So your friend is in a relationship with a narcissist you say. And not just the guy or gal who is kind of cocky and stuck on themselves, but a real knock down, drag out, manipulative, abusive narcissist. What should you do? You’re not going to like my answer. I’ve had a few people approach me with this exact situation wanting to know how to help their friend or family member in the same situation I was in for too many years to count. They all want to know what to do or say. And I tell them the same thing, you’re not going to like the answer. But as my best friend will tell you, the answer to that question is easier said than done. The answer is…
Nothing. You can’t do or say anything to help them get out of the situation they are in. They need to get themselves out of the situation. I guess, maybe I’m not being 100% honest or clear here. There is something you can do to help them. You can love them. You can let them know you support them. You can stand by them. In fact, if you want to call yourself their friend, you probably should be doing all of those things. Sometimes it will be really hard. Sometimes you will want to scream at them and shake them and get them to wake up and see the truth about their partner. Here’s what I’m going to try to explain, no amount of tough love on your part is going to wake them up. I know, because I lived it.
Narcissists are very very good at what they do. Most of them have had loads of practice with manipulating people. And each time their relationships go south because an ex finally figured them out, they learned from it. The learned how to prepare better, lie better, cover better, they learned how to make their story better. Believe me when I tell you they have laid the groundwork.
The groundwork includes what they call lovebombing. It’s devious, it’s methodical and they are good at it. They take the normal beginning stages of a relationship and magnify it times a thousand. There is a heaping dose of flattery mixed with making all of the target’s dreams come true. There will be songs and song lyrics, there will be convincing them that they are their hero or knight in shining armor, there will be presents, treats, flowers, you name it. Whatever they can do to make the target feel like they are the best thing that ever happened to them and neither of them can live without the other. They make their target feel as if they have finally found the one person who understands them, loves them completely and would never ever hurt them.
They also lay groundwork about their past to cover up what they have done. There will be a host of people who have treated them badly, a line of “crazy” exs and a list of their own good deeds a mile long. They will make sure they have their side preplanned for anyone or any circumstance that may seem suspicious. My ex had abusive parents, crazy ex’s and for added benefit, he was a hero who often took on all these women with problems because he was trying to help them and then the poor guy got abused or taken advantage of. He had a story for every one of his ex’s (well at least the ones he was relatively sure I would find out about) that made him sound like the hero that had been taken advantage of.
So when the strategy switches from love bombing and the abuse really starts to take hold, it will be so subtle and slow, your friend will not notice. The narcissist will preface everything with that they are trying to “help” them. After all, they truly love your friend so they would “never hurt them”. So all of the putdowns, the criticisms, the trying to control and change behavior is to “help” your friend be a better person. They will make the target feel like less of a person and all the while convincing them that the narcissist knows better and only loves them and wants to help them. They will change the story so often your friend will begin to question their own sanity. There were times when I would bring up something that happened or something said and my ex would completely convince me that I had the facts/memories all wrong. That I couldn’t even remember what was actually said or what actually happened, maybe it was my anger or my anxiety that caused me to remember things that never happened or things he never said. I was blown away at how I was “losing my mind”. It is impossible to explain how they can take a fairly confident, intelligent person and make them entirely dependent on the narcissist for a new reality. Look up gaslighting and if you’re not horrified, you’re not human. It’s real, it happens and it is ugly.
Now, listen up. Because the other thing the narcissist will work to do is to isolate their target. Their goal will be to get that person completely alone so they will have no one else to turn to but them and so that there will be no one left to question their authority or control. This is also slowly done, but it starts with every time you, as their friend, question the relationship. Every time you question the narcissist or the relationship, the narcissist will try to make your friend think that you are trying to destroy their happiness, you’re jealous of their new found “love”, you have never really been a good friend, you name it. Anything they can do to try to make you out to be the bad guy so your friend will not have you in their lives to support them.
Here’s my advice. Don’t give the narcissist any ammunition to use against them. Be there for your friend, keep reminding them that you think they are amazing, beautiful and strong. Remind them that you are always there for them. Nod and smile and bite your tongue if you have to, but do not talk badly about the narcissist. EVEN if your friend vents to you, you can agree with them, but do not add any fuel to the fire. Because when the narcissist begs their way back into the relationship, it will be without you in it.
Your friend doesn’t need a lecture. Your friend doesn’t need to be told they are making a giant mistake. Believe me, in their gut, they know. They know that what is happening to them isn’t right. They know that they aren’t being treated the way they should. They just don’t believe they deserve better yet. They have been convinced that they want more than they should and that things really are better than they think. What they do need is someone telling them they are good enough. Hey, maybe you even tell them about your other “friend” who is in a situation with a narcissist. You could share some info about narcissism nonchalantly as you discuss this hypothetical friend. But be careful. Should they find out they’ve been lied to, you will be voted off the island and that’s a scary island to leave your friend alone on.
When, if your friend manages to pull themselves out of this abusive relationship, they will need you more than ever. They will blame themselves for being dumb enough to get sucked into this relationship. They will blame themselves for the hurt they put their friends and family through. They will have a shattered self image and zero confidence in their ability to make the right decisions. Keep reminding them that they’ve got this! They were sucked into the relationship because they are a good person who believes the best in people. Remind them that you are there for them and that it will get better. And always always remind them of the following.
There is a ton of reliable information on narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder and healing from the trauma of a relationship with one. I highly recommend the following website as a jumping off point. The more you know, the better able you will be able to support your friend or family member and the better you will be able to direct them towards help when they are ready.
I wish I had better words of advice or I could give you hope that your friend would listen to you and make better choices. I can’t do that. I can tell you that it will be one of the toughest things you can ever do for your friend, but once on the other side, they will be ever grateful. Hang in there!
No comments:
Post a Comment