25 Things About Me

Does anyone else hate those ridiculous ice breaker type things that they do at meetings?  Ugh - nothing worse.  One of my least favorite are the ones where they trick you into someone saying personal stuff about yourself to a room full of complete strangers.  So of course I have done that one in the past in my classroom.  At least until I tried to do it myself and realized what kind of cruel and unusual punishment it is.

So to make it up to all the students over the years, here's 25 things about me, basically more than you ever wanted to know about Melissa.  

1.  As an adult I think pizza is the perfect food.  I love every kind of pizza and flatbread you can imagine.  I will say the more crust the better; deep dish and pan are my favorite.  Breakfast pizza, Hawaiian pizza, tomato and basil flatbread, you name it - all good.  I've even had a seafood pizza that was delicious.  I'm not even picky about "good" pizza.  Give me a $2 frozen Roma pizza or some gourmet pizza, I don't care.  All good.  But as a child, I was that annoying kid who didn't like pizza and always ordered something else when the family went out for pizza.  

2.  I will pretty much sing along or listen to any kind of music, EXCEPT jazz.  I just don't like jazz or blues.  It all sounds the same to me and it all sounds just weird to me.  But yes, I have been known to pull up a Barbie soundtrack and sing along and I'm not ashamed to say I recently downloaded the karaoke version of the Mary Poppins soundtrack.  

3.  I have a brother and a sister but I'm the youngest by 7 years.  This led to my entire high school years being almost like an only child.  I'm not complaining, I loved it. 

4.  I have been in love with horses forever.  Literally as long as I can remember.  My very first horse was a paint pony named Teddy that did everything in his power to buck me off every time I rode.  So I like to skip him and go to my second horse, a 19 year old old Arabian gelding named... Ole.  That horse taught me to ride and I would go out in the pasture and hop on him bareback.  If I wanted to turn I reached down and pulled his halter one way. If I wanted to stop, I grabbed between the ears and pulled back.  Did I mention he was a saint?  

5.  I'm blind as a bat.  Yep, I wear contacts.  I hate how I look in glasses so I have to be having a really bad contacts day if you see me in my glasses.  (Or you stopped by the house after I got ready for bed or haven't gotten up yet.) 

6.  I hate running, but do it almost every day.  Okay, maybe hate is a strong word.  However, the whole time I am running I am thinking about how this hurts and just 5 more minutes.  Lately my mantra while running has been, "strong legs, strong heart, breathe strong" because my legs hurt and I've been short on breath.  It isn't just running - I hate exercise in general WHILE I'm doing it.  It's after that it feels great.  

7.  I have taught 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th grades as a regular ed and social studies teacher.  I've done long term subs that covered all the other grades.  I can honestly say that I can't pick a favorite grade but I would rather not teach anything below 4th.  There were positives and negatives about every level.  

8.  I love to read and I've read some of the adult favorites.  My all time favorite book ever is Gone With the Wind.  I could read it over and over.  However, I have more young adult books that I love than any other genre.  Harry Potter and the Percy Jackson books being personal favorites.  Truly anything fantasy. though makes the list of faves.

9.  I'm a lover of all things Disney, especially the older movies like Aladdin, Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, etc...  I even had one of my senior portraits taken with all of my Mickey Mouse stuff and it was a lot.  I also love Disney World and want to go back again someday. It's supposed to be a family vacation, but people really underestimate the appeal to adults.  I loved it there when I was 19 and appreciated it way more than I did at 8.

10.  I love memes.  I love sending memes, I love getting memes, I love reading memes and I love finding the perfect meme.  Gifs rank right up there too.  I can be having a bad day but the right meme or gif can usually bring me out of my funk. 

11. I love clothes.  I love clothes shopping.  I love looking at clothes.  I love planning outfits.  I'm not good at it, mind you, but I have a Pinterest board called "My Style" that is overflowing with my dream outfits.  I can't afford to buy the outfits I would love to put together and I definitely already spend too much on clothes, but Goodwill and thrift stores are my go to for shopping fun.  

12.  I used to scrapbook a ton and now I still try to find time to get to it every now and then.  Keeping memories is so important to me, especially being the history buff that I am.  I want all of my future grandchildren and great grandchildren to be able to look back and have a family history to enjoy. 

13.  I love to bake.  It started late in high school and after when I was the pie baker for the Harmony House.  I was trained by the best, my Grandma Kiehne.  She was a harsh teacher, one time telling me that my apple pie was "better than she thought it would be", and that was a huge compliment.  She would yell if the dough was too thick, yell if it was too thin, but I learned one thing.  You can fix almost any mistake and you don't give up.  My only regret is that I never got my butt out of bed at 4:30 to learn how to make her cinnamon rolls.  

14.  I am a fabric hoarder.  I hate totes of fabric left over from the days that I used to quilt.  So many half and unfinished projects!  I'm pretty sure that it has been more than 10 years since I quilted last, but once upon a time it was one of my favorite pastimes.  I hope to someday get back to it, hence my fabric collection.  Hopefully it doesn't go out of style.  

15.  Friends is the best show ever and I have watched the entire series multiple times, from Episode 1 - 236.  I'm currently about 2/3 of the way through the series again.  Even though I have virtually every episode memorized,  it never ceases to get me to laugh and smile.  I may be able to give a Friends reference for nearly every trial or struggle that comes up in my life.  It is quite difficult not to quote Friends or share Friends clips in school.  

16.  I've watched enough Gray's Anatomy that I'm pretty sure I could save your life.  I mean, I've seen it done like a thousand times.  I'm pretty sure I could perform a periocardiocentesis with a ball point pen and a straw.  I mean, I saw it on TV....

17.  I'm a little bit of a neat freak.  I hate mess and clutter and absolutely love "a place for everything and everything in its place".  Hence my love of binders, tabs, folders, totes and all things meant to sort and organize.  I have Pinterest boards devoted to organization.  It's kind of my happy place.

18.  While I love things clean, neat and organized (seriously love the smell of bleach and "clean linen" is my go to scent), I hate dusting.  Hate is a strong word and I hate dusting.  The temptation to have zero things set out to dust around is strong.  The fact that on any given day you could write your name in the dust in a given room in my house is true.  I need to be better about dusting, but I don't wanna.  

19.  I have generalized anxiety disorder, the kind that makes you see a therapist.  Approximately 2 years ago I learned enough skills to be able to manage my anxiety on my own and feel fairly confident that I have a handle on it these days.  But it is always there and I'm always thankful for those that help me cope instead of judging.   

20.  I used to be a cheerleading coach and loved it.  It is seriously one of my happiest memories from the last 20 years.  We had a blast and I will never forget how proud I was of them when we went to our state competition and brought home a 3rd place trophy.  I still have cheers that run through my head.  I cannot spell aggressive or determination without getting the rhythm firmly implanted in my brain. 

21.  My idea of a perfect weekend day is sleeping in, making a big breakfast, reading my book or watching a movie, taking a long nap, making dinner and then going back to bed.  Naps should be what people do for dates.  Sounds like a dream date to me.  To make a reference to another favorite Friends episode, "What's not to like?  Sleep good, cuddling good, waking up rested and not in a bad mood...."

22. My idea of the perfect date, (if nap dates don’t count as real dates), is dinner and a movie.  Or even just a movie.  I LOVE action, especially anything Avengers, and will usually pass on anything comedy.  I’ve seen a lot of comedies and some are okay, but I hate how the theme of so many is that things just constantly go wrong after wrong after wrong for the main character.  To me that’s not funny, it’s depressing. No movie is complete without popcorn, and yes with butter. Not a little bag either, the big jumbo tub.  Even better is a jumbo box of milk duds. If you eat the milk duds and popcorn at the same time you get caramel popcorn.  Amazing!! 

23.  I’ve been a waitress for the last 27 years except for a 7 year break in the middle.  While there are definitely days that are harder than others, I do really love serving and I love my current job at the Village Square.  I love the food we serve, the people I work with and my boss.  Can’t wait for us to open again this spring.

24. I struggle with confidence issues about a lot of things; singing, horseback riding, teaching, serving, cooking, people skills, looks, athletic ability, pretty much everything.  I’m very thankful for every little success in my life and I can’t thank those people who consistently lift me up enough. 

25. I haven't always attended church faithfully and still struggle to get there some weeks.  However, I have always been religious and there was a pastor who actually recommended seminary school.  Looking back, I feel like I would have loved getting to share God's word with the world, but I'm grateful for the career path I did choose.  However, I will continue to practice my faith and share here when appropriate.  I never want to force religion on any of my friends, for me it has helped me through some struggles in my life.  I will forever be thankful for God's guiding hand. 

Okay.  Whew.  25 was really hard!  I started this blog over TWO WEEKS ago!  But I'm done.  Finally!  You now know more than you ever wanted to know about me.  Feel free to share a couple things about yourself either here or on Facebook.  I'd love to hear more about all of you!  

Teenagers Suck

Remember all that sappy stuff I said about my oldest in the blog yesterday?  Yeah- I take it back.  Teenagers suck. Let me explain...
So I work out at a place in town.  You get a key fob to gain entrance to the building.  Me being OCD (and because I have forgotten it in the past), I have a system for my fob.  I put it on a gold carabiner and snap it into my water bottle when I leave to work out and then hang it back on the key rack by the door when I get home.  Every. Single. Time.
Imagine my surprise when I go to walk out the door at 4:30 am and no key fob.  I started looking everywhere; coat pockets, floor, other water bottles, car, you name it. But I knew it had to have been hanging on the hook.  With time wasting I just went to work out and lucked out that someone was going in when I got there to hold the door for me.
When I got home I questioned the family.  I described the key fob and the carabiner “it’s a GOLD carabiner.”  Nobody had a clue.  I went all day trying to figure out how in the hell it had gone missing.  The only thing I could come up with was that it had somehow gotten knocked behind the stove.  Notice the empty hook on that end? Darn it.

That evening when we all got home I had Libby help me pull the stove out.  That wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.  Did you know there is nowhere to grab on to those darn things?  We had Sophie look behind the stove and guess what?!  Nothing.  How disappointing.  So I gave up and made the embarrassing call to the fitness center to request a new key fob.  Ugh.
I got the mail, sorted through the junk, did a few more things around the house and went to bed.  Tim came home a few minutes later and also went through the mail (honestly that’s important - bare with me) and then came to bed.  The next morning I got up, showered and headed out to the kitchen for some juice.  Look what I saw on the mail.

I’m not gonna lie.  All sorts of crazy thoughts went through my head.  Remember I read a lot of books and do have a healthy belief in angels, ghosts and in the unbelievable.  I may have gone in the bedroom and told Tim we needed to move.  Immediately.
I go out to the kitchen and my oldest comes crawling up the stairs.  I ask her again about it, telling her how shocked I am to see it show up.  She says she has no idea.  So I go into a tirade saying how we have to move and I’m not staying another minute in our haunted house because, unless one of the kids is jacking with me, we very realistically have a poltergeist. Which is the point where I realize she’s laughing way too hard for a 17 year old that has just woken up.  Between her gasping laughter she admits it was her.  Originally she had accidentally taken it thinking it was an unimportant key chain for her house key, but had enjoyed watching me freak out.  The little brat helped me move the stove, all the while knowing full well there was no key fob behind it!!
Don’t worry- payback is coming.  I asked her how funny it would be when she couldn’t find her Snow Ball dance dress on Saturday.  Tim feels it may be even funnier when I wear it to work on Friday.  She may have said, “I dare you.”  Hmmmm....

The Passing of Time

There are so many phrases about how time passes; time flies, in the nick of time, race against time, behind the times, time will tell, etc...  This morning, with some of the changes going on in our household, it really struck me how time is a truly abstract subject.  There is a concreteness, a solid science based fact, about time for sure.  There are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in a hour, 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and so on.  But that time, it likes to metaphorically slow down and speed up all at the same... well..... time.  Anyone with children can relate to what I'm talking about. 

Many of you know that I used to scrapbook, a lot.  As the years passed and hobbies changed focus, I found I had less and less time for scrapbooking.  I still try to find the time to put pictures into an album and label them.  I think I'm about halfway through 2016.  But every now and then we love to go through our old scrapbooks.  Just the other day we did just that. 

Reflecting back through those pages and then looking at my two daughters, I was struck by how fast time has flown by.  Everyone tells you when you have your babies that the time with them will pass in an instant.  I saw a quote the other day that I'm going to take as mathematical fact because I am too lazy to figure it out.  It said that there are 940 Saturdays from the time your child is born until they graduate.  That sure doesn't seem like enough Saturdays.  And when I look at Libby, I can figure out how many I have left.  17.  Wow.  I can't tell you how much that stabs through the heart and brings tears to my eyes.  With Sophie only 4 short years behind her, I don't even want to know how few Saturdays I have left with her.

The truth is, while looking back those years passed so quickly, there were days and weeks and phases that I wished would pass faster.  I wished away far too many hours and days; wishing that potty training would just get over or wishing that spring would come or volleyball would start.  There were far too many endless sleepless nights worrying about this or that where it seemed like morning would never come, or days I wished to get over so I could be back in my bed and sleep. The result of all that wishing time away is that here I sit; one daughter just a few months away from graduation and one about to enter high school and I have no idea how it happened.

A friend saw a post about Libby going to a Snow Ball dance with a boy and wondered how that was possible as she was too young.  Believe you me, I ask myself that very question.  A boy!  She is supposed to be playing with ponies and reading books.  When did she get old enough to like boys?! And get invited to dances.  The answer feels like just yesterday.  Just yesterday I was buying her shirts with unicorns on them and now I'm finding half my closet on her bedroom floor.  Just yesterday she was crying over basic math facts and now she's passed College Algebra.  Just yesterday I was struggling to get her to eat her vegetables and... wait.... I'm still struggling to get her to eat vegetables.  Maybe that milestone is still coming.  The truth is, that in so many ways, it seems like just yesterday she was a scrawny little 8 year old that every thought was 5 and now, in so many ways, she's all grown up. 

Sophie isn't far behind.  Even pictures from three years ago shock me.  I watched her play basketball last night and the way she carries herself on the court blows my mind.  When did she learn that patience, that poise, that finesse?  She's always been a scrappy and aggressive little turkey.  When did that turn into a real player?  And that's just in the last  2-3 years.  Let's go back to the toddler that told her sister to "cowgirl up or just lay there and bleed".  Where did she go?  Bring back my babies!  I want a do over.

The truth is that our kids grow up way too fast.  Our time with our friends is too short.  Our loved ones will be gone before we know it.  We need to enjoy every single minute.  Even those agonizing slow minutes where the work day drags on.  We need celebrate and appreciate those times as well because only their slow passing allows our lives to stop its headlong sprint to the finish. 

Dating someone with anxiety

Recently I sat down with a very good friend who is going through the loss of a relationship.  She is much like me and struggles with anxiety in general, but also struggles with what they lovingly refer to as "relationship anxiety".   I'm sure there isn't a human being alive that doesn't appreciate having someone be able to, not just sympathize with your personal struggles, but be able to empathize as well.  There is something to be said for the friend that can go, "Oh honey - me too!  That's exactly how I feel, react or respond in the same situation!"  It makes you feel a little less crazy and a little more normal to know you're not alone.

What do I mean by relationship anxiety?  It's rather difficult to explain and I assure you that I am no expert.  I'm well aware that while you can suffer from something, it surely doesn't mean to are a professional in the department.  It does mean that I can give you some personal insight.  Everyone experiences anxiety at various points in their lives; from the time you're asked to give an oral book report in school to walking onto that college campus for the first day.  There are times when anxiety is good because it pushes you to do or be better, like studying for that test that you're nervous about.  There are times, though, when anxiety can be debilitating.

It's kind of like this.  Have you ever thought about the worst case scenario?  You know, where you're making some decision and you think to yourself what's the worst that could happen?  People with anxiety do that all day and about EVERYTHING, and their worst case scenario usually ends with something catastrophic.  For example, if you're applying for a job and you think to yourself before the interview, "What's the worst that can happen?"  You might reply, "I'll just keep the job I have" or "McDonalds is also hiring."   A person with anxiety thinks, "I have no chance to get this job, I won't get any job, I'm going to lose the house/car/kids, I'm going to live in a cardboard box down by the river and get addicted to wine."  Okay, I'm having a little fun here at the end, but it really isn't much of an exaggeration either.  My therapist once asked me "what's the worst that can happen" and sat back.  I literally started laughing.  I believe my exact response was, "oh, I'm really good at this game" and proceeded to amaze him at the level I could go to with "worst case scenario".  Once he said, "but will you die?" and my response was "sometimes".

And then there are the anxiety attacks, the end result of all this overthinking.  Where you feel like you can't breathe, can't catch your breath.  Your heart pounds, you gasp for air and all the while you feel like you are dying.  Not the over dramatized "I'm dying" of a man cold taking over, but an actual real feeling that you are having a heart attack or literally suffocating on nothing.  Coming back from that feeling, sometimes all on your own, takes Herculean efforts.

There are a lot of things people can do to help deal with their anxiety.  I've researched, learned and studied so many.  Breathing practices help a tremendous amount.  Meditation, mindfulness, CBT training, apps, etc... all are in my arsenal of weapons against anxiety.  I've read piles of books, listened to webcasts and youtube videos, completed programs, you name it.  I have learned to, not only cope, but improve my anxiety.  I'm much less likely to get a full blown anxiety attack any more.  In fact, I think I've only had two in the last year.  There are a lot of things that those who suffer from anxiety need to do to take care of themselves, but there are things that our loved ones can do for us too.

As my friend and I were discussing our failed relationships and the effects of those relationships on our significant others we realized a few things.  Those who choose to love someone with anxiety probably should be given a "How to" book and a medal.  It's kind of like a combat zone and crash course in psychiatry all rolled into one.  If you're brave enough to love someone with anxiety, let me give you a few pointers.

Tips for dating someone with anxiety:

1.  No games, I mean none.   Don't play any of those fun games like ignoring them, not texting them back to get them to sweat, talking about other men/women that are interested in you to make them jealous, etc...  People with anxiety don't play games.  They get anxious, overthink, go to worst case scenario and give up.  If you continue to play games and create more anxiety, pretty soon you won't have anyone to play games with.

2.  Tell them you love them and don't be afraid to tell them why.  Give compliments, remind them they are loved.  I had an ex that told me it wasn't his job to make me feel good about myself by giving me a lot (or any) compliments.  In his mind, I needed to do that for myself.  He was right to a point, a person does need to love themselves without the help of being showered with compliments.  But when it comes to relationships, those that suffer from anxiety need that reassurance, maybe more often than you feel is necessary.  If you're not willing to love them enough to give it, get out of the way for someone who will. 

3.  Keep them in the loop about your life.  We aren't asking you to ask permission.  You don't need to ask if you can go out with the guys/girls for a drink after work, but please do us the courtesy of letting us know.  It's the unknown that scares the crap out of us.  When left to wonder, we are really good at wondering.  Wondering if you don't love us, wondering if you are cheating on us, wondering if you are dead.  You may think I'm exaggerating.  Ask Libby what happens if she doesn't text me back promptly.  First it's "where are you?" and in the span of a few unanswered texts it comes to the fact that I'm sure she's slipped in the shower, hit her head on the faucet and is bleeding out and dying.  So just let us know what's up and don't be afraid to send a "gonna be a few minutes late" text too.

4.  Do not ever compare us to your past relationships.  Never tell us we are like your ex because we are nagging, controlling or some other negative trait of your choosing.  Even worse, hint that you wish we were more like your ex sexually, in looks, in habits,  or not as good as something you loved about your ex.  We are already doing that constantly, especially if we know your ex or have seen pictures of your ex.  Believe me, we have measured ourselves against your ex's and found ourselves falling short.  We don't need you to hint at or remind us of that.  This can even be an offhand comment that you don't think twice about, be prepared for us to blow it out of proportion.  Sometimes it isn't even going to be you.  Maybe a family member discusses how funny your ex was or how pretty.  Let me count the ways that a person with relationship anxiety can turn that into a personal disaster....

5.  Communicate, communicate, communicate.  If you don't fill in the blanks with the truth, we will fill in the blanks for you and you don't even want to KNOW the kinds of stuff our minds can come up with.   If you're having a bad day and need some quiet time or just aren't acting yourself, we will notice.  We will ask you what is wrong.  If you reply "nothing" or "I'm fine", we will not be fooled.  If you won't tell us what is bothering you, you had better believe we are going to fill in the blanks.  In two shakes of a lamb's tail (an idiom that does not get used nearly enough anymore), we will have you cheating, leaving us, sick with a terminal illness or just sick of our crap.  It will always be our fault and our worst case scenario will always have us alone and unwanted.  Even if you have some embarrassing reason for your quiet time, even if it truly us that you are annoyed with but you don't want to hurt our feelings, please communicate.  We can handle the truth, it is almost never as bad as the shitty story we've made up in our heads.

6.  Don't push.  Don't surprise.  Don't overwhelm, especially at the beginning of the relationship.  I know I let Tim down a few times at the beginning of our relationship.  He's a very social person who loves being around people and being at things.  My anxiety makes that hard for me sometimes.  So there were things he invited me to that I just could not go to.  There are things that you will want to go do where even the thought of going to them causes us to have an anxiety attack.  Large crowds are usually a no go.  Meeting all the family at once, maybe not.  Surprise parties or surprising us with anything really, not a dream date.  Just a little more time, a little more space and a lot more patience goes a long ways. 

7.  Do not make fun of our anxiety and do not call us crazy, tell us we are overreacting, even in joking.  Our anxiety is no joke.  If we poke fun at ourselves, please know it is a defense mechanism.  We are vividly aware of anxiety, it looks us in the face all the time and we are embarrassed by it.  We don't need others to remind us about how "funny" we act, we know.  What we need is support.  

8.  Do not lie to us, even those little white lies that you think do no harm.  People with relationship anxiety have been lied to in the past, usually a lot, about really big stuff.  They require 100% honesty in any new relationship.  Obviously, it's never good to lie in any relationship, but for some reason people think they should lie to those with anxiety to "protect" us from the truth.  While we may appreciate you caring enough to want to protect us, honesty is the only way to protect us from our own thinking.  If you lie to us about the little stuff, we will assume you're lying about the big stuff too.  

There are loads of little things to remember, but most fall under the general umbrella of the 8 tips listed above and one more key word; patience.  Every relationship requires patience, being in a relationship with someone with anxiety requires, as they say, the patience of a saint.  Hopefully you will see that loving us is worth it.  

What is Anxiety? (A blog to help us understand)

All we ask is that you give us a chance.  We know that loving us through our anxiety is not easy.  Please know that we are beating ourselves up about that fact all the time.  But if you give us a chance, if you're willing to love us through it, we will reward you in every way we possibly can.  You need to know that even opening ourselves up to the possibility of love was a choice that spent hours, days, maybe weeks talking ourselves through.  We fought against our own demons to even allow you in and now that you're here, we will keep fighting for us with everything we have.

* At times we may seem clingy, needy or in constant need of affection.  The flip side is that we will always be there to give you affection when you need it and who doesn't love to cuddle?  I hear it actually is medically, scientifically good for you.  Check that out!  Loving us can make you healthier.  I'm like one big granola bar. 


* We will love you fiercely and whole heartedly and we won't be afraid to show it.  Mushy cards, texts, letters, gifts, once you have our trust we will give you our heart and soul.  Don't abuse it.


* We never want to be the source of any of your pain.  We know what that is like and we will do anything in our power to not cause you to feel the way we have.  We are very protective of your feelings, sometimes at the expense of our own.


* We know a crap-ton about mental health and dealing with stress/anxiety.  There will be stressful times in your life when you will be glad to have us there to help.  Bonus is that it makes us feel useful and needed when you ask us how to cope.


* You won't wonder or miss things.  We have mastered the use of calendars, reminders, organizers, binders, apps, you name it.  We are a bit of an overachiever in this area because forgetting things or being late stresses us out.    (Most of the time and obviously some more than others.)


* No games!  While this is something to be aware of, it is also something that will be a huge relief.  People with anxiety don't play games.  We will tell you how it is and we won't leave you hanging. 


* Once you gain our trust, you will have an unconditional love for all times.  If you never betray that trust, you will have the fiercest of allies, the greatest of loves by your side.

Mostly remember that we didn't ask you to fall in love with us, you wanted in and we let you.  Be respectful of the boundaries we need and we will reward you tenfold.  I know I'm lucky enough to have the most supportive and loving husband anyone with anxiety could ever ask for.  I also know he isn't the only "unicorn" out there.  My wish is that all my anxiety burdened friends find their own special someone who understands and lifts them up the way my does.  

Kids These Days

I’m sure we have all said it, I know I have.  And every single time it comes out of my mouth I feel like I can hear my mom or my grandmother speaking through me from the grave.  Oh kids these days have their own little nickname, “millenials” or “entitlement generation”, you take your pick.  But I have another little key phrase for all of us, “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
Did you do the puppy dog head tilt?  Huh?  What’s that you say?  You heard me.  Watch what you’re talking about.  Okay- maybe “check yourself” is too modern day hip slang for the age old “when you point your finger there are three fingers pointing back at you.”  But the message is the same.
I hear all the time about what is wrong with this generation.  I hear the complaints.  I see the posts and the articles.  You think this is new?  You think every single generation hasn’t complained about the generations that follow them?  I’m not saying I haven’t said it in the past but I’m sure as heck saying that I remember having it said about my generation too.  A famous philosopher said, “Our youth now love luxury.  They have bad manners, contempt for authority.  They show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.  They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food and tyrannise their teachers”
I bet you nodded along in agreement.  Maybe you even said a hell yeah or a hallelujah.  Except the person who said that wasn’t talking about the kids born from 2000-today.  The philosopher is Socrates and he was talking about students roughly 2500 years ago.  That was just a “couple” of years ago.
Let me tell you what I see every single day working with kids in this “entitlement generation.”  I see kids that are lazy.  I see kids that want something for nothing.  I see kids that don’t have a work ethic or understand that you have to work hard to get ahead.   I see kids cheating. But you know what else I see? Parents making excuses.  Parents allowing their kids to have anything they want.  Parents helping their kids with their homework (aka- doing it for them).  The same thing I have seen for the last 20 years of teaching (and I’m pretty sure teachers saw for the 20 years before that, and the 20 years before that...)
Before we blame the “entitlement” generation let’s talk about the reality of the situation.  My generation is raising these kids.  It’s up to us to teach them to change their behavior.  We can’t throw our hands up and blame it on technology, the president or any other factor besides what stares us back in the mirror.  But there is another side to this argument as well.
Earlier I talked about what I observed in my classroom.  You know what else I see?  I see kids standing up to bullies and protecting the little guy. I see students giving up their free time or fun time to help their classmates catch up or figure out something tough.  I see kids getting excited about a story that tickles their imagination.  I see wonder and  joy about learning some cool science fact or historical event.  I see kids helping a classmate or teacher pick up a mess or pick up something they have dropped, volunteering to clean up the room and lending their supplies to classmates in need.  I see kids cry when their friends experience heartache and I’ve seen kids overflowing with pride when their classmates have success.
I get frustrated when I hear people complain about “kids these days”.  Are there kids who could use more guidance and teaching? Are there kids who need to be told no a few more times and fail a little more?  Of course- just like there were when you were a kid or I was a kid.  You want to complain about this generation and think you have all the answers?  Then volunteer in a classroom or as a coach.  Organize a youth group or a club.  Heck- apply for a job as a paraprofessional and get paid to make a difference in these kids’ lives.

Our children are watching us and learning from our examples.  Think of that next time you backstab or talk about a family member, coworker or complete stranger.  Think of that next time you swear at the guy who cuts you off or yell at a ref at a basketball game.  Think of that the next time you say math was hard for you too and isn’t worth studying for or tell them just to cheat and copy it from the internet.  Think of what you are teaching them when you do that assignment for them (that they aren’t capable of doing it on their own or when the going gets tough it’s okay to give up).  
I consider myself lucky to be able to work with students every single day.  They have a way of keeping me humble, showing me how wrong I can be and yet, making me laugh almost every day.  I mean, just this week, one of my fifth graders told me if I wanted to smell good all day I should rub my deodorant on my nose because then that’s what you smell all day.  I mean, ask yourself, isn’t that a little stroke of 10 year old genius?

When you see him....

Many of you probably stumbled through my poetry blog wondering what the heck I was trying to say.  (If you missed it, you can find it here.)  Basically the quick version is I happened to run into my ex the other day.  The narcissist or psychopath, as his contact stored in my phone calls him.  It still causes all kinds of icky, scary feelings but I'm thankful I have my friends and Tim to talk me through them.  If I have time to prepare myself for the probability of running into him, I'm fine.  It's those chance encounters that throw me for a loop.  But my good friend tells me I get better and stronger every time.  She may just blowing smoke up my....  but I love her for it. 

That said, the reason I ran into him is because he was watching his new girlfriend play volleyball at the same location as one of my kids was having practice.  Yeah, his new girlfriend.  Here in lies the purpose behind the blog.  I think one of the hardest parts about the "after" of being with a narcissist is the sideline after.  It's where you have to watch them start the cycle all over again and know that there is nothing you can do about it.  Literally nothing.  It's an incredibly helpless feeling. 

When I approached some of my ex's exes (sounds like a country western song) about our relationship ending, the common theme was we wished there was something we could do to protect future women.  One even apologized for not telling me sooner about all the things he had done in his past; like the 8 women in the few years before me, the lying, the cheating, the second wife, the ..... you get the idea.  But, as I told her, the truth is I probably wouldn't have believed her anyway.  He's very good at the love bombing stage.  Very good. 

I couldn't help but think of that as I watched him there with her.  I thought back to how he started out coming with me to things I liked too.   I remember him acting like horse shows and horses were really his thing.  Later that would become laughable as he did everything in his power to ruin every horse show, make me feel guilty for even owning horses and telling me to get rid of them.  And here he was pretending he was going to become a volleyball fan.  *insert laughing hysterically emoji here*  Except it is not going to be funny, for her.  Someday she's going to question what she did wrong.  She's going to wonder how he changed so much or maybe she just imagined that he came to things.  He's going to tell her he never liked going and why does she act like he did, that's not the way it was.  And she's going to think she's losing her mind.  I know because I lived it.  And so did the other victims, uhhh.. I mean exes.

He showed up in my timeline of memories today on Facebook.  (Which sometimes is the stupidest thing Facebook does.  Who needs to see some of that crap first thing in the morning?  Thankfully I've learned to delete those memories so they won't show up again the next year around.)  It happened to be a picture of me that he had taken when we first started talking. A picture that a couple years later he would delete from his Facebook and when I questioned him why he deleted it, he would claim he never took the picture and he had no idea what he was talking about.  He claimed he wasn't sure why I would "make up" such a story.  I almost took a screenshot and sent it to him, but then I remembered my firm "no contact with psychos" rule.  Along with that picture, his new profile picture was there in the little circle of him and his new girlfriend. 

Two thoughts went through my head.  1 - Dang it, she looks so nice and sweet - poor thing.     2 - I wonder how long before he deletes that picture and tells her she is crazy for thinking such a picture ever existed.  The deleting of you off his Facebook happens when he starts wanting to date other women on the side or have online relationships.  I give it a year.  And then you will try to post something on his Facebook and he will say he doesn't want his timeline cluttered up with stuff so he's stopped allowing that kind of thing.  And you'll ask where this picture or that picture went and he will say he has no idea what you're talking about.  It happens.  Hey, maybe I should send her the folder of screenshots from his email and Facebook messenger of all the women he was trolling when he lived with me and was in a relationship with me?  That ought to scare the bejezus out of her.

You may wonder why I don't say anything to this poor woman.  What would you say?  "Hi, you don't know me, but the guy you're dating is an ex of mine.  He's a narcissist and he is going to try to ruin you."  What would you say if someone came up to you and said that about this amazing man you met online?  This man that has already moved into your life, your kids have met and seems like a dream come true.  He says all the right things, sends you gifts, tells you that he has struggled with relationships in the past but you, you are the one he has always been looking for.  You REALLY get him.  Yeah, you'd tell me to go take a flying leap because I sure as heck would have.  Especially since narcissists like to have your back story all ready in case you should run into any of his future victims.  I'm sure he has quite the story about me in place already.

Maybe I should casually slip her this list? 14 signs you're dating a psychopath  Goodness knows he fits almost every single one of these to a T.  But would she see it?  Would she realize it?  My guess is no.  She's going to have to learn for herself what we all learned the hard way for ourselves.

That's not to say it isn't tempting.  There is an uncontrollable urge to ask her what lines he's used with her.  Because according to the women before and during our relationship, he has a pretty standard script he just keeps pulling out and reusing.  I wanted to ask her if she had heard about his second wife yet.  It took me two years to find out about her.  Had he told her he had Reactive Attachment Disorder?  Or was he saving that for when she started to wonder why he had withdrawn all affection?  Did he tell her his parents abused him and they are crazy?  His first wife - did he tell her the made up reason for why they divorced?  The urge to go up to her and just stare her in the eye and in my best theatrical voice say, "RUN!" is strong. 

When he left my house for the last time, or the last time I was there when he was, he left all apologetic.  He told me he realized he was mentally ill and was going to check himself into an inpatient program.  He told me I didn't have to worry about him doing this to any other women because he had learned that he couldn't trust himself in relationships.  He said he was done with relationships forever.  Obviously that didn't last.  And now I do worry. 

I worry and I pray.  I pray for her to keep herself through all of what is to come.  I pray for her kids to be strong and kept out of the middle of their relationship when things go south.  I pray for his sweet girls that are being strung along with yet another girlfriend that he is already half moved in with. Those poor things get ripped away from "family" after family.  I pray that this new victim is stronger and wiser than I was and that she doesn't fall for his mind games and abuse.  And I pray that, when this relationship comes to an end, she is left with her self worth and self confidence still intact.  Some of us had to rebuild ours but the good news is, we are working at building it stronger than ever.  So, prayer warriors, keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers and they will be in mine.  It's the best any of us can do.

Another product review - Revital U Brew

I know, I know, I promise I'm not going to make a habit of these.  But when I get really excited about something, I like to share.  So bear with me because I like this product enough that I almost signed up to sell the stuff (and am still considering it). 

The product is called Revital U Brew.  It's a coffee.  Now those of my friends that know me, know that I hate all things coffee.  Hate.  Can't stand the taste of.  I served a lot of coffee over the years and I've always wanted to like the stuff.  I do love the smell and the appeal of a warm cup of coffee to start the day sounds amazing.  But I've tried everything; lattes, cappuccinos, frappes, or whatever they are all called.  All nasty.   And don't give me the "add creamer" line.  I've tried those too.  Finally I convinced myself that I don't need to make myself learn to love something that isn't especially good for you.  Well, something else that is - because I do have a pretty strong Dt MD habit.

Well, with the theme of the whole "new year/new you" kind of idea - I decided to break my Dt MD habit.  So instead of a Dew, I have a protein shake each morning after my workout.  The workouts have increased thanks to my weight loss challenge (yep - I signed up for one of those too, glutton for punishment).  Since the first of the year I have missed one day of working out.  Pretty proud of that.  So the protein shakes were a logical step instead of soda, and did you know that they come in vanilla ICE CREAM flavor.  Added to milk, that protein shake tastes SO bad for you, like literally having a milk shake for breakfast.  And it probably isn't the healthiest thing in the world, but considering I suck at eating enough meat, it has to be a better option than just a Dt MD for breakfast. 

Link to protein shake: Vanilla Ice Cream flavor!

Then my former sister-in-law added me to a new group she was starting.  It was a coffee group, I thought, so I almost left the group before I read more.  However, I love this kid so I was willing to look into it and keep an open mind.  Again, if you don't know me, I am THE largest skeptic in the world when it comes to weight loss crap. I've tried Plexus (holy expensive and worthless), I've researched Thrive enough to never touch the stuff and I've tried others too.  I almost did a blog on what a joke all these schemes are but I have friends that sell the stuff and I truly don't want to be that person.  But I don't believe in any of it.  Diet and exercise, calories in/calories out.  It's really super simple, well not simple to do, but a simple concept.  I have lost weight in the past, like LOTS of weight at one point in my life and I know how it works.  You eat less, you eat better foods for you and you exercise more.

But like I said, I love this kid so I was willing to take a sample.  Here's what it is supposed to do for you:

Of course the website and her Facebook page are littered with people who have had great results and lost so much weight.  Here's my skeptical thoughts on this and every product of it's type.  I believe that people who use these products probably do have very real results.  I also believe that those people are getting a bit of a placebo effect.  While adding these products, they also eat less and exercise more.  In general I mean, especially those with dramatic results.  But sometimes a person needs that placebo to kick start their butt, so I'm not discounting those products for that purpose at all. 

Also being a skeptic, I researched the hell out of the product.  I got my googling fingers and put them to work, digging as deep as I could.  Being a relatively new product, it wasn't easy.  I found a lot of positive reviews and one really good article that was super critical.  But not only did I read the reviews and the articles, I read the comments too.  Some of these people are way more sciency than I am, so I took those comments and researched the science.  Turns out those people were right.  I hate the line most products give you that it is "all natural".  There are a lot of things in nature that I wouldn't put in my body.  Marijuana is all natural.  Opiods are all natural.  Just because it is "all natural" doesn't mean, "good for you".  But the ingredients in Revital U Brew were coming back with a big thumbs up, one poster even claimed to have run it by her pharmacist and gotten the okay.

So I got my free sample.  It's coffee.  It's literally coffee, an instant coffee.  You make it exactly like coffee.  I hate coffee.  But my SIL said her husband added it to some hot cocoa so I thought, I'll add it to my protein shake.  Success.  It was delicious. I couldn't believe I liked it, but I did.  And I waited to be amazed.  Here's the scoop. 

It was pretty cool.  I did notice that despite not having my Dt MD, I had plenty of energy for the day (reason for that later).  But it wasn't the nervous, jittery kind of anxiety ridden energy that chugging a 20 oz Dew did for me.  It was this upbeat, I love you man, kind of energy.  And I wasn't super hungry, eat everything that isn't nailed down, snacking like a fiend.  I still got hungry, but I filled up faster and was satisfied faster.  That alone was very cool.  I still, being the skeptic I am, think that some of that might have been in my head.  However, if it works it works.

Then I weighed myself.  I'm not so good at weighing myself as THAT causes me anxiety.  I feel like it is defeating not to see the pounds coming off the harder we work.  But after nine days I stepped on the scale.  I was down 4 lbs.  At the 2 week mark, I had lost 6.5 lbs.  For my weight loss challenge I have to lose 10, I am well on my way and I couldn't be happier.  I will not be sharing my before and after pictures.  My SIL did that and the results were outstanding.  I am so proud of her.  I am also blown away by her bravery.  There isn't going to be anyone seeing me in my bra and underwear standing sideways without sucking in my belly any time soon. 

So here's my not so professional review, basically my personal opinion.  1.  It 100% gives you energy - it's got caffeine.  Quite a bit actually, almost the same amount as a 20 oz MD.  2.  It has improved my mood - despite some crap going on all around us lately.  I feel a little guilty about how ridiculously happy I've been actually.  3.  It obviously has helped me shed weight faster as I've only been working out for a little over 3 weeks and 6.5 lbs is a lot for a girl like me.  I don't give all the credit to the product though, I have put a lot of miles in on the treadmill (more so than before) and definitely eating less sweets.  But I have the energy to work out, sometimes even twice a day and I seem to be craving sweets less too.  I still want them, but it is easier to pass them up, if that makes sense. Believe me, I understand it is a mind game.  If this stuff can help me win the mind game= priceless. 

Something not so positive is that because of the caffeine, I'm sure that anyone who stops drinking this will feel some side effects.  I, for one, get horrendous caffeine withdrawal headaches.  It is also $50 a month, if you don't get a deal or do a preferred membership.  But my Dt Dew habit cost me around $60 a month, so....  Words of wisdom - drink lots of water the rest of the day and do not add to your Revital U Brew to your cup of coffee.  I read some reviews of people who had done that.  You're basically having a double shot of coffee with your cup of coffee if you add this TO your coffee. It is coffee.  Make it like coffee and drink it like coffee.  (Or add it to a protein shake, you won't be disappointed.)  Also, you cannot truly judge how the product will go based off of the one sample.  It can take 2 weeks for the full effects of supplements to be achieved.  (I read that from someone way more sciency than me.) So give it time to make a fair assessment.  The sample just really helps you decide if you can stand the taste and gives you a little glimpse of what the product can do for you.

If after reading all of this, you're interested, please feel free to message me and ask to be added to her Facebook group.  I don't like to go around willy nilly adding people to groups.  Especially groups selling things (kind of a pet peeve of mine actually).  This product is ALMOST good enough that I would though!  And if you join her group you can get a free sample just by asking!  Otherwise - if I have sold you on getting your own tub, here's the link:  Click here