Mare vs Gelding

I’m sure I will piss off a few people with my post today.  Nothing pisses off horse people faster than thinking that you are making fun of their horse.  We get all defensive and we stretch our fingers and get ready to type all the ways that we KNOW you are wrong, we are right and we will have story after story to prove ourselves.  So, first of all, calm the *(&%&$#@! down.  I am not saying this is true for ALL mares or ALL geldings.  I’m just sharing some funny observations I have made about most of the mares and most of the geldings we have had.  You may disagree.  I don’t really care.  I just had fun thinking about our current herd and most recent horses and coming up with their thoughts.

Without further ado, the difference between mares and geldings is quite notable.  Most mares are a little more sensitive than a gelding.  Geldings tend to be more lovey dovey.  There are all these stereotypes about both.  And there seem to be people who are either “mare” people or “gelding” people and a few souls out there who are truly “stallion” people.  I more of a “not a dickhead” person.  I don’t care what parts a horse has or doesn’t have, I just want them to be not a dickhead.  But when thinking about our current and most recent horses, I did laugh at the incredibly different way they react to many many things.  So I imagined what they would say if they could talk.  Caution - there will be profanity.  I’m pretty sure China (or Peach/Cutie) swears like a sailor.

When bringing food:

Gelding - “Where you going to put the food?  I love food.  Food is my favorite.  Does Sully need some food?  He can have some of mine if he wants.”

Mare - “Where the hell are you going?  Obviously I am standing right here where the food goes.  Put the food in my feeder.  And you there, you little shit.  Back away.  I’m warning you.  I will kick your ass if you look at my food.  This is my food and I get the most because, well I NEED it.”  

When going to catch them:

Gelding - “Oh hi there!  What are you doing today?  Oh a halter!  Are we going for a ride?  That sounds like fun. Here, let me come closer so you don’t have to walk so far.”

Mare - “Oh good Lord, you again.  If you don’t have food do you really need to keep bothering me?  Wait, a halter?  Are you effing kidding me?  Fine.  Let’s get this over with.”

When riding:  

Gelding - “Oh look at that puddle, let me walk around it for you.  No, we are going through, okay.  You’re the boss.  Eww, maybe I don’t want to.  Okay okay - you said I have to, fine.  Water.  Puddle.  Check.”

Mare - “WTF do we need to go through the puddle for?  It’s a damn puddle and I can get around it over here.  I just had my toes done.  I do not NEED to get my feet wet just because you say so.”

When working on lope transitions:

Gelding - “What?  Stop?  Lope?  I’m confused.  Stop again?  What the heck?  Oh.. if I lope off this way you’re happy?  I will do it that way from now on.  If I forget, just remind me.”

Mare - “Lope. Stop. Lope. Stop.  Make up your damn mind because you’re pissing me off.  If you can’t decide what you want to do, I’ll dump your ass on the ground and you can think about it from down there.”  

After getting smacked for some kind of unruly behavior:

Gelding - “Wow.  That tickled a little.  I’m sorry you’re not happy with my behavior.  I’ll do my best not to do that again.”

Mare - “WHAT THE EVER LOVING ….?  Did you just STRIKE me?  ME?!  You have a death wish?  Sheesh.  I’m like sorry or something.  Remind me not to piss you off ever again.”  

After getting rubbed on for good behavior:

Gelding - “Awww, thank you.  That feels so good.  I’m so glad you’re happy.”

Mare - “Right.  It’s about damn time.  Thank you, that feels amazing.  Can we be done now?”

When taking their buddy away from the pasture:

Gelding - “Nooooo…. please don’t take my friend.  I love them.  Where are they going?  Bring them back!  Don’t forget about me!  Can you hear me?  I can whinny louder. Please return.  I’ll never forget you.  Come bacccckkkkk!!!”

Mare - “Good, he’s gone.  He was getting on my last nerve.”

At the show:

Gelding - “This is just like at home.  Should be fun. Let’s show them what we know.”

Mare - “This is NOT like at home.  We don’t have that lawn chair.  Our bridge is a different shape.  Those horses are not my friends, I had better prove to them I am the boss.  It’s too windy.  It’s too hot.  That sand is too deep.  This saddle feels different.  The trailer smells funny.  That person is looking at me wrong.”

Being washed, clipped and banded:

Gelding - “That water is kind of relaxing.  Ugh - I don’t really like it in my face.  Oh!  That tickles!  Don’t growl at me, I’ll stand still.”

Mare - “Holy crap woman!  That water is cold.  Do I look like I need a cold shower? Drowning, I’m drowning, I can’t breathe!  And dang it stop tickling me - I’ll kick your face in and see if you still want to tickle me.  Oh wait - I’m going to be pretty?  Okay - just get it done quickly.  My fans await.”

When practicing a drill at home:

Gelding - “Do do do… la di da.  Let’s do it again.  This is fun.  I love seeing how many times we can do this.”  

Mare - “Is this what you wanted?  I did it correct the first time.  Can we be done now?”

I'm sure some of you think I have a vendetta against mares after reading this blog. On the contrary, if I were to pick one, I'd be a "mare" person. All my personal horses are mares. Maybe I just agree with them? Maybe I can connect with them better. Wait.... maybe we are a lot alike! Whatever the case may be, I'm off to ride my mares! Happy trails everyone!