Give it to God

I’m having a hard time writing this blog as I feel like there are sure to be some people who will read the title and think to themselves, “Oh good, another preachy post” and tune me right out.  But I have to remind myself that I write this blog for me; for me to read, for me to vent, for me to share, for me to try to make sense of the tangle in my head.  Writing this blog often times takes the squiggly, preschool drawing that is my train of thought inside my brain, and scratches it out in a clear black line on a shiny white piece of paper.  (Although sometimes there are a few sidelines coming off on the way.)  

When I was planning this blog in my head, it started as a blog about personal strife, diverged to a blog about giving it to God and ended with my amazing husband.  And I thought, "no one will be able to keep up with that mess.  How embarrassing."  But you’re going to get it anyway, so either try to sit back and follow this journey of thought or feel free to click on by this one.  Either way, my feelings won’t be offended and it isn’t like I’ll ever top that “Haters Gonna Hate” blog that is now at over 54,000 views.  (Who would have thunk it?)

So personal strife.  Being a parent, what a challenge.  I saw a meme the other day that said “Ever had a job where you had no training, you weren’t allowed to quit and people’s lives were at stake? That’s parenting.”  It has never been more true than as we try to make our way through guiding a household of four teenagers with four different, strong personalities and two different families through the struggles of becoming adults.  There are days when the overwhelming sense of failure is crushing.  There are days when I look at Tim and I see him struggling or he looks at me and tells me everything will be okay and I just shake my head and say, “how in the hell are we supposed to do this?”  And boy, have I felt like that lately.  I’ve spent the last several days beating myself to a pulp mentally with all the ways I should have/could have done things differently.  But the fact of the matter is that I didn’t.  We didn’t.  And now we have to sit back and say, “what do we do now?”

Which brings me to the biggest realization in all of this.  We don’t do anything really.  There are just times in your life as a parent, your kids’ lives, your personal life, that you just have to do nothing.  Well, maybe not nothing.  I do one thing a lot.  Pray.  I pray and pray and talk to God and beg God to listen and help us, because maybe this isn’t my struggle.  Maybe I’m trying to fix something I’m not supposed to fix.  While this affects me and my loved ones, maybe this isn’t my path that God is working on.  Maybe it is my kids’.  I have to have faith in God’s plan and God’s purpose.  I have to believe that my kids will learn from this journey they are on.  God sees the big picture.  God knows what they need to learn and sometimes life’s lessons are really hard and they really suck.  But that’s what makes them lessons I guess.  So I’m doing everything I can do to give it to God.  

I’m sure that people are out there shaking their head that I am the one saying these words.  Melissa, who likes to have control over every inch of her life and all her ducks in a row is just “giving it to God”?  Yes, yes I am.  Because there are truly things in life that I can’t control.  Tim is always telling me that all we can do is “control the controllables”, and while it drives me batshit crazy when he says that, he’s so right.  I’m a fixer and a solver and a doer.  But sometimes the only thing we can do is let God’s plan be shown to us and get out the way.  

I know that in my past I have lived the Garth Brooks song, “Unanswered Prayers”.  For those of you that haven’t heard the song or may not remember the lyrics, they go as follows:

I have prayed for many things over the years that I am so thankful God ignored.  Not that he hasn’t answered my prayers at times too.  But the times when I felt he abandoned me or left me to hurt and struggle were truly the times he was with me the most.  They were the times that I needed to hurt to find my strength or times I needed to struggle to appreciate my blessings.  God knows what we need, when we need it and I need to learn to trust that.  I need to know that as I let go and give it to God.  

I haven’t always had support in my faith and I haven't always been as strong in my faith as I am today.  I've had ex’s who refused to attend church with me, to pray with me or laughed at me for wanting to attend church.  Church was viewed as a way to gain status in the community, not as a way to be closer to God and those who felt the way I did, which brings me to my greatest answered prayer of all.  So many of my unanswered prayers led to right where I am today, with a man who not only supports my faith, but strengthens it.  We may be from two slightly different worlds; Catholic and Lutheran, but our faith in God and God’s will is still the same.  And I have never felt stronger or more loved than I do when Tim and I pray together.  So if I ever needed proof that God's unanswered prayers work out in the end, Tim is enough living proof for me.

So as I drove to work today I prayed. I prayed for our kids, our ex's, our loved ones, those that struggle, those that hurt. I prayed for a forgiving heart, wise words of advice and to be a better person. I thanked God for all of our blessings, which are so many, and I asked him for the biggest support of all. I prayed for the strength to let go and give it to him. And almost immediately I felt God at work in me. For the first time this week I did not mess up my mascara on the drive to work and arrived feeling relieved, strong and even happy. God is at work in my heart as I pray he is for all of you.