That said, the reason I ran into him is because he was watching his new girlfriend play volleyball at the same location as one of my kids was having practice. Yeah, his new girlfriend. Here in lies the purpose behind the blog. I think one of the hardest parts about the "after" of being with a narcissist is the sideline after. It's where you have to watch them start the cycle all over again and know that there is nothing you can do about it. Literally nothing. It's an incredibly helpless feeling.
When I approached some of my ex's exes (sounds like a country western song) about our relationship ending, the common theme was we wished there was something we could do to protect future women. One even apologized for not telling me sooner about all the things he had done in his past; like the 8 women in the few years before me, the lying, the cheating, the second wife, the ..... you get the idea. But, as I told her, the truth is I probably wouldn't have believed her anyway. He's very good at the love bombing stage. Very good.
I couldn't help but think of that as I watched him there with her. I thought back to how he started out coming with me to things I liked too. I remember him acting like horse shows and horses were really his thing. Later that would become laughable as he did everything in his power to ruin every horse show, make me feel guilty for even owning horses and telling me to get rid of them. And here he was pretending he was going to become a volleyball fan. *insert laughing hysterically emoji here* Except it is not going to be funny, for her. Someday she's going to question what she did wrong. She's going to wonder how he changed so much or maybe she just imagined that he came to things. He's going to tell her he never liked going and why does she act like he did, that's not the way it was. And she's going to think she's losing her mind. I know because I lived it. And so did the other victims, uhhh.. I mean exes.
He showed up in my timeline of memories today on Facebook. (Which sometimes is the stupidest thing Facebook does. Who needs to see some of that crap first thing in the morning? Thankfully I've learned to delete those memories so they won't show up again the next year around.) It happened to be a picture of me that he had taken when we first started talking. A picture that a couple years later he would delete from his Facebook and when I questioned him why he deleted it, he would claim he never took the picture and he had no idea what he was talking about. He claimed he wasn't sure why I would "make up" such a story. I almost took a screenshot and sent it to him, but then I remembered my firm "no contact with psychos" rule. Along with that picture, his new profile picture was there in the little circle of him and his new girlfriend.
Two thoughts went through my head. 1 - Dang it, she looks so nice and sweet - poor thing. 2 - I wonder how long before he deletes that picture and tells her she is crazy for thinking such a picture ever existed. The deleting of you off his Facebook happens when he starts wanting to date other women on the side or have online relationships. I give it a year. And then you will try to post something on his Facebook and he will say he doesn't want his timeline cluttered up with stuff so he's stopped allowing that kind of thing. And you'll ask where this picture or that picture went and he will say he has no idea what you're talking about. It happens. Hey, maybe I should send her the folder of screenshots from his email and Facebook messenger of all the women he was trolling when he lived with me and was in a relationship with me? That ought to scare the bejezus out of her.
You may wonder why I don't say anything to this poor woman. What would you say? "Hi, you don't know me, but the guy you're dating is an ex of mine. He's a narcissist and he is going to try to ruin you." What would you say if someone came up to you and said that about this amazing man you met online? This man that has already moved into your life, your kids have met and seems like a dream come true. He says all the right things, sends you gifts, tells you that he has struggled with relationships in the past but you, you are the one he has always been looking for. You REALLY get him. Yeah, you'd tell me to go take a flying leap because I sure as heck would have. Especially since narcissists like to have your back story all ready in case you should run into any of his future victims. I'm sure he has quite the story about me in place already.
Maybe I should casually slip her this list? 14 signs you're dating a psychopath Goodness knows he fits almost every single one of these to a T. But would she see it? Would she realize it? My guess is no. She's going to have to learn for herself what we all learned the hard way for ourselves.
That's not to say it isn't tempting. There is an uncontrollable urge to ask her what lines he's used with her. Because according to the women before and during our relationship, he has a pretty standard script he just keeps pulling out and reusing. I wanted to ask her if she had heard about his second wife yet. It took me two years to find out about her. Had he told her he had Reactive Attachment Disorder? Or was he saving that for when she started to wonder why he had withdrawn all affection? Did he tell her his parents abused him and they are crazy? His first wife - did he tell her the made up reason for why they divorced? The urge to go up to her and just stare her in the eye and in my best theatrical voice say, "RUN!" is strong.
When he left my house for the last time, or the last time I was there when he was, he left all apologetic. He told me he realized he was mentally ill and was going to check himself into an inpatient program. He told me I didn't have to worry about him doing this to any other women because he had learned that he couldn't trust himself in relationships. He said he was done with relationships forever. Obviously that didn't last. And now I do worry.
I worry and I pray. I pray for her to keep herself through all of what is to come. I pray for her kids to be strong and kept out of the middle of their relationship when things go south. I pray for his sweet girls that are being strung along with yet another girlfriend that he is already half moved in with. Those poor things get ripped away from "family" after family. I pray that this new victim is stronger and wiser than I was and that she doesn't fall for his mind games and abuse. And I pray that, when this relationship comes to an end, she is left with her self worth and self confidence still intact. Some of us had to rebuild ours but the good news is, we are working at building it stronger than ever. So, prayer warriors, keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers and they will be in mine. It's the best any of us can do.
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