The Passing of Time

There are so many phrases about how time passes; time flies, in the nick of time, race against time, behind the times, time will tell, etc...  This morning, with some of the changes going on in our household, it really struck me how time is a truly abstract subject.  There is a concreteness, a solid science based fact, about time for sure.  There are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in a hour, 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and so on.  But that time, it likes to metaphorically slow down and speed up all at the same... well..... time.  Anyone with children can relate to what I'm talking about. 

Many of you know that I used to scrapbook, a lot.  As the years passed and hobbies changed focus, I found I had less and less time for scrapbooking.  I still try to find the time to put pictures into an album and label them.  I think I'm about halfway through 2016.  But every now and then we love to go through our old scrapbooks.  Just the other day we did just that. 

Reflecting back through those pages and then looking at my two daughters, I was struck by how fast time has flown by.  Everyone tells you when you have your babies that the time with them will pass in an instant.  I saw a quote the other day that I'm going to take as mathematical fact because I am too lazy to figure it out.  It said that there are 940 Saturdays from the time your child is born until they graduate.  That sure doesn't seem like enough Saturdays.  And when I look at Libby, I can figure out how many I have left.  17.  Wow.  I can't tell you how much that stabs through the heart and brings tears to my eyes.  With Sophie only 4 short years behind her, I don't even want to know how few Saturdays I have left with her.

The truth is, while looking back those years passed so quickly, there were days and weeks and phases that I wished would pass faster.  I wished away far too many hours and days; wishing that potty training would just get over or wishing that spring would come or volleyball would start.  There were far too many endless sleepless nights worrying about this or that where it seemed like morning would never come, or days I wished to get over so I could be back in my bed and sleep. The result of all that wishing time away is that here I sit; one daughter just a few months away from graduation and one about to enter high school and I have no idea how it happened.

A friend saw a post about Libby going to a Snow Ball dance with a boy and wondered how that was possible as she was too young.  Believe you me, I ask myself that very question.  A boy!  She is supposed to be playing with ponies and reading books.  When did she get old enough to like boys?! And get invited to dances.  The answer feels like just yesterday.  Just yesterday I was buying her shirts with unicorns on them and now I'm finding half my closet on her bedroom floor.  Just yesterday she was crying over basic math facts and now she's passed College Algebra.  Just yesterday I was struggling to get her to eat her vegetables and... wait.... I'm still struggling to get her to eat vegetables.  Maybe that milestone is still coming.  The truth is, that in so many ways, it seems like just yesterday she was a scrawny little 8 year old that every thought was 5 and now, in so many ways, she's all grown up. 

Sophie isn't far behind.  Even pictures from three years ago shock me.  I watched her play basketball last night and the way she carries herself on the court blows my mind.  When did she learn that patience, that poise, that finesse?  She's always been a scrappy and aggressive little turkey.  When did that turn into a real player?  And that's just in the last  2-3 years.  Let's go back to the toddler that told her sister to "cowgirl up or just lay there and bleed".  Where did she go?  Bring back my babies!  I want a do over.

The truth is that our kids grow up way too fast.  Our time with our friends is too short.  Our loved ones will be gone before we know it.  We need to enjoy every single minute.  Even those agonizing slow minutes where the work day drags on.  We need celebrate and appreciate those times as well because only their slow passing allows our lives to stop its headlong sprint to the finish. 

Dating someone with anxiety

Recently I sat down with a very good friend who is going through the loss of a relationship.  She is much like me and struggles with anxiety in general, but also struggles with what they lovingly refer to as "relationship anxiety".   I'm sure there isn't a human being alive that doesn't appreciate having someone be able to, not just sympathize with your personal struggles, but be able to empathize as well.  There is something to be said for the friend that can go, "Oh honey - me too!  That's exactly how I feel, react or respond in the same situation!"  It makes you feel a little less crazy and a little more normal to know you're not alone.

What do I mean by relationship anxiety?  It's rather difficult to explain and I assure you that I am no expert.  I'm well aware that while you can suffer from something, it surely doesn't mean to are a professional in the department.  It does mean that I can give you some personal insight.  Everyone experiences anxiety at various points in their lives; from the time you're asked to give an oral book report in school to walking onto that college campus for the first day.  There are times when anxiety is good because it pushes you to do or be better, like studying for that test that you're nervous about.  There are times, though, when anxiety can be debilitating.

It's kind of like this.  Have you ever thought about the worst case scenario?  You know, where you're making some decision and you think to yourself what's the worst that could happen?  People with anxiety do that all day and about EVERYTHING, and their worst case scenario usually ends with something catastrophic.  For example, if you're applying for a job and you think to yourself before the interview, "What's the worst that can happen?"  You might reply, "I'll just keep the job I have" or "McDonalds is also hiring."   A person with anxiety thinks, "I have no chance to get this job, I won't get any job, I'm going to lose the house/car/kids, I'm going to live in a cardboard box down by the river and get addicted to wine."  Okay, I'm having a little fun here at the end, but it really isn't much of an exaggeration either.  My therapist once asked me "what's the worst that can happen" and sat back.  I literally started laughing.  I believe my exact response was, "oh, I'm really good at this game" and proceeded to amaze him at the level I could go to with "worst case scenario".  Once he said, "but will you die?" and my response was "sometimes".

And then there are the anxiety attacks, the end result of all this overthinking.  Where you feel like you can't breathe, can't catch your breath.  Your heart pounds, you gasp for air and all the while you feel like you are dying.  Not the over dramatized "I'm dying" of a man cold taking over, but an actual real feeling that you are having a heart attack or literally suffocating on nothing.  Coming back from that feeling, sometimes all on your own, takes Herculean efforts.

There are a lot of things people can do to help deal with their anxiety.  I've researched, learned and studied so many.  Breathing practices help a tremendous amount.  Meditation, mindfulness, CBT training, apps, etc... all are in my arsenal of weapons against anxiety.  I've read piles of books, listened to webcasts and youtube videos, completed programs, you name it.  I have learned to, not only cope, but improve my anxiety.  I'm much less likely to get a full blown anxiety attack any more.  In fact, I think I've only had two in the last year.  There are a lot of things that those who suffer from anxiety need to do to take care of themselves, but there are things that our loved ones can do for us too.

As my friend and I were discussing our failed relationships and the effects of those relationships on our significant others we realized a few things.  Those who choose to love someone with anxiety probably should be given a "How to" book and a medal.  It's kind of like a combat zone and crash course in psychiatry all rolled into one.  If you're brave enough to love someone with anxiety, let me give you a few pointers.

Tips for dating someone with anxiety:

1.  No games, I mean none.   Don't play any of those fun games like ignoring them, not texting them back to get them to sweat, talking about other men/women that are interested in you to make them jealous, etc...  People with anxiety don't play games.  They get anxious, overthink, go to worst case scenario and give up.  If you continue to play games and create more anxiety, pretty soon you won't have anyone to play games with.

2.  Tell them you love them and don't be afraid to tell them why.  Give compliments, remind them they are loved.  I had an ex that told me it wasn't his job to make me feel good about myself by giving me a lot (or any) compliments.  In his mind, I needed to do that for myself.  He was right to a point, a person does need to love themselves without the help of being showered with compliments.  But when it comes to relationships, those that suffer from anxiety need that reassurance, maybe more often than you feel is necessary.  If you're not willing to love them enough to give it, get out of the way for someone who will. 

3.  Keep them in the loop about your life.  We aren't asking you to ask permission.  You don't need to ask if you can go out with the guys/girls for a drink after work, but please do us the courtesy of letting us know.  It's the unknown that scares the crap out of us.  When left to wonder, we are really good at wondering.  Wondering if you don't love us, wondering if you are cheating on us, wondering if you are dead.  You may think I'm exaggerating.  Ask Libby what happens if she doesn't text me back promptly.  First it's "where are you?" and in the span of a few unanswered texts it comes to the fact that I'm sure she's slipped in the shower, hit her head on the faucet and is bleeding out and dying.  So just let us know what's up and don't be afraid to send a "gonna be a few minutes late" text too.

4.  Do not ever compare us to your past relationships.  Never tell us we are like your ex because we are nagging, controlling or some other negative trait of your choosing.  Even worse, hint that you wish we were more like your ex sexually, in looks, in habits,  or not as good as something you loved about your ex.  We are already doing that constantly, especially if we know your ex or have seen pictures of your ex.  Believe me, we have measured ourselves against your ex's and found ourselves falling short.  We don't need you to hint at or remind us of that.  This can even be an offhand comment that you don't think twice about, be prepared for us to blow it out of proportion.  Sometimes it isn't even going to be you.  Maybe a family member discusses how funny your ex was or how pretty.  Let me count the ways that a person with relationship anxiety can turn that into a personal disaster....

5.  Communicate, communicate, communicate.  If you don't fill in the blanks with the truth, we will fill in the blanks for you and you don't even want to KNOW the kinds of stuff our minds can come up with.   If you're having a bad day and need some quiet time or just aren't acting yourself, we will notice.  We will ask you what is wrong.  If you reply "nothing" or "I'm fine", we will not be fooled.  If you won't tell us what is bothering you, you had better believe we are going to fill in the blanks.  In two shakes of a lamb's tail (an idiom that does not get used nearly enough anymore), we will have you cheating, leaving us, sick with a terminal illness or just sick of our crap.  It will always be our fault and our worst case scenario will always have us alone and unwanted.  Even if you have some embarrassing reason for your quiet time, even if it truly us that you are annoyed with but you don't want to hurt our feelings, please communicate.  We can handle the truth, it is almost never as bad as the shitty story we've made up in our heads.

6.  Don't push.  Don't surprise.  Don't overwhelm, especially at the beginning of the relationship.  I know I let Tim down a few times at the beginning of our relationship.  He's a very social person who loves being around people and being at things.  My anxiety makes that hard for me sometimes.  So there were things he invited me to that I just could not go to.  There are things that you will want to go do where even the thought of going to them causes us to have an anxiety attack.  Large crowds are usually a no go.  Meeting all the family at once, maybe not.  Surprise parties or surprising us with anything really, not a dream date.  Just a little more time, a little more space and a lot more patience goes a long ways. 

7.  Do not make fun of our anxiety and do not call us crazy, tell us we are overreacting, even in joking.  Our anxiety is no joke.  If we poke fun at ourselves, please know it is a defense mechanism.  We are vividly aware of anxiety, it looks us in the face all the time and we are embarrassed by it.  We don't need others to remind us about how "funny" we act, we know.  What we need is support.  

8.  Do not lie to us, even those little white lies that you think do no harm.  People with relationship anxiety have been lied to in the past, usually a lot, about really big stuff.  They require 100% honesty in any new relationship.  Obviously, it's never good to lie in any relationship, but for some reason people think they should lie to those with anxiety to "protect" us from the truth.  While we may appreciate you caring enough to want to protect us, honesty is the only way to protect us from our own thinking.  If you lie to us about the little stuff, we will assume you're lying about the big stuff too.  

There are loads of little things to remember, but most fall under the general umbrella of the 8 tips listed above and one more key word; patience.  Every relationship requires patience, being in a relationship with someone with anxiety requires, as they say, the patience of a saint.  Hopefully you will see that loving us is worth it.  

What is Anxiety? (A blog to help us understand)

All we ask is that you give us a chance.  We know that loving us through our anxiety is not easy.  Please know that we are beating ourselves up about that fact all the time.  But if you give us a chance, if you're willing to love us through it, we will reward you in every way we possibly can.  You need to know that even opening ourselves up to the possibility of love was a choice that spent hours, days, maybe weeks talking ourselves through.  We fought against our own demons to even allow you in and now that you're here, we will keep fighting for us with everything we have.

* At times we may seem clingy, needy or in constant need of affection.  The flip side is that we will always be there to give you affection when you need it and who doesn't love to cuddle?  I hear it actually is medically, scientifically good for you.  Check that out!  Loving us can make you healthier.  I'm like one big granola bar. 


* We will love you fiercely and whole heartedly and we won't be afraid to show it.  Mushy cards, texts, letters, gifts, once you have our trust we will give you our heart and soul.  Don't abuse it.


* We never want to be the source of any of your pain.  We know what that is like and we will do anything in our power to not cause you to feel the way we have.  We are very protective of your feelings, sometimes at the expense of our own.


* We know a crap-ton about mental health and dealing with stress/anxiety.  There will be stressful times in your life when you will be glad to have us there to help.  Bonus is that it makes us feel useful and needed when you ask us how to cope.


* You won't wonder or miss things.  We have mastered the use of calendars, reminders, organizers, binders, apps, you name it.  We are a bit of an overachiever in this area because forgetting things or being late stresses us out.    (Most of the time and obviously some more than others.)


* No games!  While this is something to be aware of, it is also something that will be a huge relief.  People with anxiety don't play games.  We will tell you how it is and we won't leave you hanging. 


* Once you gain our trust, you will have an unconditional love for all times.  If you never betray that trust, you will have the fiercest of allies, the greatest of loves by your side.

Mostly remember that we didn't ask you to fall in love with us, you wanted in and we let you.  Be respectful of the boundaries we need and we will reward you tenfold.  I know I'm lucky enough to have the most supportive and loving husband anyone with anxiety could ever ask for.  I also know he isn't the only "unicorn" out there.  My wish is that all my anxiety burdened friends find their own special someone who understands and lifts them up the way my does.  

Kids These Days

I’m sure we have all said it, I know I have.  And every single time it comes out of my mouth I feel like I can hear my mom or my grandmother speaking through me from the grave.  Oh kids these days have their own little nickname, “millenials” or “entitlement generation”, you take your pick.  But I have another little key phrase for all of us, “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
Did you do the puppy dog head tilt?  Huh?  What’s that you say?  You heard me.  Watch what you’re talking about.  Okay- maybe “check yourself” is too modern day hip slang for the age old “when you point your finger there are three fingers pointing back at you.”  But the message is the same.
I hear all the time about what is wrong with this generation.  I hear the complaints.  I see the posts and the articles.  You think this is new?  You think every single generation hasn’t complained about the generations that follow them?  I’m not saying I haven’t said it in the past but I’m sure as heck saying that I remember having it said about my generation too.  A famous philosopher said, “Our youth now love luxury.  They have bad manners, contempt for authority.  They show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.  They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food and tyrannise their teachers”
I bet you nodded along in agreement.  Maybe you even said a hell yeah or a hallelujah.  Except the person who said that wasn’t talking about the kids born from 2000-today.  The philosopher is Socrates and he was talking about students roughly 2500 years ago.  That was just a “couple” of years ago.
Let me tell you what I see every single day working with kids in this “entitlement generation.”  I see kids that are lazy.  I see kids that want something for nothing.  I see kids that don’t have a work ethic or understand that you have to work hard to get ahead.   I see kids cheating. But you know what else I see? Parents making excuses.  Parents allowing their kids to have anything they want.  Parents helping their kids with their homework (aka- doing it for them).  The same thing I have seen for the last 20 years of teaching (and I’m pretty sure teachers saw for the 20 years before that, and the 20 years before that...)
Before we blame the “entitlement” generation let’s talk about the reality of the situation.  My generation is raising these kids.  It’s up to us to teach them to change their behavior.  We can’t throw our hands up and blame it on technology, the president or any other factor besides what stares us back in the mirror.  But there is another side to this argument as well.
Earlier I talked about what I observed in my classroom.  You know what else I see?  I see kids standing up to bullies and protecting the little guy. I see students giving up their free time or fun time to help their classmates catch up or figure out something tough.  I see kids getting excited about a story that tickles their imagination.  I see wonder and  joy about learning some cool science fact or historical event.  I see kids helping a classmate or teacher pick up a mess or pick up something they have dropped, volunteering to clean up the room and lending their supplies to classmates in need.  I see kids cry when their friends experience heartache and I’ve seen kids overflowing with pride when their classmates have success.
I get frustrated when I hear people complain about “kids these days”.  Are there kids who could use more guidance and teaching? Are there kids who need to be told no a few more times and fail a little more?  Of course- just like there were when you were a kid or I was a kid.  You want to complain about this generation and think you have all the answers?  Then volunteer in a classroom or as a coach.  Organize a youth group or a club.  Heck- apply for a job as a paraprofessional and get paid to make a difference in these kids’ lives.

Our children are watching us and learning from our examples.  Think of that next time you backstab or talk about a family member, coworker or complete stranger.  Think of that next time you swear at the guy who cuts you off or yell at a ref at a basketball game.  Think of that the next time you say math was hard for you too and isn’t worth studying for or tell them just to cheat and copy it from the internet.  Think of what you are teaching them when you do that assignment for them (that they aren’t capable of doing it on their own or when the going gets tough it’s okay to give up).  
I consider myself lucky to be able to work with students every single day.  They have a way of keeping me humble, showing me how wrong I can be and yet, making me laugh almost every day.  I mean, just this week, one of my fifth graders told me if I wanted to smell good all day I should rub my deodorant on my nose because then that’s what you smell all day.  I mean, ask yourself, isn’t that a little stroke of 10 year old genius?

When you see him....

Many of you probably stumbled through my poetry blog wondering what the heck I was trying to say.  (If you missed it, you can find it here.)  Basically the quick version is I happened to run into my ex the other day.  The narcissist or psychopath, as his contact stored in my phone calls him.  It still causes all kinds of icky, scary feelings but I'm thankful I have my friends and Tim to talk me through them.  If I have time to prepare myself for the probability of running into him, I'm fine.  It's those chance encounters that throw me for a loop.  But my good friend tells me I get better and stronger every time.  She may just blowing smoke up my....  but I love her for it. 

That said, the reason I ran into him is because he was watching his new girlfriend play volleyball at the same location as one of my kids was having practice.  Yeah, his new girlfriend.  Here in lies the purpose behind the blog.  I think one of the hardest parts about the "after" of being with a narcissist is the sideline after.  It's where you have to watch them start the cycle all over again and know that there is nothing you can do about it.  Literally nothing.  It's an incredibly helpless feeling. 

When I approached some of my ex's exes (sounds like a country western song) about our relationship ending, the common theme was we wished there was something we could do to protect future women.  One even apologized for not telling me sooner about all the things he had done in his past; like the 8 women in the few years before me, the lying, the cheating, the second wife, the ..... you get the idea.  But, as I told her, the truth is I probably wouldn't have believed her anyway.  He's very good at the love bombing stage.  Very good. 

I couldn't help but think of that as I watched him there with her.  I thought back to how he started out coming with me to things I liked too.   I remember him acting like horse shows and horses were really his thing.  Later that would become laughable as he did everything in his power to ruin every horse show, make me feel guilty for even owning horses and telling me to get rid of them.  And here he was pretending he was going to become a volleyball fan.  *insert laughing hysterically emoji here*  Except it is not going to be funny, for her.  Someday she's going to question what she did wrong.  She's going to wonder how he changed so much or maybe she just imagined that he came to things.  He's going to tell her he never liked going and why does she act like he did, that's not the way it was.  And she's going to think she's losing her mind.  I know because I lived it.  And so did the other victims, uhhh.. I mean exes.

He showed up in my timeline of memories today on Facebook.  (Which sometimes is the stupidest thing Facebook does.  Who needs to see some of that crap first thing in the morning?  Thankfully I've learned to delete those memories so they won't show up again the next year around.)  It happened to be a picture of me that he had taken when we first started talking. A picture that a couple years later he would delete from his Facebook and when I questioned him why he deleted it, he would claim he never took the picture and he had no idea what he was talking about.  He claimed he wasn't sure why I would "make up" such a story.  I almost took a screenshot and sent it to him, but then I remembered my firm "no contact with psychos" rule.  Along with that picture, his new profile picture was there in the little circle of him and his new girlfriend. 

Two thoughts went through my head.  1 - Dang it, she looks so nice and sweet - poor thing.     2 - I wonder how long before he deletes that picture and tells her she is crazy for thinking such a picture ever existed.  The deleting of you off his Facebook happens when he starts wanting to date other women on the side or have online relationships.  I give it a year.  And then you will try to post something on his Facebook and he will say he doesn't want his timeline cluttered up with stuff so he's stopped allowing that kind of thing.  And you'll ask where this picture or that picture went and he will say he has no idea what you're talking about.  It happens.  Hey, maybe I should send her the folder of screenshots from his email and Facebook messenger of all the women he was trolling when he lived with me and was in a relationship with me?  That ought to scare the bejezus out of her.

You may wonder why I don't say anything to this poor woman.  What would you say?  "Hi, you don't know me, but the guy you're dating is an ex of mine.  He's a narcissist and he is going to try to ruin you."  What would you say if someone came up to you and said that about this amazing man you met online?  This man that has already moved into your life, your kids have met and seems like a dream come true.  He says all the right things, sends you gifts, tells you that he has struggled with relationships in the past but you, you are the one he has always been looking for.  You REALLY get him.  Yeah, you'd tell me to go take a flying leap because I sure as heck would have.  Especially since narcissists like to have your back story all ready in case you should run into any of his future victims.  I'm sure he has quite the story about me in place already.

Maybe I should casually slip her this list? 14 signs you're dating a psychopath  Goodness knows he fits almost every single one of these to a T.  But would she see it?  Would she realize it?  My guess is no.  She's going to have to learn for herself what we all learned the hard way for ourselves.

That's not to say it isn't tempting.  There is an uncontrollable urge to ask her what lines he's used with her.  Because according to the women before and during our relationship, he has a pretty standard script he just keeps pulling out and reusing.  I wanted to ask her if she had heard about his second wife yet.  It took me two years to find out about her.  Had he told her he had Reactive Attachment Disorder?  Or was he saving that for when she started to wonder why he had withdrawn all affection?  Did he tell her his parents abused him and they are crazy?  His first wife - did he tell her the made up reason for why they divorced?  The urge to go up to her and just stare her in the eye and in my best theatrical voice say, "RUN!" is strong. 

When he left my house for the last time, or the last time I was there when he was, he left all apologetic.  He told me he realized he was mentally ill and was going to check himself into an inpatient program.  He told me I didn't have to worry about him doing this to any other women because he had learned that he couldn't trust himself in relationships.  He said he was done with relationships forever.  Obviously that didn't last.  And now I do worry. 

I worry and I pray.  I pray for her to keep herself through all of what is to come.  I pray for her kids to be strong and kept out of the middle of their relationship when things go south.  I pray for his sweet girls that are being strung along with yet another girlfriend that he is already half moved in with. Those poor things get ripped away from "family" after family.  I pray that this new victim is stronger and wiser than I was and that she doesn't fall for his mind games and abuse.  And I pray that, when this relationship comes to an end, she is left with her self worth and self confidence still intact.  Some of us had to rebuild ours but the good news is, we are working at building it stronger than ever.  So, prayer warriors, keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers and they will be in mine.  It's the best any of us can do.

Another product review - Revital U Brew

I know, I know, I promise I'm not going to make a habit of these.  But when I get really excited about something, I like to share.  So bear with me because I like this product enough that I almost signed up to sell the stuff (and am still considering it). 

The product is called Revital U Brew.  It's a coffee.  Now those of my friends that know me, know that I hate all things coffee.  Hate.  Can't stand the taste of.  I served a lot of coffee over the years and I've always wanted to like the stuff.  I do love the smell and the appeal of a warm cup of coffee to start the day sounds amazing.  But I've tried everything; lattes, cappuccinos, frappes, or whatever they are all called.  All nasty.   And don't give me the "add creamer" line.  I've tried those too.  Finally I convinced myself that I don't need to make myself learn to love something that isn't especially good for you.  Well, something else that is - because I do have a pretty strong Dt MD habit.

Well, with the theme of the whole "new year/new you" kind of idea - I decided to break my Dt MD habit.  So instead of a Dew, I have a protein shake each morning after my workout.  The workouts have increased thanks to my weight loss challenge (yep - I signed up for one of those too, glutton for punishment).  Since the first of the year I have missed one day of working out.  Pretty proud of that.  So the protein shakes were a logical step instead of soda, and did you know that they come in vanilla ICE CREAM flavor.  Added to milk, that protein shake tastes SO bad for you, like literally having a milk shake for breakfast.  And it probably isn't the healthiest thing in the world, but considering I suck at eating enough meat, it has to be a better option than just a Dt MD for breakfast. 

Link to protein shake: Vanilla Ice Cream flavor!

Then my former sister-in-law added me to a new group she was starting.  It was a coffee group, I thought, so I almost left the group before I read more.  However, I love this kid so I was willing to look into it and keep an open mind.  Again, if you don't know me, I am THE largest skeptic in the world when it comes to weight loss crap. I've tried Plexus (holy expensive and worthless), I've researched Thrive enough to never touch the stuff and I've tried others too.  I almost did a blog on what a joke all these schemes are but I have friends that sell the stuff and I truly don't want to be that person.  But I don't believe in any of it.  Diet and exercise, calories in/calories out.  It's really super simple, well not simple to do, but a simple concept.  I have lost weight in the past, like LOTS of weight at one point in my life and I know how it works.  You eat less, you eat better foods for you and you exercise more.

But like I said, I love this kid so I was willing to take a sample.  Here's what it is supposed to do for you:

Of course the website and her Facebook page are littered with people who have had great results and lost so much weight.  Here's my skeptical thoughts on this and every product of it's type.  I believe that people who use these products probably do have very real results.  I also believe that those people are getting a bit of a placebo effect.  While adding these products, they also eat less and exercise more.  In general I mean, especially those with dramatic results.  But sometimes a person needs that placebo to kick start their butt, so I'm not discounting those products for that purpose at all. 

Also being a skeptic, I researched the hell out of the product.  I got my googling fingers and put them to work, digging as deep as I could.  Being a relatively new product, it wasn't easy.  I found a lot of positive reviews and one really good article that was super critical.  But not only did I read the reviews and the articles, I read the comments too.  Some of these people are way more sciency than I am, so I took those comments and researched the science.  Turns out those people were right.  I hate the line most products give you that it is "all natural".  There are a lot of things in nature that I wouldn't put in my body.  Marijuana is all natural.  Opiods are all natural.  Just because it is "all natural" doesn't mean, "good for you".  But the ingredients in Revital U Brew were coming back with a big thumbs up, one poster even claimed to have run it by her pharmacist and gotten the okay.

So I got my free sample.  It's coffee.  It's literally coffee, an instant coffee.  You make it exactly like coffee.  I hate coffee.  But my SIL said her husband added it to some hot cocoa so I thought, I'll add it to my protein shake.  Success.  It was delicious. I couldn't believe I liked it, but I did.  And I waited to be amazed.  Here's the scoop. 

It was pretty cool.  I did notice that despite not having my Dt MD, I had plenty of energy for the day (reason for that later).  But it wasn't the nervous, jittery kind of anxiety ridden energy that chugging a 20 oz Dew did for me.  It was this upbeat, I love you man, kind of energy.  And I wasn't super hungry, eat everything that isn't nailed down, snacking like a fiend.  I still got hungry, but I filled up faster and was satisfied faster.  That alone was very cool.  I still, being the skeptic I am, think that some of that might have been in my head.  However, if it works it works.

Then I weighed myself.  I'm not so good at weighing myself as THAT causes me anxiety.  I feel like it is defeating not to see the pounds coming off the harder we work.  But after nine days I stepped on the scale.  I was down 4 lbs.  At the 2 week mark, I had lost 6.5 lbs.  For my weight loss challenge I have to lose 10, I am well on my way and I couldn't be happier.  I will not be sharing my before and after pictures.  My SIL did that and the results were outstanding.  I am so proud of her.  I am also blown away by her bravery.  There isn't going to be anyone seeing me in my bra and underwear standing sideways without sucking in my belly any time soon. 

So here's my not so professional review, basically my personal opinion.  1.  It 100% gives you energy - it's got caffeine.  Quite a bit actually, almost the same amount as a 20 oz MD.  2.  It has improved my mood - despite some crap going on all around us lately.  I feel a little guilty about how ridiculously happy I've been actually.  3.  It obviously has helped me shed weight faster as I've only been working out for a little over 3 weeks and 6.5 lbs is a lot for a girl like me.  I don't give all the credit to the product though, I have put a lot of miles in on the treadmill (more so than before) and definitely eating less sweets.  But I have the energy to work out, sometimes even twice a day and I seem to be craving sweets less too.  I still want them, but it is easier to pass them up, if that makes sense. Believe me, I understand it is a mind game.  If this stuff can help me win the mind game= priceless. 

Something not so positive is that because of the caffeine, I'm sure that anyone who stops drinking this will feel some side effects.  I, for one, get horrendous caffeine withdrawal headaches.  It is also $50 a month, if you don't get a deal or do a preferred membership.  But my Dt Dew habit cost me around $60 a month, so....  Words of wisdom - drink lots of water the rest of the day and do not add to your Revital U Brew to your cup of coffee.  I read some reviews of people who had done that.  You're basically having a double shot of coffee with your cup of coffee if you add this TO your coffee. It is coffee.  Make it like coffee and drink it like coffee.  (Or add it to a protein shake, you won't be disappointed.)  Also, you cannot truly judge how the product will go based off of the one sample.  It can take 2 weeks for the full effects of supplements to be achieved.  (I read that from someone way more sciency than me.) So give it time to make a fair assessment.  The sample just really helps you decide if you can stand the taste and gives you a little glimpse of what the product can do for you.

If after reading all of this, you're interested, please feel free to message me and ask to be added to her Facebook group.  I don't like to go around willy nilly adding people to groups.  Especially groups selling things (kind of a pet peeve of mine actually).  This product is ALMOST good enough that I would though!  And if you join her group you can get a free sample just by asking!  Otherwise - if I have sold you on getting your own tub, here's the link:  Click here

Quotes from books on t-shirts

I'm always finding quotable quotes in the books I read. Often I will read something and it will touch me so much that I'll underline it in my book or write it in my journal. (Yes, this is why I buy my own books and hate reading them on an electronic device.) Today in our class novel, as I was reading I got the chuckles about a couple of lines and couldn't help think of the t-shirts I would love to have made with the quotes on them. Of course I knew who I would love to give said t-shirt to or where I would personally wear it.

#1: "Exercise is nothing more than a depressing reminder that one is a not a god." I mean, really. Isn't that just perfect? Picture that on a work out tank top or t-shirt and heading to the gym. I'm sure it would help brighten at least a couple moods, not counting mine. Anything to make those long runs feel just a little bit shorter, right?

#2: "Why does college have to happen to perfectly good people?" Yeah, I already can see the exact color of this shirt that I'm quite certain Libby needs to have as a graduation present. It will be perfect and completely relatable. Especially around finals time next year. You know, when you haven't slept, eaten anything besides crap at your desk and officially feel like you will never have a life again and may end up sleeping in a cardboard box down by the river. Yeah, then.

#3: "Suck it up. Winners don't complain." So, I'm thinking maybe I could keep this one? This almost sounds like something you would see on some Under Armour or Nike brand apparel. Yes it would fit for Sophie and her athletics, yes it would work for Libby and her horses, but really - isn't this the best advice a teacher can give her students? "This assignment is too hard," Mrs Andring points to her shirt. "I can't find the answer to number 3." Mrs Andring points to her shirt. "We have to do all of this by tomorrow?!" Mrs Andring points to her shirt. I could go on, but you get the point.

I'm loving this class novel. Be ready for more words of wisdom tomorrow. This book doesn't seem to disappoint.

Nicknames for nicknames

When you own registered horses, no one calls them by their registered name from day to day.  Those names are more like what we refer to as "show names".  The only time we use them is when we show (and sometimes not even then if it isn't a show that counts for any kind of points).  So that means our registered horses all have "barn" names which are what we call them every day.  However, I'm not sure why that doesn't seem like enough names for our horses.

Do other horse people do this?  Even our barn names get modified, changed and added on to.  So in reality, most of our horses have around 10 different names and not all of them appropriate for a family friendly blog depending on their behavior that particular day.

First China.  China is registered as Maid of Copper.  Her breeder used a name from her heritage, Maid Ya Whisper and clued in on her beautiful copper color to come up with her registered name.  I do love it, especially since we bought her because of Maid Ya a Dream (Ellie).  She started out as Baby China and China Doll.  We often shorten it to just China.  She's been Big Girl, Baby Girl, Girly Whirly and more recently, Momma.  Even though she isn't going to be a Momma, Momma just fits a big old broody acting mare like China is maturing into.  Now, not going to lie, every time we find her IN the round bale feeder, which is her latest trick, she has a new nickname.  I may have referred to her a lot lately as "Cow".   Because, really Cow?  Do you need to climb INTO the round bale feeder just because the hay is pushed to the middle?  Maybe be happy with the hay around the edges, you cow.

Next Peach.  Peach is short for her registered name, Dutch Peach which she came with.  She also came with the barn name, Peach.  We had known Peach since she was one of the favorite foals of that year.  She is just a "Peach".  But Peach becomes Peachy Weachy, or just Weachy or Weaches.  Sometimes, when she is chasing the others or just in general treating the others like the crab she is, she is lovingly referred to as Nag or B*!$#.

Then there is Sully.  Sully's registered name is Dutch Norman Borlaug.   He was named Sully after our Disney name theme idea and we couldn't have picked a more perfect name for him.  Especially this winter with all his long fuzzy hair.  He's a fluffy, slightly chubby, lovable bugger - just like his namesake from Monsters Inc.  Sully hasn't had to learn too much yet, he's halter broke and you can handle his feet.  That's about all we've worked with and since he's so easy going his nicknames for his nicknames are pretty limited.  I think Sully Wully and maybe Chubby Butt are his only additional nicknames.

The last horse that I can call mine and is subject to my nicknaming the nicknames is Kenya.  Kenya is registered as Obviously Chocolate.  I absolutely LOVE her name, but then I obviously love chocolate. (See what I did there?)  We nicknamed her Kenya because of her connection to China, they are half sisters, and her connections to two Ken's.  Her breeder's name is Ken and she shares a birthday with my dad, also named Ken.  Now that we know her a little better, we could have stuck with our Disney theme AND our Monsters Inc. tradition and named her Boo.  She is a little chicken about things yet at this stage in her training.  Kenya has some nicknames that I use, including the old reliable Girly Whirly.  She is also "Little Girl" and "Pretty Girl".   My family jokingly calls her Crockpot.  Long story, but basically Tim seemed to think that we named China after dishes so he decided to name Kenya a "dishes" name too. 

So many nicknames our poor horses are probably developing some kind of complex.  It's a good thing that horses aren't known for coming when you call their name because they'd be very confused about what their names even were. It’s a good thing a white bucket is all it takes to bring them at a run.  

The ex's that come with divorce

There is nothing worse than the constant use of the word "ex" after a divorce.  You have an ex-spouse, ex friends, ex homes, ex material possessions, ex traditions, and the worst, ex in-laws.  When everyone thinks of divorce they think, wow - how hard is it on the kids and the spouses.  But there is a much bigger picture here.  There are a lot more ex's that are just as hard to come to grips with.

The ex traditions are hard.  After my divorce I suddenly found myself with nothing to do on Christmas Eve, when the past 18 years I had spent Christmas Eve with Grandma Pokey and all of my husband's family.  It was a long night.  And that was just one example.  Easter was weird and sad, and birthdays, horse shows, etc...  It's one part learning to live again and 3 parts starting over.  Each year got easier and eventually we came up with new traditions to take the place of old traditions and life moves on.  But there is always that little part of your heart that remembers.

Ex material things still pop up from time to time.  Every now and then I will see a picture of something that I lost in the divorce or reach for something that I no longer have and its a twinge of ugh.  But things are just things and not worth losing sleep over.

Ex friends is so hard.  Throughout my divorce it was always my goal to not make my friends choose.  I never wanted my friends to have to pick a side and who knows who would be on the losing side of that choice.  Unfortunately it happens.  People pick sides and sometimes you don't even get the opportunity to share your side of the story.  It's just how divorce works.  I kept a journal leading up to the divorce, one of the things I worried about the most was how I would deal with the loss of friendships and people believing things about me that they wouldn't ever hear my side of.  It's inevitable and I tell myself that those friends that really knew me and were worth keeping in my life wouldn't believe stories about me without hearing my side first.  But still, there are the ex friends and you just learn to deal with it.

The worst part about divorce are the ex-in-laws.  I went from having a great big family with a ton of little nieces and nephews; to having to watch from the sidelines as they grew.  People always think about the immediate families, but so few of us think about those extensions of the family.  There were a host of little ones that I was going to have to learn to live without.

But I was lucky.  I've been so blessed that Shannon's family has been able to put aside their feelings in the divorce and have kept me in their family.  It hasn't always been easy and I'm not going to say it hasn't caused words between some of them, but I am so thankful that they have remained my friends and have allowed me to continue to be a part of their lives.  I currently have one of my former nieces in class and she still calls me her aunt, as does her little sister who gives me a giant hug every single time she seems me in the hallway.  Those hugs make my day and I can't thank their mom enough for still being my "sister", even if it is just in the minds of a first and fifth grader.  It wasn't always easy, but gets easier as the years go by.  It's always a work in progress, but aren't our kids worth a little work and forgiveness?

I hope that more families can be and are like Shannon's family.  Divorce doesn't have to mean the end of a family unit.  It can be just a change in how that family works.  But for the kids involved, ALL the kids, isn't it better for everyone to learn to get along with the new family dynamic and keep the family unit together?  They say it takes a village to raise a child.  I couldn't agree more, so let's keep that village together and raise these kids to be loving and kind and open to change by example.  Best of luck families!

Things I wish I didn't have to tell my kids

Am I the only parent who gets sick of having to say the same things over and over again?  Every time I say some of the following, I get a teeny bit (sometimes a giant bit) annoyed.  When my kids were littler it was one thing.  I realized that the littles have the attention span of a gnat and the memory for all things mom related of about 10 nanoseconds.  If it is their favorite movie, video game, directions to their friend's house, etc... they have the memory of an elephant.  But when it comes to, "Where do your toys go?" they seem to draw a complete blank.  The following is a list of things I feel like I've been saying every single day for the past 17 years.  (Maybe I'm exaggerating just a little... maybe.)

1.  Brush your teeth.  Why do I still have to tell my children this every morning and evening?  At what point will it just become a habit for them? I will never understand why every time I tell them to brush their teeth they act as if I asked them to cut off one of their limbs.  Brushing your teeth isn't painful.  It isn't even that time consuming.  Afterwards you're left with a minty fresh CLEAN feeling in your mouth and, BONUS, your breath won't knock out the people you talk to.  So what's the big deal?  Brush your damn teeth.  They are all of the age when they are interested in finding a boyfriend or girlfriend.  I would guess that will be slightly easier if you're not missing any of your teeth or have teeth that look like they are growing fuzz.

2.  Make your bed.  I'm going to require you to make your bed.  Every single day.  Don't try to skip it.  Don't try to lie about it.  Just do it.  Again, it takes 10 seconds.  None of our beds are complicated.  I'm not asking for hospital corners.  Flip the comforter over the top.  Throw your pillows at the head of the bed.  Done.  Voila - your room instantly looks cleaner.  There's another little life lesson courtesy of mom.  You never know when someone will stop by and you don't want your dirty sheets hanging out there.  Or maybe you'll have to evacuate your home and the fire department will go through your home.  You'll be glad you had your bed made then.

3. Wear your coat.  I'm not talking about when it is 60 something degrees or even 30 something degrees.  Apparently children don't feel the cold, I get that.  I mean I teach 5th and 6th graders, those little buggers inner thermostats are definitely set at a higher degree than mine is.  The other day when it warmed up to 37 they couldn't figure out why they had to put coats on to go out for recess.  But when it is -20 and a wind chill advisory, why do I have to tell you, child, to wear your coat?  It seems like common sense.  You know, wanting to keep all your fingers, toes and oh - life and all that.  "But it's too bulky, it's too heavy, I don't like it."  Hmmm..  tough, I like you and all of your extremities so you're wearing your coat.

4.  Put things back where you found them.  Why should I ever have to "pick up" the house?  I mean, I put things away when I'm done with them so I'm not picking up my mess.  And if everyone would just put their own things away then I wouldn't have to ever "pick up" the house.  And my favorite, when you tell a child to put something back; they either wait so long that I end up just doing it anyway (part of their evil plan) or they put it back only kind of close to where it is supposed to go.  ie... the bag of chips may end up in the kitchen, but not in the pantry.  I hate hate hate that I have to be a nazi about things and demand that they come put stuff back where they found it.  But what favors am I doing if I constantly clean up after them?  So really, just pick up after your own damn self.

5.  Put your laundry away.  My kids are all over the age of 12 and therefore officially all responsible for their own laundry.  They need to put it in the wash, transfer it to the dryer AND put it away.  They really don't even argue with me about 1 and 2 any more.  But wow - why can they not just put it away.  It only took me a few seconds to train Tim on laundry.  When I moved in, the entire downstairs was covered in loads of clean laundry.  If they needed something, they went and dug around on the couches until they found what they needed.  If I could put a horrified emoji on here, I would.  It wasn't long after I moved in that I folded all of that and had them put it away.  Next I taught Tim that if you put away each load AS it comes out of the dryer, the task becomes something that is very doable.  Putting away one load of laundry literally takes 5 minutes, especially when it is already sorted by room/child.  When you let it get to six loads of laundry it can consume a whole afternoon and then I agree - who would want to do that?   I do give myself a little pat on the back for parenting in respect to laundry.  Libby admitted the other day that some of her classmates are nervous about doing their own laundry at college because they have no idea how to.  Libby told them she's been doing her own for years and has no fears about that at least.   You're welcome Libby.

While some of these are said half in jest, believe me I do understand that kids are kids, there are a few things that I wish my kids (all my kids) would understand:
It really sucks having to be the bad guy.  Sometimes being a parent is the toughest job.  I would love nothing more than to be the fun friend that you can laugh and joke with.  Most of the time, those chores I give you, I would just rather do them myself. I hate having to give consequences, tell you when you are not doing the right thing, or tell you that you can't do things you want to do.  But the fact of the matter is, I have to.  I have to be a parent.  I understand not everyone does.  Heck - I see it all the time within our own household.  That's part of the hard part of being in a step family situation.  It sucks when you have to be the bad guy because the other parents don't parent.  But parent we must because we don't want our kids to grow up to be, well, assholes.  If they get mad at us in the process, we just hope and pray that someday in the future they realize that we did what we did because we loved them.

I cry about you, a lot.  You may think you can't hurt me, but you do.  A lot.  I cry when you say those things; I hate you, you're no fun, why can't you just buy this, etc....  Oh sure, I don't cry in front of you, or at least I do my best not to.  But later, when I don't have to be strong, I cry.  I cry because I love you so very much that I'm willing to put my own feelings aside to be the parent that you need.

A thank you would be nice.  While I love watching you play, perform or succeed; I don't live for spending my entire life either driving to events or sitting at them.  Believe it or not, Mommy had hobbies before she had kids that she wouldn't mind doing again.  But I gladly give them up to be the face in the audience that you see.  So maybe instead of taking your frustration of the game out on me or being angry when I arrive 5 minutes late, try a thank you every now and then.  It would mean a lot to me. 

A product review! Good Girl!

So I've never done a product review on my blog before.  That tells you that this product must be pretty darn amazing.  It really is and I can't say enough about it.  This product has changed our household and our family. 

From the title, you may think that I am talking about myself with the "Good Girl".  Not even close.  The product I want to rave about today is the "Good Girl collar" made by the GoodBoy Company.  Link to the product here:  Good Girl collar

If you were to go to the page on Amazon, you would see that this is a collar designed to help you stop your dog from barking.  If you have visited my house at all in the past 4 years, you know that this is a very real problem in our house.  We love our little Pixie Dust, but she loves the sound of her own voice way too much. 

It isn't all her fault.  She was a very good puppy and I left her home with my ex-boyfriend to train.  Yeah, the one who virtually never left my house as he was unemployed and home all the time, seemed like a good option to train a puppy.  He trained her all right.  Trained her to bark that is.  It was oh so cute to howl and make noises and get her to barking.  Okay, so admittedly it was pretty cute.  But it progressed as an adult to the point that if anyone dared to sing out loud or even goof off and start talking loudly, she gets to howling and barking.  He also seemed to think it was really cute to teach her to bark when people came over.  When someone would knock or ring the doorbell the barking would be encouraged with "Who's here?" or "Get 'em, Pixie."  And yeah - we laughed because, awww the little 4 lb dog thinks she is so ferocious.  Except it got to the point where the commercials with doorbell sounds on them sent her into a fit of barking that didn't stop. 

As a family we were at our wit's end.  We like to host family gatherings and every single time someone new would arrive Pixie would go into a barking fit that lasted several minutes, despite us yelling no, picking her up, even swatting her.  New Year's Eve was the final straw - it was nearly constant barking that drove us and our guests crazy.  So the week following, I searched Amazon.  I'm not going to lie, when I first started searching I was looking for a shock collar.  I know some people are wildly against them, but at this point I was desperate. 

The problem is this.  Pixie is supposed to be a long haired chihuahua, but everyone from vets, strangers and her groomer agree that she is much more likely at last part yorkie.  Whatever the case, she is tiny; like 4 pounds tiny.  The smallest rated shock collar was for a 7 lb dog and I hated the thought of how much that would hurt a dog nearly half that size.  Yes we joked about how it would probably cure the problem pretty quickly but I could not have done that to Pixie (or any dog).  During my search I did come across this anti-barking collar called the GoodBoy collar.  So I did a little research.

This collar is NOT a shock collar, it is a vibration collar.  It causes no physical harm to the dog, just vibrates.  You can not just put the collar on and expect the dog to figure it out.  You have to train the dog to associate the warning tone (it gives warning tones 2-3 times before actually giving the vibration) with the command "NO!".  The collar was rated for a dog 7 lbs and up, but not because it may harm the dog, but they didn't feel it would get small enough for a dog less than that. I looked up with reviews and of course, as always, there were a few negative.  However, overwhelming the responses were very positive.  Complete with the "you saved my dog" type acclamations.  I became determined that I could make this collar fit Pixie and ordered one. 

It arrived in a tiny little box.  I'm not going to lie - I was blown away by how tiny the box was and couldn't imagine that anything from that box would actually work on Pixie.  But I was determined, remember.  So I opened it up and was pleased with how sturdy the collar looked and how cute it actually was.  The collar comes in "boy blue" and "girl pink" so Pixie's collar says "Good Girl" and is pink.  With very little finagling and only a little cutting and burning of the new rough edges, I had that collar fitted to Miss Barksalot and ready to try out. 

For the first 24 hours you just leave the collar turned off and let the dog get used to it.  She got used to it really quickly, only shaking her head a few times.  The next day I nervously turned it on.  It wasn't long before I had a chance to see if it worked when someone came home.  She went to bark and the collar gave a loud warning beep.  I can't lie, I giggled hysterically because her reaction was to start spinning in circles trying to figure out where that sound was coming from.  She barked again and got another tone.  Meanwhile I was telling her no and when she barked the next time and got the vibration she immediately ran away from the door and jumped up by me at the table.  From that point on we worked on training her by putting her in situations she would normally bark and giving her the no command.  Every single time she has stopped barking within one, possibly two barks since. 

GoodBoy collar fixed my dog and saved all of our sanity!  We do feel bad that she isn't able to bark in play anymore and would love for there to come a time when that would be possible.  However, it is a small trade off for having her not bark nonstop at anyone that comes to our home, including each and every one of us!  It's truly amazing.  She is a whole new dog.  She still gets excited and whines when we get home, but no constant barking!  It's so quiet and wonderful. 

The only downfall to the collar is that even when she sneezes she gets the warning tone.  I have read on the directions that you can turn the sensitivity down, which is something we will likely be doing in the next few days now that she is fairly trained to keep quiet. 

So as far as reviews go, I love this product.  It allows me to have a amazing, loving, little dog without all the ear splitting annoying barking that drove us crazy.  We have our house back and Pixie has proven that she can be taught!  Just needed the right motivation! 

A little something different - a poem

So... yeah, I write poetry.  And I don't share it.  Usually.  I've written very few over the years that I've been brave enough to share with anyone.  But sometimes words, thoughts and emotions aren't meant to be shared in the traditional sentence and paragraph form.

Blindsided
by Melissa Andring

You see him
Standing there
Out of the blue
It's been so long
You thought you were over it
But in that one breath you realize
You're not

Breathe

It's just him
He's just a person
But your pulse races
Your heartbeat echoing in your chest
Your stomach clenches
Your breathing speeds up, shallow
Why is he here?  He's not supposed to be here.  I'm not prepared.

Breathe

This isn't love
It's something darker
A monster clawing at your heart and head
Fear
Anxiety
Hurt
Memories crashing over you in waves

Breathe

Suddenly you're that girl
That weak
Scared
Girl
The one he called repulsive
And crazy
And you feel yourself sucked back into feeling... small

Breathe

Cold
So cold
Shaking
Stop shaking
Can't breathe
Every sound so loud
Why am I so cold?

Breathe

What to do?
Run
Hide
Is he watching?
Those extra pounds I can't lose
Why did I wear this?
I hate my hair

Breathe

You've got this
He doesn't control you
Breathe
Be strong
People are watching
Don't let the children see or know.

Breathe

Later
Home
Safe
The tears begin to fall
The walls crashing down
You let the hurt take over

Breathe

Strength
Bruised
Not broken
He can't hurt you now
If you don't let him
Remember
Remember he was wrong

Breathe

Let
It
Go
You're beautiful
You're wanted
You're a warrior
Survivor

Just breathe

Be like a glow stick

There is a story going around Facebook, more of a status that has been shared over and over.  I'm going to admit that I skimmed it pretty quickly, but the story was about a gal observing two little boys in a store.  The oldest boy was getting a pack of glow sticks and of course the younger brother saw this and wanted one.  The older boy gave his younger brother a glow stick and the little one was delighted.  Then the older brother took back the glow stick, not to be mean, but to snap it and make it glow.  The little brother was devastated about the loss of his glow stick until his brother returned it all shiny and beautiful.

The author of that status compared that situation to her own life.  She made the connection that, throughout her life, she went along thinking things were going pretty well, like the little boy with his dull glow stick.  But then there would be a rough patch in her life, a snap, a crack, to show her that things could be so much better.   I, too, could make this connection.

In the times since my divorce it has never ceased to amaze me how my life just keeps getting better.  It took some really awful times, that snap/crack to wake me up and show me how to make my life better.  I look back on the earlier versions of myself and kind of want to crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment.  But I also want to jump up and down and celebrate how far I've come since that person.  I used to be bitter, judgmental, angry and scared so much of the time.  I had all these walls up around myself that I refused to let anyone behind.  And I thought this was just how it was.  This was as good as it got. 

Marriage is an example.  I've probably talked about this a dozen times before, but I really had the wrong idea of marriage.  I thought it was supposed to be hard work.  Husbands complaining about their wives, wives complaining about their husbands.  Lack of physical intimacy, because really, wasn't that just young "puppy" love?  Escaping from each other with friends and hobbies. Arguing and compromising.  Lying, hiding, sneaking, frustrating, forgiving and asking for forgiveness.  I thought a lot of things about marriage and most of them were a load of crap.  But I thought it was just how marriage was.  I thought my marriage was fine.  It took that snap/crack to show me how wrong I was. 

And that snap/crack was a painful one.  It brought me to my knees more than once and forced me to take a long, hard look at myself and who I was.  Not just as a wife, but as a person as a whole.  Not surprisingly, I didn't like all that I saw.  So I had my work cut out for me to be a better person. 

Marriage can be and is so much better than that.  I know Tim and I are still new to this second marriage, but I honestly can't imagine life without my husband by my side.  I've never experienced this level of a partnership or this much love.  He's the person I can't wait to get home to and the person I can't wait to wake up next to.  It's wanting the other to be happy, even if it means not getting your way or not getting to be right.  It's having someone to talk to, bounce ideas off of, lift you up, be your person in your corner.  It's holding hands and kissing and.... (keeping it real here folks).  I'm sure we will have a real argument sometime - but part of the not arguing is being thankful for your partner and realizing that some of the little annoyances in life are just that - minor details. 

I could go on, but I guess how happy I am today isn't the real point of this blog.  The real point is this - the hardest times in our lives aren't the end.  They are the snap, the crack that means better things are coming.  What we need to do is learn from them and know that sometimes it just takes a little break to propel us toward the best. 

The horses are out!

There is nothing that inspires fear and action in a horse lover like those four words, "the horses are out."  This morning as we were all just starting to wake, I got that dreaded call and I have never seen a house react the way we did.  Faster the the word "fire" we were dressed and out the door, on the way to the barn.  The barn being 10 minutes away, it took everything in our power not to speed.  The horses being out on a quiet country road is one thing.  But the barn we board at is boarded on one side by busy highway 14 and the other by a railroad track and the town of Eyota.  I was a nervous wreck.

Tim being new to horses getting out, thankfully that has not happened in the past couple of years, did not know what we needed to do.  He suggested a bucket of grain, which wasn't a bad idea, but we went with halters.  The horses apparently had enough of their walkabout and were literally in the back yard of the house behind where they got out.  We pulled as close as we dared without spooking them, got out and started walking their way.  I said something along the lines of "China" and the three of them immediately came out from behind the house and trotted up to us. 

All the way up to us I'm going to admit I assumed they were going to dash by us and run for the hills.  Instead the three of them; Sully, China and Joker, ran right up to us and waited to be haltered.  I was so thankful they were such "good" horses.  Although the truly "good" horse was Peach as she stayed where she belonged.  Then what to do.  We didn't want to lead them back over the damaged fence.  We didn't want to lead them along highway 14.  That meant option C - lead them along the railroad tracks back to the main gate.  Which meant leading a two 3 year olds and a yearling over a railroad bridge, complete with the loose boards and sketchy creaking and gaps between the railroad ties, etc...  I did not think China would step one foot on there after hating the bridge in Forestville.  But with just a little coaxing she climbed right on and the other two followed right behind. 

Off we went along the tracks and back into their pasture.  All in all I was so happy with them.  I was proud of them being easy to catch, willing to walk across the scary bridge and cross country back to their pasture.  Despite being incredibly annoyed with them for getting out in the first place, they kind of redeemed themselves.  Until tonight. 

You see we made a mad dash to Rochester for fencing materials and spent a good part of the morning fixing fence.  And we thought we fixed all the spots that may have been a problem.  That new forcefield, aka, fenceline was so shiny and new and tight.  Only horse people know the satisfaction a shiny new fenceline brings.  I could have admired that fenceline for hours if it weren’t so darn cold.  We left them to their hay feeling confident.  It wasn’t until I was sitting down to supper and got that same damn call that I lost that confidence.  

We arrived in the pitch dark to find Sully and Joker standing peaceably beside our neighbors who had a rope looped over Joker’s neck and were just petting on Sully.  China, being the big naughty cow she is, was too big to fit through the new gap in the fence.  She paced the fenceline in annoyance.  Sully and Joker were haltered again and made the same trek across the same bridge, this time in the pitch dark, and back in they went. 

Then we got to fix more fence, again.  But this time in the pitch dark by the light of the Traverse headlights.  So we have fixed the fence, again.  And now we cross our fingers and hope the little buttholes quit playing hookey and park their butts at the round bale feeder like normal horses would.  

And hey- bridges shouldn’t be a problem from here on out.