A red flag warning

A year ago I wrote a post titled "Never Settle" after some inspiration from another woman sharing her story about her wonderful second husband.  I am always more than willing to oo and aahh and gush on and on about my very own personal unicorn, Tim.  But this time around, I want to make this post a little more to the point, a little less romance and happy endings, and a lot more practical advice.  I know, just what everyone wants, relationship advice from someone with a failed marriage, a few failed relationships and who has been happily married for all of one year and some spare change.  I am not claiming to be an expert here.  I'm sharing what I learned along the way and what I have found to be true.  Take it or leave it, as you can with any advice you read on the internet of course.

1.  Don't give up on your faith for anyone. 
This will literally come back to haunt you.  You may think love will overcome the fact that your relationship requires you to either turn your back on your faith or practice your faith alone.  It may for a while.  But there will come a point in your life when you will need your faith, you will turn to God (or whomever you choose as your powers that be) and if your partner does not support you in this, it will be a BIG problem.  For me, it was my mom's illness and then death. I needed God.  I needed my church and my faith community.  I was denied that and I couldn't move past that.  It was not "the straw that broke the camel's back" as they say.  But it was a big old bale of straw heaped on that overloaded camel's back. 

2.  Those little annoyances will become big problems.
At first they are cute.  Then they are annoying.  Eventually they become a big problem.  It's cute how they always hang their coat on the chair instead of the hook by the door.  It's a little annoying how they don't pick up their dishes or help with the laundry.  But someday, some day those little annoyances will just be more proof that the things that are important to you or that make more work for you, don't matter to them.  If they don't care enough to pick up after themselves and create less work for you now, how is that going to translate when you add more to your workload with kids?  Trust me, the partner that doesn't do the dishes now, isn't suddenly going to help with diapers, bath time, pet chores and dusting.  And it gets overwhelming.

3.  Red flags are red flags - don't discount them.
You know that icky feeling in your gut?  You know those things about your partner that you don't tell your friends and family because you know they will disapprove?  Yeah, those things.  Don't ignore them.  If your partner has some behavior that you're hiding at the beginning of the relationship, that's what we call a red flag; as in WARNING - ABANDON SHIP, get off the train, grab a parachute.  Whatever the analogy, the message is the same.  If he spends more than he makes, drinks too much, threatens to hit you, flirts with other women, makes fun of you, calls you names, yells at you.... don't make excuses, don't walk, run.  Run far, far away.  Those behaviors aren't going to go away.  The beginning of a relationship is the "honeymoon period" when everything is rosy and forgivable.  Magnify those behaviors times 100 and you have yourself 5 years into marriage.  Scared yet?  You should be.

4.  People do not change because YOU want them to.
This popped up on my newsfeed again and is always a good reminder.  It holds true for every single person in your life.  People are not going to change because you want them to.  They will only change when THEY want to, when it becomes important to them.  If there is something about your partner at the beginning of the relationship that you think will change with marriage or "growing up", I can almost 100% guarantee it will not change and they will not grow up.  Not unless they are willing to admit they need to change or that there is something wrong with their behavior.  Oh and I mean BELIEVE when I say admit, not just say that it's them that needs to change so you will "shut up and leave them alone."

5. If they have a long line of "crazy ex's" then you can be sure you're next.
Nobody has that bad of luck that they keep finding and falling for people with mental disorders.  If they do, they have a serious lack of judgment and maybe that is a serious enough character flaw right there.  100% of the time if someone is badmouthing every ex by describing them as "crazy", they are the "crazy" ones.  When you can't deal with them any more, you will be the next on their list of crazy ex's and the cycle will begin over again.  Most people have one or two crazy ex's in their past, not a laundry list.  It was the first giant wake up bell for me when my ex got pissed at me and told me I needed "loads of therapy" and went on to add that everyone woman he had dated needed therapy and he didn't know how he kept choosing people as messed up as us.  Even in my foggy, emotionally bereft state, a giant clanging bell went off saying, "Wait, if everyone you date needs therapy, maybe the problem isn't the people you're dating but YOU."  (Can I get a slow clap?)

6. Never ever enter into a relationship with a cheater.  Ever. 
If they cheated on their ex (or soon to be ex if you are the "other woman/man"), they will cheat on you.  Don't even try to argue this one with me.  You are not special.  You are not different than their ex.  Cheating points to a fundamental flaw in character.  I guess maybe if they cheated long, long ago when they were drunk and regretted it and grew up or something.  But wow - I'd still steer clear of that one with a 10 ft pole.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Good people don't make mistakes that crush the hearts and spirits of those that they are supposed to love and protect. 

Please click here and read for more information and explanation: Red Flags and Why We Ignore Them  It's a great website with additional information.  And as always, my door is always open if you want to chat.