There has been a Facebook status going around to try to bring awareness to sexual harassment and abuse. The status reads: “If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me too’ as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem. Copy, paste and share.
It did exactly that. Especially as we watched our friends share and share and share. The flood of “Me too’s” on my newsfeed was staggering. And that was just the people willing to share. Because there are a lot of people who don’t want to share. And at first I was one of them.
Here is the really crazy thing that went through my head. I didn’t want to make it look like I thought I was all that and so hot that men wanted me. It almost felt like bragging to post that I had been sexually harassed or abused. Now, before you start shaking your head, I don’t think I’m the only one. How sad is that? How programmed are some of us to think that we would be ridiculed or viewed as egotistical because we were abused? That’s extremely sad. And that is part of the problem. A very big problem that keeps getting swept under the rug or reduced to shrugging our shoulders and saying “it is what it is”. Well, it isn’t what it should be and we need to stand up and do something about it.
But I am going to share one of my stories. One. You read that right. That means there have been multiple times. And I’m not unique. But why share now? I can tell you why, because I shared it with my girls and I shared it with them to warn them to be careful and to tell them it happens to almost every one. I don’t want them to grow up thinking it is anything they did wrong, or something they should be ashamed of so I vow to model that behavior every chance I get.
I distinctly remember I was a sophomore out at some graduation parties with a friend of mine. We were a small school and even a couple of grades apart didn’t separate us as friends. I had had enough cake and punch and wanted to go home but my friend was still hanging out. I think she had a crush on someone there or something. A mutual friend of ours, senior, offered to drive me home. We were driving home when all of sudden he pulled onto a minimum maintenance road. When I asked where we were going he pulled over and literally climbed on top of me, kissing me and getting physical. I tried pushing him off and struggling against him to no avail. Then I blurted out the only thing that popped into my head. “My dad is going to kill you.”
Apparently my dad had a reputation and the young man knew I wasn’t kidding because that was all it took. I got a ride home and dropped off and we never talked about it again. I don’t think I even mentioned it to any of my friends. Most likely for the same reason I didn’t want to post “me too” on my Facebook status. I was afraid of what people would say. And that is a HUGE problem. Everyone who tries to tell me that we don’t live in a rape culture. Listen up, that right there is not just me. That is how almost every single girl or woman feels. Don’t report because of what people will say about you. “She’s just making it up.” “She wants attention.” “She asked for it.” “What did she think would happen?” “Did you see what she was wearing?” Victim blaming is very real and it happens. All the time.
I’m sharing my story because I’ve gotten to the age and maybe the cynicism that I don’t care if people blame me. Was I stupid to think the guy was just going to give me a ride home and not expect “payment”? Maybe? I can tell you I have given many rides to girls/women over the years and never expected them to put out. And not all men are bad either. I’ve gotten rides from lots of guys over the years that were very good to me. But the truth is, I’m going out on a limb here and state that men don’t get in a car with a woman and worry about being taken advantage of. Men aren’t taught how to carry their keys to create the most damage. Men will park in parking ramps and not think twice about being raped or assaulted. Men don’t call each other to make sure they make it home okay. Men don’t have to wear special nail polish to make sure there isn’t a date rape drug in their drink. I saw a quote the other day that said something along the lines of, the difference between guys and girls is that from the minute they are tiny, we’ve been teaching our daughters how not to get raped. When maybe, we should be teaching our sons not to be rapists.
If I say the phrase “rape prevention” to you, what starts going through your head? Think about that for a minute. Here, let me give you the space….
So… what did you come up with? I’m guessing you had ideas like:
- Don’t wear provocative clothing like short skirts or shirts that show cleavage.
- Have someone escort you at night.
- Always travel with at least two of you.
- Carry mace, a whistle or some other noise device.
- Etc…. If you’re a woman, you can continue to fill in this list as you have heard it all before.
What if our rape prevention looked more like this?
I know, seems crazy, doesn't it? It almost seems like a joke. Which really is the scary thing. Think about that for a little bit.
If you don't believe in gender inequality, think about how many people are afraid of being called a feminist. I didn't say women, I said people. Yep, there are male feminists. I bet I know what some of you are thinking, they must be gay. Nope. Not at all. And here's what else I'm sick of hearing. I'm sick of hearing that feminists are either lesbian, tomboys or butch, ugly, fat, can't get a man, bitter, hate men, etc.... None of which are true. I'm not any of those, but I am a feminist. I love men and women, well people in general. But I do feel like there are gender inequalities that need to be changed. I can't shout it enough.
It all starts small and if we write off that behavior as "boys will be boys" or shoving anything under the rug, we set our society up to be complacent about a lot bigger issues. We need to start at the bottom and allow not even the "little things" to be okay. It's all not okay. All. Our culture needs to be working towards change.
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