It’s like a pressure cooker in here.

So show season 2019 is just around the corner folks and you know what that means?  New year = new challenges.  This year China and I will really and truly be loping for the first time.  Oh I know, we loped as a two year old at SEMSCA.  But we were the only ones in the class.  And we loped at a couple of open shows last year.  But this year, no more walk trot.  And boy- I’m starting to feel the pressure. We’ve been working but sometimes- when you don’t know what you’re doing, all the practice in the world isn’t gonna make you great.  If there is one thing having horses has taught me is that practice doesn’t make perfect- practice makes permanent.  (And sometimes that means cementing the wrong damn thing in everyone’s mind.)

I’ve had several people private message me or ask about training their horses because I’ve "done so well with China".  Ummm.  Walk. Trot. We can walk and trot and even then I manage to screw it up lots of times.  And for the record- it isn’t the training.  She’s just that good.  I didn’t train her to go fast or to go slow or to do this or do that.  I just rode a lot and with time she just decided to do this or do that and when she did I said "holy crap, I don’t know why you did that, but (pet pet pet) you’re such a good girl!"  So she did it again and again.  If that’s training- I can train a naturally good horse any day of the week I guess!



I always send those folks on to actual trainers with a thank you for their vote of confidence and then my anxiety rises, because people are going to expect big things out of us this year and I fear they are in for an epic disappointment.  I once had a judge ask me if she was as pretty of a loper as she was a trotter- this was her as a 2 year old.  My response then was the same thing as it is now, "she’s got a big lope."  And now that she’s learning there is another way to lope besides the one speed God gifted her with from birth, we have a new problem.  Consistency.

I attended a clinic with her hoping to gain confidence.  Instead I gained more doubt.  Tim asks how riding went every time I come in the door after practicing.  I tell him the same thing, "We did stuff. I don’t know if it is the right stuff, but we did some stuff."  Only time and shows will tell I guess.
Here’s what I do know.  China and I won’t be winning any belt buckles or saddles this year.  I’m not being a pessimist or getting down on us.  Anyone who rides and shows horses knows that figuring out the lope is a big old job.  This is a learning year for us (much like her two year old year was a learning year for her).  I’m 100% okay with that. She’s going to be showing against seasoned horses with her novice trainer aboard and giving her as much help as I can (which isn’t nearly enough for a green 4 year old).  I just hope everyone isn’t disappointed in us.  Because there is something I do know, we are only going to get better.

I know we will keep learning and working and we won’t settle.  I know China is going to give her all every second of every ride and THAT is what I’m going to love about 2019, that mare’s big old heart and her big old try.  I know that even if we don’t have the prettiest lope, it’s my job to "sit nice" (as I used to tell my girls) and ride.  Because even horses that aren’t the prettiest movers, can still place in horsemanship, equitation and showmanship if their riders don’t screw it up for them.

So goals for 2019:
1.  Keep working on that lope.
2. Make it to another clinic to at least audit.
3. Get better at showmanship!  I can do this!  Place in the top 3 at some point this year.
4. Qualify for Champ Show in two classes.
5. Find my diagonals- without looking- IN A CLASS. I can do this at home every time.  Get in a class and I lose my mind.
6.  Share lots of laughs with my family and friends at every show.

My biggest goal is to always remember- it isn’t about winning classes or this or that judge’s opinion.  It’s about enjoying my horse and getting better with each ride.  It’s about being the best that China and I can be on that day and never forgetting how lucky I am to have such an amazing creature as my partner in crime. She’s my heart horse, my forever pony and the stuff little girl’s dreams are made of.

At least its not scabies

So a couple of my good friends and my family know that I’ve been fighting a brand new rash for over a month now.  I have had psoriasis for all but about 8 years of my life and nothing I’ve dealt with to this point compares to the helol that is this current rash.  It began on my arms and now has spread from everywhere from my neck to my ankles.  It literally is everywhere but my face, hands and feet.  And it itches.  A lot. 

I know how to deal with rashes.  I’ve had them before.  But after exhausting all my tricks and when it got to the point that I was bruising myself from scratching, I called the doctor.  I got in to see a nurse practitioner.  I was not impressed.  I left with five things; 

1. The reassurance that it was NOT scabies.  Which was reassuring and alarming at the same time.  I had literally never even contemplated SCABIES.  Like I didn’t even know people still GOT scabies.  For the record, don’t google scabies or you will have nightmares. So thank goodness it is not scabies, or at least she was pretty sure it didn’t "look like" scabies. 

2. A suggestion to apply cool washcloths to the rash.  Apparently she missed the part about it covering me from neck to ankle.  I still giggle picturing myself laying out on my bed in wet towels in the middle of winter suffering from hypothermia.  But hey- not itching! 

3. A prescription for prednisone for a week.  Holy crap how do you people take that?  It made my somewhat mild anxiety run rampant.  I literally had the shakes around 10:30 every day.  Not good and I was super relieved when that ran out. 

4. A prescription for some cream that did nothing. And a suggestion for lotions until I explained how I make my own and what goes in it and she admitted that mine was better. 

5. A referral to dermatology. 

None of those things did anything.  I was still waking up three- four times itching so badly and not able to sleep.  I called dermatology. I have an appointment that’s just a little ways down the road.  June 1st. (At least I won’t have to miss any school?). 

So a couple of weeks later I went back to the doctor.  I was reassured, again, that it isn’t scabies.  We actually had a pretty good laugh about that.  He agreed not to put me on prednisone again, thank goodness.  He told me to take my allergy med twice a day instead of once.  But admitted he had no idea what was going on.  He didn’t even have a fancy name for it, I officially have... wait for it...

A rash. With no hope. It’s awful.  It itches and I really miss sleeping at night.  But hey- at least it isn’t scabies.  

Christmas Letter 2019

Happy holidays everyone!  The annual Christmas letter is written and the holiday cards are ordered.  I say holiday cards because I ran a little behind this year.   I had a great idea to dress up the ponies and due to lack of time and not the right picture taking weather (and a little of my own laziness to be honest), we didn't get the pictures taken until last weekend.  Libby was kind enough to quickly turn our photo session into a holiday card and I promise they are ordered!  But those receiving a card won't get them until after Christmas.  They are scheduled to arrive on the 20th at the earliest.  Think of it as extending the holiday.

I apologize if this doesn't copy and paste well.  But the following is the Christmas letter.  I had a little fun with the letter this year and wrote it from the point of view of the ponies.  There are times where I wish they could talk, but there are just as many times where I am sure glad they can't tell me what they are thinking.  Enjoy!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the barn, the horses were snuggled and cozy and warm.  It was snowing after all and the ponies were kind of a bunch of pansies about the cold, especially those two new ones from Oklahoma.  Soft nickers were heard as they settled down to sleep and wait for Christmas morning. Let's listen in..

Mercy, "This weather here in Minnesota is for the birds!  Actually not even birds should have to live this horrible cold!  I miss Oklahoma." She shook her sassy sorrel head and her forelock flew in her eyes.  Cher chuckled at her. 

"Oh Mercy, you'll get used to it.  My winters in OK were nice, but it's great to be back with my family and sister again here in MN."  Cher had recently returned home to join her sister, Cutie.  "I know that Melissa, Libby and Sophie were so happy to have us both together again.  It's like a dream come true having both of us back in their pasture.  Right, Sis?"

Cutie, who was still chowing down her hay as she seldom missed a meal, snorted. "Yep.  Love that kid, Sophie.  She was a little timid getting back in the saddle this year after a 5 year break, but I was glad to help her out. She's a great kid.  And not only does she work hard at riding and training her ponies, she also plays like a million sports.  I heard that she's playing volleyball and basketball on the JV as a 9th grader.  And she's on a JO volleyball team too.  Which makes it hard for us to see much of her, but I'm not complaining about a winter off."

"Winter off!  I'm not getting the winter off!  Sophie says she's showing me next year so we have a lot of work to do.  I admit I don't know much, but I'm trying."  Mercy stomped her foot in impatience.

Sully nodded his head in agreement, "Me too.  Melissa says it is time for me to begin this training thing too.  Which mostly now consists of her trying to scare me with stuff and me looking at her like she's an idiot and not nearly as scary as she thinks she is." All the ponies in the barn chuckled except China, who pinned her ears, snaking her head at Sully.

"You watch it little man.  You can learn a lot from Melissa.  She's not perfect, and dang does she think that loping thing is completely necessary, but she does know some stuff.  If you ever want to be a show pony, you've got to start from the ground up.   Look at what we accomplished this year, high point overall judged horse for the MEC circuit.  We even won a saddle!" she exclaimed, but then mumbled, "although I wish she didn't feel the need to use it quite so often."

Sully slunk back in the stall and looked ashamed, "Yes, mam.  I'll be a good listener.  But what about the other girls that showed this year, how did they do?"

Cutie flung her head up and down in joy.  "Sophie and I were class winners and almost made it into the top ten, even though we only did half of the shows.  I had kind of forgotten a lot of this show stuff, but she really helped me remember.  And I know Peach got to move back to OK, but she and Libby were 5th overall judged horse and she and Joker were 7th.  Joker didn't even do the first show either.  Melissa was pretty proud of all of us ponies." 

Sully chimed in sadly, "I miss Joker, he was my buddy.  And I know that the family misses Libby too.  It's hard with her being away doing college stuff and learning to be a master digital media person (whatever that means).  It sucks growing up.  But!" he exclaimed in joy - perking up, "I love our new home!  It's so beautiful here with all the fruit trees and bushes, the grass, the trees, the grain and hay..."  All the ponies nodded and nickered in agreement.  "Melissa exclaims how happy they are all here too.  They even named it Berry Sweet Acres because of all the fruit that they never share.  And I love pears and apples too!"

China shook her head, "I don't know, it sure seems like we aren't getting much of a winter off with this new indoor riding arena that's so convenient.  But I guess a girl has to keep her girlish figure up over the long cold months ahead," turning to scratch at her slightly over round bay belly.  "But the family has been working really hard making this a nice place for all of us with clearing trees, putting in pasture and fences and Tim built us these amazing stalls so we can be warm and dry during the cruddy weather.   Although I heard he got a little help from some of the kids too."

Cutie retorted, "Not me!  I'm loving this break.  But Melissa said next year that I'm going to be Carter and Tim's new trail pony.  I'm hoping they are both too busy working on the family dairy farm, running track and Tim reffing basketball and coaching track so I can extend this vacation a little longer.  I kind of like my belly just as round as it is.  Although I hope to see some of Taylin this summer.  I'm awfully proud of her playing JV volleyball as an 8th grader and her track accomplishments.  She's a great kid and a good student too."  The ponies nodded as they knew they were lucky to have such a great group of kids to love up on them.

"You know what I don't love?" asked Cher, "Those darn noisy chickens and guineas!  They are everywhere and every color of the rainbow.  But they seem to bring the family great joy and they sure seem to love to keep the place bug free.  Hopefully the family doesn't add any more new animals to take care of.  I need all the attention I can get.  Chickens and cats and dogs and ponies should be enough!  Especially that Jinx, the aussie pup, she's an energetic one for sure."  They all nodded their heads in agreement at that one.  The pup had been a fun addition to the family and they knew she was much loved by the whole family.

Sully yawned wide and flopped down in the sawdust.  "I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired.  Time for this guy to get some sleep."  The barn was a flurry of ponies settling down to their sides and curling their heads in to rest.  China's motherly tone helped them all drift off to sleep as she reminded them of the true meaning of Christmas and told them all the story of Mary, Joseph and the birth of Jesus on a night much like the chilly one they slumbered through in a stable not so different from theirs.  As the ponies drifted off to sleep one by one, they slept knowing that their family loved them, loved each other and loved all the friends and family who shared in the spirit of giving and gathering that Christmas brings each year. 

Merry Christmas from all of us at Berry Sweet Acres ~
The Andrings: Tim, Melissa, Libby, Carter, Sophie and Taylin (and the ponies, chickens, dogs, and cats too)

A red flag warning

A year ago I wrote a post titled "Never Settle" after some inspiration from another woman sharing her story about her wonderful second husband.  I am always more than willing to oo and aahh and gush on and on about my very own personal unicorn, Tim.  But this time around, I want to make this post a little more to the point, a little less romance and happy endings, and a lot more practical advice.  I know, just what everyone wants, relationship advice from someone with a failed marriage, a few failed relationships and who has been happily married for all of one year and some spare change.  I am not claiming to be an expert here.  I'm sharing what I learned along the way and what I have found to be true.  Take it or leave it, as you can with any advice you read on the internet of course.

1.  Don't give up on your faith for anyone. 
This will literally come back to haunt you.  You may think love will overcome the fact that your relationship requires you to either turn your back on your faith or practice your faith alone.  It may for a while.  But there will come a point in your life when you will need your faith, you will turn to God (or whomever you choose as your powers that be) and if your partner does not support you in this, it will be a BIG problem.  For me, it was my mom's illness and then death. I needed God.  I needed my church and my faith community.  I was denied that and I couldn't move past that.  It was not "the straw that broke the camel's back" as they say.  But it was a big old bale of straw heaped on that overloaded camel's back. 

2.  Those little annoyances will become big problems.
At first they are cute.  Then they are annoying.  Eventually they become a big problem.  It's cute how they always hang their coat on the chair instead of the hook by the door.  It's a little annoying how they don't pick up their dishes or help with the laundry.  But someday, some day those little annoyances will just be more proof that the things that are important to you or that make more work for you, don't matter to them.  If they don't care enough to pick up after themselves and create less work for you now, how is that going to translate when you add more to your workload with kids?  Trust me, the partner that doesn't do the dishes now, isn't suddenly going to help with diapers, bath time, pet chores and dusting.  And it gets overwhelming.

3.  Red flags are red flags - don't discount them.
You know that icky feeling in your gut?  You know those things about your partner that you don't tell your friends and family because you know they will disapprove?  Yeah, those things.  Don't ignore them.  If your partner has some behavior that you're hiding at the beginning of the relationship, that's what we call a red flag; as in WARNING - ABANDON SHIP, get off the train, grab a parachute.  Whatever the analogy, the message is the same.  If he spends more than he makes, drinks too much, threatens to hit you, flirts with other women, makes fun of you, calls you names, yells at you.... don't make excuses, don't walk, run.  Run far, far away.  Those behaviors aren't going to go away.  The beginning of a relationship is the "honeymoon period" when everything is rosy and forgivable.  Magnify those behaviors times 100 and you have yourself 5 years into marriage.  Scared yet?  You should be.

4.  People do not change because YOU want them to.
This popped up on my newsfeed again and is always a good reminder.  It holds true for every single person in your life.  People are not going to change because you want them to.  They will only change when THEY want to, when it becomes important to them.  If there is something about your partner at the beginning of the relationship that you think will change with marriage or "growing up", I can almost 100% guarantee it will not change and they will not grow up.  Not unless they are willing to admit they need to change or that there is something wrong with their behavior.  Oh and I mean BELIEVE when I say admit, not just say that it's them that needs to change so you will "shut up and leave them alone."

5. If they have a long line of "crazy ex's" then you can be sure you're next.
Nobody has that bad of luck that they keep finding and falling for people with mental disorders.  If they do, they have a serious lack of judgment and maybe that is a serious enough character flaw right there.  100% of the time if someone is badmouthing every ex by describing them as "crazy", they are the "crazy" ones.  When you can't deal with them any more, you will be the next on their list of crazy ex's and the cycle will begin over again.  Most people have one or two crazy ex's in their past, not a laundry list.  It was the first giant wake up bell for me when my ex got pissed at me and told me I needed "loads of therapy" and went on to add that everyone woman he had dated needed therapy and he didn't know how he kept choosing people as messed up as us.  Even in my foggy, emotionally bereft state, a giant clanging bell went off saying, "Wait, if everyone you date needs therapy, maybe the problem isn't the people you're dating but YOU."  (Can I get a slow clap?)

6. Never ever enter into a relationship with a cheater.  Ever. 
If they cheated on their ex (or soon to be ex if you are the "other woman/man"), they will cheat on you.  Don't even try to argue this one with me.  You are not special.  You are not different than their ex.  Cheating points to a fundamental flaw in character.  I guess maybe if they cheated long, long ago when they were drunk and regretted it and grew up or something.  But wow - I'd still steer clear of that one with a 10 ft pole.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Good people don't make mistakes that crush the hearts and spirits of those that they are supposed to love and protect. 

Please click here and read for more information and explanation: Red Flags and Why We Ignore Them  It's a great website with additional information.  And as always, my door is always open if you want to chat. 

When we force our kids to choose

How many of you are divorced or were the child of divorced parents? How many of you can relate to the knowledge that our children (or maybe you as children yourselves) felt the pressure of being asked to choose one of your parents over the other?  Don't bury your head in the sand and say "I've never asked my child to choose."  Really think about not just what you said, but your actions; down to the littlest look, shrug or action.  Maybe even your inaction.  Have you ever made your child feel like they should "choose you" over the other parent.  The answer is, "yes I have."  Say it with me... "Yes, I have." Yes, you have made your child feel the pressure that they should choose you as their favorite parent. You have made them feel like they should choose to spend time with you instead of their other parent.  You have made them choose.  Think for a minute on how that made (or makes) your child feel.

I know that many of us did this with the best of intentions, maybe we think that their other parent is a bad influence or a toxic example.  Maybe we think that we are a better parent than they are.  Maybe we just want our child to love us the most.  Others just want to punish their ex's by taking away the one thing that matters most to any parent, the love of their child.   But the truth of the matter is that other person is their parent too.  You chose to make a child with that person and barring a few special cases, that child deserves both of you in their lives.  This isn't an easy lesson to learn and something that some of you need to revisit from time to time.

It is easy to translate the hurt and heartache that our ex's cause us to our own kids.  It is our job as parents to keep our kids out of the middle of our divorce.  It is our job to make sure our kids know that it is okay for them to love both of their parents (and any step parents) equally.  It is our job to make sure that our kids have the freedom to spend time with their other parent AND their extended family without worrying about upsetting us or making us "feel bad".  That second part may be the hardest part of all because it is usually a message that we are sending without even knowing that we are sending it.

I know I messed it up a lot.  And my ex did too.  A lot.  I can't apologize to my girls enough for putting them in the middle.  To this day my littlest will talk about how hard it was.  She has a hard time describing how her dad made her feel.  She talks about how he wouldn't come right out and say it all the time, but there were enough comments, enough deep sighs, enough dark looks that she knew, she knew what to say and to do in order to make her dad happy.  Talking about horses or wanting to ride horses did not make him happy.  Talking about me or how she was happy with us did not make him happy.  Be a hunter.  Be an athlete.  Go fishing.  Ride the ATV.  Do the things that make Dad happy.  She was little and she was smart.  She knew how to make Dad happy.  I'm sure she knew how to make Mom happy too.  The difference was she didn't care if I was happy.   She was acting out for me and she had consequences at my house.  She was being told the divorce was all my fault, that I had done some pretty horrible things and I didn't have as much money. Sophie admits to this day, "kids can be bought - at least I could.  And Dad had money.  Lots and lots of money and nice things."  Until she couldn't be bought any more and the things that were happening at the other house finally caught up to them.

There was a couple of glorious months when their dad and I tried to reset this relationship. I tried to help the kids open up their hearts and give him a chance.  And it worked for a few months.  Then he slipped back into his old ways and the rest, as they say, is history.  But we tried.  I swallowed my pride and what I wanted to say and I tried.  I tried coming up with excuses for his behavior again, like I had done for the 15 years we were married.  (The old "Daddy works hard and Daddy is just tired" excuses didn't work anymore.)  But I tried.  I wanted my girls to have both of their parents in their lives.  He just didn't want the same things I did and it didn't work out.  But I can sleep at night, because I tried.  Can you?

Can you sleep at night knowing that you have made your kids choose?  Have you kept your divorce and frustrations off of social media (ESPECIALLY if they share that platform with you and can see it)?  Can you look at your kids and know that they feel comfortable loving their other parent IN FRONT OF YOU?  Can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you have done everything in your power to let your kids know it is okay if they want to spend extra time with their "other family" or share the love of all that family with you?  Or do you have a collection of deep sighs, rolled eyes and shrugged shoulders in your toolbox to use against your kids. 

It's not too late.  It is not too late to admit you were wrong and change your behavior.  Be human and be honest.  Explain that you made a mistake and TRY.  Try harder. Your kids deserve better so be better.  You cared enough about this person at one point in your life to have children together.  Think of that the next time you roll your eyes when your child talks about how their dad wants to take them hunting.  

Sold means sold.

Seems obvious enough right, but let me explain what the word "sold" means to me.  Think of this as a public service announcement if you will.  But selling anything has me so frustrated and selling something "cheap" is the absolute worst.  Let me tell you the situation.

So we have a horse for sale.  We paid quite a bit more for her as an unstarted, barely halter broke yearling than I am currently asking.  She was everything we had hoped for except one big problem.  Even though I had asked the breeder prior to buying, she came up positive for PSSM when we had her 5 panel tested prior to using her as a broodmare as we intended.  (Not his fault - he was misled as well.) Now, you non horse people are probably wondering what that is.  To be brutally honest, many of us horse people are wondering what it is too.  I've researched about it loads, and the problem is there is conflicting scientific articles out there.  The basic gist that everyone can agree on is that it is a condition that has been around forever.  The old timers called it Monday Morning Disease or typing up.  Horses were fed differently and warmed up/cooled down better and it was manageable.  Then they figured out how to do genetic testing and called it PSSM.  And it still can be managed with diet and appropriate turn out and exercise.  Basically treat your horse like a horse and not a show beef steer and you're good.   Especially one like Kenya who has been, to this point, asymptomatic (never shown a symptom).  Some are never even affected by it and are simply carriers.  But even those of us horse people who don't know a ton about the disease know two things:
1. You should not breed them because they have a 50% chance of passing it on to their foals. (Although this has been challenged by some breeders as they have said if the stud doesn't have it the chances go down even more.)
2. Said horse becomes harder than hell to sell and everyone treats them like they have the damn plague.

So when we discovered Kenya had it I went back and forth over what to do with her for MONTHS.  Literally months.  I did not want her to end up in a kill pen.  I've put hours into her and she has grown to be such a sweetheart.  But I could spend hours and days and weeks furthering her training for her to be worth no more as a resale project.  We couldn't breed her as was our intention so I decided we should cut our losses.  The difficulty with finding hay was definitely a factor.  I wrote the ad and slapped a $600 price tag on her and posted it.  Then the shit began.  I'm not even exaggerating when I say, within minutes of posting the ad.

First people told me my price was wrong because she was worth so much more.  Apparently they didn't realize how crazy people are about the PSSM thing.  I had TONS of interest.  Lots of people asking if she would be a good project for their kid.  My response, "I do not know your kid.  Could my kid ride her and continue her training?  Yep.  But I do not know your kid.  That's a parental/trainer question that I can't answer. "  I answered every single question honestly and tried not to lose my cool.  Especially with the endless questions of "what is PSSM?"  Let me tell you what I wanted to respond, "You obviously have the internet, use it."  Or better yet, "If you don't know what it is and aren't willing to do research of your own to learn about it, I don't feel comfortable selling my horse to you with it."  But I tried to keep my cool and just hang in there waiting for the right person to come along.

Then one lady posts on the ad, "Sold, PM me for pickup."  I comment back that I think she has the wrong post to comment that on.  I private messaged her and asked her what she meant.  No response until two days later when she says "I meant I want to buy your horse, private message me for shipping information."  Umm, sorry no - you sound like you live in Nigeria and want me to wire money or something.  I smell a rat.

Then I had the gal who wanted her so badly but she lived out east and would have to arrange shipping.  I give her the name of my favorite shipper.  HE texts me back that he's got my horse on the books for this month, that the buyer is going to be paying board until he can get there.  I tell him that's funny because she hasn't even told  me she was buying her yet and I made no such deal.  I message her and she says, "Yeah, she booked it but she's still thinking it over."  Umm... You might want to let the shipper know that one.  For the record, I haven't heard from her since.

Then I have a gal call me, a sweet older lady.  We talk for about half an hour and I answer every question as honestly as possible.  When she asked me specific questions I couldn't answer, I flat out told her that I wasn't qualified to answer those questions.  She says, "would you take a little less to a great home?  I have references."  I say sure and we schedule pickup for the coming weekend.  She says she is so excited to get her.  A couple of days later I send her my address and she calls again and asks some more questions.  Once again I answer them to the best of my ability and she says how she can't wait to get her home and start working with her.

Let me ask you this.... would you say said horse is sold at this point?  I mean, I accepted her offer and we scheduled pickup.  She didn't say, "When can I come see her and check her out?"  She didn't ask me to hold her until they could try her out.  She said she was COMING TO GET HER on Sunday.  So I told other interested parties that she was "sold pending pickup".  Because, yeah - I've been burned before on a cheap horse.  Meanwhile I was disappointing people right and left that messaged me or commented on Kenya's ad.  I even had one person comment, "Sold and I can pick her up on Monday."  I responded that I would let her know how Sunday went but I thought she was sold.

Fast forward to Sunday.  These people are driving from over 4 hours away.  I rearrange my day so that I am home over the noon hour when they are scheduled to arrive.  They pull in and as I greet the truck they ask to use the bathroom.  We head up to the house and right away I get a bad vibe.  Actually, on the way home from Rochester that morning I turned to Sophie and said, "I just don't feel like Kenya is leaving on a trailer today."  She laughed and said that they wouldn't drive all this way and not take her home.  Oh just you wait young grasshopper.  How much you have to learn about the ways of the crazy horse person.

I'm going to spare you all the details, but we spent roughly over an hour putting Kenya through her paces.  We picked up feet, lunged, they did some showmanship (which Kenya knows nothing about but tried her darndest to look like she did, you name it.  Kenya did everything we asked of her and was the sweetest, kindest, calmest little mare.  I just love that girl.  She tries so hard.  At this point things were getting kind of crazy because Soph had to leave for volleyball and the buyers went back to their vehicle to talk it over.  At this point I was super confused.  Talk what over?  She's sold right?  She's not lame, she didn't do anything wrong, she couldn't have been better actually.  Literally the only comments to the negative they made were that they didn't like her mottling around her eyes and worried she would get whiter; both things that anyone with Appaloosas will tell you are 100% what an Appaloosa is.  And these people had reassured me they knew about Appaloosas.  I'm trying to help Sophie get to volleyball and putting her pony away when the buyer comes back in to tell me that she just isn't going to take her.  There isn't anything "wrong" with Kenya, but she (the buyer) just didn't feel it in here (as she tapped her chest).  I know I wasn't the kindest and friendliest as I kind of cut her off and thanked her for her time and sent them on their way.  But I'm still reeling from this folks.  What does sold mean to you?  When I comment sold on something, that to me means, SOLD- as in any buyer's remorse is my problem, not the seller.

All told, I'm glad they did pass as obviously my gut was telling me something was off even before they arrived.  I also do not want any horse of mine going to a home where the people aren't thrilled to be bringing them home and excited for their future together.  But here's where it gets real folks.  I wasn't worried about Kenya finding her own home as I had already had someone post on her ad, "will take if still available."  Then they private messaged me to ask if she was still available and they could pick up on Monday.  Sound sold to you too?  So I messaged these folks minutes after the empty trailer pulled out of my driveway (along with the 3 or 4 other people that were also waiting to hear if she got picked up).  Their response, "do you have more information, pictures and would you take $400 since you're 3 hours away?"

Let me give you a buying 101 course here folks.  It's called buyer's etiquette actually and applies to so much more than just horses.
1.  Don't post "sold" or "will take" unless you will actually take said item for the price listed.  If you want to dicker on the price or need more info try responding with "Do you have more pictures?" "Will you accept an offer of .....?" "Does said item do this or that?"

2.  Private message the seller this "sold" comment, don't post on the ad and convince everyone that you are actually purchasing the item and therefore telling others that the item is no longer available WHEN IN FACT it still is.

3.  If you agree to buy an item, buy it.  If you have buyer's remorse later, such is life.  Don't be so quick to impulse buy if you're not prepared to purchase.

4.  Do not agree to buy and THEN dicker on the price.  Sold means SOLD.

5.  Do not ask a million questions about the item and then be frustrated that the seller was dead honest and the item does not in fact have some secret cool feature that they just didn't mention.

6.  KNOW the item you are buying.  Do not state you are an expert on said item and then become angry when the seller points out what you don't know.

7.  Do not low ball offer on the item because you live so far away.  It is not the seller or the item's fault that you don't live in their back yard.  Don't make offers on items if you're not willing to drive to get them. Do you call Walmart and ask them to drop the price because you had to drive half an hour to get the crackers?

In case you're wondering where the Kenya saga is headed, she is currently "sold pending pickup" again.  This time for next weekend.  I will have to keep you updated, but after chatting with these folks on the phone, a couple times, I feel a lot better about this new prospective home. Fingers crossed they are serious buyers and not just the next in the line of tire kickers.

Who inspires you?

Today's growth mindset journal entry for my students was to describe a person that inspires you and to describe what makes them inspiring.  I was so excited because I literally spent a weekend with someone who has been inspiring me for a few months now and as soon as I saw the entry I thought to myself that I should write down my thoughts as the students were doing the same.  Plus I got to share my personal experience with the students and they claim they always love when I do that.  (I'm sure it has nothing to do with killing time in my reading classroom.) Since I went to the trouble of jotting a few notes in my growth mindset journal, I thought I would take the time to expand on those notes and blog about my weekend as well.

This past weekend I got to ride in my first clinic under a professional trainer.  Check another item off the bucket list! I have audited plenty of clinics, well a few anyway, but never gotten to actually ride in one.  Some friends of mine invited me along to a Jeremy LaRose clinic held in the Cities this past weekend.  Jeremy and his significant other, Macey, put on an amazing clinic that was beyond my expectations.  They are performing and keeping at the top of the game when it comes to western pleasure and they brought that knowledge with them to help all of us bring out the best in our horses.  But more so than just focusing on bettering our horses for the pleasure classes, it was about getting your horse more broke; for whatever purpose. 

Let me tell you, getting to be the student who struggles was great because it definitely gave me a new appreciation for my students.  I even got to practice telling myself, "I don't get this yet, but I'm going to keep trying until I do get it!"  One of the things I took away from the clinic had nothing to do with horses and everything to do with relating to students who are struggling.  It was very frustrating to watch everyone else getting it and to be the one who understood what to do but just couldn't make their body do what looked so easy to others.  It would have been very easy to just give up or say, I don't agree with what he's doing, he didn't teach it to me right or I can't do this.  One big motivator kept me trying and will keep me from giving up when I try to bring these techniques home to work on them - the love of a great horse.  I want to do right by China and more importantly, every single horse I sit on from here on out.  Many thanks to Jeremy for reminding me of that fact this weekend.

I also learned techniques for training the many young projects that seem to find their way into our hearts and home.  Not just the techniques, but the mindset about how to go about the training.  Jeremy stresses, and I love this mindset, that with the youngsters there is no rush.  There is no time frame when you have to accomplish something and there is no reason to lose your patience or get angry with a colt.  He demonstrated this time and again, even with broke horses that were put into situations they had never been before.  You never saw Jeremy lose his patience and he had tons of advice for how to wait out a young one and when to reward that colt for every bit of try.  This isn't new information but always refreshing to see a trainer who knows how to take their time with a colt.

There were so many things that I learned over the past two days that I can't possibly remember them all.  I'm thankful to Sophie for video taping as much as she could and to my friends that video taped many parts as well.  We touched on so many different areas of training for showmanship and western pleasure, one person's brain can't possibly absorb it all.  My goal is still to write as much down as possible before my brain decides to file it away under the old "Do not disturb" sign it seems so fond of.  Another goal is to work with my horses as much as possible to cement some of the techniques!  The more we do the more we remember.

I will leave you with a few of my favorite phrases from this weekend that I took the time to jot down in the notes on my phone for later:

"Ask a little, get a lot - that's softness in a horse."

"It's a marathon, not a race.  Take your time."

"If you change the question half way through the maneuver, you confuse the horse."  Then he illustrated by asking Macey 5 x 5 several times in a row quickly before changing it to 5 x 10 and we all got to see how it threw her off balance for a second.

"Your gym workout doesn't need to look like full makeup."


Lastly, you never attend these clinics believing 100% in everything the clinician says, but there was enough common sense in what we were doing that I am wholeheartedly behind 95% of what he shared, even some of the things he had to say that were brutally honest about China's potential and future as a show horse.  We all have our limitations and China is no exception to that rule.  However, China has had a way of exceeding my expectations so I'm not losing hope yet.

Why it takes women so long to get dressed...

It takes me forever to get dressed.  Sometimes I change 3 or 4 times.  The invention of Pinterest has helped, I'm not going to lie.  I will search denim shirt and leggings or black pants with button up, just to get style ideas.  Because, I can't even begin to describe, how much anxiety getting dressed in the morning causes me.  And I hate it.  I really truly do.  I'm not talking about your typical weekend or holiday break morning.  That's easy.  Barn jeans and a tshirt or sweatshirt depending on the weather.  Maybe a layer or two as we head into fall.  And even a "going out" outfit doesn't cause me nearly as much stress as getting ready for each day of work.  Going out is fairly easy to because I CAN WEAR JEANS.  Do people not realize, literally everything goes with jeans.  But Monday - Friday I practically need an Ativan to get out the door.

I envy those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about.  You know what I don't understand?  Those people that plan their outfits for the week in advance.  Right?  Those people are out there.  I have a friend who literally decides on Sunday what she's going to wear every day of the week.  How is that possible?  How do you KNOW what you will be like on Wednesday?  What if you're having a chubby day and those leggings just aren't going to happen?  What if it is "that time" and wearing white pants is a BAD idea? What if it is colder or warmer than the forecast predicts (because let's be honest, that sucker is NEVER right)?  I could never be someone who sets out their clothes for the week.  Heck, I could never be someone who sets out their clothes for the next day.  There are days when the clothes I pick out before I get in the shower don't even make the cut for what I walk out the door in.

What's the big deal you say?  Who am I trying to impress?  According to my anxiety and the social cues I have received, apparently every single person I meet.  I think, after reflecting over the events of last week, I have finally nailed down why some of us women take so long to get dressed.  First and foremost, we obviously care WAY too much what others think.  And secondly, that is because other women are constantly judging us.  You think I'm kidding?  As much as I wish I was, my personal experience has proven that to be false.  I'm not saying every other woman.  Heck, you won't catch me judging.  Most of the time you won't catch me even noticing.  I have always said that kids get away with wearing whatever (and it may be flagrantly against our dress code) because I just don't notice those kinds of things.  Unless I really love it because it is a floral print and then I'm saying something like "Where did you get that - I want it!".  And I do notice when others put together a really smashing outfit because again, I'm envious of how some people do it with ease.  So I know there are others who don't judge.  But there are a enough women who do and enough women who aren't afraid to say it out loud TO YOU that, for those of us with anxiety, it is always in the back of our minds.

Let me tell you what I have heard over the years from coworkers, friends even.  Usually phrased as a "joke" with just enough of an undertone to make a person squirmy.

"Isn't that dress a little short?" The day I wore a tunic OVER leggings.  With a sweater over that if I remember correctly.
"You're brave to wear yoga pants to work" The day I wore my brand new cotton dress pants with pockets that were decidely NOT yoga pants.
"Do you wear any color besides black?"
"Oh wow -that's a bright color, you never wear things that color."
"You're wearing a sweater?  I'm so hot!"
"Why are you wearing pants?  It's 80 degrees out!" (Maybe I should send them my "I have psoriasis" blog.)

I could go on.  There is literally at least one critique every other week about what I am wearing if not every week.  Again, these are not compliments.  I have plenty of mental issues, but I can tell the difference between a compliment and a thinly veiled critique.  Some are more outright critiques.  I have had a family member visit their student at school and feel the need to talk to my administrator about my attire.  They were worried about the fact that I was wearing leggings and everyone could "see my butt".  This was the day when I had a long tunic top over my leggings with a blanket scarf over that and draped around me as a shawl.  I had high boots on also so what was exposed of my body was the six inches around my KNEES.  My scandalous, covered with black leggings, knees.  Thankfully my administration brushed it off and reassured me I was fine.  But it was literally traumatic.  I always take great care to make sure my "jiggly bits" are covered when I wear leggings. To have someone imply that I was being inappropriate still bothers me weeks later.

Let me break it down for all of you who never were taught "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all".   It is never okay to shame someone for their choice of clothing.  It is never okay to make fun of someone's outfit.  It is never okay to point out that you wouldn't wear what they are wearing.  It is never okay to question if someone's outfit is appropriate.  It is literally NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.  If you are said person's boss and they are violating dress code then you, you can say something.  The rest of you.  Sssh!

Thanks to the critiques and my own insecurities, this is what getting dressed for the last wedding I went to sounded like.  "Hey guys, what should I wear?  The dress I was planning to wear is sleeveless and it is too cold for it.  Should I wear this?  No?  I can't wear jeans, it is a wedding guys.  No, I can't wear black leggings and a dark sweater, it is a wedding I said!  OMG -  You guys HAVE TO HELP ME!  YOU'RE NOT HELPING!  No, not that, I look fat.  Not that, I'm too old to wear that.  That's too cold.  That's too short.  It looks like I'm trying too hard. YOU GUYS, I HAVE TO GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW.  HELP ME!"  At least 5 outfits later I was out the door.  And for the record.  I froze. 

But this is what we women have done to each other.  I'm literally worried about what every single person will think when they see me in the outfit.  Is it hip enough?  Stylish?  Which shoes?  Boots?  Sandals? Hair accessories? Matches colors, but not too much because apparently that's a bad thing too?  Patterns together okay?  What under shirt?  A cami? Does this undershirt show?  Should it? Is my butt covered? Am I showing too much cleavage?  Will I be able to bend over?  Can you see any of my psoriasis? Will this be itchy later?  Is this bra showing through?  Do I have panty lines?  Is it too tight?  How does this color look on me? What will people think?  Scarf or no scarf?  Jewelry?  Will I be warm enough?  Too warm?  And now, now I have to worry about my butt showing THROUGH two over-layers on top of all the other worries.   Literally that is just getting dressed - not even hair or makeup. 

I don't worry about what my husband will say because he has proven that he loves me no matter what.  But other women... sharks.  It is time we stop pointing out the negative in each other.  It's time we stop the back handed compliments, the sly looks, the up and down stare and simply rejoice that we are all very different.  Stop judging a woman's character based off of what she wears and stop trying to shame women because they show any part of their body.  Why does it matter?  Wouldn't it be amazing if we could all just wear what makes us most comfortable and not have to worry about what someone else would feel the need to say??

It really boils down to a very simple life lesson.  Even if you haven't seen the movie Bambi, I'm sure somewhere along the line you've heard it....

The life cycle of bangs

If you're reading this and don't know what bangs are, this post probably isn't for you.  For any woman that has ever had bangs before or currently sporting a style with bangs, read on.  I feel like I can't possibly be alone in this struggle.  That said, if you're one of those people blessed to not have bangs or have the kind of face shape that doesn't require bangs, no judging!  Don't go saying, "well, if you don't like them, don't have them."  Some of us are blessed with foreheads large enough to rent billboard space for election ads or toothpaste.  Some of us have foreheads that require bangs to break up the shining wall of white that proclaims, "Look at me!  I'm a forehead!"  Some of us, well, let's just say you'd be glad I have bangs if you saw me without.

So, the life cycle of bangs.  Again, I feel like anyone who has had bangs can relate.  Let's begin with the day after you cut your bangs.   The day after getting bangs you look in the mirror and think, "Whoa, those bangs are a little short.  But that's okay, I know they will grow.  This just gives me a few more days before I'll need to have them cut again."

Two days later....  "Wow, these bangs are still pretty short.  Maybe if I blow dry them straighter they will seem longer.  Nope, still got some forehead above eyebrows showing.  That's awkward.  Oh well."

Three days later.... "Holy crap, will these things never grow!  I look like I let my husband cut them for Christ's sake."

The very next day.... "Oh yay!  My bangs are perfect!  I love having bangs.  They look so cute and stylish.  I've got this hairstyle thing down."

The very next day (possibly even later that same day).... "Seriously, these dang bangs are in my eyes.  They are like pricking my eyeballs.  How did they get so long so fast?  Wasn't it just yesterday they were too short?"

Two days later.... "Well, this is ridiculous.  How is anyone supposed to see through this curtain?"

Three days later.... "I cannot take these bangs anymore.  Maybe I"ll try curling them a little to give them a little lift.

"Well, Crap.  That did not work out the way I planned."

Two days later.... "Argh!  I cannot do anything with these bangs!  Maybe if I just trim them a little before I can get in for my next hair appointment."

The next day... "Wow.  Ummm...  I may have gotten them a little short. *Insert stylist's name here* is gonna kill me."

And thus the cycle begins again.

We all start somewhere...

At a show a couple of summers ago Libby was so embarrassed by me.  She was horrified because I went up to a younger teenage girl and adjusted her show halter for her.  She's like, "Mom!  You can't do that!"  I explained to her that I was super nice about it and offered to help her fit her halter better to her horse and she was grateful for the help.  And then I reminded her "we all started somewhere".  If no one had ever pointed out when I was doing dumb or inappropriate things, we would still be right where we started.  So I feel it is a pay it forward kind of a thing.

Remember Libby, we all start somewhere....

Yes.  Libby would be horrified if I showed you these pics.  She still looks back at these images and cringes.  Look at my hat!  Look at that pad!  Look at that ridiculous shirt!  But we all start somewhere.  If we could repeat that to ourselves at every competition we attend, think how many more contestants we could invite into our circle of friends.   Think of how much more fun shows would be. Think of how welcome we could help everyone feel.  There are a million moving parts to a horse show, it can't hurt to help each other through the process and it certainly can make things a thousand fold better.

From time to time I hear people making fun of someone's saddle, bridle or outfit that is "so last year".   Okay, maybe not last year - but out of date.  Remember, we all started somewhere.  Unless your family is independently wealthy and you jumped feet first into this hobby with the best horses,  the best outfits, the best tack and the best trainer, there is a pretty good chance you made a faux pas or two of your own from time to time.  Where would you be if you had heard people laughing at you or if you had been made to feel like you didn't belong? 

I know I will never make fun of anyone.  I mean really?  Look where I began...

Eek!  That poor mare was a saint for putting up with that piece of crap, cardboard saddle and the crappy rider that sits on top.  Check out that hat, pretty sure I bought the cheapest one I could find.   I had heavy cheap black chaps and a vest that I found somewhere and turned into a "show shirt".  But people were nice to me, helped me and shared ideas with me, showed me where I could find more appropriate tack and made me feel welcome. They gave me advice on everything from banding my horse's mane to horsemanship position to working on improving the way my horse moved. Because of them, we are still showing.  I never was made to feel embarrassed or less than important.  I was a sponge and absorbed every bit of info that I could.  Now as I consider myself to be slightly more knowledgeable (but by no means an expert)  I want to be that person for as many newcomers as I can too. 

Sitting around at shows or even hanging out in the warm up pen, I hear people judging, making fun of or questioning what others do all the time.  I think it's time that some of us remember where we came from.  Remember that most of us started somewhere that was far from perfect and probably pretty ugly.  Again, unless your family was independently wealthy and you were freakishly naturally talented, you have made plenty of your own mistakes and looked plenty silly along the way from time to time.  Instead of judging, give those folks a chance.  Remember where you came from.  Offer to help them out.  Tell them stories about what you learned along the way.  There are lots of ways to help out newcomers.  Welcome them in and you just may make a great friend who shares the same passion you do.  Horses!

I have psoriasis

I was maybe 9 or 10 years old, in fourth grade, that much I can't forget.  I got this weird crusty stuff on my scalp.  Thinking I had dandruff because, yeah - I hated washing my hair, we treated with some shampoo.  When it didn't go away, my mom thought it might be the "cradle cap" that I had as a baby.  So we tried using baby oil to soak it.  It would get rid of the flakes, but they would come right back.  Thick, crusty, scaly patches over my scalp that eventually started showing on other areas of my body.  So off to the dermatologist we went.

I remember the hope that I was filled with when I used to go to the dermatologist.   As a kid you think that going to the doctor will fix anything.  You're sick, you go to the doctor, they give you some magic pill or potion and *poof* you're cured!  The dermatologist called what I had psoriasis, which didn't mean squat to me at the time.  I just wanted the magic potion.  And they did give me a potion.  But it didn't do anything.  Neither did the next one.  Or the next one.

Over the years I tried lots of not-so-magic potions for my psoriasis or eczema or whatever they wanted to call it at the time.  There were lotions, creams, gels, ointments (bet you thought all those things were the same didn't you...), shampoos, you name it.  Lots of them smelled nasty.  That's because a lot of them were tar based and really really expensive.  I remember the one made from peanut oil that I had to put on my scalp overnight and then wear a shower cap to bed.  That was LOADS of fun and it didn't even work.  I've tried millions of home remedies and every combination of coconut oil, apple cider vinegar, baking soda, honey, and essential oils you can imagine.  Nothing like using my Kitchen Aid to whip up vaseline, baby lotion, vitamin E and a few other mystical ingredients.  I've tried consuming special foods and vitamins, supplements, etc...  Nothing works.  I had one dermatologist recommend shaving my head.  When he left, the room the nurse, in confidence, said, "I keep telling him to stop saying that to women but he doesn't listen."  In reality, shaving my head actually might have helped. 

There are a few things that do help.  Sunlight helps (so shaving my head wasn't the worst idea ever).  Areas of my body that get natural sunlight usually clear up in the summer.  But with living in this God forsaken winter landscape, there are whole months IN A ROW where my skin doesn't see the light of day through the layers and layers I need to stay warm.  In fact, if I had to say the only thing that has ever really worked to clear my skin, natural sunlight would be it.  And even that doesn't work sometimes.  I have a current medication that actually works.  IF you put it on twice a day.  IF you slather it on. And IF you don't throw up at the $100 a tiny tube price tag.  For $100 a tube I just live with the red scaly patches, unless they show up on my face.  I reserve the $100 a tube medication for spots on my face.

Exercise helps, in general.  Immediately after I run it usually looks way worse due to the redness and flushed skin.  But once that fades, the natural endorphins do their magic and it "helps".  So does anything that makes me deliriously happy, like when I met Tim.  Clear skin!  (At least temporarily) My psoriasis, and I suspect most, is stress induced.  Don't even say, "just reduce your stress".  I had a doctor tell me that once too.  Thanks for that super helpful advice.  I'll just get rid of stress.  Now, how do I go about that again....

Living with psoriasis means making tough choices.  For example, I don't wear shorts.  Much.  Around home I'll wear shorts.  But in public it is a stretch for me to even wear capris.  I remember one year when I took Libby to the POA Congress show in St. Louis.  It was a particularly bad break out year for my skin.  It was 107 degrees in the shade and I was wearing jeans.  A concerned friend told me to just wear shorts - no one would even care.  I tried it and had shorts on for maybe one hour before someone commented on my legs, "OMG - what happened to your legs?  Are those bites or some kind of rash?"  Yeah, I went back to wearing jeans and haven't looked back.

Living with scalp psoriasis also means that there were years where I couldn't wear a pony tail.  Sometimes scalp psoriasis doesn't just stay where it is supposed to and creeps out where the world can see it.  You get really used to not wearing dark colors, making it snow everywhere you go and people telling you what kind of Head and Shoulders you should be buying.  I remember watching that scene from Breakfast Club where the girl shakes her flaky hair out on the desk and thinking to myself that she had nothing on me. I also remember the merciless teasing and my classmates acting like I had a choice in the matter.  It was the most frustrating thing in the world to be harassed for something I had literally no control over and had been trying to fight for years.

Dating with psoriasis was also super fun.  (That's sarcasm.)  Of all the things that were harder about dating at 40, being frank about the fact that my skin sucked was easier.  I guess I figured of all the things that were probably a challenge about dating me, crappy skin was the least of my issues.   I had an ex who called me a dalmatian.  Who doesn't think being called a spotted dog is a compliment?  *raises hand*  Another complained about the cost of the medications.  I quickly learned to just live without.

I guess maybe education is the key.  There was a time when I was teaching 8th grade health class and we came to the section on skin disorders.  I was teaching about psoriasis and there were comments all over the classroom, "gross" "that's disgusting" "I'm so glad I don't have that."  To that last comment I said, "well, I do."  It got quiet enough to hear a pin drop.  They all looked at me.  I said, "Yes.  You heard that right.  I have psoriasis and had it for years.  You're right, it is kind of gross and not a lot of fun.  But there isn't anything I can do about it.  There just aren't effective treatments for every kind of psoriasis."  That class will probably never forget that lesson, mostly because some of them were horribly embarrassed. But we all need to realize, not just that one section of 20 some 8th graders, that passing judgment on someone for a disease they have no control over isn't fair, but it also isn't kind. 

There have been maybe 3 times in my life when my psoriasis has completely or nearly completely disappeared.  It was a glorious time that I enjoyed and look forward to happening again.  Possibly someday.  There was no rhyme or reason to it getting better.  I wasn't using any special medication or treatment.  I was just happy.  The rest of my life, minus those first 10 years, I have had psoriasis on my scalp, arms, legs, in and outside of my ears, eyelids, face, torso, virtually every square inch of my body has had the scaly patches at some point. Currently my entire torso is covered, I have it on my scalp, in my ears and a few patches on my arms and legs.  It itches, it's unsightly and I'm glad it is jeans and sweatshirt season. 

And lastly, what can you do if someone you know has psoriasis?  A few things -
1.  Remind them they are beautiful and who gives a crap what their skin looks like.
2.  Tell judgmental people who feel the need to comment on it that they should shut their trap.
3.  Do not offer them unsolicited advice on treatments, but do respectfully share if you hear of a new treatment.  Just be kind as we have probably heard of it, tried it and been disappointed.
4.  Do not gift with scented lotions as we probably have already regifted a thousand bottles already.  Most of the scented lotions do nothing for our skin and do more damage than good. 
5.  And please - if I hear the word "essential oils" one more time, I will remove you from my friends list. 

Living with regret

It's something that has been on my mind lately.  A lot.  I look at my loved ones; my friends, my family and even those I don't know extremely well but consider my horse show friends, teacher friends, Village Square family or Facebook friends.  I look at them and hope that daily they know how special they are to me.  How I need and want them in my life and how I hope they know they are loved.  I look at them and know that I never want to feel one minute of living with regret.  Regret for not telling them they were my friends or that they were important to me.  Regret that we left each other feeling angry or saying hurtful words.  Regret that can never be taken back.

When someone is in an accident, takes their life or even passes away from an extended illness, there are always those of us left behind with regrets.  How many times have you heard, "I wish I had told them" or "They never knew..."  You're right?  And why didn't they?  After personally losing loved ones and feeling how horrible living with regret makes you feel, I learned that you say what you mean, mean what you say and nothing is worth your loved ones feeling unloved.  Why do so many of us have to learn that lesson the hard way?  It seems like no matter how many times those of us who have been through it tell people they don't want to live with regret, the message still doesn't sink in.

Let me put it this way, I have a list, thankfully a short one, of people I don't want at my celebration of life.  (And for the record, it better be a big old celebration with a DJ, drinks and lots of laughter and stories.  No sitting around weeping over me.  And if there is an open casket, I'm coming back to haunt someone.  Open casket bad, open bar good.  Got it?)  I don't want people at my celebration who didn't make time for me while I was here.  I don't want people standing around, hugging each other and saying how I was so important to them and that they miss me that couldn't make time to answer a text or stop by to say hi while I was alive.  If you didn't miss me enough to spend time with me while I was here, you don't get to go digging for sympathy after.  You know what you get?  Regret. 

Living with regret is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.  So take a minute and send a couple of texts or emails to those you haven't chatted with in a while.  If the last words you spoke to someone were in anger, reach out to them and let them know that while you disagree, you still care about them.  Stop by and visit a friend or family member.  Tell you family you love them.  Let go of grudges, remember how short life can be, forgive and let love in.  It isn't easy, but it is - Worth It. 

But I read it on the internet....

So I'm gonna post the following on Facebook today when I share this blog.  It will be an "excerpt" from my blog.  I'm going to conduct a social experiment.  I want to see how many people comment on the following without reading the blog.  I want to see how many people believe what they read on the internet without finding out more information.  I want to see how many people will jump on the bandwagon without thinking about how much they know that person and using their gut instincts.  How quickly are we to judge without research?  That is the question.  So here's what I'm going to post:

"My husband is unbelievable.  I cannot believe how lazy he has gotten.  I work two jobs, try to keep the farm running and come home to a giant mess every single night that I have to clean up.  This is not what I signed up for and not who I thought he was."

Did I get some of you?  Or were some of you shocked by my post considering my past history of saying how much I love my husband and can't believe how lucky I am?  I would hope that you would fall into the second category.  I would hope that when we read posts like this on social media, that there is always a part of us that questions the validity.  Posts like the one above are usually shared in anger or frustration and are seldom based on accurate information.  They are pure emotion and for the record, it will be a cold day in H - E - double hockey sticks before I vent about my husband on Facebook.  If I don't vent about our ex's on Facebook, and boy do they give me ammunition, I sure as heck am not going to vent about the one person who is beyond reproach in my mind.

But people do.  Heck our ex's do.  Yep - we know all about it.  I'm sure this blog has caught the attention of at least one of them  *insert waving emoji*.  So I'm here to tell you that yep, we heard and know what you said.  Some of your "friends" feel the need to share with us about how negative you are about us.  Some of your "friends" are horrified by how you slander the name of good people.  Some of your "friends" know the real story and don't believe the stuff you post for even one second.  But I'm sure you don't care because that isn't who you're trying to get the attention of.  You're reaching out to those who don't know us, the people in your "friends" list who believe you, the people who don't use the power of discernment to be able to sort fact from fiction.  But here's what I have to say about the whole situation.

People ask us if it bothers us not to be able to defend ourselves.  Nope.  Well, sometimes maybe a little.  I mean, sometimes a person lets everything get to them a little.  Like on a day when I find out that a friend of mine's baby girl was just diagnosed with leukemia, then yeah, it bothers me that an ex is ranting lies about us on Facebook.  Because, really?  That's what the biggest thing in your life is right now?  To me it is a a like sociopathic behavior.  You spewing hatred on Facebook diminishes from the people who are really and truly struggling right now.  Your "look at me/feel sorry for me" post when there are people with real problems out there like a scary diagnosis, a death, or worse, seems like a slap in the face.  So yeah, then it gets to me.  But most of the time I just shrug and laugh.  Because I know.  I know who I am, who my husband is and I know that the people who know me, know too.  Heck there are some people who don't even know me but have reached out to me to say that they don't believe all the hatred nonsense.  I know that there are good people who are able to think for themselves and don't believe everything they read on the internet.

People ask me what to do about cyberbullying.  Because, yeah, that's what it is.  Now, if it is your child, I would 100% advocate for getting the law, the school and whomever you can involved.  Start a line of communication with both sides and get to the bottom of it.  Kids need to learn it is not okay to sit behind a screen and lie, spread rumors, belittle, or berate someone.  It can and has led to death.  DEATHS people.  If kids can't handle themselves behind a screen, they shouldn't get to have them.  Period.   But with adults, here's how you handle it.  You just keep on living your life.   You're not going to change that adult.  You can make a big deal over it and get the law involved and for what?  Giving the sociopath the attention they so crave and the chance to argue is not the answer.  By all means, if they are damaging your career or your ability to live your life, take the actions you need to.  Get a lawyer, get the law involved, file a harassment suit, whatever you need to do to protect yourself.   But if it isn't, then let them be them.  People figure it out soon enough and if they don't, does it truly matter?  It's a big picture kind of thing.  Do you truly care what some random person in Facebook land thinks about you?  I don't.  I care what my friends and family and coworkers and clergy and customers and students and their parents think of me.  Those are the people I interact with every single day and those are the people that matter.

People ask me if they should say something, stick up to the bully, defend those being slandered.  Sure you should, IF YOU WANT TO.  However, please don't respond for our sake.  Ask the target (I hate the word victim - I'm only a victim if I let you be.  I am not a victim) if they want you to say something.  Let them know you have their back.  If they need your support, you should always stand up to bullies.  If they need you to be their voice in the corner, when they are backed against the ropes, then yes - the right thing to do is stand up to bullies.   I have taught middle school age kids for 20 years now.  I get why bystanders, stand by.  I understand how it is scary to stand up to a bully.  You don't want them to turn on you and that doesn't change whether you are 10 or 70.  You don't want to become the new target and you don't know if you're the only one who will dare to stand up.  It's an incredibly personal decision when dealing with bullies.  Do you put yourself on the line or do you quietly just turn the other cheek and lend support behind the scenes when you can.  For years I was the kind to sit back and support the target.  I would vent to others about how mean someone was being but do nothing about it.  It wasn't until recently that I decided to put my money where my mouth is and start standing up.  I tell my students all the time to stand up to bullies.  If I expect a 10 year old to do it, why don't I expect the same behavior out of myself?  That said, I completely understand those who don't.

How do you personally deal with it?  Here's the cold hard truth. Most of the people that engage in this type of bullying behavior as an adult have a mental health issue.  I believe I said it earlier when I stated the term "sociopath".  I've done extensive research on sociopaths and dealing with them in order to survive.  Sociopaths cannot experience empathy, they have difficulty telling right from wrong, they are arrogant, witty, superficially charming and lie.  They manipulate others and events.  They use just enough kernels of the truth to make their lies believable.  They are really good at lying.  The old "lie like a rug" idiom applies here or maybe "practice makes perfect".   In addition to being a sociopath, many of these people struggle with depression or self worth issues.  I can't be angry at someone with a mental health issue.  I can detest their behavior.  But really, I just feel sorry for them.  I don't wish what they feel on anyone.  Imagine not knowing what it is like to be proud of yourself?  Imagine how hard it would be to hide behind anger, sarcasm, lies and manipulation in order to feel good about yourself?  Every day I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I am trying to be a better and kinder person.  That is how you deal with it.  You be the best person YOU can be and pray for the other person to have peace in their heart so that someday they can move past hatred and hurting others.

Lastly, everyone needs to just take a deep breath and step back from their computers before posting sometimes.  I'm so glad that my daughter is learning, or has learned, in school, that your social media is a reflection of who you are.  Employers, customers, project leaders, you name it - people are going to stalk your social media accounts to see if you are a person they want to interact with.  Thankfully, it is a lesson she already knew as we have been preaching it for a long time.

Here's some basic social media tips on what to post and what not to post:
1.  Keep it positive - your social media isn't a place to air your dirty laundry.  Share that with your friends over a cup of coffee.
2.  Never vent about a job, employer, coworker, family member or friend.  See above.
3.  Keep the explicit content to yourself (and the dirty jokes)
4.  No name calling needed  - if you do HAVE to post something negative, keep it civil and professional.
5.  Keep it truthful - nothing lowers the validity of your argument than wild exaggerations or outright lies.
6.  Don't forward ANYTHING without checking it first.  Learn about snopes.com.
7.  Keep the selfies to a minimum - nothing says narcissist like a few dozen selfies a week.
8.  Do not post private conversations unless you are given permission
9.  Do not post about bodily functions.  Those conversations are best left to professionals and those jokes couldn't get any less tactful.
10.  Be careful of the personal information you share.  Addresses, vacation dates, etc...

Lastly  - not everyone on your "friends" list is truly your friend.  What I've cautioned my kids since they got electronic devices and I will keep preaching until the day I die, never say anything on social media/text/email, that you wouldn't say to someone's face.  It WILL get back to them and it leaves a paper trail.  Some conversations are better left for in person and some are better left unsaid.  Period.

Here is an excellent resource for further information on narcissists, sociopaths and cyberbullying:  Click here