior.  Oh and I mean BELIEVE when I say admit, not just say that it's them that needs to change so you will "shut up and leave them alone."

5. If they have a long line of "crazy ex's" then you can be sure you're next.
Nobody has that bad of luck that they keep finding and falling for people with mental disorders.  If they do, they have a serious lack of judgment and maybe that is a serious enough character flaw right there.  100% of the time if someone is badmouthing every ex by describing them as "crazy", they are the "crazy" ones.  When you can't deal with them any more, you will be the next on their list of crazy ex's and the cycle will begin over again.  Most people have one or two crazy ex's in their past, not a laundry list.  It was the first giant wake up bell for me when my ex got pissed at me and told me I needed "loads of therapy" and went on to add that everyone woman he had dated needed therapy and he didn't know how he kept choosing people as messed up as us.  Even in my foggy, emotionally bereft state, a giant clanging bell went off saying, "Wait, if everyone you date needs therapy, maybe the problem isn't the people you're dating but YOU."  (Can I get a slow clap?)

6. Never ever enter into a relationship with a cheater.  Ever. 
If they cheated on their ex (or soon to be ex if you are the "other woman/man"), they will cheat on you.  Don't even try to argue this one with me.  You are not special.  You are not different than their ex.  Cheating points to a fundamental flaw in character.  I guess maybe if they cheated long, long ago when they were drunk and regretted it and grew up or something.  But wow - I'd still steer clear of that one with a 10 ft pole.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Good people don't make mistakes that crush the hearts and spirits of those that they are supposed to love and protect. 

Please click here and read for more information and explanation: Red Flags and Why We Ignore Them  It's a great website with additional information.  And as always, my door is always open if you want to chat. 

When we force our kids to choose

How many of you are divorced or were the child of divorced parents? How many of you can relate to the knowledge that our children (or maybe you as children yourselves) felt the pressure of being asked to choose one of your parents over the other?  Don't bury your head in the sand and say "I've never asked my child to choose."  Really think about not just what you said, but your actions; down to the littlest look, shrug or action.  Maybe even your inaction.  Have you ever made your child feel like they should "choose you" over the other parent.  The answer is, "yes I have."  Say it with me... "Yes, I have." Yes, you have made your child feel the pressure that they should choose you as their favorite parent. You have made them feel like they should choose to spend time with you instead of their other parent.  You have made them choose.  Think for a minute on how that made (or makes) your child feel.

I know that many of us did this with the best of intentions, maybe we think that their other parent is a bad influence or a toxic example.  Maybe we think that we are a better parent than they are.  Maybe we just want our child to love us the most.  Others just want to punish their ex's by taking away the one thing that matters most to any parent, the love of their child.   But the truth of the matter is that other person is their parent too.  You chose to make a child with that person and barring a few special cases, that child deserves both of you in their lives.  This isn't an easy lesson to learn and something that some of you need to revisit from time to time.

It is easy to translate the hurt and heartache that our ex's cause us to our own kids.  It is our job as parents to keep our kids out of the middle of our divorce.  It is our job to make sure our kids know that it is okay for them to love both of their parents (and any step parents) equally.  It is our job to make sure that our kids have the freedom to spend time with their other parent AND their extended family without worrying about upsetting us or making us "feel bad".  That second part may be the hardest part of all because it is usually a message that we are sending without even knowing that we are sending it.

I know I messed it up a lot.  And my ex did too.  A lot.  I can't apologize to my girls enough for putting them in the middle.  To this day my littlest will talk about how hard it was.  She has a hard time describing how her dad made her feel.  She talks about how he wouldn't come right out and say it all the time, but there were enough comments, enough deep sighs, enough dark looks that she knew, she knew what to say and to do in order to make her dad happy.  Talking about horses or wanting to ride horses did not make him happy.  Talking about me or how she was happy with us did not make him happy.  Be a hunter.  Be an athlete.  Go fishing.  Ride the ATV.  Do the things that make Dad happy.  She was little and she was smart.  She knew how to make Dad happy.  I'm sure she knew how to make Mom happy too.  The difference was she didn't care if I was happy.   She was acting out for me and she had consequences at my house.  She was being told the divorce was all my fault, that I had done some pretty horrible things and I didn't have as much money. Sophie admits to this day, "kids can be bought - at least I could.  And Dad had money.  Lots and lots of money and nice things."  Until she couldn't be bought any more and the things that were happening at the other house finally caught up to them.

There was a couple of glorious months when their dad and I tried to reset this relationship. I tried to help the kids open up their hearts and give him a chance.  And it worked for a few months.  Then he slipped back into his old ways and the rest, as they say, is history.  But we tried.  I swallowed my pride and what I wanted to say and I tried.  I tried coming up with excuses for his behavior again, like I had done for the 15 years we were married.  (The old "Daddy works hard and Daddy is just tired" excuses didn't work anymore.)  But I tried.  I wanted my girls to have both of their parents in their lives.  He just didn't want the same things I did and it didn't work out.  But I can sleep at night, because I tried.  Can you?

Can you sleep at night knowing that you have made your kids choose?  Have you kept your divorce and frustrations off of social media (ESPECIALLY if they share that platform with you and can see it)?  Can you look at your kids and know that they feel comfortable loving their other parent IN FRONT OF YOU?  Can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you have done everything in your power to let your kids know it is okay if they want to spend extra time with their "other family" or share the love of all that family with you?  Or do you have a collection of deep sighs, rolled eyes and shrugged shoulders in your toolbox to use against your kids. 

It's not too late.  It is not too late to admit you were wrong and change your behavior.  Be human and be honest.  Explain that you made a mistake and TRY.  Try harder. Your kids deserve better so be better.  You cared enough about this person at one point in your life to have children together.  Think of that the next time you roll your eyes when your child talks about how their dad wants to take them hunting.  

Sold means sold.

Seems obvious enough right, but let me explain what the word "sold" means to me.  Think of this as a public service announcement if you will.  But selling anything has me so frustrated and selling something "cheap" is the absolute worst.  Let me tell you the situation.

So we have a horse for sale.  We paid quite a bit more for her as an unstarted, barely halter broke yearling than I am currently asking.  She was everything we had hoped for except one big problem.  Even though I had asked the breeder prior to buying, she came up positive for PSSM when we had her 5 panel tested prior to using her as a broodmare as we intended.  (Not his fault - he was misled as well.) Now, you non horse people are probably wondering what that is.  To be brutally honest, many of us horse people are wondering what it is too.  I've researched about it loads, and the problem is there is conflicting scientific articles out there.  The basic gist that everyone can agree on is that it is a condition that has been around forever.  The old timers called it Monday Morning Disease or typing up.  Horses were fed differently and warmed up/cooled down better and it was manageable.  Then they figured out how to do genetic testing and called it PSSM.  And it still can be managed with diet and appropriate turn out and exercise.  Basically treat your horse like a horse and not a show beef steer and you're good.   Especially one like Kenya who has been, to this point, asymptomatic (never shown a symptom).  Some are never even affected by it and are simply carriers.  But even those of us horse people who don't know a ton about the disease know two things:
1. You should not breed them because they have a 50% chance of passing it on to their foals. (Although this has been challenged by some breeders as they have said if the stud doesn't have it the chances go down even more.)
2. Said horse becomes harder than hell to sell and everyone treats them like they have the damn plague.

So when we discovered Kenya had it I went back and forth over what to do with her for MONTHS.  Literally months.  I did not want her to end up in a kill pen.  I've put hours into her and she has grown to be such a sweetheart.  But I could spend hours and days and weeks furthering her training for her to be worth no more as a resale project.  We couldn't breed her as was our intention so I decided we should cut our losses.  The difficulty with finding hay was definitely a factor.  I wrote the ad and slapped a $600 price tag on her and posted it.  Then the shit began.  I'm not even exaggerating when I say, within minutes of posting the ad.

First people told me my price was wrong because she was worth so much more.  Apparently they didn't realize how crazy people are about the PSSM thing.  I had TONS of interest.  Lots of people asking if she would be a good project for their kid.  My response, "I do not know your kid.  Could my kid ride her and continue her training?  Yep.  But I do not know your kid.  That's a parental/trainer question that I can't answer. "  I answered every single question honestly and tried not to lose my cool.  Especially with the endless questions of "what is PSSM?"  Let me tell you what I wanted to respond, "You obviously have the internet, use it."  Or better yet, "If you don't know what it is and aren't willing to do research of your own to learn about it, I don't feel comfortable selling my horse to you with it."  But I tried to keep my cool and just hang in there waiting for the right person to come along.

Then one lady posts on the ad, "Sold, PM me for pickup."  I comment back that I think she has the wrong post to comment that on.  I private messaged her and asked her what she meant.  No response until two days later when she says "I meant I want to buy your horse, private message me for shipping information."  Umm, sorry no - you sound like you live in Nigeria and want me to wire money or something.  I smell a rat.

Then I had the gal who wanted her so badly but she lived out east and would have to arrange shipping.  I give her the name of my favorite shipper.  HE texts me back that he's got my horse on the books for this month, that the buyer is going to be paying board until he can get there.  I tell him that's funny because she hasn't even told  me she was buying her yet and I made no such deal.  I message her and she says, "Yeah, she booked it but she's still thinking it over."  Umm... You might want to let the shipper know that one.  For the record, I haven't heard from her since.

Then I have a gal call me, a sweet older lady.  We talk for about half an hour and I answer every question as honestly as possible.  When she asked me specific questions I couldn't answer, I flat out told her that I wasn't qualified to answer those questions.  She says, "would you take a little less to a great home?  I have references."  I say sure and we schedule pickup for the coming weekend.  She says she is so excited to get her.  A couple of days later I send her my address and she calls again and asks some more questions.  Once again I answer them to the best of my ability and she says how she can't wait to get her home and start working with her.

Let me ask you this.... would you say said horse is sold at this point?  I mean, I accepted her offer and we scheduled pickup.  She didn't say, "When can I come see her and check her out?"  She didn't ask me to hold her until they could try her out.  She said she was COMING TO GET HER on Sunday.  So I told other interested parties that she was "sold pending pickup".  Because, yeah - I've been burned before on a cheap horse.  Meanwhile I was disappointing people right and left that messaged me or commented on Kenya's ad.  I even had one person comment, "Sold and I can pick her up on Monday."  I responded that I would let her know how Sunday went but I thought she was sold.

Fast forward to Sunday.  These people are driving from over 4 hours away.  I rearrange my day so that I am home over the noon hour when they are scheduled to arrive.  They pull in and as I greet the truck they ask to use the bathroom.  We head up to the house and right away I get a bad vibe.  Actually, on the way home from Rochester that morning I turned to Sophie and said, "I just don't feel like Kenya is leaving on a trailer today."  She laughed and said that they wouldn't drive all this way and not take her home.  Oh just you wait young grasshopper.  How much you have to learn about the ways of the crazy horse person.

I'm going to spare you all the details, but we spent roughly over an hour putting Kenya through her paces.  We picked up feet, lunged, they did some showmanship (which Kenya knows nothing about but tried her darndest to look like she did, you name it.  Kenya did everything we asked of her and was the sweetest, kindest, calmest little mare.  I just love that girl.  She tries so hard.  At this point things were getting kind of crazy because Soph had to leave for volleyball and the buyers went back to their vehicle to talk it over.  At this point I was super confused.  Talk what over?  She's sold right?  She's not lame, she didn't do anything wrong, she couldn't have been better actually.  Literally the only comments to the negative they made were that they didn't like her mottling around her eyes and worried she would get whiter; both things that anyone with Appaloosas will tell you are 100% what an Appaloosa is.  And these people had reassured me they knew about Appaloosas.  I'm trying to help Sophie get to volleyball and putting her pony away when the buyer comes back in to tell me that she just isn't going to take her.  There isn't anything "wrong" with Kenya, but she (the buyer) just didn't feel it in here (as she tapped her chest).  I know I wasn't the kindest and friendliest as I kind of cut her off and thanked her for her time and sent them on their way.  But I'm still reeling from this folks.  What does sold mean to you?  When I comment sold on something, that to me means, SOLD- as in any buyer's remorse is my problem, not the seller.

All told, I'm glad they did pass as obviously my gut was telling me something was off even before they arrived.  I also do not want any horse of mine going to a home where the people aren't thrilled to be bringing them home and excited for their future together.  But here's where it gets real folks.  I wasn't worried about Kenya finding her own home as I had already had someone post on her ad, "will take if still available."  Then they private messaged me to ask if she was still available and they could pick up on Monday.  Sound sold to you too?  So I messaged these folks minutes after the empty trailer pulled out of my driveway (along with the 3 or 4 other people that were also waiting to hear if she got picked up).  Their response, "do you have more information, pictures and would you take $400 since you're 3 hours away?"

Let me give you a buying 101 course here folks.  It's called buyer's etiquette actually and applies to so much more than just horses.
1.  Don't post "sold" or "will take" unless you will actually take said item for the price listed.  If you want to dicker on the price or need more info try responding with "Do you have more pictures?" "Will you accept an offer of .....?" "Does said item do this or that?"

2.  Private message the seller this "sold" comment, don't post on the ad and convince everyone that you are actually purchasing the item and therefore telling others that the item is no longer available WHEN IN FACT it still is.

3.  If you agree to buy an item, buy it.  If you have buyer's remorse later, such is life.  Don't be so quick to impulse buy if you're not prepared to purchase.

4.  Do not agree to buy and THEN dicker on the price.  Sold means SOLD.

5.  Do not ask a million questions about the item and then be frustrated that the seller was dead honest and the item does not in fact have some secret cool feature that they just didn't mention.

6.  KNOW the item you are buying.  Do not state you are an expert on said item and then become angry when the seller points out what you don't know.

7.  Do not low ball offer on the item because you live so far away.  It is not the seller or the item's fault that you don't live in their back yard.  Don't make offers on items if you're not willing to drive to get them. Do you call Walmart and ask them to drop the price because you had to drive half an hour to get the crackers?

In case you're wondering where the Kenya saga is headed, she is currently "sold pending pickup" again.  This time for next weekend.  I will have to keep you updated, but after chatting with these folks on the phone, a couple times, I feel a lot better about this new prospective home. Fingers crossed they are serious buyers and not just the next in the line of tire kickers.

Who inspires you?

Today's growth mindset journal entry for my students was to describe a person that inspires you and to describe what makes them inspiring.  I was so excited because I literally spent a weekend with someone who has been inspiring me for a few months now and as soon as I saw the entry I thought to myself that I should write down my thoughts as the students were doing the same.  Plus I got to share my personal experience with the students and they claim they always love when I do that.  (I'm sure it has nothing to do with killing time in my reading classroom.) Since I went to the trouble of jotting a few notes in my growth mindset journal, I thought I would take the time to expand on those notes and blog about my weekend as well.

This past weekend I got to ride in my first clinic under a professional trainer.  Check another item off the bucket list! I have audited plenty of clinics, well a few anyway, but never gotten to actually ride in one.  Some friends of mine invited me along to a Jeremy LaRose clinic held in the Cities this past weekend.  Jeremy and his significant other, Macey, put on an amazing clinic that was beyond my expectations.  They are performing and keeping at the top of the game when it comes to western pleasure and they brought that knowledge with them to help all of us bring out the best in our horses.  But more so than just focusing on bettering our horses for the pleasure classes, it was about getting your horse more broke; for whatever purpose. 

Let me tell you, getting to be the student who struggles was great because it definitely gave me a new appreciation for my students.  I even got to practice telling myself, "I don't get this yet, but I'm going to keep trying until I do get it!"  One of the things I took away from the clinic had nothing to do with horses and everything to do with relating to students who are struggling.  It was very frustrating to watch everyone else getting it and to be the one who understood what to do but just couldn't make their body do what looked so easy to others.  It would have been very easy to just give up or say, I don't agree with what he's doing, he didn't teach it to me right or I can't do this.  One big motivator kept me trying and will keep me from giving up when I try to bring these techniques home to work on them - the love of a great horse.  I want to do right by China and more importantly, every single horse I sit on from here on out.  Many thanks to Jeremy for reminding me of that fact this weekend.

I also learned techniques for training the many young projects that seem to find their way into our hearts and home.  Not just the techniques, but the mindset about how to go about the training.  Jeremy stresses, and I love this mindset, that with the youngsters there is no rush.  There is no time frame when you have to accomplish something and there is no reason to lose your patience or get angry with a colt.  He demonstrated this time and again, even with broke horses that were put into situations they had never been before.  You never saw Jeremy lose his patience and he had tons of advice for how to wait out a young one and when to reward that colt for every bit of try.  This isn't new information but always refreshing to see a trainer who knows how to take their time with a colt.

There were so many things that I learned over the past two days that I can't possibly remember them all.  I'm thankful to Sophie for video taping as much as she could and to my friends that video taped many parts as well.  We touched on so many different areas of training for showmanship and western pleasure, one person's brain can't possibly absorb it all.  My goal is still to write as much down as possible before my brain decides to file it away under the old "Do not disturb" sign it seems so fond of.  Another goal is to work with my horses as much as possible to cement some of the techniques!  The more we do the more we remember.

I will leave you with a few of my favorite phrases from this weekend that I took the time to jot down in the notes on my phone for later:

"Ask a little, get a lot - that's softness in a horse."

"It's a marathon, not a race.  Take your time."

"If you change the question half way through the maneuver, you confuse the horse."  Then he illustrated by asking Macey 5 x 5 several times in a row quickly before changing it to 5 x 10 and we all got to see how it threw her off balance for a second.

"Your gym workout doesn't need to look like full makeup."


Lastly, you never attend these clinics believing 100% in everything the clinician says, but there was enough common sense in what we were doing that I am wholeheartedly behind 95% of what he shared, even some of the things he had to say that were brutally honest about China's potential and future as a show horse.  We all have our limitations and China is no exception to that rule.  However, China has had a way of exceeding my expectations so I'm not losing hope yet.

Why it takes women so long to get dressed...

It takes me forever to get dressed.  Sometimes I change 3 or 4 times.  The invention of Pinterest has helped, I'm not going to lie.  I will search denim shirt and leggings or black pants with button up, just to get style ideas.  Because, I can't even begin to describe, how much anxiety getting dressed in the morning causes me.  And I hate it.  I really truly do.  I'm not talking about your typical weekend or holiday break morning.  That's easy.  Barn jeans and a tshirt or sweatshirt depending on the weather.  Maybe a layer or two as we head into fall.  And even a "going out" outfit doesn't cause me nearly as much stress as getting ready for each day of work.  Going out is fairly easy to because I CAN WEAR JEANS.  Do people not realize, literally everything goes with jeans.  But Monday - Friday I practically need an Ativan to get out the door.

I envy those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about.  You know what I don't understand?  Those people that plan their outfits for the week in advance.  Right?  Those people are out there.  I have a friend who literally decides on Sunday what she's going to wear every day of the week.  How is that possible?  How do you KNOW what you will be like on Wednesday?  What if you're having a chubby day and those leggings just aren't going to happen?  What if it is "that time" and wearing white pants is a BAD idea? What if it is colder or warmer than the forecast predicts (because let's be honest, that sucker is NEVER right)?  I could never be someone who sets out their clothes for the week.  Heck, I could never be someone who sets out their clothes for the next day.  There are days when the clothes I pick out before I get in the shower don't even make the cut for what I walk out the door in.

What's the big deal you say?  Who am I trying to impress?  According to my anxiety and the social cues I have received, apparently every single person I meet.  I think, after reflecting over the events of last week, I have finally nailed down why some of us women take so long to get dressed.  First and foremost, we obviously care WAY too much what others think.  And secondly, that is because other women are constantly judging us.  You think I'm kidding?  As much as I wish I was, my personal experience has proven that to be false.  I'm not saying every other woman.  Heck, you won't catch me judging.  Most of the time you won't catch me even noticing.  I have always said that kids get away with wearing whatever (and it may be flagrantly against our dress code) because I just don't notice those kinds of things.  Unless I really love it because it is a floral print and then I'm saying something like "Where did you get that - I want it!".  And I do notice when others put together a really smashing outfit because again, I'm envious of how some people do it with ease.  So I know there are others who don't judge.  But there are a enough women who do and enough women who aren't afraid to say it out loud TO YOU that, for those of us with anxiety, it is always in the back of our minds.

Let me tell you what I have heard over the years from coworkers, friends even.  Usually phrased as a "joke" with just enough of an undertone to make a person squirmy.

"Isn't that dress a little short?" The day I wore a tunic OVER leggings.  With a sweater over that if I remember correctly.
"You're brave to wear yoga pants to work" The day I wore my brand new cotton dress pants with pockets that were decidely NOT yoga pants.
"Do you wear any color besides black?"
"Oh wow -that's a bright color, you never wear things that color."
"You're wearing a sweater?  I'm so hot!"
"Why are you wearing pants?  It's 80 degrees out!" (Maybe I should send them my "I have psoriasis" blog.)

I could go on.  There is literally at least one critique every other week about what I am wearing if not every week.  Again, these are not compliments.  I have plenty of mental issues, but I can tell the difference between a compliment and a thinly veiled critique.  Some are more outright critiques.  I have had a family member visit their student at school and feel the need to talk to my administrator about my attire.  They were worried about the fact that I was wearing leggings and everyone could "see my butt".  This was the day when I had a long tunic top over my leggings with a blanket scarf over that and draped around me as a shawl.  I had high boots on also so what was exposed of my body was the six inches around my KNEES.  My scandalous, covered with black leggings, knees.  Thankfully my administration brushed it off and reassured me I was fine.  But it was literally traumatic.  I always take great care to make sure my "jiggly bits" are covered when I wear leggings. To have someone imply that I was being inappropriate still bothers me weeks later.

Let me break it down for all of you who never were taught "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all".   It is never okay to shame someone for their choice of clothing.  It is never okay to make fun of someone's outfit.  It is never okay to point out that you wouldn't wear what they are wearing.  It is never okay to question if someone's outfit is appropriate.  It is literally NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.  If you are said person's boss and they are violating dress code then you, you can say something.  The rest of you.  Sssh!

Thanks to the critiques and my own insecurities, this is what getting dressed for the last wedding I went to sounded like.  "Hey guys, what should I wear?  The dress I was planning to wear is sleeveless and it is too cold for it.  Should I wear this?  No?  I can't wear jeans, it is a wedding guys.  No, I can't wear black leggings and a dark sweater, it is a wedding I said!  OMG -  You guys HAVE TO HELP ME!  YOU'RE NOT HELPING!  No, not that, I look fat.  Not that, I'm too old to wear that.  That's too cold.  That's too short.  It looks like I'm trying too hard. YOU GUYS, I HAVE TO GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW.  HELP ME!"  At least 5 outfits later I was out the door.  And for the record.  I froze. 

But this is what we women have done to each other.  I'm literally worried about what every single person will think when they see me in the outfit.  Is it hip enough?  Stylish?  Which shoes?  Boots?  Sandals? Hair accessories? Matches colors, but not too much because apparently that's a bad thing too?  Patterns together okay?  What under shirt?  A cami? Does this undershirt show?  Should it? Is my butt covered? Am I showing too much cleavage?  Will I be able to bend over?  Can you see any of my psoriasis? Will this be itchy later?  Is this bra showing through?  Do I have panty lines?  Is it too tight?  How does this color look on me? What will people think?  Scarf or no scarf?  Jewelry?  Will I be warm enough?  Too warm?  And now, now I have to worry about my butt showing THROUGH two over-layers on top of all the other worries.   Literally that is just getting dressed - not even hair or makeup. 

I don't worry about what my husband will say because he has proven that he loves me no matter what.  But other women... sharks.  It is time we stop pointing out the negative in each other.  It's time we stop the back handed compliments, the sly looks, the up and down stare and simply rejoice that we are all very different.  Stop judging a woman's character based off of what she wears and stop trying to shame women because they show any part of their body.  Why does it matter?  Wouldn't it be amazing if we could all just wear what makes us most comfortable and not have to worry about what someone else would feel the need to say??

It really boils down to a very simple life lesson.  Even if you haven't seen the movie Bambi, I'm sure somewhere along the line you've heard it....

The life cycle of bangs

If you're reading this and don't know what bangs are, this post probably isn't for you.  For any woman that has ever had bangs before or currently sporting a style with bangs, read on.  I feel like I can't possibly be alone in this struggle.  That said, if you're one of those people blessed to not have bangs or have the kind of face shape that doesn't require bangs, no judging!  Don't go saying, "well, if you don't like them, don't have them."  Some of us are blessed with foreheads large enough to rent billboard space for election ads or toothpaste.  Some of us have foreheads that require bangs to break up the shining wall of white that proclaims, "Look at me!  I'm a forehead!"  Some of us, well, let's just say you'd be glad I have bangs if you saw me without.

So, the life cycle of bangs.  Again, I feel like anyone who has had bangs can relate.  Let's begin with the day after you cut your bangs.   The day after getting bangs you look in the mirror and think, "Whoa, those bangs are a little short.  But that's okay, I know they will grow.  This just gives me a few more days before I'll need to have them cut again."

Two days later....  "Wow, these bangs are still pretty short.  Maybe if I blow dry them straighter they will seem longer.  Nope, still got some forehead above eyebrows showing.  That's awkward.  Oh well."

Three days later.... "Holy crap, will these things never grow!  I look like I let my husband cut them for Christ's sake."

The very next day.... "Oh yay!  My bangs are perfect!  I love having bangs.  They look so cute and stylish.  I've got this hairstyle thing down."

The very next day (possibly even later that same day).... "Seriously, these dang bangs are in my eyes.  They are like pricking my eyeballs.  How did they get so long so fast?  Wasn't it just yesterday they were too short?"

Two days later.... "Well, this is ridiculous.  How is anyone supposed to see through this curtain?"

Three days later.... "I cannot take these bangs anymore.  Maybe I"ll try curling them a little to give them a little lift.

"Well, Crap.  That did not work out the way I planned."

Two days later.... "Argh!  I cannot do anything with these bangs!  Maybe if I just trim them a little before I can get in for my next hair appointment."

The next day... "Wow.  Ummm...  I may have gotten them a little short. *Insert stylist's name here* is gonna kill me."

And thus the cycle begins again.