Unpopular opinion: divorce and marriage

I believe in divorce. I know that it is an unpopular opinion to have, because for some reason people have it in their heads that people who have decided to get divorced, do so with little to no thought.   I do not believe that people go into marriage thinking, "well - if it doesn't work out I can just get divorced."  Not SMART people anyway.  Anyone that knows anyone that has gotten divorced knows that divorce is a hell of a lot of trouble and expense.  It isn't worth just jumping into marriage with a plan of jumping out.  Because let's be honest, it isn't like "jumping out".  It's more like dragging yourself on your elbows, through barbed wire and broken glass.  While on fire.  And with a car on top of you.  There is no jumping out.  Divorce is fighting over who gets the good towels when that is all you really have to your name.  Divorce is lawyers and court dates, custody battles and arguing over 7:00 or 8:00 and where your child sleeps and dirty laundry.  (Literally - dirty laundry).  It's ugly, it's expensive, it's long and it is the direct opposite of fun.

But people who have been married for years, or worse -people who are newly married and don't have experience with what marriage really entails, love to share the heck out of memes/quotes like the following.

Aww, how lovely.  How lovely for you that are all in the happy go lucky, I'm so in love with him, he's cute when he sucks up soup off his spoon, he can't do anything wrong stage.  Or how lovely for those of you who have a partner that will listen when you talk, will share with you when something is wrong, will work on things WITH you or care enough about you to work on themselves as a person and not expect you to do all the changing.  Not everyone in marriage is that lucky.  

Some people are in marriages with alcoholics or drug addicts, gambling addictions or worse, are being physically abused.  But.... BUUTTTT you say - "I don't mean them!"  You try to justify sharing your meme by saying "I didn't mean those who are in UNSAFE relationships, I just meant MOST marriages."  Well, then - where do you draw the line?  Cheating?  Verbal abuse?  Sexual abuse?  Controlling personalities?  Where?  What makes you the marriage expert and gives you the right to make someone reading your shared meme feel like a failure because they didn't "sit down and figure it out" or worse - because they did set boundaries (like when is that ever a bad thing?) for their own health and well being?   

Memes like the one above make my skin crawl, and it isn't just because of the complete lack of appropriate punctuation and ability to follow conventional grammar rules.  It is because of the condescending, shame creating spiral it causes in anyone who is unhappy in their marriage.  And what do people deserve?  TO BE HAPPY.  You want to know what's worse than divorce? Try living in an unhappy marriage for years and covering up that unhappiness with alcohol or spending or work because you can't stand your life.  You know what else is worse?  Having your kids growing up in an unhappy household and knowing that they are growing up thinking that this is what marriage and relationships look like.  Now that is scary.  

This second meme is ridiculous.  They were not born in a time when "if something was broken you fixed it."  Well, maybe if you're talking about the 1950 Ford Thunderbird, then yes.  But as far as marriage and relationships go, they were born in a time when physical abuse was allowed and overlooked.  When alcoholism wasn't a recognized disease.  When a woman stayed home and took care of the family, not matter what, and she was solely reliant on her husband for everything.  When she literally couldn't afford to leave her husband and was basically trapped in whatever relationship she had.    She had no say, no rights and no options.  My grandparents grew up in this time.  You know what advice I got from my grandfather on my wedding day?  He grabbed my arm, pulled me down to eye level with his wheelchair, looked me dead in the eye and said, "If he ever hits you, just remember, he will go to sleep eventually."  I've laughed often telling that story, but let's take a minute.  He wasn't kidding.  He dead thought that my only recourse to an abusive husband was to kill or beat him while he slept.  That is the kind of time he grew up in.

It took me 16 years to get out of my shame spiral and file for divorce because I didn't want to be the  person who gave up on my marriage.  My parents didn't raise a quitter.  I didn't want to "hurt my kids".  I thought all marriages were like mine.  Boy, was I ever wrong.  The best thing I ever did for my kids was GET DIVORCED.  My divorce taught my girls a lot of very important life lessons.  It taught them that...

*It's never too late to stand up for yourself and start over. Never be afraid of new beginnings.
*Sometimes change is really hard, really really hard, but so worth it in the end.
*Love isn't sarcasm, put downs, yelling and silent treatments.
*Love is hugs, helping each other, supporting each other and affection.
*Setting boundaries for how others treat you is okay - expect others to treat you with respect.
*You deserve the best and to be treated like your significant other feels lucky to have you.
*It is better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
*You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.
*Sometimes you can work really hard at something and still fail.
*You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped or doesn't see a problem with their actions.  (My ex used to tell me all the time that if I had a problem with his drinking then I was the one with a problem.)
*Trust your gut.

Divorce isn't anyone's desired end result.  But it is necessary for some people to survive, mentally and even physically sometimes.  There are a lot worse evils in this world than divorce.  We need to stop acting superior for having stuck it out in a bad marriage.  We need to stop shaming those who want better things for themselves and their kids.  Maybe instead, remind our friends and share often, that we are always there for them - no matter what life decisions they feel they need to make.  Here's my official notice.  I won't judge you if you choose marriage, or divorce or life partner or the single life.  Call me.  We should chat.

#gabbystrong

As many of my friends and family know, our local community lost a beloved member just a few days ago.  Little Gabby Brown had just celebrated her second birthday when she lost her fight to leukemia.  Today is the day that hundreds of people, whose life she touched, will gather to say their goodbyes and celebrate her beautiful life.  But today is not where #gabbystrong ends. 

Yesterday the #gabbystrong t-shirts that were ordered arrived.  As several people lamented that the shirts came too late, it struck me that #gabbystrong does not need to end because Gabby's fight is over.  #gabbystrong is no longer just about Gabby's fight against leukemia.  #gabbystrong has shown us that no matter your size or age, you can face anything with positivity, a smile, a giggle and love.  #gabbystrong taught us that we are not alone.  Our communities have rallied around the Brown family with overwhelming love and support.  Through the power of social media, that community has grown to include all of southeast Minnesota and beyond.  #gabbystrong taught us to hold our families close and that family is the most important part of our lives.  #gabbystrong has shown us the kindness of strangers and the good people in this world.  #gabbystrong has helped us see how strong we can all be when our strength is needed.  We all need to be #gabbystrong today and moving forward into our futures, not just for the Brown family, but for ourselves, our own loved ones and those whose lives we touch. 

Today will be an incredibly hard day, for Gabby was a light in this world.  Her smile and laughter were infections, contagious and we all fell in love with her through the posts her parents shared.  There aren't words to thank her parents enough for bringing her light into our lives, but there are actions.  It is important that we know that her light did not go out.  When we keep her alive in our hearts and live our lives keeping #gabbystrong at the forefront of our actions, Gabby's light shines.  Whether your religion allows you to believe she is an angel in heaven or if she is simply an angel in your heart, Gabby's light needs to stay with us.  Let Gabby's light shine through your kindness to others and to yourself.  Let Gabby's light be there to lift you up when you are struggling or get your own bad news that seems insurmountable.  Let Gabby's light be there when you want to give up and you need to remember that you can keep fighting.  Let Gabby's light be there when you need to be strong for others as Gabby's family, friends, and community were for Gabby.  #gabbystrong means you've got this and you keep fighting.  #gabbystrong means never giving in.  #gabbystrong isn't just about Gabby, it is about all of us. 

Keep Gabby's family in your thoughts and prayers, not just today but every day.  Part of their fight is just beginning.  And always, always remember, together, we've got this.

#gabbystrong

I am a Mare Person too. (Who knew?)

There is a viral blog post going around, being shared by most of my Facebook world.  (This may surprise you, but a lot of my Facebook friends are horse people.  Who knew?) It's a great phone written by Lindsay Paulsen, titled "I am a Mare Person".  Link to Lindsay's blog  I love every word she has written, as do many mare owners, because we can relate.  Like Lindsay, I was also skeptical of mares and always tried to steer away from them.  Like Lindsay, one great mare changed that for me.  However, unlike Lindsay, when I looked back over my past horses in reflection, I realized that most of my great/favorite horses were indeed MARES.  Turns out, I may have been a mare person all along and I just didn't know it.

I think part of the problem is the anti-mare people are pretty darn vocal about it.  In fact, if you have ever tried to sell a mare, you know how the story goes.  Someone posts and "in search of" ad and what do they say 90% of the time, "Geldings only please" or "No mares!"  People are afraid of mares.  There are a million memes going around about "resting mare face" and "nothing scarier than a chestnut mare".  Even mare people will admit that sometimes mares can have their moments where they say "no thanks".  But let's just talk about that for a minute.  Usually, okay maybe every single time, there is a very logical and legitimate reason for why a mare says "no thanks".  And usually, after I look back on those moments I realize how dang smart those mares truly are. Because let's face it, (hides a little as she says it), mares are smarter than geldings.  C'mon gelding people.  Admit it.  You have to show a gelding 3- 4 times and then, maybe, the slow 40 watt light bulb will flicker.  A mare, you show her once.  She says nah, you show her again and she says, "fine, if I do this will you leave me the hell alone and be HAPPY?"  Ta da - trained that mare.

In all seriousness though, I thought I was a gelding person.  I thought mares were bitchy and cranky and not very cuddly.  Who knows why I thought that?  I fell into social norms?  Because we literally had a LOT of very very nice mares, who were cuddly and loving and very good to our family.  Giggles, Gretchen,  Chic, Shadow (the second one) and Cutie just to name a few.  I bought Ellie on a whim because she was so reasonably priced and I knew the guy who owned her was as honest as the day was long.  And that mare was wicked trainable.  Like, "show her one time and she's got it" trainable.  And she was loving and cuddly too.  And quiet.  And because everyone always freaks out about the dreaded "heat cycle" and throws around the word "marish", no - she was not "marish" and you never knew she was even in heat.  So why not have two Ellies?  Libby found another "Ellie" in that the two were as closely related as we could find.  Voila! China came into our lives.  As Libby loves to tell people, China was supposed to be her horse.  But Libby was busy with Ace and Zippy and well, who didn't have a horse?  Me.  So I started working with China.  The rest as they say is history.

However, just because it is history, doesn't mean I'm not going to take the blog space here to write about the amazingness that is China.  Keep in mind that when I started working with China I was coming from having ridden four geldings in a row prior to her.  (Not counting the few rides I had gotten on Ellie before she got hurt).  Those four geldings all had one thing in common to a varying degree.  They LOVED their buddies.  Some worked through it better than others, but they all had some form of buddy sour going on.  A couple were really good at the whinnying through entire classes, while still loping or doing their thing.  They all had their good points too, and I loved those big dumb geldings, but dang was that frustrating.  They were also literally big, DUMB, geldings.  Lovable, cuddly, DUMB geldings.  They learned plenty and improved a lot - but boy did they take some convincing.

Enter China.   From the minute I started working with her I would tell people how wicked smart she was.  So smart that it was a little intimidating.  She would pick up on things immediately, good and bad things.  You always had to be thinking to be one step ahead of her.  It was a little frightening to say the least.  But also, great fun.  Starting her under saddle was easy peasy.  She's quiet, steady and smart.  She could give a rip less if her buddy is next to her or back at the barn.  She trusted her humans and we made great strides.  Starting her was so easy.

As she has grown and been put into more and more stressful situations, she has shocked us to no end and really strives to do the right thing.  Does she drive me out of my blooming mind sometimes?  Yep.  But will she almost immediately go back to resting her head in my lap, or putting her forehead against my chest to say she's sorry?  Yep.  Is she ever going to be a 10+ loper?  Nope.  Do I love that mare to the end of the earth and back.  Uhh... yep.  As Tim always tells me, every little thing that she does that drives me crazy is LITERALLY an exact quality that I have as a human. Social anxiety.  Check.  Crabbiness when overtired, hot, cold, wet, or things aren't exactly as we would prefer to have them?  Check.  Anxiety and nervousness when performing in front of a crowd?  Check.  Craves attention and need constant reassurance that they are loved?  Check. 

Looking back over all the horses we have owned over the years (and that has been a LOT), I came to the startling revelation that I'm a mare person.  Hands down, no doubt about it, heart firmly in the mare column and not going anywhere soon.  There's a long list of mares to thank for that, but it took China to finally make me realize it.  And for the record, I may have told China this startling revelation.   In response, she may have given me a side eye, deep sigh and a look that clearly reminded me that she already knew, always knew and thinks I'm a little slow on the uptake.  She isn't wrong. 

I'm a mare person.  Should we start a support group?  Who's with me?

I'm officially the crazy chicken lady

Just as we are reaching the point of the year where I am going to be downsizing the flock before winter, we had hens decide to sit on eggs.  First it was the silkie hen.  I went to pick eggs one day and noticed she hadn't moved in a day.  The way she was hunkered down, I panicked and thought she was dead.  After trying to move her "dead" body with the shovel, she let me know, in no uncertain terms, that she was indeed not dead as she attacked the shovel with all the fierceness of a mother protecting her "young".  Unfortunately, true to new momma fashion, she had one egg under her.  She was a young hen and we believe she literally had laid her first egg and decided to go broody and try to hatch it out.  I didn't want her to go through all that sitting for one egg, so with Tim's help, I distracted her and shoved 5-6 more eggs under her.  We kept a close eye on her and she was a great broody, carefully keeping herself on those eggs day in and day out, until one day when she took a few minutes to grab a bite to eat and the coop door blew shut on her.  By the time I discovered that and went to let her back in, the eggs were cold and I assumed no good anymore.  She immediately sat on them again but I gave her a day or two and I was going to toss them.  Imagine my surprise when, instead, she greeted us with 4 baby chicks rolling around under her.  Yay, chicks.  But meanwhile...

Back in the chicken coop, the bigger black hen had also decided to try sitting on her eggs.  This was the same hen that sat on 20 eggs this summer and hatched out ONE.  That one chick made it one day before drowning.  We didn't have high hopes for this hen to be successful but her tote got moved with the silkie and her chicks into the "chick room".   Lo and behold a few days later and she hatched out 5 chicks of her own.  Now silkie hen is a good momma, but black hen is fierce.  Between the two of them, they divided out their corners of the chick room and protected their territory like boxers in a ring.  Each hen had a mutual respect for the hostility of the other and things seemed to be going along swimmingly.

And then Tim comes to me to tell me he found my hamburg hen, Jelly, in the hay room.  We were pretty sure she was dead.  We knew she was going in the hay room regularly.  We had no idea she had crawled back in as far as she could, about a foot from the ceiling and a good 20 feet back into the room and decided to start sitting on eggs.  She wasn't dead, but doing a darn good job of playing dead as she sat on those eggs.  I started panicking about what would happen if those eggs hatched.  I had visions of the chicks dropping between the bales and rotting.  (Insert gagging emoji/gif or whatever.)  I had visions of being attacked by Jelly as I tried to move her, her eggs or the bales to try to get her into a better place to hatch them out.  So we left her and slowly started to use the bales between the door and her so that we could hopefully get to them before hatching day.  We made it.  Kind of.  And then she started hatching those eggs.  In the hay mow.  Oh sigh....  Again, with Tim's help, I tried to check how many had hatched.  You laugh at a grown woman being afraid of a couple pounds of chicken, but let me just tell you, if you have never tangled with a hen protecting her chicks, you have no idea how terrifying they can be.  And keep in mind I was about a foot from the ceiling and surrounded by hay bales.  I was more than a little claustrophobic and slightly more terrified than I probably needed to be.  But she had hatched out 6 already, on her nest of 18.  I told Tim we would give her another day and then we would have to move her before the chicks started exploring.

Fast forward to time's up, this morning.  I tried to sneak up behind her and grab her, and very nearly got my hand pecked off for the favor.  So we had to use the net to catch her and then grab chicks as quickly as we could before they rolled off the bales.  Quickly we relocated her and her chicks to the chick room.  There was a bit of a kerfuffle, but they seemed to settle in.  However, when I got back to the hay room and went to remove the eggs, I heard peeping.  Not chirping per se, peeping.  Yeah, there were more eggs waiting to hatch.  Sigh.  So now I was a baby chick murderer because there was no way Jelly was going to sit on those eggs in a strange room with strange hens and with 6 chicks to guard.  Thankfully I still had my friend's incubator so we frantically plugged it in, relocated the eggs and hoped for the best.  Whatever that meant, because what were we gonna do with more chicks?  But I refused to be a baby chick murderer.

Off I went to work with 14 eggs in the incubator, 6 new chicks in the chick room, and 9 slightly older chicks as well.  After a long and busy day at the restaurant, I came home to the great chicken disaster 2019.  Apparently the black hen went on a murderous rampage against Jelly's new chicks and had killed two and very nearly killed a third.  In a little bit of anger and a lot a bit of running out of options, I kicked the black hen out, thinking I would just raise her chicks in the chick room myself.  Two minutes later I caved as she was desperate for her babies and their sad cries hurt my heart.  So then I had to try to catch her chicks, who had decided to hide amongst the other chicks.  Here's what I want you to picture.  Me, dashing around a room about 8 feet by 5 feet as two pissed off hens take running, flailing leaps at me, sure that I'm trying to get their babies.  All the while the chicks are frantically running around and I'm struggling to even catch one, much less than all 5.  Through it all, momma black hen is madly clucking outside and Sophie is "guarding the door", apparently from a random drive by pecking?  Finally I got the last of her chicks outside with her.  Feeling bad for them, I put a tote for them to cuddle up in, gave them their own waterer and tried to brainstorm a way to feed them apart from the rest of the flock in the morning.

I headed into the garage to discover 3 new chicks in the incubator.  I didn't know whether to celebrate or sit down and put my head in my hands.  What was I to do with 3 more chicks?  Obviously hens don't appreciate chicks that aren't their own.  But I had this great idea.  Once Jelly was asleep, I'd just slip these new chicks in with her current chicks.  By morning they would all smell the same and she would just be back to 6, maybe 7, chicks and all would be well.  Into the chick room I went, with 3 baby flutter bugs in my hands.  Jelly was asleep and I went to sneak the little ones under her when all of a sudden she came awake with a flurry and a fierceness.  I quickly put the new chicks down with hers while she dashed around the room, upsetting the silkie and chicks started running every which direction.  Finally Jelly settled back down on her chicks, including the new ones, one of her chicks remained with the silkie's and I shut the door calling myself lucky not to have lost an eye after tangling with pissed off hens.  Again.  Feeling hopeful but worried about all the chicks making it through the night, I took the black hen in the tote and moved her and her chicks into a pony stall for the night and wearily trudged to the house.  As soon as I opened the garage door and headed towards the house I heard....

...another chick hatching in the incubator.

I give up.

What is Champ Show?

If you have friends who open show in the northern Midwest, your social media has probably been flooded with Champ Show posts the last few days.  And you’re probably wondering what in the heck is Champ Show?  Champ Show is short for the WSCA Championship Show.  But to explain further WSCA is Western Saddle Club Association and encompasses all of MN, lots of WI, and people come from IA and South Dakota/North Dakota to show as well.  In order to qualify for the Champ Show a competitor needs to place first or second under a WSCA judge in each event they wish to compete in before the end of August.  The competitors at Champ Show are typically the best of the best of many breeds, all under one roof and in one arena.  I give props to the WSCA judges who are trying to judge a class of apps, quarter horses, POA’s, Arabians, Morgans, you name it and judging them all according to their breed standard.  Not each other.  It isn’t an easy task. 

At one point, and it may very well still be, Champ Show was the largest open show in the nation.  The show takes place over 5 days, two for the pleasure events and 3 for games.  For the pleasure events, patterns are run side by side in the large coliseum at the MN State Fairgrounds in St Paul. Rail classes are run in "cuts" of around 25 horses each with everyone hoping to make the "call back" for the final cut.  All that being said, for many of us, Champ Show is the culmination of the season of showing, our "state championship" to compare to high school athletics.  But Champ Show is more than that too.

Champ Show is crazy.  There are so many horses in so many barns, people and trailers and vendors and families and campers and.... Every direction you turn there are sequins and bling, sparkles, show sheen and the scent of fly spray hangs in the air.  There are competitors from 7-70, lunging or warming up their horses.  Trainers barking commands or drying tears.  Moms and dads with the grooming totes ready for a final wipe down and checkbooks at hand for those last minute expenditures.  There are tears of joy, tears of disappointment, laughter, hugs and yes- some dirty glances at the competitor who cut you off or ran into you in the warm up.

Champ Show is more than that too.  Champ Show is where your competition for the summer becomes your family and you root for each other to beat out the best from other states, associations or districts.  The kid that you tried to edge out all summer becomes the one cheering the loudest for you when you get to make that walk of pride to get your ribbon or the one there with a hug of condolences when you don’t hear your number for call backs.  It's you guys against the rest of the upper Midwest. It's nice to have a few like minded people in your corner.

Champ is sleeping in a folding chair, holding your horse's head in your lap and long walks from your stall to the ring.  It’s patting your horse on a well done pattern and patting your horse for not freaking out at the cart pulled by a mini. It’s snacks and concession stand food, camping and needing a shower for 3, 4, 5 days straight.  It’s hauling buckets and hay, picking stalls and having your horse still finding that one pile you missed.  It’s pulled shoes and chiros, sniffles and missteps.

Champ is having the ride of your life and not hearing your number or it’s leaving it all in the warmup and having your horse look rank in the ring.  It’s your horse nailing an element of a pattern you never thought she’d do and then 5 seconds later acting like she’d never been asked to do something she’s done a thousand times. Its expectations and disappointment and surprises all in the space of minutes or seconds.  A roller coaster of emotions from the second you leave your home until the minute you arrive at home.  And still days later, I can’t believe that Champ Show 2019 is over.

What is Champ Show?  It’s impossible to explain to someone who has never been, but even more impossible to explain to someone who has never sat astride a horse.  It's Champ Show and some day I hope to be back.

Anyone have some self confidence they aren’t using?

Sigh.  So Sunday was one of "those" shows.  It was one of those confidence busting, maybe I should quit, trail riding looks like more my style shows.  I hope that anyone who has ever ridden/trained/shown a young horse can relate.  But honestly I can’t blame it on China.  So I’m not even gonna try to place the blame anywhere but in my lap.  Showing horses is about setting these large animals up to be successful and I did nothing of the sort.
It started with me being in too much of a rush in showmanship and being at the cone through the Star Spangled Banner and waiting for the office to be ready and therefore our trot off was more of a sluggish slur to the first cone.  At that point my brain shut down.  It was downhill from there. I was too afraid to ask for more canter in English pleasure.   I blew a diagonal is equitation that I had all day to find due to a sitting trot prior.  I tried the single hand bit for the first time in western pleasure and she was not ready for that.  Then I rushed our horsemanship pattern because I just wanted to get her untacked and cooled out due to the extreme heat.  (Heat index was around 110 degrees.) The whole day was a complete bust other than surviving our first bareback lope class (and placing).  And I came home literally with thoughts of, what should I do instead of this horse show thing? I have a pony in the pasture I want to get going on games.  I could quit it all and just trail ride. I could just stick with walk trot.  Forever. You may call me dramatic, but that is where I was on Sunday.  I wasn’t mad at the judge.  I wasn’t mad at China.  I was (and still am to some extent) epically disappointed in myself.
It took everything in my being not to call the person I’m staying with for Champ Show and ask for my paperwork back.  It’s not that I won’t get a call back or a placing.  It’s that I will embarrass myself, our farm, and poor China who has only ever tried her heart out.  Logical Melissa knows that China could give a crap less if she flubs a pattern.  But I don’t want anyone watching us to think "what a crappy horse" or "she could do this or that with a different horse".  Nope, I couldn’t.  I do the same with every horse I ride.  I struggle. Maybe it’s a struggle some of the rest of you can relate to. Or at least one of you?  Please tell me I’m not alone.
I have anxiety. That’s no big secret.  Diagnosed general anxiety disorder with a helping of mild to moderate depression on top.  But I’m off all medications for 3 years now and doing great, most of the time. But there are times when I just want to pull the blanket up and quit it all.  You know, everyone gets tired of fighting sometimes.  For some of us, the reality is that the exhaustion, the self doubt, the self loathing is overwhelming. And telling us to just stop it or you’re fine or even worse, "you’re just being silly" isn’t going to help it.  Enter horse showing and a person has to wonder why I even started this hobby.

What keeps those of us with anxiety heading back into the competition arena?  We have anxiety, we have panic attacks.  We find it hard to face our fears.  But we are also fighters and we will not let anxiety win and keep us from doing what we love.  If we let the anxiety win, that is the only time when we are truly losing.  Like a great coach told me, "you miss 100% of the home runs you don't swing at."  (Or something like that.  You get the drift.)  Here’s what I know after Friday’s disaster,  I’m going to keep riding.  I love my horse.  I love the sport.  I know that with practice we can get better. I will keep riding and maybe get some more lessons.  It’s a helpless feeling knowing you aren’t improving and not knowing how to do anything about it.  What do you do when you’re stuck?  Get help! I will not let anxiety and lack of self confidence win.  I will not let it keep me in the corner or keep me from pushing myself to be better.  If I do, then anxiety wins and I’ve come way too far for that to happen.  So... to take a page out of my therapist’s handbook "What’s the worst that can happen if we flub a pattern or a pleasure class?" I throw away $3 and people get a good laugh at my expense.  I think that’s survivable.  How about you?

Horse show update - #3

Last weekend was our first DW Productions show in Cannon Falls.  On our way there, Sophie and I realized that the last time we had shown there was 6 years prior for a POA show.  That was the last year Sophie showed and here we were again.  We just love the shows that Dani puts on, you can't find a more fun and well organized show than the one's Dani is in charge of.  Since we had decided against showing at any more of the MEC events for 2019, why not try a new venue?

It was a great show to take a step back with China and let her find her comfort zone with walk/trot classes. The warm up was definitely bigger than Winona, but China was still struggling with her "social anxiety" in the warm up the first day.  She was scooting and jumping so I tried to find her a quiet corner for her to stand in with her back to the wall and just watch the goings on. Honestly, I don't blame her sometimes.  There are people with little to no ring etiquette and it is a miracle that more people don't get run into.  It always surprises me that my boss mare is so afraid of every other horse outside her own pasture.  It was just what she needed to work on building that confidence again.  Once in the ring, she just did her thing.

And boy did she do her thing.  Saturday was a clean sweep of all our classes, except egg and spoon.  Honestly - WHAT IS THE SECRET to that stupid class.  My egg literally starts shaking and moving at the walk.  I do not understand how you people manage to keep it at the lope.  We even took home a special award for our debut of the Wonder Woman outfit (with bright blue scarf).  They were having a red, white and blue contest in honor of the Fourth of July weekend and we were judge's choice.  Woohoo!  Sophie was horribly embarrassed and felt the whole outfit was "over the top".  But I love it and I love my hat that Jake custom made for it.  It's perfect.  (I will not wear the giant blue scarf again, but it was a special contest!)   After our last bareback class, the judge (who had seen us the week before) commented that China looked amazing and that we had really knocked it out of the park all day.  One thing I'll give my mare, that girl can trot.

Because we have a 1994 Suburban and an even older bumper pull stock trailer, we were one of the few people at the local hotel that evening.  We joked that we virtually had the hotel to ourselves and people missed out.  The Saratoga Inn has really been doing a great job of fixing up the place.  We were very comfortable and taken care of and appreciate the recommendation and the reduced horse show rate.  We also made sure to spend extra time back at the show grounds watching the games and visiting.  It was so fun to watch and catch up with some of the game folks too.

The next day China and I had another great day.  She was just a little bit better again about the warm up pen and we felt confident enough to try the bosal in pleasure and bareback horsemanship.  If her rider could get her head on straight she might have remembered it was a left forehand pivot (not the right) we could have nailed the English equitation pattern.  But I was very proud of her horsemanship pattern though.  We just need to work on our pivots!  Guess what folks, we placed first or second all day long, even in our least favorite class - egg and spoon!  YAY!!  We will continue to work on loping and show in the lope classes at SEMSCA and other open shows we may attend, but it was nice to take a step back into China's comfort zone and help her to find her happy place again for a weekend too.  It was a real surprise though to hear that we had won the overall walk/trot buckle for junior and senior combined.  Was not expecting that one!  Our fourth buckle together!

Let's talk about Sophie.  Sophie was the one who pushed for us to go to this show.  She wanted to take Mercy to a big show and lope against other ponies.  Since this show had a pony division, off we went.  She worked SO hard with Mercy because she wanted to add bareback to her pony's list of events.  They rode every day, sometimes twice a day and worked their tails off prior to the show.  Folks, this pony was a gem all weekend.  Where she struggled with the right lead at the show prior, she never missed it once all weekend long.  She barely whinnied to her BFF China.  She was never spooky or scared or looked at anything sideways.  And there was plenty to look at at this show.  Complete with people sitting right on the rail that even hissed at her when she went by.  (Still not sure what that was about...)

Mercy hasn't been a cake walk.  The first couple of weeks we had her I hated the little toot.  She was definitely a prima donna who thought she was pretty special.  I have told a few folks privately, but Mercy was kind of a challenge.  Sophie admitted once to me recently that she was a little afraid of her and almost gave up on her, but couldn't admit defeat.  Mercy went through a whole bag of tricks to try to get rid of her rider.  First trying to buck, then rearing and there was a period of some bolting too if I remember correctly.  One by one, Sophie checked those things off the "think again ya little turd" list and Mercy realized that being a good girl was a whole heck of a lot easier than being a sassy shit.  We used to joke that the song that goes, "Oh she's sweet but she's psycho, a little bit psycho" was written about Mercy.  Not true anymore.  This pony has a whole new outlook on life and it is onwards and upwards from here.  All because of Sophie. So proud of her for sticking with her little project and the two of them have really come together as a team.

Saturday was also their day.  They did so great in all their classes, that Sophie had the confidence to try that bareback class.   They were faster than the rest of the class, but Sophie rode the heck out of that pony.  They didn't place, but they checked "bareback" off their list of accomplishments.  They placed first in almost all of their classes.  Sunday was also their day.  This time they did place first in all of their classes except showmanship (2), egg and spoon (5)  BUT they pulled out a fourth in a tough bareback class.  They had such a great weekend that it wasn't much of a surprise when weekend high point winners were announced.  Sophie and Mercy won the buckle, and Sophie's first ever buckle, for the pony division.  I am SO proud of all the hard work she has done training her pony and getting her show ready.  They have come so far, I can't wait to see where they are headed.  Best part was that her buckle was donated by the same person who leased us her first walk/trot pony.  She sure has come a long way from Buddy to today, but great ponies like Buddy are the ones who got her to where she is.

Speaking of great ponies, one of the other ponies in the class was Cotton, her last show pony.  It was so great to see him with his new girl and it was even more great to see Sophie and Cloe hanging out together all weekend.  Having horse friends in the best.  I'm super thankful for the laughs I had with Heidi, Amy, Julie, Jonathon, Kim, Rio, Amy and so many more.  The best part about horse showing is the friends we make along the way.  We are so proud of Cloe and Cotton and their reserve place finish.  He has the best home and rider with the gang there.

So many people to thank for a great weekend.  Thanks to Dani for holding the show.  Thanks to Jake Thompson for making my hat to complete the most perfect outfit.  Thanks to Libby for doing chores so we could all have a much needed weekend away and know the critters were in good hands.  Thank you to Ken Friday and Anne Dkystra for planning your breedings and bringing such great critters into this world!  Thank you to Harmony Agri for the top notch feed keeping my ponies fit and shiny.  Thank you to Chosen Valley Vet and Bryce for getting China through her mysterious illness and back to her old self. Thank you to my coworkers and manager that covered shifts so that I could have the weekend off.

But most of all thank you to my amazing hubby, Tim.  I know that more than a few people wanted to hire him as he was the handiest groom/barn help there is with unloading, loading, cleaning stalls, filling water, etc...  Many "show dads" joke that they are in directors in charge of finance and transportation, but Tim goes so far and above that.  He makes a great post to hold any horse, but he also gets every pattern and runs through it with me a hundred times before each class.  Which is a good thing because (other than that stupid forehand pivot going the wrong direction) I didn't miss anything in a pattern for the first time ever.  He even questions me about cone placement and how to exit and all those minute details like "where are you going to stop in reference to the cone".   Who knows how to do that?  My hubby.  But that isn't the only way he takes the coaching role seriously.  He also reminds us to have a good attitude.  He makes us try classes we don't think we should AND he gets me coffee.  Does it get any better than that?  Oh yes, yes it does.  He video tapes AND takes pictures.  We wouldn't have any memories of this amazing weekend if it weren't for him.  Thanks to him, I have framers like this one.  Thanks honey!

What's next?  Back to back SEMSCA shows this weekend in Albert Lea.  New arena, new challenges, same great ponies.  Hope to see lots of you there!

Horses are such a waste of money!

It's been a while since I posted, sorry!  I keep meaning to get better at that.  But you know - life.  But something worth saying has brought me out of my self imposed, blogging semi - retirement.  It would have to be something worth talking about, right?  Well, it is worth it to me I guess and since this is my blog, that's all that matters.

Any horse person who has been a horse person for any length of time has had someone tell them that horses are a waste of money.  Before we all gasp with the audacity of someone, let me remind you that we all know that some people really struggle to keep their unwanted opinions to themselves.  It is just human nature for them to say everything that comes to their mind, whether it is kind and helpful or not.  So let's get past the outright rudeness of the statement and hear my response to this lovely comment.

I didn't always have a good response to this.  I had an ex who did everything in his power to make me feel guilty for loving and having horses.  I was told I was selfish.  I was given the guilt trip, "just think what we could have and do as a family if you didn't have horses."  Looking back I feel like it was just one more of those times where he pushed to see how much I would give up, how miserable I would make myself just to keep him happy.  He found out, that he was pushing against a fairly immovable wall when it came to horses.

When Tim and I were dating, I made it clear that I had horses.  And that I would continue to have horses.  And that I wasn't giving up my horses for any man.  And that, I was indeed, a crazy horse lady.  He learned, and maybe was explicitly told, that it was a no compromise zone for me.  I work two jobs, one almost entirely to support my horse hobby (I say hobby - you say obsession or addiction, toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe, blah blah blah.)  I'm not giving them up until I am ready to give them up.  Tim, bless his ever patient and loving heart, has only ever been super supportive of my love of horses.  I'm so thankful for him.  But others, still feed the need to comment on how horses are a waste of money.  The other day, I realized something and feel like I am ready to respond to anyone who feels the need to tell me that "horses are a waste of money".

Picture this, you're sitting with a group of people and someone tells you, "your horses are a waste of money".  Normally you would try to argue this point by saying that you have bought horses for a certain amount of money and then sold them for more a year or years later.  You might try to argue that you have raised a foal out of your horse and sold it for money.   But any horse person can attest, especially with the rising cost of hay and grain, that this argument is weak and generally, invalid.  By the time you feed them, provide shelter, vaccinations, farrier care, vet emergencies, and general health care - you are way past any income you may get from a future horse sale.  And that's not even figuring in the cost of all the shows or other horse related events you may attend or the tack to ride/enjoy the horse. So stop trying to justify owning horses by discussing how they can make you money.  Because for 99.9% of us, that just isn't true.

What is a valid argument is this - horses are a hobby that I love.  Almost everyone has a hobby that they love.  For some magically lucky people, they have managed to turn their hobby into something that can make them money, think of a woodworker, metal crafter, quilter, that sort of hobbiest.  For most of the rest of us, our hobbies are just that, a hobby.  The very definition of hobby is "an activity done regularly in leisure time for pleasure".  It doesn't say anything about "to make money".  So let's go back to our hypothetical situation....

Instead of arguing that they are going to make you money, be honest!  Respond that you are well aware that horses are an expensive hobby that requires a significant influx of money to support every day, week or month.  Acknowledge that they are correct.  Then let's look at their hobby....
"You're right, Johhny Judger, horses are expensive and a "waste" of money.  But then, most hobbies tend to be just that.  Let's look at your camper, seems to me that's a giant waste of money too?"  This is where they will try to justify their hobby - it is fun to watch the tables turn.  They will probably start with, "camping is where we spend time together as a family".  This is a good one because it is absolutely one of the reasons that we have horses and show together as a family. I love when people make my point for me.  They usually follow this with that they can always sell their truck, motorhome, camper down the road.  This is where I remind them that I can typically do the same with my horses and while most vehicles depreciate rather rapidly, by working with our horses we can usually increase their value.  Then they remind me that horses need daily upkeep, chores, care.  And I remind them that so does their dog, cat, hedgehog, etc...  in fact, horses on pasture typically need less daily upkeep than even the family dog.  As a last ditch they usually try to tell me that "yeah, but everything you buy for horses is so expensive too".  Respond by asking them when the last time they walked in a Cabellas or RV store was. 

Truthfully, this argument can go on endlessly and the truth is the argument is this - who wins in a "your hobby is more expensive" argument?  Nobody.  I will never understand (and I did it for years) the point in leaving my well equipped, everything where I want it, hot running water and fully functioning heat and air conditioned house for a tiny little replica out in the middle of nowhere.  I will never understand choosing to spend time in the bugs and more bugs and did I mention bugs; smelling like smoke and BO and bug spray all while everything is always damp and damper if it is raining.  But it isn't my hobby.  I don't understand going out on the lake or river with only a tiny piece of fiberglass between me and certain death.  I don't understand killing one tiny, squirmy, disgusting little creature by tricking another larger, slimy, disgusting creature into trying to eat it - only to throw the larger creature back into the water after catching it.  But it isn't my hobby.  I do not understand strapping a couple pieces of wood or fiberglass or whatever skis are to my feet and then shoving off from the top of a steep hill, tempting death and trying to make it to the bottom with all your joints still attached to the things they were originally attached to. But it isn't my hobby.  I do not understand sitting in a tree with a loaded weapon in -10 windchills, smelling like deer pee and waiting for even one wild animal to cross close enough for you to blow its life away.  But it isn't my hobby.

I'm sure for every person who doesn't see the joy in camping or fishing or skiing or hunting, there are equal or greater number of people who don't see the joy in trail riding or horse showing.  Our hobbies are ours and ours alone.  There is no reason to judge someone for what makes them happy.  I can give you a thousand reasons why my horses are not a waste of money to me, but really all you need to know is that my reasons are mine and mine alone.  I don't have to justify them to you.  My happiness is my responsibility and one I am more than willing to accept. 

Horse Show Update: #2 - 2019

Well, it hardly seems possible that the seven weeks between shows flew by so quickly and we already have our second MEC show under our belts.  Even more unbelievable was that China was able to come with us this time.  At the time we were at the last MEC show, China was still not eating and we were not sure she was even going to be around by the time April 26th rolled around.  I never would have believed she would have gained enough weight for me to even consider showing her.  Did she look great?  Not even a little bit - I'd like to see at least 50, but preferably 100 more pounds on her yet.  Did she feel great?  Judging by her obnoxious behavior, I'm going to go with yes.  You may all remember my vow never to call her a cow again, but boy did she make that difficult this weekend.  Having a couple months off and getting 10 lbs of grain a day (and all the alfalfa she can eat) makes for a sassy, skittery big pony.  She's going to be getting a lot of desensitizing over the next month and we are going to be hitting some open shows so she can see lots and lots of commotion.  Any volunteers to come ride at our place and cut us off, run up on our butt and have angry tails swishing in our faces?  All those things were cause for alarm this past weekend.  One friend described it as her being claustrophobic.  Pretty good description.  However, her claustrophobia made Melissa arenadartphobic.

All in all it was a great weekend though.  China and I qualified for Champ Show in two classes this weekend, one being the first day for showmanship (check off one of my goals for this summer) and two being English pleasure the second day.  Yay for China and I.  There were a lot of things that went well so I'm going to focus on those.  We got our leads in our patterns!  We had one counter canter that we picked up and were doing great with, but then she switched on me. Not wanting to blow her little new to loping brain, I didn't pick a fight over it and just let her be.  That same pattern we also had a hand gallop down to a trot and she did amazing.  So proud of her.  She was a rockstar for the extended trot part of the showmanship pattern the first day.  I had no idea how that was going to go.  I asked Libby what I should do about it. 
Me, "Libby - extended trot?!  How am I going to do that?
Libby, "Does she even know how to extend in hand?"
Me, "Well, we did that hunter in hand class last summer."
Libby, "Well, do that then."
Me, "Run like hell and hope she comes with?"
Libby, "Yeah, that."
Me, "Gotcha."
China didn't disappoint and booked it right along with me and slowed back down when asked too.  Win!  We had our shining moments and I'm trying to remind myself it can only get better from here.  It's not like we haven't had our troubles getting here.  We even still had her "teletubby" windows.  She hadn't shed out yet a couple weeks ago and the places where they had clipped her for all of her tests were still highly visible.  I can't even pretend that I was able to blend them in with the clippers.  It flat out looks hilarious.  But what's a girl to do?  Like I said - it's a miracle she was even there.

Sophie and Mercy also had a great show.  It was their first time trying English.  Sophie was a little too nervous the first show to put that postage stamp, nothing to hang out to, English saddle on.  After practicing at home, they gave it a go at the show.  Mercy was so good that we actually had to make a purchase at the tack shop for the second day - spur straps.  She was too quiet and dead headed!  Not the problem we thought we would be having for English.  Super proud of that duo as they also rocked showmanship, taking home a second place one day (still hate showmanship, Sophie?) and overall had an amazing weekend.  Next show they are adding bareback - no excuses! 

Lastly, Cutie and I had our last walk/trot show together.  It made for a crazy weekend having a lope horse for my age group and a walk/trot horse too, but totally worth it.  Cutie found herself an amazing home clear across the country in sunny Alabama.  We had one last show together and she made it so hard as she gave me her best class after class.  I was okay on Saturday, but on Sunday as I realized that we were having our last English ride or our last western ride the day got longer and the reality that Cutie was once and for all and for real going to be "riding" out of of our lives set in.  She had been sold before, but down the road never seems very real until "down the road" is more than an hour away.  There were tears or fighting back tears more time than I can count. Cutie was everything I needed when China was acting like a nut.  She was safe and fun and well, Cutie like.  We had a lot of great rides and placed in big old classes as the only pony in the class.  I'm going to miss looking at everyone's boots as I go by.  Especially in that English class with the 17 hand hunt horses.  HA! 

Well - I had better get this show update posted as a couple weeks have gone by now!  (And China is officially shed out now - no more tellytubby windows!)

The phrase is "separation of church and state"

Repeat after me...

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

Those words are taken from the Bill of Rights, most specifically the first amendment to the Constitution.   No, let's be even more specific, the first PART of the first amendment to the Constitution.  For those of you who aren't history buffs like me (and don't watch historical documentaries for fun), what this means is that our founding fathers; people like Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Ben Franklin, John Adams, and so on, fought the American Revolution to keep religion out of politics.  Not to keep religions other than Christianity out of politics, to keep ALL RELIGIONS out of politics.  To the next person who says, "our country was founded on Christianity", I'm going to hand you a history book.

These men and their families, and the friends' families, and their families before them, many of them left Europe because of religious persecution.  In other words, they were put down, mistreated or otherwise vilified because the religion they practiced wasn't the religion of choice of the current king or queen.  The principal that all religious beliefs be allowed and accepted in the new country was important enough to them that it was the very first idea in the Bill of Rights, a crucial part of the Constitution for the new country they had fought, sacrificed and so many had died for.  Yet here you are over 200 years later saying any religion but Christianity isn't okay?  And then justifying it by trying to claim that our founding fathers would have agreed with you?  Wrong.

While we are on the subject of religion - religion doesn't belong in the public school system either, for the very reasons listed above.  If you want your child to attend a religious school, they have those.  Lots and lots of those.  If you choose to have your child attend a public school, then you are choosing to go with a state run school and religion has no place in government or politics.  That doesn't mean your child cannot share, pray or otherwise acknowledge their religion in school.  It is perfectly acceptable for your child to pray before they eat or at prayer time.  I have had students do so in the past and would welcome any child who does so in the future, to whatever God they choose.  With that said, this meme needs to go away...

Again, if you share this meme I used to ignore it.  Not anymore.  Every single time I see it I am going to say something.  First of all, who ever said the pledge was not okay?  Everyone says it.  We say it at FC, my kids said it at DE and I don't know a single school that doesn't say it.  Do I think the words "under God" should be included in the pledge?  Nope.  So if you choose not to say it because your religion does not allow you to pledge to another God, I'm completely understand that.  Before you get your panties in a twist, let me remind you that the Pledge wasn't even written until the late late 1800's.  One hundred years AFTER the country was founded.  When it was written, the Pledge went as follows "I pledge allegiance to the Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."   It wasn't until 1954 that Eisenhower and Congress added the words "under God".  So yes, the top picture in the meme is 100% okay and so is the bottom.  It isn't an either or kind of thing.  Both are okay.  Both are allowed.  Both are acceptable.

While we are having a history lesson, our founding fathers didn't put "in God we trust" on our original money either.  That was added later, as in times of war and fear, people turn to their religions for comfort.  At no time in our history was our country more shattered, more upset, more in turmoil than the Civil War.  It was at that time that a faction of devout Christians proposed that our coins be changed to reflect a new united nation that believed in one higher power.  Since our government had an overwhelming majority of Christians, possibly all, at the time, it was easy for the changes to pass through and seem like a good idea.

Our country wasn't founded on the Pledge, it wasn't founded on "in God we trust" and it wasn't founded on a Christian God.   It was founded on respecting others, freedom to choose to be different and have different beliefs, and human rights to have your own thoughts and ideals - even IF they are different from the collective masses.  The word "freedom" didn't come with stipulations.  It wasn't "free to follow one religion, speak one language, celebrate one set of holidays, or pray one way.  Freedom doesn't have limitations.  You can't beat your breast claiming that our country is the best there ever was and wave our flag saying you are a true American, unless you can embrace the ideals that our country was truly founded on and ACCEPT others for not being like you.

Our country is not suffering because we have taken the church out of schools or public places.  Our country suffers when people take religion out of their homes and their own lives.  If you want your kids to be Christians and live the Christian life, they don't need to learn that at school; they need to learn math, reading, science, grammar, etc....

Our first Waverly small animal swap

A week ago, on Saturday, the family and I attended our first Waverly small animal swap.  This isn't the girls and my first animal swap ever, but it was our first animal swap in YEARS, like ten of them at least.  The last time we went to a small animal swap there was a grand total of maybe 12 - 15 sellers and we still came home with a guinea pig and a bunny or two and had a blast.  (Well, other than Sophie shutting her finger in the door, but small animals had a way of even making that pain go away.)  ANYWAY....

When I saw the dates for the Waverly swap come out on social media I immediately put them in our family calendar.  I have heard great things about this swap but nothing prepared us for the awesomeness that was Waverly.  We could tell by the cars as we arrived that it was going to be busy and we weren't disappointed.  I'm guessing there were at least 100 sellers with everything from cages (good thing too because we bought a second one) to toys to every kind of small animal you can imagine. The really crazy thing is that people come and go from this swap for a solid 24 hours, through the night even.  These people are serious about their small animals.  We walked up and down the muddy rows and tried to look in every cage.  I would like to say I went to the swap with a plan.  That would be a blatant falsehood.  I went to the swap hoping to find hens.  I was not prepared for the sheer volume of choices, breeds, sizes and prices available.

In the beginning we left the carrier in the car.  This proved to be a mistake as chickens we were interested would sell before we got through the swap and back around.  So about halfway through we decided to buy a second carrier to go with the one still in the Traverse.  Believe it or not, it was actually Tim's idea. Silly man, two carriers means twice as many chickens!!  Sophie wanted more turkens (weird kid that she is), Libby wanted silkies and Melissa wanted chickens of any size, breed, color, egg color - just chickens!  I had a few breeds I would have loved to find, but not picky.  Only hens though so that did put us out of the running as some people only sold trios or pairs.  We all ended up getting what we wanted.  Throughout the couple of hours that we wandered the swap we got two silkies, some banties, some Easter egg layers and some speckled Sussex.  We sent Tim back to swap carriers at one point and it was his reminder that sent us back at the very end of the swap to find Sophie's request, turkens.  We did find two more little turkens and she picked out some fun colors.

Despite the fact that we were mainly chicken shopping, we sure enjoyed looking at and dreaming about the many MANY other animals we saw there.  I will never forget the hilarious look on Libby's face when the trailer behind her let out a very loud and determined bray.  I'm not sure if she thought the trailer was exploding or what, but she sure had the wits scared out of her.  That trailer held an adorable mini donkey, as did so many others.  We will have a donkey again someday!  One wouldn't fit in the back of the Traverse though, darn it.  We also saw every breed and color of ducks, geese, swans, pheasants, pigeons, quail, turkeys and peacocks.  Boy, those peacocks were sure gorgeous.  Hard to leave them behind.  We learned a bunch too.  I love how many of the sellers weren't afraid to talk to you about their animals and explain what they were, how they were raised, etc...

It wasn't just donkeys and birds though.  There were calves, pigs, llamas, mini ponies, sheep, skunks and patagonian cavies too.  Oh yes.  Skunks.  Descented, I'm sure or it would have been a mess as they were obviously nervous.  They were not your typical black and white either, these were apricot colored skunks.  Kind of cool, but I had no desire to bring one of those home.  Carter and Sophie both argued hard and long about the other animal we saw a LOT of at the swap though.  Both were bound and determined we need to add a goat to the farm.  There were goats of every size, breed, color and age to choose from but they were both met with a firm "no" at this time.  I had my reasons against bringing home a goat, like gardens, flowers and my sanity, but they were sure disappointed. Maybe next time....

If little tiny critters are more your thing, there were plenty of those too.  There were guinea pigs, hamsters, mice, rats, hedgehogs, sugar gliders, chinchillas and pretty much everything that falls into the "creepy, crawly" or "fuzzy wuzzy" category in my book.  I'm not going to lie that I rushed past a lot of those sellers because the cute little sugar gliders and chinchillas were usually caged right next to 20 or so mice that looked fairly determined to escape their cages.  They are cute.  In a cage.

All in all, our first Waverly swap was well worth the drive and a success story.  We will be back and we will be more prepared the next time. Libby and I think we should bring a trailer for the next go around.  I'm not sure why Tim isn't keen on that idea?  I mean, just because I have a trailer doesn't mean I will fill it, right?

Stop Bullying!

I see it all the time on social media.  People love to post that we need to stop bullying in schools.  Heck, the First Lady has made it a platform and a program she is pushing and she even has a catchy name for it.  Be Best! I couldn't agree more with everyone's anger and outrage at the rampant bullying in our schools.  The bigger problem people don't want to acknowledge is that the bullying doesn't start in schools.  It starts at home.  I'm not talking about kids being bullied by their parents or siblings or even cousins.  I'm talking about parents bullying other parents. 

Our kids are always watching and learning from us.  Don't believe me?  Ask yourself if your toddler ever said a swear word.  Did you toddler ever say something that was a direct quote of something you said?  I believe Libby's was "too bad so sad" and I think it was Sophie that said, "Are you going to cowgirl up or just lay there and bleed?"  Yeah, they didn't hear that from a cartoon on TV, they heard that from me, probably more than once.  No, I wasn't talking to them, but they were listening.  They are always listening.  They are listening to our interactions with our spouse, they are listening when we are on the phone and they are listening when we are visiting with our friends.  They are listening when we talk about the bills, what we are making for supper and they are listening when we make the choice to talk about someone behind their back.  As parents, we need to be better examples of how we talk about and judge others. 

Their homes are the number one place where kids start forming their opinions about the world around them.  We need to fill those experiences with kindness and acceptance.  We need to stop with judging others by the color of their skin, the clothes that they wear, their gender, their sexual preference, their political affiliations or the choices that they make.  We are not their judge and jury.  Our place is to accept people for who they are and support them in those choices.  We need to model civil conversations and disagreements.  We need to show our kids that we can disagree with someone without resorting to name calling.  We need to model asking questions and for explanations, not belittling and back talking.  We need to be better because the world they live in is not.  The last 3 years has taught me that.

A person used to be able to look up to our political leaders and examples of how to conduct themselves.  They could disagree respectfully.  They could conduct themselves like adults who are able to have a civil discussion.  Today's politicians are far from civil and polite or even respectful.  The president sets the bar and for years now, Trump has been pushing that bar lower and lower.  It's no surprise that since the campaign began and Trump showed us that a person, well a white privileged male, can get elected even while mocking a disabled reporter, a war veteran who was a POW and all women saying he can "grab them by the pussy", violence and bullying are on the rise.  At the same time as Melania is telling people to "be best", her husband is name calling, ridiculing and mocking others.  It makes our job as parents more difficult but not impossible.  We can still set the example for what America needs and what America needs is more acceptance, not more hatred and division.

If we want to end bullying, we need to end it at home.  We can't expect teachers to end bullying, especially when our president's own son is telling students they don't have to listen to their "loser teachers".  Article about "Loser Teachers" We loser teachers can't do it all.  We need your help as parents.  We need you to have the conversations with your own kids.  But more than conversations, we need you to set the example.  We need parents to show their kids how they accept that others may not always act the way we expect them to act.  We need parents to show their kids it is okay to have different beliefs, not just okay - but interesting, a chance for us to learn.  When you disagree with someone, we need you to demonstrate that you can communicate without mocking or name calling.  That it is okay to just agree to disagree.  We need to demonstrate being upfront and honest with someone, in person, and no longer hiding behind our screens. 

We need to stop bullying in our homes and stop waiting for someone else to stop it for us.  We need to stop telling our kids to do as we say, not as we do and start practicing what we preach.  Then and only then, will we see a change in the world.  Change begins with us.  Change begins at home.  Change is possible!

Article with early examples of Trump's bullying

I'm just not good at it

I hear this all the time in the classroom.  "I'm just not good at this poetry stuff."  I"'m just not not good at finding figurative language." Or the one that makes my blood curdle and my stomach sick, "I'm just not good at reading."  Just the other day I was having the students get their desks ready to take the end of the unit poetry quiz.  One student asks for more study time.  I tell him that we had made review flashcards the day before in class and that he had had the entire evening to study.  He says, "Well, yeah, but I didn't." My response was that was a choice he had made then.  Five minutes into the test, as I'm walking around and monitoring, he chuckles and says, "I'm just not good at this stuff."  Not good at it?  Not good at something you didn't study or even look at once?  My response to him was, "Yeah, I'm not good at stuff I don't practice either."

Where does this attitude come from?  US!  We, as parents and aunts and uncles and babysitters and, you name it, we put this attitude into young people's heads.  I wish I could say I am better than most, but I'm not.  If I had a quarter for every time I have said, in front of my kids, "I'm not good at math".  Well, I'd probably be able to buy a nice TV or maybe a not so nice one... but if I've said it once, I've said it too many times.  Of course I'm not good at math.  I haven't worked at it in years.  And even when I was in school and studying math, my attitude got in the way of me learning more and exceeding.  I was convinced from an early age that I wasn't good at math.  Why?  Because it was hard.  Things you're good at are supposed to be easy, right?  Ummm.  WRONG. 

Think about all the things in your life you're good at.  Were you good at them the first time you tried them?  Doubtful.  I wasn't good at horseback riding the first time I tried it.  Lord, those pictures make me cringe.  It has taken years.... years... and lessons and research through books and videos and a lot of time on my butt looking up at the sky and thinking, "this is really hard, why do I do this" for me to get better.  And I'm still not great.  But I keep working at it. 

Want a more relatable analogy?  How about Mario Kart?  I used to be really good at Mario Kart.  When we had the recent epic winter and 10000 snow days, our family turned to the good old Wii to kill the boredom and do something together.  Enter Mario Kart.  I was embarrassed and lost badly every single time.  Do you know what I did?  I practiced.  Literally practiced playing a video game.  Yep, I'm a little ashamed to admit that, but did I ever tell you all how highly competitive I am?  I still can't beat Carter or Sophie, but hey - I've held my own and even beaten Tim a few times now. 

We need to stop allowing our kids to get away with saying "I'm just not good at it."  You're not good at it because you haven't put in the work.  Anything worth doing is worth doing well and that means practicing.  That means putting in the time and effort.  Things you're not naturally born with a talent for (and wow - the list of things that would be for me is quite lengthly) require even MORE practice.  Which brings me to how I am going to talk about this with my students today. 

After that student and I chatted, I waited for the kids to go home and created a slideshow.  The title of the slideshow is "Things I Have Never Practiced" with the subtitle "So I'm Not Very Good At".  In said slideshow I have some great fail photos of things like downhill skiing, NASCAR racing, scuba diving, playing the cello, (I may actually grab a co-teacher's guitar and demonstrate how NOT GOOD I am at playing something I have never practiced) and I think curling and mountain climbing.  Then I have a slide titled "Things I Practiced" with the subtitle "And am Kind of Good at But Need to Keep Practicing".  I have photos of horse shows, reading, writing, baking pies and yes - even Mario Kart.  I am having a little fun with it and definitely poking a little fun at myself at the same time, but hopefully the message sinks in with at least a few of them.  We had an excellent discussion and they were very honest (and laughed a little at the thought of me skiing). 

Things aren't always going to be easy.  There are some things in life that are going to be downright hard.  But if they are worth doing, they are worth doing well!  (PS - For the record, that credit for that quote apparently goes to like 13 different people including the Bible so.....)  So let's model and encourage our kids to work hard and (cue Army theme music) be the best they can be.