Stop Bullying!

I see it all the time on social media.  People love to post that we need to stop bullying in schools.  Heck, the First Lady has made it a platform and a program she is pushing and she even has a catchy name for it.  Be Best! I couldn't agree more with everyone's anger and outrage at the rampant bullying in our schools.  The bigger problem people don't want to acknowledge is that the bullying doesn't start in schools.  It starts at home.  I'm not talking about kids being bullied by their parents or siblings or even cousins.  I'm talking about parents bullying other parents. 

Our kids are always watching and learning from us.  Don't believe me?  Ask yourself if your toddler ever said a swear word.  Did you toddler ever say something that was a direct quote of something you said?  I believe Libby's was "too bad so sad" and I think it was Sophie that said, "Are you going to cowgirl up or just lay there and bleed?"  Yeah, they didn't hear that from a cartoon on TV, they heard that from me, probably more than once.  No, I wasn't talking to them, but they were listening.  They are always listening.  They are listening to our interactions with our spouse, they are listening when we are on the phone and they are listening when we are visiting with our friends.  They are listening when we talk about the bills, what we are making for supper and they are listening when we make the choice to talk about someone behind their back.  As parents, we need to be better examples of how we talk about and judge others. 

Their homes are the number one place where kids start forming their opinions about the world around them.  We need to fill those experiences with kindness and acceptance.  We need to stop with judging others by the color of their skin, the clothes that they wear, their gender, their sexual preference, their political affiliations or the choices that they make.  We are not their judge and jury.  Our place is to accept people for who they are and support them in those choices.  We need to model civil conversations and disagreements.  We need to show our kids that we can disagree with someone without resorting to name calling.  We need to model asking questions and for explanations, not belittling and back talking.  We need to be better because the world they live in is not.  The last 3 years has taught me that.

A person used to be able to look up to our political leaders and examples of how to conduct themselves.  They could disagree respectfully.  They could conduct themselves like adults who are able to have a civil discussion.  Today's politicians are far from civil and polite or even respectful.  The president sets the bar and for years now, Trump has been pushing that bar lower and lower.  It's no surprise that since the campaign began and Trump showed us that a person, well a white privileged male, can get elected even while mocking a disabled reporter, a war veteran who was a POW and all women saying he can "grab them by the pussy", violence and bullying are on the rise.  At the same time as Melania is telling people to "be best", her husband is name calling, ridiculing and mocking others.  It makes our job as parents more difficult but not impossible.  We can still set the example for what America needs and what America needs is more acceptance, not more hatred and division.

If we want to end bullying, we need to end it at home.  We can't expect teachers to end bullying, especially when our president's own son is telling students they don't have to listen to their "loser teachers".  Article about "Loser Teachers" We loser teachers can't do it all.  We need your help as parents.  We need you to have the conversations with your own kids.  But more than conversations, we need you to set the example.  We need parents to show their kids how they accept that others may not always act the way we expect them to act.  We need parents to show their kids it is okay to have different beliefs, not just okay - but interesting, a chance for us to learn.  When you disagree with someone, we need you to demonstrate that you can communicate without mocking or name calling.  That it is okay to just agree to disagree.  We need to demonstrate being upfront and honest with someone, in person, and no longer hiding behind our screens. 

We need to stop bullying in our homes and stop waiting for someone else to stop it for us.  We need to stop telling our kids to do as we say, not as we do and start practicing what we preach.  Then and only then, will we see a change in the world.  Change begins with us.  Change begins at home.  Change is possible!

Article with early examples of Trump's bullying

I'm just not good at it

I hear this all the time in the classroom.  "I'm just not good at this poetry stuff."  I"'m just not not good at finding figurative language." Or the one that makes my blood curdle and my stomach sick, "I'm just not good at reading."  Just the other day I was having the students get their desks ready to take the end of the unit poetry quiz.  One student asks for more study time.  I tell him that we had made review flashcards the day before in class and that he had had the entire evening to study.  He says, "Well, yeah, but I didn't." My response was that was a choice he had made then.  Five minutes into the test, as I'm walking around and monitoring, he chuckles and says, "I'm just not good at this stuff."  Not good at it?  Not good at something you didn't study or even look at once?  My response to him was, "Yeah, I'm not good at stuff I don't practice either."

Where does this attitude come from?  US!  We, as parents and aunts and uncles and babysitters and, you name it, we put this attitude into young people's heads.  I wish I could say I am better than most, but I'm not.  If I had a quarter for every time I have said, in front of my kids, "I'm not good at math".  Well, I'd probably be able to buy a nice TV or maybe a not so nice one... but if I've said it once, I've said it too many times.  Of course I'm not good at math.  I haven't worked at it in years.  And even when I was in school and studying math, my attitude got in the way of me learning more and exceeding.  I was convinced from an early age that I wasn't good at math.  Why?  Because it was hard.  Things you're good at are supposed to be easy, right?  Ummm.  WRONG. 

Think about all the things in your life you're good at.  Were you good at them the first time you tried them?  Doubtful.  I wasn't good at horseback riding the first time I tried it.  Lord, those pictures make me cringe.  It has taken years.... years... and lessons and research through books and videos and a lot of time on my butt looking up at the sky and thinking, "this is really hard, why do I do this" for me to get better.  And I'm still not great.  But I keep working at it. 

Want a more relatable analogy?  How about Mario Kart?  I used to be really good at Mario Kart.  When we had the recent epic winter and 10000 snow days, our family turned to the good old Wii to kill the boredom and do something together.  Enter Mario Kart.  I was embarrassed and lost badly every single time.  Do you know what I did?  I practiced.  Literally practiced playing a video game.  Yep, I'm a little ashamed to admit that, but did I ever tell you all how highly competitive I am?  I still can't beat Carter or Sophie, but hey - I've held my own and even beaten Tim a few times now. 

We need to stop allowing our kids to get away with saying "I'm just not good at it."  You're not good at it because you haven't put in the work.  Anything worth doing is worth doing well and that means practicing.  That means putting in the time and effort.  Things you're not naturally born with a talent for (and wow - the list of things that would be for me is quite lengthly) require even MORE practice.  Which brings me to how I am going to talk about this with my students today. 

After that student and I chatted, I waited for the kids to go home and created a slideshow.  The title of the slideshow is "Things I Have Never Practiced" with the subtitle "So I'm Not Very Good At".  In said slideshow I have some great fail photos of things like downhill skiing, NASCAR racing, scuba diving, playing the cello, (I may actually grab a co-teacher's guitar and demonstrate how NOT GOOD I am at playing something I have never practiced) and I think curling and mountain climbing.  Then I have a slide titled "Things I Practiced" with the subtitle "And am Kind of Good at But Need to Keep Practicing".  I have photos of horse shows, reading, writing, baking pies and yes - even Mario Kart.  I am having a little fun with it and definitely poking a little fun at myself at the same time, but hopefully the message sinks in with at least a few of them.  We had an excellent discussion and they were very honest (and laughed a little at the thought of me skiing). 

Things aren't always going to be easy.  There are some things in life that are going to be downright hard.  But if they are worth doing, they are worth doing well!  (PS - For the record, that credit for that quote apparently goes to like 13 different people including the Bible so.....)  So let's model and encourage our kids to work hard and (cue Army theme music) be the best they can be. 

The show I didn't want to go to...

Wow.   What a weekend!  I don't think we have ever attended a show with as much indecision and struggle about deciding whether to attend or not, or half as much trouble even just getting to and from a show.  But we made it and I'm so glad we did.

As many of you know, China is not well.  I hesitate to use the word "sick", but I don't really know what else to call it.  She's not eating or just barely eating and we are going on 40 days.  She's eating enough to survive but at this time she's lost approximately 200 pounds and my 4 year old big girl looks and acts like a 27 year old rescue. We've had her to the best vets and no one can find a cause for all of this and all the experimenting with treatments and multiple vet visits has us hovering in the thousands for vet care.  That's not counting all the different feeds and supplements we have been trying to get her to eat.  Needless to say, that was weighing on my mind when we realized that the first show was right around the corner.  With the expenses we had and the fact that I would be leaving her home for two days without being able to keep an eye on her, I was set to cancel our arrival at the show.  Add that to a forecast that put our area into a winter storm watch and it seemed like the fates were against us.

All day Thursday we wavered back and forth.  I talked with multiple friends that had planned to attend the show. I ran the idea by Tim time after time.  I asked co-workers and random friends what they thought I should do.  Aside from consulting a magic 8 ball (dang it - I have an app for that I forgot to use) or my horoscope, I think I consulted about everyone possible.  There were a lot of reasons not to go, but there was one very good reason to go.  Sophie.  Sophie and Mercy had been working so hard and were really looking forward to getting into the show ring for the first time.  Feeling like I owed it to her, we made the decision to load up and go to the show.

Friday the weather was gorgeous. So nice that it turned our driveway into one giant ski slope.  With the snow pack getting a little warmth to it, it became very slippery very fast.  The old 2 wheel drive Suburban took one try at it and promptly became stuck on the ice.  No going forward or back no matter how much sand we spread.  Tim's dad offered his truck but I seriously doubted our ability to get the Suburban out of the way once we got it unhooked.  I guess I should never doubt the enthusiasm of a couple of teenage girls (or their mom).  With Libby behind the wheel, Sophie and I managed to push Big Blue up out of the rut and Libby got her up the driveway and out of the way.  The 4 wheel drive truck easily pulled the trailer up the driveway and we were on the way.

Once at the show I realized that back up pony, Cutie, probably needed a little more than the week long refresher she had gotten before the show.  She was a pretty good girl, but just a little fresh.  And poor Mercy. Mercy who had never been off the farm or seen so many strange horses all in one place.  She wasn't naughty but she sure was screaming her head off wanting to know where her friends were and if they could save her from the madness.  Both ponies got their first baths of the season and clipped (or should I say attacked with a clippers).  They kind of looked like they got attacked with a weed eater and lost, but some of that winter fuzz was removed from both of them and they looked a little bit more like show ponies.  Sophie made the tough decision to cut off Mercy's long locks and band her like a real show pony.  What a difference!  No more giving fairy rides for the little red pony.  The fairies are going to have to hop a ride on Sully or Cher from now on.

Saturday was also a bright and early morning.  I had the bright idea to warm up Cutie bareback, thinking I should probably practice that once before the class.  In true first show form, there was one black horse in the warm up who decided that everything along the rail was terribly scary.  And of course he was spooking right in front of Cutie.  This made Cutie decide that the folding chair was scary and jump sideways.  Luckily for me she has a mane I can grab onto.  Oh wait - no she doesn't.  Lucky for me I didn't end up in the dirt.  And not only did said black horse spook in front of us once, but make that twice.  So yeah, warm up was not highly successful at getting Cutie settled in.

After warm up, we got ready for showmanship.  Mind you I was pleasantly surprised a week earlier that someone, at some point in time, had taught Cutie some showmanship so I wasn't starting from scratch.  I was, however, starting from scratch plus 1 (maybe 2).  She knew the basics but we had not come together in our understanding or what cues what at all.  We had worked on it every day for a week and had come leaps and bounds, but Cutie is VERY different from China when it comes to showmanship.  China is lazy with a capital L.  I have to drag her through the pattern.  Cutie is very forward and quick to trot or walk.  Cutie can be lazy but if you get after, or if she even THINKS you may get after her, she becomes a spaz.  Needless to say I looked at her wrong in the warm up and she went running backwards.  I had a feeling our pattern was going to be extra special, and you all know how I feel about showmanship on a good day with China.  Imagine my surprise when she was a good girl.  Well, if you count taking a giant sloppy poo almost ON the ring steward during inspection being a good girl.  Otherwise she was as good as Cutie gets and we got a second.  (Note to self - check off one of your goals for 2019 - breaking into the top 3 for showmanship.)  Sophie and Mercy (who have only just begun practicing showmanship) also did an okay pattern and placed 5th in a big group.

Next we had English.  Sophie wisely decided to leave English for the next show since Mercy was still finding her ground and confidence.  While the arena dirt is soft and it isn't far too fall off Mercy, it still isn't much fun being a dart at the first show of the season.  She also wanted to make sure her pony didn't wreck any kids' rides in her age group. (Too bad others weren't quite as considerate with their less than trained horses.)  Cutie didn't have the most relaxed and pretty rides but we took two seconds in pleasure and equitation so I was very happy with her.

Next was western.  Cutie had a great ride in pleasure and got first.  She's a jogging machine that one.  But she was a total butt in horsemanship.  She decided she didn't know how to pivot and started to run backwards.  I had to put two hands on and remind her how to have a brain in her head.  Gotta love competing with an animal that has a complete mind of its own. (or lack thereof sometimes)  Sophie had amazing rides, albeit a little noisy.  Mercy may have whinnied her fool head off, but they were 5th in pleasure and 2nd in horsemanship.  So proud of their first day!  Cutie had two more classes, bareback and egg and spoon.  The last show of last year, Sophie and Cutie had ended with a first in bareback.  Sophie made me a bet to keep the streak going and we did.  First in bareback and a spook in egg and spoon that cost us a placing in the class.  Day 1 was DONE!

We got back early on Sunday to get ready to do it all again.  After a quick warm up we went in for showmanship.  I was so much prouder of Cutie's more relaxed pattern.  I came out thinking I must have screwed something up because whenever I think it goes well, it means I've forgotten to do something.  Thankfully we got a second again and shocker of the day, so did Sophie and Mercy!  Onwards and upwards from here folks!

English was similar to the day before (right down to the same exact pattern for equitation) and then western.  Mercy was almost done whinnying her fool head off.  She hardly whinnied in both of her western classes and was 4th in pleasure.  Then they went out to do their horsemanship pattern.  The entire time they were doing their pattern that same fool black horse was literally rearing in the background.  Mercy never even flicked an ear and rocked that pattern.  They deserved that first place finish and I'm so proud of them!

Cutie went on a mission for the last 4 classes of the day.  We won pleasure.  Then next was horsemanship, complete with a pivot again.  This time she remembered her brain and we won that class as well.  Then bareback and the added stress of Sophie saying that we were "on a streak now and better not ruin it".  Well, we did her proud and took first again.  Then egg and spoon.  Cutie redeemed herself and was a star.  We placed second, but it wasn't her fault - I just really stink at egg and spoon.  Nearly a clean sweep of the western classes and I ended the weekend very proud of the "back up" pony.  I'm pretty darn lucky to have such a nice pony as back up for the "good" ponies.

Of course, as all shows go, the end of egg and spoon meant the mad rush to get everything loaded back into the truck and trailer.  We took our obligatory ribbon and pony pics before returning the ribbons to the show office.  (We don't keep our ribbons as a way to help clubs cut down on costs.)  Sophie kept saying that I should wait because I could get an overall award for the weekend.  I had a thought that I might be eligible for reserve, but with getting a sixth in horsemanship the first day and nothing in egg and spoon I was confident I was not in the running for much.  But we stayed to hear awards and support our friends.

As we waited to hear the placings we were super proud and excited of our show buddy and his reserve place in PeeWee and my little cousin for winning the PeeWee division.  When they got to announcing the senior walk/trot division I was bummed to hear another rider's name announced as reserve.  I was certain I knew who was champion, but have I ever mentioned I'm not so good at doing the math stuff in my head?  Sophie and Tim sure didn't act surprised when they announced Dutch Major Cutie and I in first place and winners of the buckle for the weekend.  I'm so very proud of my back up pony who showed she's nobody's second choice pony.  She had some pretty darn big shoes (literally and figuratively) to fill but she didn't miss a beat.  Miss Cutie or Toots or Tootie as I love to call her (and usually get a mare glare for it) has always had a special place in my heart and now she has a buckle on my shelf that's all thanks to her.

To everyone that encouraged us to go and helped make sure we got there, got into classes and got home, THANK YOU!  It was just what I didn't know I needed and so good for the heart and soul.  It was amazing to escape the reality of pushing meds and counting pounds of feed not eaten, if only for a couple of days.  Lots of laughs and smiles and horse hair all around were just what I needed.  It's back to reality now, but I'm thankful for every minute and every ride.  We may not have many shows we can attend this year, but our goal is to make every show we get to about friendships and fun, personal goals and positive attitudes.

Juju introduction post

Not sure why it has taken me so long to write this post, but it is past time to formally introduce Juju to our friends and family.  If you follow us on Facebook, Instagram or any of the other social media platforms, then you know all about Juju.  But this post will possibly fill in some of the gaps and is another chance for me to share adorable pics of our new pup.

I know Tim thinks I'm a little horse crazy, and dog crazy, oh and chicken crazy and... well, maybe we shouldn't dig into the many ways that Tim thinks I'm a little crazy.  But basically since the minute Jinx came home we haven't stopped looking for another Aussie.  Possibly another bigger Aussie to be more of a farm dog.  Jinx is a great little farm dog, but she is pretty little.  There is only so much a toy sized Aussie can do, no matter how big their heart, in the way of herding the horses.  Jinx has literally been the perfect family dog.  Every dog is different, but Jinx, in many ways, doesn't fit the stereotypical Aussie profile.  She's quite content to sleep all day and she never really played with toys.  Get her outside and she loves to run and chase and play, but inside she is a model citizen.  She only ever really chewed on one thing and wrecked it (and boy did she look guilty and sorry when I found her with it) and she was quick to potty train despite minimal effort by the girls to do it correctly.  She loves to cuddle and virtually never makes a sound. In fact, the one time she barked inside it was a cause for alarm by the whole family because we were all so shocked.  She doesn't typically whine (unless Sophie locks her out of her room) and she is in general a quiet, content, perfect little pup.  So what does everyone do when they have a good first child?  Have a second one of course!

Libby watched puppy pages and friends' litters for months. She was actively searching the adoption pages and rescues.  She was bound and determined to get her own puppy, one she could take with her when she moves out.  But it had to live with us first so I had final say and I'm very picky.  I know just what kinds of breeds I personally like.  I know which breeds match our family's lifestyle and needs.  I know just what kind of dog I can stand and I know which I can't which is a much larger list.  I know which are allowed by insurance companies after learning the hard way that Rotts, Pits and Dobies aren't.  Finally, just the kind of puppies we are looking for popped up in my news feed.  We didn't need a breed show quality dog.  We didn't need a "fancy" puppy.  We just wanted a sweetheart farm dog to keep Jinx company and be a much loved family pet.  And there were 6 to choose from.  When we got to the breeder's place we fully intended to fall in love with and get the black tri female. And Libby did.   But there was this one puppy that sat back from the rest of the commotion and watched.  AND she was my all time favorite color - blue merle.  Once I picked her up and she snuggled into me it was all over.  Libby was going to have to wait to get her dream puppy because I had found mine.  I had to have that puppy and now all I had to do was beg Tim.  Lucky for me, he's an easy mark.

We brought Juju home and I was super nervous about her meeting Jinx.  Jinx can be kind of nervous around other dogs.  But it was truly love at first sight.  Jinx absolutely LOVES Juju and is pretty sure that we brought her home just for her.  When they aren't playing and wrestling and fighting with each other, one is sleeping on the other.  Libby tells the story of how Juju was having a nightmare and whining in her sleep.  Jinx got up from her spot on the couch to go lay down on Juju and reassure her.  Just this morning I was giving Juju her dewormer and you would have thought I was killing her.  Jinx stopped eating her breakfast to come over and whine and reassure her friend that she was okay.  (And give me a death stare).  They sleep together and play together and are the very best of friends.

However, Jinx and Juju couldn't be more opposite in so many ways.
1.  Juju is most content sleeping ON you, under you,  next to you.  Jinx likes to cuddle but when it is truly sleep time she will get up to go stretch out away from everyone.

2.  Jinx loves her treats and bones and gobbles them down right away.  Juju "buries" everything.  The other day she was so mad at us.  First she tried to bury her bone in the couch cushions so we took it out and told her to just eat it.  Then she went to my bedroom and tried to bury it under the blanket on the love seat.  So we took it out and told her just to eat it.  Next she was trying to bury it under Libby's blanket, then the blanket in her doggie bed, then behind the trunk and lastly she buried it between the quilts hanging on the quilt rack.  We stopped trying to get her to just enjoy her treat at that point.

3.  As I said before, Jinx is QUIET.  Like when she does bark, about once a month, it is a cause for the entire family to take notice and be alarmed.  She only whines, rarely and usually because she can't be right next to Sophie.  Juju is a talker.  She whines, barks, yips, yelps, growls and groans.  Yes, groans when they are wrestling.  She isn't overly loud or obnoxious, just a talker.

4.  Jinx could have her dish of food out 24/7 and would eat a little here or there when she was hungry.  Juju will eat whatever is in the dish until it is gone.  There is a reason Sophie has dubbed her "Chubs".

5. Jinx is timid.  She loves our family, but is leery of strangers.  Juju doesn't know the meaning of the word timid.  She's fearless.

6.  Jinx was never one to play with toys.  She had a couple she would chew on and shake, but for the most part she wasn't in love with the whole squeaky toy idea.  Juju has made great use of every single one of Jinx's forgotten and bypassed toys.  She loves a good game of fetch and she loves to squeak her toys.  A lot.

I'm sure there are more ways that will come to mind, but the real truth is that they are both wicked smart and both the sweetest dogs on the planet.  We couldn't ask for two more perfect additions to our family. Yes, we are back to potty training and puppy patrol.  But we are also back to puppy breath, puppy kisses and puppy snuggles.  It doesn't get any better.  Juju came to us as Jinx's little buddy and she's fast passing her.  Our little Chubs is growing up so fast! 

My kid can't read!

I see people, posts, articles all the time about the progress of students as readers.  Of course if a student can't read or read well the blame is always placed firmly at the feet of educators and schools.  But let's take a step back from the hate train for once and instead of looking outside the home, let's look inside our own walls for a second.  What has changed from when we were kids in school to kids in school today?  And what messages about reading are we as parents sharing with our own kids?

If I have heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times, "I wasn't a good reader either so I'm not surprised my kid isn't."  Here's what I know.  I know that if you have told me in parent teacher conferences, you have told your child this at some point as well.  While you have said it with the good intention of making your child feel better about themselves, what you've really given your child is two things:  1.  You made reading something that is a trait a person is "born with" (which is is 100% NOT).   2.  You made it okay for the kid to say, "I'm not good at it, I won't be good at it, I don't have to try."     Please, for the love of Pete, do not say this to your child.  Reading is a skill just like any other skill out there.  If your child can learn to tie their shoes, dribble a basketball, or play Fortnite, they can learn to read.  Do some students need to work harder at this skill than other?  For sure.  But reading is work.  Reading takes time to master.  Reading is a skill to learn like any other.  Don't give your child that out.  Tell them that anyone can learn to read and say it with conviction.  Tell them that you struggled with reading too, but then add, "so I will practice reading with you because it is super important to get better at reading".  And most importantly, model reading to your child!

Which brings up my next point - what did our homes look like growing up?  How did your parents model reading with you as a child?  Did they get the newspaper and read it?  Did they read a book or magazine?  I feel like our parents did a much better job of modeling reading in their homes than many of us do.  They had too.  The news and information weren't readily available via the world wide web so our parents turned to print resources.  Magazines.  How many of you grew up with magazines in your house (maybe parked next to or on the toilet)?  Newspapers were delivered to our doors, etc...  The written word was more prominent and obvious when we were growing up.  Not all of our parents modeled reading a good book, but virtually all of our parents modeled reading SOMETHING.

Back in the dark ages, there were fewer toys for kids so books were a popular choice.  Books on everything and anything.  Pop up books still thrilled kids, we weren't used to interactive technology yet, we were more easily impressed.  I had a ton of books as a child. I remember being fascinated by my Wizard of Oz book with the pop ups, the slide outs, the flip the shape, etc... As I got older other types of books inspired me and thrilled me.   I still have many of those childhood books today as they were my most prized possessions.  The most exciting day in the school year was the day the book fair opened and after that was over I would ride the mini high of each and every book order that came through my back pack.  I'm not going to lie.  As a teacher I still live for the book order each month and enjoy ordering from Scholastic almost as much as I did as a kid.  But the sad thing is that, even in my few years as a teacher, I have watched the number of books ordered on book orders fall off to nearly zero.  It's sad to me as a teacher, but more importantly as a mother, that fewer and fewer kids are being surrounded with and encouraged to lose themselves in the world of literature.   I get it, you order books for your kids that they never read.  Believe me, I've ordered a few books for myself that I still haven't gotten to.  But books don't break down, they don't run out of batteries, and they are there when the power goes out.   If buying books for your child isn't an option, check out the library.  Free books!  You just have to return them AND make sure the dog doesn't eat them.  (This on the day that a student literally brought me back a book his dog ate.)

I'm not saying all schools are doing a knock out job of teaching reading. I'm not even claiming I do a knock out job of teaching reading.  But I will say that, like in many cases, when we point the finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing directly back at us.  Even as a reading teacher myself, I haven't always succeeded in promoting reading at home.  There are a loads of strategies I could have used to encourage my kids to read more, that I wish I would have used.  I'm lucky that one out of the four loves to read and I have high hopes for a second.  Hopefully it is never too late to learn to love reading because I cannot imagine where I would be today if it weren't for my love of literature.

Barbershop Harmony - It's not just for musicals

I have another blog in the works about the power of gospel music.  Also in the past I have blogged about other forms of music, artists and songs.  I briefly mentioned barbershop in one of those blogs, but today I've decided to take a little space and talk about barbershop music since it was such a huge part of my life growing up.  Enough that I shared barbershop with  my own kids and still listen to it today.

Barbershop harmony is a 4 part acapella (sung without any instruments) harmony consisting of the melody line being sung by the "lead", the highest harmonizing part being sung by the "tenor", the lowest harmonizing part being sung by the "bass" and the "baritone" filling in the missing part of the chord.  Barbershop began over a hundred years ago with its roots in the African American tradition in the south of quartets "cracking out a chord" at the local barbershop while waiting for their cut and shave.

My dad and his quartet, Simply Grand.

Barbershop was beginning to fade in 1928 when a few men, most notably O.C. Cash, decided to get together and celebrate by singing some of their favorite 4 part songs.  The next meeting included a few more friends to share in the love of singing and the third meeting had over 150 men singing on the rooftop of a hotel in Tulsa, OK.  This created quite a crowd as you can imagine and a newspaper writer saw a good story.  When he interviewed Cash, Cash claimed that they were part of this grand nationwide organization called "The Society for the Preservation and Encouragement of Barbershop Quartet Singing in America".  Reminder that at this time FDR was putting forth his "alphabet soup" of domestic policies.  This lengthly group name was indeed poking a little fun.  They had no idea that the name would stick.  "SPEBSQSA" is still active and internationally known today.

Growing up, our family vacations were mostly trips to various contests or conventions where my dad would perform with his quartets and choruses around the United States.  The years passed in a flurry of groups of 4 men gathering at each others' homes to practice.  Those practices were sometimes rushed after a hard days work or often family affairs with wives and children getting together as well.  We all became like family.  I grew up on potlucks, Super Bowl parties and campouts where singing was the glue that tied us all together.  When the Barbershop conventions came to town, a flood of barbershoppers would descend upon the hotels and restaurants surrounding the hotels.  Some of my favorite memories are riding in elevators or waiting in lobbies with a group of men at those conventions.  If there were all four parts of the harmony represented in the group, they were destined to break into song.  Every barbershopper worth his stripes knew the familiar tags to songs like Sweet Adeline and Hello My Baby.  And over the years, I grew to know them too.

I grew up loving barbershop harmony and everything associated with acapella music.  I used to delight in seeing a barbershop quartet depicted in TV or music.  It was like an instant connection to whatever I was watching.  Who doesn't love the old traditional barbershop quartet with the striped jackets and straw hats? Even my all time favorite show Friends has a few episodes where they used a barbershop quartet to send a singing telegram.  Don't click the link if you're offended by the phrase "Buttmunch"

Friends with quartet episode

Today's barbershop quartet is a far cry from the old Lida Rose/Music Man quartet.  Today's choruses and quartets perform everything from gospel to Disney to contemporary pop, rock or country.  You can find choruses to join or listen to in almost every major city and if you're more a fan of the female singing voice, there are a lot of Sweet Adeline groups out there too.  I even sang with the Sweet Adeline's in Harmony, MN for a few years.  Of course high school and high school stuff got in the way of that, but I'll always cherish those memories.

Speaking of memories, let's talk about this great moment.  This is one moment that I will never forget and I'm so thankful my mom got photographic evidence.  This was at Disney World, 1995.  In one of the barbershops they had the quartet "Dapper Dans" singing traditional barbershop harmony.  I know my dad sang one with them and then somehow they heard that I knew the female part to Lida Rose from Music Man.  This will always be a treasured memory, on a family vacation and getting to sing with the Dapper Dans for a small crowd at Disney World.

I have a million personal stories to share about contests, or campouts, or long drives to convention locations.  Instead of boring you all to tears, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quartets from a few years ago, singing one of my favorite songs of theirs.  Have you seen the fun kids' film, Little Patch of Heaven?  Enjoy!

Crossroads: Little Patch of Heaven

Love Languages

How many of you have read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?  I read it years ago when I was trying to save a relationship that honestly should not/could not be saved.  But it wasn't because of the failures of the love languages.  It was because said ex didn't care what my love language was.  In fact, I believe his response was something along the lines of the fact that it didn't matter what my love language was. I couldn't demand people love me a certain way and he would "love" me how he could love me and I could like it or not.  Sounds like a loving relationship, doesn't it?  Truthfully the basis of the problem with that relationship was evident in how hard I was working to trying to make it work.  As I've said before, if you're spending that much time trying to fix, repair or make a relationship work, it isn't worth fixing, repairing or the amount of effort you're putting in.  Love shouldn't be that hard. 

Love is something that requires some conscious effort though.  It isn't just what happens when it happens.  Thinking about our loved ones and how we can better love them is one part of that, but the fact that we care enough to wonder HOW we can make our loved ones know they are loved is the biggest telling factor there is.  Once someone else is important enough to you that you want them to know they are loved, the sky is the limit.  Once we make another person's happiness important to us, that is when we truly know what it means to love and be loved. 

So what are "love languages" you ask?  Truly you need to read the book to completely understand it all.  And I recommend his other books about love languages for your kids as well.  Understanding how someone feels loved is 100% the best way we can love them.  However, the basic premise behind the books is that there are 5 ways that people feel most loved.  Once you identify how your partner likes to be loved you can focus your energy on showing them the way they connect to the most.  Also, identifying your personal love language helps you to understand why you may or may not be noticing how your partner is loving you.  The truth is that we often SHOW love in the way we wish to RECEIVE love.   This can create problems. 

For example, my love language is personal touch.  I like to hold hands, cuddle, and hug.  I love hugs.  The best way that Tim can show me he loves me is to be physically close to me and demonstrate physical affection.  If we are driving in the car and he doesn't hold my hand, I start to get anxious and wonder if he is mad at me.  If I hug him and he doesn't respond by dropping what he is doing and hugging me back, I get all hurt.  HOWEVER,  if I were to guess what Tim's love language is, I would guess acts of service.  Knowing this helps me realize that when he is folding the laundry and I interrupt him by hugging him and he doesn't stop, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it means he is showing me that he loves me using the love language he knows best.  Tim is constantly doing things for me.  He works harder than any man I have ever known (except maybe my dad) and will come home and do some chore for me with the horses or unload the dishwasher.  He will wake up in the morning to help me with chores on his mornings off from milking or spend his free time shoveling snow to move a round bale in.  Nobody tell him how he can just show me he loves me by hugging me or I'm going to really ruin this good I've got going. 

I can also tell what his previous interactions with women were like.  Someone along the way convinced Tim that "receiving gifts" was their love language.  He loves to surprise me with little gifts like treats in my car, or a sweet card.  To be honest, I can tell you exactly which person taught me that same lesson so we both have gotten pretty good at that one.  Truthfully, gifts aren't my favorite way to know that I am loved.  But just because I am stronger in one area, doesn't mean I don't appreciate all of the love languages.  (For the record, Tim, I love the treats and cards you leave me - just make sure to follow them up with lots of hugs.) Having a strength or preferred love language doesn't mean you don't appreciate all the others as well.

Also something that I have noticed in myself is that my love languages have changed some over the years.  There was a time in my life when "words of affirmation" would not have been high on my list of love needs.  Years of emotional abuse has changed that for me.  Words of Affirmation is probably now second on my list of love languages.  I need that reassurance that I am loved and worthy of being loved in the eyes of those that matter to me.  If I had to guess I'd say that Words of Affirmation is a strong second to Physical Touch.  When you've been told for years that you are not worthy of being loved by different significant others, it isn't easy to be convinced that there is someone in the world who doesn't believe that. So yeah, tell me that - and often please. 

Again - I highly recommend purchasing and reading the book for you and your loved ones.  It isn't terribly long and is written in an easy to read format for all.  It's worth it for yourself and those you love for you to identify your personal love language, if for no other reason than self awareness.  If you don't have time right now to read the book, but are curious about your personal love language, there is an online quiz here  Click here that you can take to get a head start.  Make sure to answer honestly - no one else is watching.  There is also this paper and pencil version that may or may not be easy to read.

Whichever language you choose, make sure that you show your special someone that you love them every day  Remember, you don't always have to match their love language.  Each and every way you show someone you love them is important.  It's important that we constantly keep showing them we love them.

Journaling to me is....

Every year I start each of my classes with a few minutes of journaling.  Some students love this activity and others fight me tooth and nail.  You'd be amazed at the ways that students can avoid writing a few sentences.  This year we have been working on our growth mindset journals so the topics are all related to building our growth mindsets and moving forward with a more positive life.  I'd love to say my personal journal is like that.  Unfortunately, that isn't always true.  I do journal about the positive, but my journal is full of its own fair share of venting and recording of some of the crappier side of life. 

Why journal you ask?  I've always been the kind of person that deals with things by writing them down.  I can't tell you how often I have written pages of responses to people that I would never actually send.  It's a skill I have shared with my students and I hope they learn.  Instead of sending that snarky, sassy, or downright nasty text or email, write it down and delete it.  Then wait 24 hours and write a more compassionate and relaxed response.  It took me a long time to learn that, but here's hoping my kids learn faster than I did.  So instead of sending that email or text, I write it out in my journal.  Taking the high road is really hard.  I feel like the wealth of sarcastic and snide comments that I keep to myself is a huge waste of my dark sense of humor.  For example, when someone felt the need to try to point out how we are bad parents because we don't have a paper grocery list in our house my automatic response was "I do have a grocery list, ON MY PHONE.  Because you know, it's like 2019 and stuff.  It's called "technology"."  But did I send that back?   No.  Because responding to snide and sarcastic comments never ends well when dealing with hostile people.  Honestly, only myself - well and maybe my future great grandchildren - will ever see what I've written.   It kind of makes me laugh to think of what those future generations may say.  They are either going to think I'm incredibly witty (and salty) or one giant.......  Hopefully there is enough positive and good stuff that they know I was a good person, most of the time. 

As often as I vent about things that make me angry or responses I wish I could send, I write out what is bothering me or worrying me.  It might seem to others that by writing it out I am dwelling on the negative.  But the truth is that once I write it all out, it is almost like I've given it away.  Once it is written; the issues, problems, struggles, etc...I will often reread them and a solution will present itself, or I will realize that I've done everything I can and truly need to just let it go at that point.  These entries are also good to read months and years later.  I can see how I faced tough times and I can be more thankful for the positive direction my life is moving. 

Also included in my journal are keepsakes.  It does get quite thick quite fast.  I put in treasured cards from loved ones (and even a couple from students that were touching or make me happy.)  I have post it notes with little quotes or notes from family.  I have printed off blogs or journals that family have written.  I have my name tags from parent's night, pictures of cool trail obstacles, and pictures that students have drawn me.  Those happy memories take up some space but are totally worth it.  I never get tired of leafing through my journals and reading those sweet messages.  Those keepsakes make my day when I'm having a tough time. 

I use my journals to remember when things happened.  Sometimes we are like "when did we get Jinx" or "when was it that so and so was sick".  I can't remember what I had for dinner last night so trying to remember what happened a year or two ago is impossible.  My journals are practically a living/breathing timeline of events in our family.  Not only do I know what was happening.  I know how it made me feel (and possibly others as well).  Looking back at those memories is always interesting to see the growth or the progress from that point until the current day.  More often than not, events that were all consuming at the time are barely a blip on our personal radars months later.  It definitely has a way of putting life into perspective. 

Journaling makes me happy.  I know it isn't for everyone.  Journaling is highly personal and private.  Some people enjoy online journaling, I prefer a good old notebook with my favorite pen or pencil.  I tried online journaling but found I never looked back through them and worse - I feared the website shutting down eventually and losing it all.  I mean, who still listens to 8 tracks?  Everything technology based disappears down the road.  Paper and pencil is forever (or for as long as anyone will care about the thoughts and musings of Melissa).  Someday I will have stacks and stacks of notebooks (or my current favorite - the hard cover/lined book), to keep in a treasured spot.  I already have a good selection.  Maybe someday I should assign someone to dispose of them, but really - after I'm gone, who cares?  Maybe reading about how I felt like a failure because I never learned how to make cinnamon rolls or that I cried, a lot, about everything from horses to sad movies to the sweet things my kids said to me, will make their grandma, great grandma or great great grandma seem a little more human.  And maybe, someday, it will help my descendants know that they come by that emotional side quite honestly.