Today, while I had my kids out at a movie and was complaining about the cold and the snow, another mom was spending her first day without her son or daughter. Another father was starting the rest of his life without his child. A husband learning to live alone or a daughter missing her daddy. A brother or sister was trying to imagine life as an only child, a family was learning to live without their loved one and friends are sorting through old memories wondering how. How could this happen? How could they get to this point in their life, how could they have felt that the only way out was to take their own life? The answer to that question is we won’t and will never know or understand.
What I do know from my time dealing with depression is that it isn’t just a bad day. It isn’t just feeling low or feeling sad. It isn’t something you can make better by reading a positive quote, having someone tell you that it “isn’t that bad” or getting a hug. Those things all help, but depression is so much more than just a bad day or even a bad couple of days. Depression makes you feel like you are that horrible of a person, things are never going to get better and everyone would be better off without you. And even those who do say they need you or love you, you convince yourself they are just saying that because they have to.
Even at my lowest point, and I was pretty low, I knew that I could not commit suicide. Not that it didn't cross my mind, but then I thought about my two girls and what would happen to them if I was gone and I knew, I knew I couldn't do that to them. They saved my life and I have promised myself ever since that I would work to make sure that no one I know and love feels like I did and knows that I need them in my life as much as they needed me in theirs.
While stumbling across resources for this blog, I came upon these 23 messages which are advice for people considering suicide by people who have been there. I don't think my words even come close to some of the great advice I found in these quickly read snippets of advice.
Check them out here: Advice for those with suicidal thoughts
This one really hit me. “Don’t be ashamed of your suicidal thoughts. They don’t make you a bad person or make you weak. They are just a symptom of a mental disease, just like chest pain is a symptom of heart disease. When we experience symptoms, it’s time to seek help, regardless of the disease. Chest pains don’t make a heart patient weak or bad, and neither do any of your thoughts.” — Jennifer Sladden
This is how it was for me. This is how I felt. Ashamed. All the time ashamed. Ashamed of what I had done with my life, how I had messed up my life, my kids, my future. My therapist asked me one day what goals I had in life. Big or little. Goals for tomorrow or the next week, month, year or even better, 5 years down the road. I had none. Because I literally wasn't thinking of getting there. I was thinking of getting through today. That really woke me up. There is something to be said for taking each day, one day at a time. But when you're living your life without any thoughts beyond the next 24 hours we have a problem.
I can't thank my girls, my friends and my therapist enough for getting me through those days. It's true what they say about depressed people doing a great job of faking it. At least I thought I was. But the nights were the hardest, or any time I was alone. It got to where I wouldn't allow myself to be alone. I went anywhere and did anything I could not to be alone with my thoughts. But here I am on the other side. What do I want everyone to know?
Stop judging. I know I've said it before, but I can't say it enough. Stop saying how weak people who commit suicide are. Most people with depression are the strongest people you would ever meet. They fight a war inside their own damn heads every single minute of every day and put on a fake smile while they are doing it. Stop saying they just need to stop sleeping and get out and get some fresh air. They are literally exhausted. Physically and mentally exhausted. It's like telling a person with a broken leg to just walk it off. They are sick, not lazy. Stop telling them that it isn't that bad. It is that bad, to them. Tell them you understand and are there for them. Tell them they don't have to face it alone, but never diminish their worth by saying what they aren't feeling isn't a big deal. And lastly, stop telling them how much worse they could have it. Because believe me, they know. But when you tell them that, all you do is add to their guilt and shame. The guilt and shame they feel for being so weak and not being able to pick themselves up.
Start thinking about how you can help. How can you help your loved ones, friends and family, know that you are there for them? How can you get them the help they need? How can we help everyone feel better about themselves and what they are going through? Be understanding and be kind.
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