When you reread old journals...

Going through things to start the moving process and trying to downsize has led to stumbling across things that I packed away a year ago.   One of the things I discovered where old journals.  You're probably not surprised to know that I journal personally and I also keep this blog.  Those old journals sure have a variety of everything, but they are unfiltered and a chronicle of not only the events in my life, but how each event shaped who I have become today.

I journal about everything.  I paste in little notes from my kids, students and real life, memories, little pictures that I find, tickets, you name it.  There are articles that I've printed out, or pages from books that I really loved that I make a copy of and glue in.  It's like a living, breathing reminder of little snippets of moments in time.  When I read these journals they come alive and my past doesn't seem such a distant memory, I can see it through my very own younger and dumber eyes.

Reading through some of these I could start to feel pretty down about myself.  One journal picks up when I started therapy.  It's truly incredible to read through.  Depression, anxiety, guilt, fear, all laid out page after page.  I was working really hard at happiness.  Like REALLY hard.  Every entry details the things I was reading, what I was researching, what I was asking myself, how I struggled to try to find the light every day and be a better mother, teacher, friend, and family member.   There is advice from my therapist, books I was reading, websites, even Dr. Phil made his way between those pages.  It makes me sad to see how long I struggled against myself, how hard I worked to just face what head, heart and mind were trying to tell me.  Not to quote the same Meridith Grey quote again, but that entire journal (and year of my life) revolved around this quote.

So I could get down on myself and be angry with myself over wasted time and how dumb I was.  Why did I work so hard to convince myself that I could be happy with so much less than a person deserves?  I can't answer that, but I can reflect on the good that has come of that time and learn from it, grow from it and try to share it with others.

I often share how I wish I had met Tim sooner so we could have had more of our firsts together, but he always reminds me (to the point where I say it before he says it now) that we wouldn't be the people we are today if it weren't for the life lessons we had along the way.  He is so right, (ssshh don't tell him I said that), especially after reading these journals.

One thing I do know is that I will never judge anyone again who is struggling with depression or anxiety.  Rereading those blogs brought home again just what a constant struggle it was to face each day and even worse, the nights.  Never take for granted the ability to fall asleep and stay asleep.  As much as I joke about how now I wish I could stay awake past 8:30, truthfully I'm so glad that falling asleep is no longer a problem for me.

I also have learned more about the different ways to manage your emotions and be kind to others than I ever thought possible.  Some of it I had forgotten, so it was good to reread.  I've donated most of the books from that time of my life, some to Goodwill and some to our faculty book swap on health, but those books and websites and apps taught me more than I could have ever imagine and I'm thankful that I recorded the highlights in my journal.  And the therapy, the notes from the therapy, the questions he made me work on at home, they are all priceless.  The best piece of advice though came at the very end of that journal which coincidentally I stopped when I broke up with my ex.  It was advice from my therapist that I took and turned into advice for myself.

"Happiness isn't supposed to be this much work.  You're surrounding yourself with mental illness every single day and literally drowning in it.  You need to stop.  Stop trying to figure out why and just live each day.  Figure out what is preventing you from being happy and let that go.  Let it all go, wash your soul and start over if you have to."

And that's exactly what I did.