Dating someone with anxiety

Recently I sat down with a very good friend who is going through the loss of a relationship.  She is much like me and struggles with anxiety in general, but also struggles with what they lovingly refer to as "relationship anxiety".   I'm sure there isn't a human being alive that doesn't appreciate having someone be able to, not just sympathize with your personal struggles, but be able to empathize as well.  There is something to be said for the friend that can go, "Oh honey - me too!  That's exactly how I feel, react or respond in the same situation!"  It makes you feel a little less crazy and a little more normal to know you're not alone.

What do I mean by relationship anxiety?  It's rather difficult to explain and I assure you that I am no expert.  I'm well aware that while you can suffer from something, it surely doesn't mean to are a professional in the department.  It does mean that I can give you some personal insight.  Everyone experiences anxiety at various points in their lives; from the time you're asked to give an oral book report in school to walking onto that college campus for the first day.  There are times when anxiety is good because it pushes you to do or be better, like studying for that test that you're nervous about.  There are times, though, when anxiety can be debilitating.

It's kind of like this.  Have you ever thought about the worst case scenario?  You know, where you're making some decision and you think to yourself what's the worst that could happen?  People with anxiety do that all day and about EVERYTHING, and their worst case scenario usually ends with something catastrophic.  For example, if you're applying for a job and you think to yourself before the interview, "What's the worst that can happen?"  You might reply, "I'll just keep the job I have" or "McDonalds is also hiring."   A person with anxiety thinks, "I have no chance to get this job, I won't get any job, I'm going to lose the house/car/kids, I'm going to live in a cardboard box down by the river and get addicted to wine."  Okay, I'm having a little fun here at the end, but it really isn't much of an exaggeration either.  My therapist once asked me "what's the worst that can happen" and sat back.  I literally started laughing.  I believe my exact response was, "oh, I'm really good at this game" and proceeded to amaze him at the level I could go to with "worst case scenario".  Once he said, "but will you die?" and my response was "sometimes".

And then there are the anxiety attacks, the end result of all this overthinking.  Where you feel like you can't breathe, can't catch your breath.  Your heart pounds, you gasp for air and all the while you feel like you are dying.  Not the over dramatized "I'm dying" of a man cold taking over, but an actual real feeling that you are having a heart attack or literally suffocating on nothing.  Coming back from that feeling, sometimes all on your own, takes Herculean efforts.

There are a lot of things people can do to help deal with their anxiety.  I've researched, learned and studied so many.  Breathing practices help a tremendous amount.  Meditation, mindfulness, CBT training, apps, etc... all are in my arsenal of weapons against anxiety.  I've read piles of books, listened to webcasts and youtube videos, completed programs, you name it.  I have learned to, not only cope, but improve my anxiety.  I'm much less likely to get a full blown anxiety attack any more.  In fact, I think I've only had two in the last year.  There are a lot of things that those who suffer from anxiety need to do to take care of themselves, but there are things that our loved ones can do for us too.

As my friend and I were discussing our failed relationships and the effects of those relationships on our significant others we realized a few things.  Those who choose to love someone with anxiety probably should be given a "How to" book and a medal.  It's kind of like a combat zone and crash course in psychiatry all rolled into one.  If you're brave enough to love someone with anxiety, let me give you a few pointers.

Tips for dating someone with anxiety:

1.  No games, I mean none.   Don't play any of those fun games like ignoring them, not texting them back to get them to sweat, talking about other men/women that are interested in you to make them jealous, etc...  People with anxiety don't play games.  They get anxious, overthink, go to worst case scenario and give up.  If you continue to play games and create more anxiety, pretty soon you won't have anyone to play games with.

2.  Tell them you love them and don't be afraid to tell them why.  Give compliments, remind them they are loved.  I had an ex that told me it wasn't his job to make me feel good about myself by giving me a lot (or any) compliments.  In his mind, I needed to do that for myself.  He was right to a point, a person does need to love themselves without the help of being showered with compliments.  But when it comes to relationships, those that suffer from anxiety need that reassurance, maybe more often than you feel is necessary.  If you're not willing to love them enough to give it, get out of the way for someone who will. 

3.  Keep them in the loop about your life.  We aren't asking you to ask permission.  You don't need to ask if you can go out with the guys/girls for a drink after work, but please do us the courtesy of letting us know.  It's the unknown that scares the crap out of us.  When left to wonder, we are really good at wondering.  Wondering if you don't love us, wondering if you are cheating on us, wondering if you are dead.  You may think I'm exaggerating.  Ask Libby what happens if she doesn't text me back promptly.  First it's "where are you?" and in the span of a few unanswered texts it comes to the fact that I'm sure she's slipped in the shower, hit her head on the faucet and is bleeding out and dying.  So just let us know what's up and don't be afraid to send a "gonna be a few minutes late" text too.

4.  Do not ever compare us to your past relationships.  Never tell us we are like your ex because we are nagging, controlling or some other negative trait of your choosing.  Even worse, hint that you wish we were more like your ex sexually, in looks, in habits,  or not as good as something you loved about your ex.  We are already doing that constantly, especially if we know your ex or have seen pictures of your ex.  Believe me, we have measured ourselves against your ex's and found ourselves falling short.  We don't need you to hint at or remind us of that.  This can even be an offhand comment that you don't think twice about, be prepared for us to blow it out of proportion.  Sometimes it isn't even going to be you.  Maybe a family member discusses how funny your ex was or how pretty.  Let me count the ways that a person with relationship anxiety can turn that into a personal disaster....

5.  Communicate, communicate, communicate.  If you don't fill in the blanks with the truth, we will fill in the blanks for you and you don't even want to KNOW the kinds of stuff our minds can come up with.   If you're having a bad day and need some quiet time or just aren't acting yourself, we will notice.  We will ask you what is wrong.  If you reply "nothing" or "I'm fine", we will not be fooled.  If you won't tell us what is bothering you, you had better believe we are going to fill in the blanks.  In two shakes of a lamb's tail (an idiom that does not get used nearly enough anymore), we will have you cheating, leaving us, sick with a terminal illness or just sick of our crap.  It will always be our fault and our worst case scenario will always have us alone and unwanted.  Even if you have some embarrassing reason for your quiet time, even if it truly us that you are annoyed with but you don't want to hurt our feelings, please communicate.  We can handle the truth, it is almost never as bad as the shitty story we've made up in our heads.

6.  Don't push.  Don't surprise.  Don't overwhelm, especially at the beginning of the relationship.  I know I let Tim down a few times at the beginning of our relationship.  He's a very social person who loves being around people and being at things.  My anxiety makes that hard for me sometimes.  So there were things he invited me to that I just could not go to.  There are things that you will want to go do where even the thought of going to them causes us to have an anxiety attack.  Large crowds are usually a no go.  Meeting all the family at once, maybe not.  Surprise parties or surprising us with anything really, not a dream date.  Just a little more time, a little more space and a lot more patience goes a long ways. 

7.  Do not make fun of our anxiety and do not call us crazy, tell us we are overreacting, even in joking.  Our anxiety is no joke.  If we poke fun at ourselves, please know it is a defense mechanism.  We are vividly aware of anxiety, it looks us in the face all the time and we are embarrassed by it.  We don't need others to remind us about how "funny" we act, we know.  What we need is support.  

8.  Do not lie to us, even those little white lies that you think do no harm.  People with relationship anxiety have been lied to in the past, usually a lot, about really big stuff.  They require 100% honesty in any new relationship.  Obviously, it's never good to lie in any relationship, but for some reason people think they should lie to those with anxiety to "protect" us from the truth.  While we may appreciate you caring enough to want to protect us, honesty is the only way to protect us from our own thinking.  If you lie to us about the little stuff, we will assume you're lying about the big stuff too.  

There are loads of little things to remember, but most fall under the general umbrella of the 8 tips listed above and one more key word; patience.  Every relationship requires patience, being in a relationship with someone with anxiety requires, as they say, the patience of a saint.  Hopefully you will see that loving us is worth it.  

What is Anxiety? (A blog to help us understand)

All we ask is that you give us a chance.  We know that loving us through our anxiety is not easy.  Please know that we are beating ourselves up about that fact all the time.  But if you give us a chance, if you're willing to love us through it, we will reward you in every way we possibly can.  You need to know that even opening ourselves up to the possibility of love was a choice that spent hours, days, maybe weeks talking ourselves through.  We fought against our own demons to even allow you in and now that you're here, we will keep fighting for us with everything we have.

* At times we may seem clingy, needy or in constant need of affection.  The flip side is that we will always be there to give you affection when you need it and who doesn't love to cuddle?  I hear it actually is medically, scientifically good for you.  Check that out!  Loving us can make you healthier.  I'm like one big granola bar. 


* We will love you fiercely and whole heartedly and we won't be afraid to show it.  Mushy cards, texts, letters, gifts, once you have our trust we will give you our heart and soul.  Don't abuse it.


* We never want to be the source of any of your pain.  We know what that is like and we will do anything in our power to not cause you to feel the way we have.  We are very protective of your feelings, sometimes at the expense of our own.


* We know a crap-ton about mental health and dealing with stress/anxiety.  There will be stressful times in your life when you will be glad to have us there to help.  Bonus is that it makes us feel useful and needed when you ask us how to cope.


* You won't wonder or miss things.  We have mastered the use of calendars, reminders, organizers, binders, apps, you name it.  We are a bit of an overachiever in this area because forgetting things or being late stresses us out.    (Most of the time and obviously some more than others.)


* No games!  While this is something to be aware of, it is also something that will be a huge relief.  People with anxiety don't play games.  We will tell you how it is and we won't leave you hanging. 


* Once you gain our trust, you will have an unconditional love for all times.  If you never betray that trust, you will have the fiercest of allies, the greatest of loves by your side.

Mostly remember that we didn't ask you to fall in love with us, you wanted in and we let you.  Be respectful of the boundaries we need and we will reward you tenfold.  I know I'm lucky enough to have the most supportive and loving husband anyone with anxiety could ever ask for.  I also know he isn't the only "unicorn" out there.  My wish is that all my anxiety burdened friends find their own special someone who understands and lifts them up the way my does.