The ex traditions are hard. After my divorce I suddenly found myself with nothing to do on Christmas Eve, when the past 18 years I had spent Christmas Eve with Grandma Pokey and all of my husband's family. It was a long night. And that was just one example. Easter was weird and sad, and birthdays, horse shows, etc... It's one part learning to live again and 3 parts starting over. Each year got easier and eventually we came up with new traditions to take the place of old traditions and life moves on. But there is always that little part of your heart that remembers.
Ex material things still pop up from time to time. Every now and then I will see a picture of something that I lost in the divorce or reach for something that I no longer have and its a twinge of ugh. But things are just things and not worth losing sleep over.
Ex friends is so hard. Throughout my divorce it was always my goal to not make my friends choose. I never wanted my friends to have to pick a side and who knows who would be on the losing side of that choice. Unfortunately it happens. People pick sides and sometimes you don't even get the opportunity to share your side of the story. It's just how divorce works. I kept a journal leading up to the divorce, one of the things I worried about the most was how I would deal with the loss of friendships and people believing things about me that they wouldn't ever hear my side of. It's inevitable and I tell myself that those friends that really knew me and were worth keeping in my life wouldn't believe stories about me without hearing my side first. But still, there are the ex friends and you just learn to deal with it.
The worst part about divorce are the ex-in-laws. I went from having a great big family with a ton of little nieces and nephews; to having to watch from the sidelines as they grew. People always think about the immediate families, but so few of us think about those extensions of the family. There were a host of little ones that I was going to have to learn to live without.
But I was lucky. I've been so blessed that Shannon's family has been able to put aside their feelings in the divorce and have kept me in their family. It hasn't always been easy and I'm not going to say it hasn't caused words between some of them, but I am so thankful that they have remained my friends and have allowed me to continue to be a part of their lives. I currently have one of my former nieces in class and she still calls me her aunt, as does her little sister who gives me a giant hug every single time she seems me in the hallway. Those hugs make my day and I can't thank their mom enough for still being my "sister", even if it is just in the minds of a first and fifth grader. It wasn't always easy, but gets easier as the years go by. It's always a work in progress, but aren't our kids worth a little work and forgiveness?
I hope that more families can be and are like Shannon's family. Divorce doesn't have to mean the end of a family unit. It can be just a change in how that family works. But for the kids involved, ALL the kids, isn't it better for everyone to learn to get along with the new family dynamic and keep the family unit together? They say it takes a village to raise a child. I couldn't agree more, so let's keep that village together and raise these kids to be loving and kind and open to change by example. Best of luck families!
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