Love Languages

How many of you have read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?  I read it years ago when I was trying to save a relationship that honestly should not/could not be saved.  But it wasn't because of the failures of the love languages.  It was because said ex didn't care what my love language was.  In fact, I believe his response was something along the lines of the fact that it didn't matter what my love language was. I couldn't demand people love me a certain way and he would "love" me how he could love me and I could like it or not.  Sounds like a loving relationship, doesn't it?  Truthfully the basis of the problem with that relationship was evident in how hard I was working to trying to make it work.  As I've said before, if you're spending that much time trying to fix, repair or make a relationship work, it isn't worth fixing, repairing or the amount of effort you're putting in.  Love shouldn't be that hard. 

Love is something that requires some conscious effort though.  It isn't just what happens when it happens.  Thinking about our loved ones and how we can better love them is one part of that, but the fact that we care enough to wonder HOW we can make our loved ones know they are loved is the biggest telling factor there is.  Once someone else is important enough to you that you want them to know they are loved, the sky is the limit.  Once we make another person's happiness important to us, that is when we truly know what it means to love and be loved. 

So what are "love languages" you ask?  Truly you need to read the book to completely understand it all.  And I recommend his other books about love languages for your kids as well.  Understanding how someone feels loved is 100% the best way we can love them.  However, the basic premise behind the books is that there are 5 ways that people feel most loved.  Once you identify how your partner likes to be loved you can focus your energy on showing them the way they connect to the most.  Also, identifying your personal love language helps you to understand why you may or may not be noticing how your partner is loving you.  The truth is that we often SHOW love in the way we wish to RECEIVE love.   This can create problems. 

For example, my love language is personal touch.  I like to hold hands, cuddle, and hug.  I love hugs.  The best way that Tim can show me he loves me is to be physically close to me and demonstrate physical affection.  If we are driving in the car and he doesn't hold my hand, I start to get anxious and wonder if he is mad at me.  If I hug him and he doesn't respond by dropping what he is doing and hugging me back, I get all hurt.  HOWEVER,  if I were to guess what Tim's love language is, I would guess acts of service.  Knowing this helps me realize that when he is folding the laundry and I interrupt him by hugging him and he doesn't stop, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it means he is showing me that he loves me using the love language he knows best.  Tim is constantly doing things for me.  He works harder than any man I have ever known (except maybe my dad) and will come home and do some chore for me with the horses or unload the dishwasher.  He will wake up in the morning to help me with chores on his mornings off from milking or spend his free time shoveling snow to move a round bale in.  Nobody tell him how he can just show me he loves me by hugging me or I'm going to really ruin this good I've got going. 

I can also tell what his previous interactions with women were like.  Someone along the way convinced Tim that "receiving gifts" was their love language.  He loves to surprise me with little gifts like treats in my car, or a sweet card.  To be honest, I can tell you exactly which person taught me that same lesson so we both have gotten pretty good at that one.  Truthfully, gifts aren't my favorite way to know that I am loved.  But just because I am stronger in one area, doesn't mean I don't appreciate all of the love languages.  (For the record, Tim, I love the treats and cards you leave me - just make sure to follow them up with lots of hugs.) Having a strength or preferred love language doesn't mean you don't appreciate all the others as well.

Also something that I have noticed in myself is that my love languages have changed some over the years.  There was a time in my life when "words of affirmation" would not have been high on my list of love needs.  Years of emotional abuse has changed that for me.  Words of Affirmation is probably now second on my list of love languages.  I need that reassurance that I am loved and worthy of being loved in the eyes of those that matter to me.  If I had to guess I'd say that Words of Affirmation is a strong second to Physical Touch.  When you've been told for years that you are not worthy of being loved by different significant others, it isn't easy to be convinced that there is someone in the world who doesn't believe that. So yeah, tell me that - and often please. 

Again - I highly recommend purchasing and reading the book for you and your loved ones.  It isn't terribly long and is written in an easy to read format for all.  It's worth it for yourself and those you love for you to identify your personal love language, if for no other reason than self awareness.  If you don't have time right now to read the book, but are curious about your personal love language, there is an online quiz here  Click here that you can take to get a head start.  Make sure to answer honestly - no one else is watching.  There is also this paper and pencil version that may or may not be easy to read.

Whichever language you choose, make sure that you show your special someone that you love them every day  Remember, you don't always have to match their love language.  Each and every way you show someone you love them is important.  It's important that we constantly keep showing them we love them.