Forgive don't forget

I love talking with my kids.  I miss so much about when they were little; the funny things they would say, the cuddling, the fact that they needed me for more than a ride, but I love the conversations we have had as they have matured.  One of the things we have talked about is forgiveness.  What does forgiveness mean?  What does forgiveness look like?

Can you forgive someone who hurt you?  The obvious answer is yes.  What if you forgive them and they hurt you again?  Can you forgive them a second time?  Again, the answer is yes.  But.....  We could keep playing this scenario over and over.   What if they hurt you a third, fourth, eighty-fifth time?  Of course you CAN keep forgiving them.  But forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.  Maybe that's the bigger picture or question.

There are many different ways that forgiveness looks.  It can be forgiving and going back to the way things were.  Putting it in the past, realizing it was a once in a lifetime kind of error, and being willing to move forward.  Typically this means you have observed some kind of change in the other person and/or remorse.  Maybe they truly didn't understand how much what they did would hurt you, or even that it would hurt you at all.   You probably saw that they had a change in themselves, that they learned something from the mistake and would do anything to prevent doing it again. That kind of hurt is much easier to forgive.

Sometimes when we forgive the person gives a casual "sorry" and goes right back to the same old same old behavior.  That is when the hurt is compounded.  Not because of what they did, but because they KNOW it hurts you and they keep doing it.  Over and over.  It's like they are choosing to hurt you or at the very least, choosing their own wants and needs over yours.  That selfish hurting is so much harder to forgive.  This is the kind of hurt that my girls and I have been talking about the last few weeks.  How many times do you forgive before you say, "I'm done."?    The answer is unique to you and to every situation.

When you say "I'm done", what do you mean?  Does it mean you don't forgive?  For me, "I'm done" means that I am done opening myself up to being hurt by you.  I am not going to put myself in the situation where you have the power to hurt me again.  Unfortunately, being the INFJ personality that I am, it also means I've given you the "door slam".  It means I'm not going to think about you, I'm not going to worry about you, I'm not even going to anything you.  But do I forgive you?  100% yes.  Forgiving you and forgetting what you have done are two very different things.

I can even forgive the narcissist.  It took me a long time to be able to say that.  I forgive him.  I know that he is mentally ill.  Hating him and holding onto the hurt he caused doesn't hurt him.  He will not, can not, feel regret for hurting others.  It isn't possible for someone with his illness.  I almost feel sorry for him.  Because he completely lacks feelings for anyone but himself, he will never find happiness, never find peace, never know love.  That isn't someone to hate, that is someone to feel sorry for and pity.

Forgiving means I understand why you did what you did.  Forgiving means I don't hate you and I've let go of the anger over the hurt you caused.  Forgiving means I don't wish you ill and I don't wish you to suffer.  But because "I'm done" it also means I don't forget what you've done.  I don't forget how you hurt me.  I don't forget what kind of person you have proven that you are and I protect myself (and as much as possible, my loved ones) from feeling that ever again.

Which brings us back full circle.  Both of my girls have struggled with someone close to them hurting them repeatedly over the past few years.  Both of my girls opened their heart to forgiveness and even forgetting to have it thrown back in their face.  I'm proud of them for giving people second and third chances.  I'm also proud of them for the conversations we have had recently.  Both are willing to to forgive.  Both realize that some people are the way they are and aren't willing to change or better themselves, even for those they claim to love.  They have forgiven them for their own sake and let go of their anger.  That doesn't mean they forget.  They won't be hurt again.  They have learned from the experience and used it to become a better person moving forward.  That's the most we can hope for with our kids, isn't it? 

Open your heart to forgiveness.  Forgiveness doesn't have to mean allowing yourself to be hurt again.  Forgiveness doesn't mean going back to the way things were.  Forgive and move forward.   Letting go of that anger and hate is part of the healing process, the best part.

You mean I'm getting better?

My good friend with anxiety (sisters through mental issues?) said I should write a blog about your anxiety getting better.  She said I should write about all those little signs that show you are dealing, coping, and improving.  She mentioned triumphing over anxiety tics - the little coping skills we have to deal with the nervousness.  Jokingly I said, wait - when have I done that?  Or something equally as clever I'm sure.  She laughed (bahahahaha in text) and commented that she ripped off a nail on something the other day and was devastated.  It was then that she realized that she couldn't remember the last time her nails weren't bleeding from constantly picking at them but here they were - growing long enough to get ripped off.  I love hearing stories like these!  Not bloody fingernail stories - healing stories!  Stories about making it past some anxious behavior.  Not only do they give me hope, but I hope they give any anxiety ridden person hope.  So let's see if I can think of some of my own....

I remember the days when I couldn't eat without getting sick.  Even on Tim and my first date I was worried about eating anything, and we were at Red Lobster, because I didn't want to feel sick for the movie later.  It was a great diet plan, not too great for dating though.  I don't remember if it was all of  a sudden, but I know that I noticed it all of a sudden. Eating stopped being something to worry about when it stopped making me sick.

And then there was Dt MD, it also caused me troubles when I was already anxious.  The anxiety combined with the caffeine in Dt MD would send my heart racing and my anxiety through the roof.  The last few months of my relationship with the narcissist I couldn't drink Dt MD without knowing I would have to deal with my anxiety worsening to the point where I could barely stand it.  Luckily, or unluckily, that started to melt away and I went back to my waking up with the Dew bad habit.

I'm not a nail biter, but I did play a lot of Solitaire on my phone.  At some point I discovered that when I was playing Solitaire it required my concentration and I couldn't dwell on what was upsetting, or causing, my anxiety.  I played a lot of Solitaire, especially when I would try to fall asleep.  Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and have to play several games of Solitaire just to fall asleep.  Judging from the fact that I fell asleep at 7:00 trying to watch a movie last night and the fact that I just had to check my phone to see if I even still had the app, I guess you could take that as a sign I'm actually getting better.

I don't have to take medication any more for my anxiety, I was on two at one point.  I don't have to take medication to sleep.  I don't find myself having to use breathing exercises (except before I do a pattern at a horse show) or listen to meditation videos on youtube just to fall back asleep or relax.  In fact, judging from my ability to take a nap at the drop of a hat, I think I may just have the relaxing thing down.

Okay - so looking back, I have made some pretty big strides.  I still have my moments.  Hyper vigilance, is a hard habit (or symptom) to kick.  But hey - Tim can be on his phone without me freaking out.  That's something!  Please share your success stories!  The more the better.  How are you beating anxiety?

Grandma Angel

Recently my oldest daughter just returned from a school visit to Washington D.C.  Not only did she have a great time, it was thrilling to hear her talk about what a moving experience some of the monuments and experiences were for her.  Like her momma, she loved the city; the history and our future that comes to life.

One of her experiences was a visit to the National Cathedral.  She messaged me to tell me that while there she had lit a candle for her Great-Grandma Pokey whom she lost this summer.  After lighting the candle she got a feeling of comfort and peace which she said felt like Grandma saying, "I'll be fine.  I'll be watching over you" which moved her to tears.  I get tears days later just reading that again.  As a family, the girls and I were and remain firm believers in our strong grandparents and my mom watching over us.  Since the girls were little they have been told countless times that their Grandma Angel (my mom) was watching over them.  Sadly, since then, we have added two other matriarchs to their list of grandma angels watching over them.  All of these women were so very different, but all were remarkable in their own ways.

When my mom was in hospice, one of the things she feared was that people would forget about her.  I assured her then and I have worked since, to make sure that my girls know their Grandma Angel.  They know how much she loved, how hard she worked, how crazy she drove me (keeping it real here) and how incredibly strong she was.  My mother was a tiny woman.  Some of my Facebook friends may recall how Sophie was the only family member to fit into her wedding dress when we got it out this past summer.  Sophie, whom everybody comments is tiny for her age, barely fit into my mom's dress.  That may give you an idea of her size.  But don't let that fool you, what she lacked in size, she made up for in heart.  There wasn't anything that little lady feared.  I don't remember her every backing down and she had her convictions. She was fiercely protective of those she loved and she loved with every bit of her being.  She loved my dad so much that she left everything and everyone she knew and moved to our tiny corner of SE MN where he was from.  As an adult with kids, I can fully appreciate how brave she was.  Growing up in a suburb of Chicago, to living on a farm in the middle of Nowheresville, MN was a huge step.  That is just one small example of how strong and how hard my mom loved.  Growing up, that strength would butt heads with my teenage selfishness but there has never been a time in my life where I didn't respect my mom.   Don't worry mom, I tell the girls stories about you all the time.  You are not forgotten.

Another force for only a brief time in my girls' lives was their Great- Grandma Kiehne.  This was my dad's mom and she was the true leader of her family.  While my mom was tiny, my Grandma Ethel was a tall woman with not only tremendous spiritual and mental strength, but great physical strength as well.  For years she had grown up on a farm and spent her married life farming as well.  She wasn't your typical housewife.  She could be seen in all aspects of the farm, working alongside the men, as well as returning to the kitchen to cook for as many farmhands or visitors would be around for that meal.  No one went hungry when my grandma was cooking.  Grandma was also known for taking in those that needed a little extra help.  It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned how many people my grandparents had taken in over the years due to hard times or needing a little extra help.  Grandma didn't back down from a tough job, she never shirked her duty one day in her life and she never ever even considered quitting.

Which brings me to the last Grandma Angel that my girls gained this summer.  As I said, this past summer they had to lay to rest their Great - Grandma Pokey (Pankow) who was their dad's mom's mom.  (Say that 10 times fast)  I blogged about her last summer, so many of you probably feel like this is redundant, but I can't say enough about Grandma Pokey.  She taught my girls about the joy of squeaky cheesecurds, amazing homemade treats like her pistachio bread and Libby's favorite homemade mints, how a card in the mail can brighten anyone's day and most importantly, she taught the girls about love and forgiving.  Once you were loved by Grandma Pokey, you were always loved.  Grandma never held it against me that I divorced her grandson and we were all still welcomed into her home.  Even at 40 I smiled when those cards came for me on my birthday and special holidays.  It has been really hard to know that there won't be a special handwritten note from Grandma Pokey in my mailbox ever again.  Grandma loved and she loved fiercely.  I know they have struggled with her passing and there are a lot of days where we talk and remember Grandma.  I hope she is in heaven right now surrounded by her many many cats and with all the pea salad, caramel rice krispie bars and so many other treats that she spoiled us with every holiday.

My girls are lucky to have so many grandma angels watching over them and beaming with pride.  I know that they are always with them, always lifting them up, always guiding them.  (And probably sometimes shaking their heads at them.)   Just remember ladies, there was a time when you said "I hope you have kids that give you just as much trouble as you have given me."  They haven't disappointed you yet!  Here's to strong women!

Diets don't work

Diets don't work.  Well, let me be clear.  If you google the definition of diet, the first definition that you get says "the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats".  But I think when most American's hear the word "diet", they are thinking more along the lines of the second definition, "a special course of food to which one restricts oneself, either to lose weight or for medical reasons".  See, the first one works, the second one does not. Not only have I seen it time and time again, I've lived it.

Apparently my body is naturally most happy (and my eating habits are most like) a person who weighs right around 140 lbs.  Mostly because I love sweets.  Even when I am not working out regularly, I am fairly active.  But not active enough to burn off candy, bars, cookies, fudge and ice cream.  Dang I love a Culvers custard, a DQ blizzard, or Coldstone.  Personally the cake batter ice cream with white chocolate chips and heath chips is my go to heart attack in a cup.  So periodically I realize that I don't want to weigh 140 lbs and I don't like how I look when I weigh 140 lbs and I do something about it.

Here's what doesn't work:  patches, pills, and special eat this/don't eat that kinds of diets.  Let me explain why.  They may work for a limited time, some of those patches and pills are just the placebo people need to kick start their new diet and exercise plans.  But as soon as they stop taking them, pretty soon they go back to their old eating habits and guess what, that weight comes back.  Temporary fixes do not work.  Whatever changes you make, are you prepared to make them LIFE CHANGES because that is the only thing that works.  If you can promise to always use those patches, pills, etc... for the rest of your life, you're a stronger person than I am.

What does work, is work.  There is no magic solution.  It's simply a matter of calories in and calories out.  It's hard work and it sucks sometimes.  Especially at the beginning.  It is incredible to me how much we can stretch out our stomachs.  Tim and I happen to love the same buffets; Star Ocean, Hu Hot, Pizza Ranch, even the Eyota Cafe on Friday nights.  So when you stop eating enough food for 3 people and start eating just what one person needs, you can be hungry for a while.  Like a lot hungry.  And when you start eating better and stop eating so much sugar, you can really miss that Hershey's at lunch, that ice cream, that cake.  Ugh - it all sounds so good.  But it only takes a couple of weeks and you realize something.  If you stop eating once you're full, you don't need to fill your plate (or refill it).  When you stop drinking soda and sugary drinks and switch to water, it's amazing how many other things start to feel better.  And the weight starts to come off.

So yeah, it's not much fun not having the cupcake that the little kiddos bring for birthday treats.  It's not as much fun to skip the donut on Friday or the ice cream on the way home.  But it is all about choosing to look and feel better.  And just when you think you can't skip one more Snickers for fun on an afternoon, you realize that you have some more tough choices to make.  Looking and feeling better isn't just about passing on the sweets, the buffets or the chips.  It's choosing to exercise when you're tired.  It's choosing to walk a couple of extra miles a day.  It's choosing to get up early or skip your favorite show for some treadmill time.  It's volunteering to walk the dog when it is cold and the wind is blowing.  It's getting up early before the rest of the house and logging an hour.  It's spending your lunch hour walking or cycling.  The more you move the more you lose.  And again - it has to be a lifestyle change, not a temporary fix.

Yes, you can have your cheat days or your cheat snacks, but stop rationalizing.  You need to stop saying, "I'll start my diet on Monday."  Stop telling yourself it is okay to eat that cheesecake because you ran an extra mile (a cheesecake is sooooo many miles....).  You can't work out extra long tomorrow, you can't make it up on the weekend, you have to start now and you have to work on it every single day.  Keep your cheat days or snacks little and treat yourself to feeling and looking better! 

I've been working on changing myself, again, since January.  I feel a little like the Grinch from the book and the movie, "Down a size and a half, and this time I'll keep it off." But I have to believe that I can and will do it.  It's a matter of wanting it enough.  This time I want it enough.  Remind me of that this summer when the family makes the pilgrimages to buffets and ice cream pit stops, okay!

Responses to school shootings

I’m getting pretty sick and tired of having to blog about this.  You know, sick and tired doesn’t begin to cover it.  Disgusted?  Angry? Frustrated?  Horrified? Not sure those adjectives even come close.  There is something I will not understand.  While people are grieving over the lives that are lost, while families and friends are coming to grips with the fact that they will never have another moment with the ones that they love, there are people who can look at their own loved ones and the first thing that comes to their mind is “you can’t take my gun.” 

Everyone agrees, something needs to be done.  The whole prayers and thoughts are with you is great, but children need to stop dying.  I’ve seen so many suggestions and ideas it truly boggles the mind, but hey- at least people are brainstorming right?  But let’s be realistic here about a few of these ideas.

One- no one is going to be taking away everyone’s guns.  That just isn’t going to happen.  Stop suggesting it and stop freaking out about it.  Only the truly radical people are even calling for that and no- it isn’t part of the liberal agenda.   (Goodness gracious people, stop spreading everything you see on Facebook.). And while we are at it, you can stop comparing wanting gun control to blaming guns for killing people like a car kills people.  We all get that it is the driver.  Those of us for gun control know that it isn’t the gun by itself.  But what do you do to someone who drives drunk?  You take away their license.   So yes- gun licenses and gun control does make perfect sense.  We need to have a better system of controlling and keeping track of who has what guns.  See- this makes sense to me.

*And to clarify, since when I tried sharing this idea with a fellow on Facebook he claimed that I must not have my conceal and carry license or I wouldn’t have posted this.  Truth is, I do.  Well, I have my permit to carry because that is what it is called in Minnesota.  (And if you have one you probably know that.)

Two- what is the argument for the average non-military American needing an automatic (or semi-automatic) weapon?  Other than, “it’s so cool”.  I don’t claim to understand the fascination with guns but I’m sure there are loads of people who don’t understand my fascination with horses.  Hell- there are people who collect stamps.  Who am I to judge?  But does anyone need an automatic weapon?  I also don’t truly understand automatic weapons but had someone argue on a thread that a shotgun could do the same amount of damage in one minute as an automatic weapon?  Ummm?  Pardon?  I know enough to know, that isn’t true.  If someone has a legitimate argument for why you need automatic (or semiautomatic) weapons, please fill me in.  My entire family hunts or has hunted in the past.  I get having a hunting weapon.  What are you hunting with an AR -15?

Three- If I hear one more time that the reason school shootings happen is because we took God out of schools I am going to lose my mind.  We have not taken God out of schools.  I have had students pray before meals, before a test, etc... It’s allowed.  Your child wants to pray, they can stay in all recess and pray- to whatever religion or God they choose.  Just like the second amendment (which you and I so adamantly support) is part of the Constitution, so is separation of church and state.  Our country was founded by people fleeing religious persecution.  The same kind of persecution that many Christians want to see enforced today.  Posting the 10 Commandments or school wide prayer has no place in public schools. (I'm pretty sure if you want to send your child where they do have those very things, they are available in all parts of the country.)  Students should not be made to feel like lesser important members of our country or school because they choose to worship a different God or not worship at all.  The problem isn’t that we don’t have God in our schools- the problem is that people have taken God out of their homes.  Sorry- I know you don’t want to hear that, but look in the mirror.  Teach your children about God and what Jesus preached.  Forgiveness, compassion, mercy... put God in your daily life and your children will take God with them everywhere they go.  I know my God is with me every day, everywhere I go, including the school where I work.  Stop blaming the school for taking God out of your kids’ lives.  As teachers, we can’t do that, only you can.  You literally cannot post one second about your second amendment rights being sacred and then two seconds later post that a different section of the Constitution doesn't matter.  Choose your battles wisely.

Four- Arming teachers is a bad idea. Even if you could get teachers to go for the training and the continued training to be accurate in their shooting ability, what happens when the SWAT or police forces move into the school?  How do they identify the shooter versus the armed staff defending students?  How many students get caught in the crossfire?  Come on, picture your elementary and high school teachers growing up.  How many of them would you want carrying a loaded weapon?  How would that affect students feeling safe at school?  What about the angry student that grabs the gun away from a teacher?  Or breaks into a teachers locked drawer or cabinet and takes the gun?  There are just so many variables here that make adding more loaded weapons to schools a really bad idea.

There are things that need to be done.  Keep brainstorming.  Stop making it political.  How can we have less accessibility to the building for strangers or anyone entering after students have arrived for the day?  How can we protect our doorways/hallways since so many of the doors open out for fire code?  What about those of us with windows in our doors?  Wooden doors?  Windows to the ground floor?  Share any and all suggestions.  I'm listening.  While you're at it - read this:  A little about some of the victims  I know when I did I was picturing students in my own building, students from each of my kids' classes.  Students and teachers and staff that I know and love.  I was imagining tomorrow starting without them and I know, I KNOW, that something needs to change.

The Crazy Appaloosa

I guess those of you that know me know which way this is going to go.  I can't seem to help myself from stating how I feel about certain topics.  The appaloosa, a breed near and dear to my heart, is no exception.  There definitely seems to be a prejudice against spots in our part of the land.  Oh no, not paint spots, everybody and their brother around here has a paint.  Libby and I joke that even the most backwards, trash filled, never seen a vet or farrier, horse farm has at least one paint.  But the appaloosa type spots are a lot harder to find.  I feel that a big part of that is due to breed stereotypes.

There is so much misinformation out there about so many breeds of horses.  It's beyond frustrating at times to hear the stereotypes for each one.  Arabs are spooky and flighty, saddlebreds are crazy, quarter horses are slow and lazy, ponies are evil and dangerous, morgans are chunky and tiny, and oh yes - appaloosas are jug headed and stubborn.

Of course there are some genetic predispositions. Arabians are bred to be flashy, beautiful and be able to go for days.  They are also incredibly smart and some of the kindest horses I have ever worked with.  I learned to ride on the quietest, calmest horse I have ever met, an arab.  Of course I got another when my girls were little and he was just the same.  A gem and the gentlest soul you would ever meet.  He literally feared nothing.

halter Arabian

the Arabian endurance horse

I have no experience with saddlebreds worthy of commenting, but I can tell you that some of the craziest horses I have known have been quarter horses.  Quite the opposite of the breed stereotype of quiet, calm and lazy.  One in particular was described to me by the guy I had breaking her out as being a few bricks short of a load.  He wasn't wrong.  We had another I called Krazy Kayla. For a reason.  We have had so many born broke sweetheart ponies, literally dozens with maybe one bad seed in the bunch.  I don't have a lot of experience with morgans either, but a friend of mine does and her beautiful show horses are nothing even close to little or chunky.  Which brings us to my personal favorite breed stereotype, the appaloosa.  The appaloosas that I have known or seen around the show pen were neither jug headed nor stubborn.

Just like in every breed, there are the good, the bad and the ugly across the breed.  Despite being known for their beauty, I have seen some dog ugly conformational train wreck Arabians.  There are some that are the fine boned dishy faced halter type.  And then there are those that were more like my Ole and Taron, chunkier and built to go for the long haul.  Any breed that you study will have its different types within the breed.  Take quarter horses for example.  Those bred for halter are expected to have big round hind ends, overall heavy builds and musculature, little heads, etc....  Compare that to your smaller, compact and catty cow horse or the exact opposite - the 17.2 hand, lanky and elegant hunt seat horse.  So yes, I'm sure you can find a jug headed, stubborn appaloosa.

Within the appaloosa breed there are some definite types as well.  I'm still learning, but from perusing sale ads it seems to be there are the sturdier, not quite as elegant, foundation type.  These are not my cup of tea, but I respect that there are others who are in love with their looks, temperament and seek them out.  Like the quarter horse, the appaloosa is a  stock horse and has many of the same types as the quarter horse.  There are the quick and catty cow horse/barrel horse, there are the racing bred, and then you have the pleasure type show horses.  I bet you can guess which type is my personal favorite.

hunt seat 

World caliber western pleasure champion: Chocolatey

foundation appaloosa stallion

halter appaloosa

appaloosa reining

Not only do breeds have a different type based off of what the animal is being bred or used for, breeds have also changed dramatically over the years.  Age old stereotypes are exactly that; old and tired.  The modern quarter horse resembles its predecessors very little.  Compare Joe Moore, one of the top foundation quarter horses - renowned for his good looks and athletic ability at the time to a cutting horse stallion today.  Change is sometimes good!  Very good!

Let me give you a personal example of breed bias.  A couple of years ago I took a young appaloosa we had in training to her second horse show.  This mare had never offered to buck or put up any kind of fuss.  She was a quiet, calm and gentle; as easy to get along with as the day is long.  The week before I had taken her to her first show and thrown a whole bunch of new sights, new classes and new things at her.  She literally never stepped a foot wrong.  But this particular morning I had barely set myself upon her back before she took off violently bucking.  Looking back we all decided that the most likely cause was probably a bee sting, as they were thick around the arena that day.  But that didn't stop a bystander from feeling the need to tell me, as I sat in a sling with my collarbone in two pieces and nearly through the skin/high on pain meds, that my mistake was riding an appaloosa.  Let's not even reflect on how inappropriate it is to make any comment about someone's horse after they are still reeling from a pretty traumatic accident.  Let's concentrate on the fact that the person felt the need to comment on that particular horse's BREED as the cause for a random accident.  No basis in fact.  No understanding of the breed.  Just a display of ignorance (and lack of tact).  For the record, that crazy appaloosa went to her third show and never again offered to buck.

There's an old tired crappy joke that gets passed around and repeated way too often.  It goes like this: "Do you know why the Native Americans all rode appaloosas to battle?  So they'd be good and pissed off when they got there."  Oh hardy har har.  Isn't that hilarious?  Your little joke just proved how ignorant you are.  Because I'm just going to tell you, the only thing I get when I ride either of my two appaloosas is deliriously happy.  Talk about a pair of wicked smart mares.  I have this little issue called work and an active family so I don't get to ride as often as I would like.  I'm blessed to have these two.  I can hop on them after they've had a week, a month, two months off and they both ride off like the day I left them.  While I'm loving Kenya, China is beyond the impossible.  I've started a few horses over the years and none hold a candle to China, my favorite "crazy" appaloosa.  She's the kind that makes you think you really know what you're doing and are good at this horse thing.  She's the type that could mistakenly get you to think that starting horses is easy.  She just makes me look good.  Thank you China!

What I hope you all take away from this blog is that having a breed stereotype or breed bias is truly ridiculous.  So often those biases are based on historical representations of the breed and/or ignorance of the breed.  If you're sole understanding of the breed is based on one equine of that breed you had or your neighbor had or your uncle's brother's little half sister's cousin had, then maybe you don't have the statistical pool to have an educated opinion about that breed.

Valentine's Gifts on a Budget

Okay okay - tomorrow is Valentine's Day and some of you are still freaking out about getting your significant other something.  *insert eye roll*  I'll try to control my sarcasm here and appreciate that sometimes we all cave to the social norms.  It seems like you just HAVE to get them something right?  But who wants to drop $5 on even just a card?  Nobody!  That's insane.  While I actually scrapbook every card from Tim or my kids in my journal, I am willing to bet that 97% of those expensive cards get tossed at some point in the next month or so, or get pushed around in a junk drawer until someone goes on a cleaning frenzy and tosses it all out. 

So what do you buy?  What if you're the kind of person that is frugal?  What if you're not only frugal, but broke to match?  How can you do something special for that special someone, without breaking the bank?  I have some ideas for you!  Some I researched, some I heard on the radio this morning when the question of the day was "What to get your significant other for Valentine's when you're broke?", and some are just off the top of my crazy head.  Here you go, last minute shoppers!

1.  Dollar Tree:  For a couple of bucks you can get a wine glass/mug/jar/bucket and fill in with candy.

2.  Candles - light some or get some.  Then do one of the following:
           a.  cook them dinner (especially works if you aren't the one typically in charge of dinner)
           b.  make them a treat
           c.  put on a slow song and ask them to dance
           d.  sex (come on - you know that is a great gift)
           e.  read them a poem you wrote about them (or borrow some lyrics to read) - funny is okay!
           f.  curl up in a blanket and tell stories to each other.
           g.  massage, with or without oils

3.  Make them a coupon book with things like "one free car wash" or "one dinner cooked by me" (or some naughtier ideas) and don't you dare put expiration dates on them.

4.  Take an old jar and some slips of paper.  Write the many reasons why you love them on separate slips of paper.  Try to fill the jar.

5.  Swipe their phone and make them a play list titled "Somebody Loves You".

6.  Go for a walk/hike/bike ride/ski/etc...

7.  Visit a museum or free zoo

8.  Make a blanket fort and cuddle inside

9.  Do the whole movie experience at home; with the popcorn, snacks or whatever makes it seem most like a regular movie night out.

10.  Play games and feel free to make some friendly wagers to keep in interesting.

12.  Make them something artistic - draw, color, paint, wood carve, the more awful it is, the sweeter it will be.

13.  Pet rock - decorate a rock to look like a little "love monster" (to protect your love when you're not there).

14.  Hershey's Kisses and Hugs - for when you're not able to hug and kiss them

15.  Do face masks together -- always good for a laugh.

See!  Don't despair.  Guys - an overwhelming number of girls weighed in on the "homemade dinner" being a romantic date idea.  Especially if you add in a blanket on the floor or candles.  Dress it up, dress it down and it doesn't have to be fancy.  Use what's already in the fridge or cupboard and keep it fun (unless the only thing in your cupboard and fridge are mac n cheese, beer and ketchup).

Whatever you do... don't be Chandler....  Click here!

"I love you" isn't once a year

It's that time for my yearly vent.  Valentine's Day - ugh.  With all the hustle, bustle and drowning in red and pink, it's easy to get swept up into the "spirit" of the holiday.  I have taken it as my personal mission in life to preach about my argument against this holiday and this year will be no exception.  I hope beyond hope that I set an example for my own children that carries into their future relationships and I hope beyond hope that some of my friends and family hear me and take my words to heart. 

The title of the post pretty much says it all.  "I love you" shouldn't be just once a year.  Far too often in relationships I see where significant others feel they are "off the hook" because they remembered the Big Three: birthday, anniversary and Valentine's Day.  We feel that if we make a big deal out of Valentine's Day and shower our loved ones with chocolates, candy, jewelry and dinners out, it makes up for the other 364 days a year when we don't make loving them a priority.  I get it, life is busy.  Life is hectic, but love needs to be a priority.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you can't show them you love them all the rest of the year long, a dozen roses on February 14th isn't going to change how they feel about your relationship. 

Again, I'm coming from a negative background on Valentine's Day.  I've spent too many Valentine's to count where my impression of the holiday was disappointment.  One Valentine's when I was married to my first husband, I got a coupon to McDonald's for a couple dollars off and he was giving me the silent treatment.  Needless to say, that was our last Valentine's together.  You know, the old straw and camel business.  I got roses from an ex to try to make up for cheating.  I got nothing.  I got... you get the picture.  But in their defense, some of that disappointment came from expectations; expectations not based on reality, but on media.  Expectations that one day of the year could make up for feeling unloved, unwanted, and like a failure the rest of the year long. 

Tim is one lucky man, I expect nothing for Valentine's Day.  But Tim is lucky because Tim tells me he loves me every single day and shows me even more than that.  Just last week I got a jar full of flowers delivered to my desk at work.  Why?  Because he wanted me to know he loved me, appreciated me and considered himself lucky to have me.  (Aside: funny story.  My students just couldn't figure out why a husband would send flowers randomly.  One student commented "I bet he wrecked something of yours!"  Typical fifth grade escalation... the next student yells, "I bet it was your kitchen!"  To which the first student blurts out, "I bet he blew up the stove!"  I can't say enough how much I love working with 10 year olds.)  But the fact remains - random flowers.  We are constantly surprising each other with random cards, texts, songs, dinner dates, etc...  But Tim and I have a unique perspective coming from our failed relationships.  We know what didn't work and so far, we are doing a pretty darn good impression of figuring out what does. 

Let's take note of some of the ways we can show we love one another:
1.  An "I love you" text or meme throughout the day.
2. Filling up their car with gas, especially in the winter when no one wants to stand outside in the cold.
3.  Speaking of cars - washing their car, vacuuming their car, taking a rag to their car, even hanging something fresh smelling in their car.
4.  Doing some odd job around the house that they have been putting off (ie...I hate dusting....)
5.  Putting a treat in their car or coat pocket - nothing like finding a Cadbury egg on your dash to make your day.
6.  Running to the grocery store to get that last minute ingredient so they don't have to.
7.  Taking care of them when they are sick.
8.  Texting to ask how their day was, if they made it home safe, if they made it to work, telling them to be safe, etc...
9.  Hugs, kisses, holding hands
10.  Doing household chores together
11.  Dinner dates
12.  A random card or note to say "I love you" or "I'm thinking of you". 
13.  Telling them thank you or that you appreciate them.
14.  Massages!
15.  Cooking them a special meal or their favorite treat
16.  Affection - any kind, even that quick cheek squeeze (and I'm not talking the grandma "squishy cheek" kind.
17.  Spontaneous sex
18.  Watching their favorite show with them, even if you'd rather be watching a Hallmark movie
19.  Be okay with doing nothing with them, just be, sit and listen
20.  Laugh!  Send them a funny joke, tell them a funny joke, watch a funny movie.
21.  Dance.  Turn on a slow song and dance close, or turn up a fast one and dance until you laugh.
22.  Take photos together.  Share them with the world. 
23.  Tell them you are proud of them.  That is a huge one for me and anyone else who has been made to feel less than worthy and a burden. 
24.  Reminisce about when you met, your first date, your wedding - those memories remind you of a happy time and bring to life the overwhelming love you have for each other.
25.  Listen to their stories of their past without judgment.  This is huge, what a way to show someone you love them!  We all make mistakes, we can't hold their paths to us against them. 

I guess the moral of my story is this; don't wait for the once, twice or three times a year to show our loved ones how important they are.  Love them and let them know they are loved every single day.  If you want to show your significant other they are extra specially loved on Valentine's... well... I have some ideas for that too.

DIY Ideas for a Valentine's Gift they will love

Choices and eating right

So... just so you don't think it is all sunshine and roses with Tim and I (keeping it real here), sometimes we do have a difference of opinion.  I don't want you to think, after reading this blog, that I'm a vegan, granola, diet fanatic.  I'm truly not.  But making better choices is always something that is the forefront of my mind and something that I do research.  I'm also lucky to have a friend that has done so much personal research she borders on a nutritionist.  She puts up with my endless questions and always gives invaluable advice. 

This weekend we had all the kids home and around for breakfast Sunday morning, so I made French toast.  French toast, the way I make it, already isn't the best thing for you.  Eggs are good, milk is good, bread is okay, but I also add a little and .... wait for it... cinnamon sugar.  I know, I know.  Sugar = bad.  I haven't even watched the sugar documentary and I know this.  In fact, I think the whole world knows it, they just choose not to listen.  So I'm making French toast and the family is eating.  I look at the table and see the canister of sugar out.  I ask who got it out and guess who sheepishly raises his hand?  My husband.  Yes.  I know that maple syrup isn't sugar free, but my amazing husband hasn't used maple syrup.  Instead he has coated his French toast with a few heaping tablespoons of white sugar.  Sigh. 

This is not new.  This is not the first time we have had this discussion.  Again, this is not new.  I watched him put sugar on his Raisin Bran one morning, which led to his daughter thinking it was okay to put sugar on FROSTED Flakes.   His defense is, "but this is how I've always eaten it.  This is how I ate it as a kid." And then I watched as both of my stepkids proceeded to add sugar to their French toast on their plates that already had maple syrup.  Sugar on sugar.  *shudder*  Of course I put on my evil stepmother hat and nagging wife t-shirt and remind them to make better choices.  I reminded them the dangers of too much sugar.  I reminded them that we were having BREAKFAST, not a dessert.  Of course they laughed at me and did it more, because what do I know?  This led to me telling them I didn't really find it funny.  And I don't, because honestly it really terrifies me. 

I don't want to hear, my mom did it or my grandpa did it.  Truth is, they made a lot of horrible health choices.  Truth is, I make a lot of horrible health related choices.  But I also TRY and we have to do a better job of trying.  We have to do a better job of not choosing candy and sweets.  We have to do a better job of eating our veggies.  We have to do a better job of watching our oils and fats.  And we have to do a better job of drinking water.  We cannot just get by with "that's the way I was raised" and then set the example for our kids to be raised making the same bad choices.

I could make the choices I was raised with too.  My mom was a Diet Pepsi fanatic.  I remember the old glass bottles and returning them by the door of the IGA to grab another couple of 6 packs.  Then it moved to cans and plastic bottles.  I fell into that trap myself, only my drink of choice was Diet Mountain Dew, definitely not an improvement.  Thanks to the example set by Tim, who never drinks any kind of pop or alcohol (see - unicorn status reinstated), I've given up pop myself.  It wasn't easy, it still sounds really good and if there was one in front of me it would take some kind of super power not to drink it.  I cannot lie and say, "I don't even miss it."  Sugar addictions are a very real and powerful thing.  To help combat poor choices, we don't have any pop in our house.  The kids' drink choices are water or milk, with the occasional pitcher of lemonade.  So we are trying. 

I'm all about treats.  Sometimes when we go to a game we will get concessions and they will get a pop, or when we go out to eat.  I even bought pop for them last night for the Super Bowl dinner.  But we, as parents and adults, have to keep making those kinds of things a treat, not a regular menu item.  I get it, it sucks.  Sugar and sugary treats are yummy.  I love them as much as the next guy - I'm a baker for Pete's sake.  But guess what else - diabetes sucks.  And heart disease.  And cancer.  And obesity.  And all the other diseases and health issues that are directly related to making poor diet choices. 

I'm not saying you have to cut sugar completely out of your diet.  I've known people who do and it never ceases to amaze me; a little like voodoo magic.  I'll admit I'm not out researching how to make cookies without sugar (or real butter), or pie crust without lard.  To me, it's about balance.  Sugar is a treat, not a breakfast condiment.  Sugar is a once in a while, not a daily necessity.  Sugar needs to be a "sometimes" food, not an "everyday" one.  I need to remind my kids that having Skittles for breakfast and french fries for lunch is all fun and games when you 13 - 18 years old.  Just wait until that metabolism slows down and those Skittles become inches and those fries become thighs.  If we teach them to eat right now, what tastes good as adults will be so much better for them and their choices will become easier.  And yes, Sophie, I'm going to keep telling you to "eat like an athlete if you want to be one". 

Come on folks - help me out here.  There have to be more "bad moms" out there fighting this fight.  Feel free to share a healthy recipe or just tell me that I am not alone.  Even if I am, I'm going to keep right on nagging my kids and husband because I love them.  And heck - they can't stop me. 

25 Things About Me

Does anyone else hate those ridiculous ice breaker type things that they do at meetings?  Ugh - nothing worse.  One of my least favorite are the ones where they trick you into someone saying personal stuff about yourself to a room full of complete strangers.  So of course I have done that one in the past in my classroom.  At least until I tried to do it myself and realized what kind of cruel and unusual punishment it is.

So to make it up to all the students over the years, here's 25 things about me, basically more than you ever wanted to know about Melissa.  

1.  As an adult I think pizza is the perfect food.  I love every kind of pizza and flatbread you can imagine.  I will say the more crust the better; deep dish and pan are my favorite.  Breakfast pizza, Hawaiian pizza, tomato and basil flatbread, you name it - all good.  I've even had a seafood pizza that was delicious.  I'm not even picky about "good" pizza.  Give me a $2 frozen Roma pizza or some gourmet pizza, I don't care.  All good.  But as a child, I was that annoying kid who didn't like pizza and always ordered something else when the family went out for pizza.  

2.  I will pretty much sing along or listen to any kind of music, EXCEPT jazz.  I just don't like jazz or blues.  It all sounds the same to me and it all sounds just weird to me.  But yes, I have been known to pull up a Barbie soundtrack and sing along and I'm not ashamed to say I recently downloaded the karaoke version of the Mary Poppins soundtrack.  

3.  I have a brother and a sister but I'm the youngest by 7 years.  This led to my entire high school years being almost like an only child.  I'm not complaining, I loved it. 

4.  I have been in love with horses forever.  Literally as long as I can remember.  My very first horse was a paint pony named Teddy that did everything in his power to buck me off every time I rode.  So I like to skip him and go to my second horse, a 19 year old old Arabian gelding named... Ole.  That horse taught me to ride and I would go out in the pasture and hop on him bareback.  If I wanted to turn I reached down and pulled his halter one way. If I wanted to stop, I grabbed between the ears and pulled back.  Did I mention he was a saint?  

5.  I'm blind as a bat.  Yep, I wear contacts.  I hate how I look in glasses so I have to be having a really bad contacts day if you see me in my glasses.  (Or you stopped by the house after I got ready for bed or haven't gotten up yet.) 

6.  I hate running, but do it almost every day.  Okay, maybe hate is a strong word.  However, the whole time I am running I am thinking about how this hurts and just 5 more minutes.  Lately my mantra while running has been, "strong legs, strong heart, breathe strong" because my legs hurt and I've been short on breath.  It isn't just running - I hate exercise in general WHILE I'm doing it.  It's after that it feels great.  

7.  I have taught 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th grades as a regular ed and social studies teacher.  I've done long term subs that covered all the other grades.  I can honestly say that I can't pick a favorite grade but I would rather not teach anything below 4th.  There were positives and negatives about every level.  

8.  I love to read and I've read some of the adult favorites.  My all time favorite book ever is Gone With the Wind.  I could read it over and over.  However, I have more young adult books that I love than any other genre.  Harry Potter and the Percy Jackson books being personal favorites.  Truly anything fantasy. though makes the list of faves.

9.  I'm a lover of all things Disney, especially the older movies like Aladdin, Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, etc...  I even had one of my senior portraits taken with all of my Mickey Mouse stuff and it was a lot.  I also love Disney World and want to go back again someday. It's supposed to be a family vacation, but people really underestimate the appeal to adults.  I loved it there when I was 19 and appreciated it way more than I did at 8.

10.  I love memes.  I love sending memes, I love getting memes, I love reading memes and I love finding the perfect meme.  Gifs rank right up there too.  I can be having a bad day but the right meme or gif can usually bring me out of my funk. 

11. I love clothes.  I love clothes shopping.  I love looking at clothes.  I love planning outfits.  I'm not good at it, mind you, but I have a Pinterest board called "My Style" that is overflowing with my dream outfits.  I can't afford to buy the outfits I would love to put together and I definitely already spend too much on clothes, but Goodwill and thrift stores are my go to for shopping fun.  

12.  I used to scrapbook a ton and now I still try to find time to get to it every now and then.  Keeping memories is so important to me, especially being the history buff that I am.  I want all of my future grandchildren and great grandchildren to be able to look back and have a family history to enjoy. 

13.  I love to bake.  It started late in high school and after when I was the pie baker for the Harmony House.  I was trained by the best, my Grandma Kiehne.  She was a harsh teacher, one time telling me that my apple pie was "better than she thought it would be", and that was a huge compliment.  She would yell if the dough was too thick, yell if it was too thin, but I learned one thing.  You can fix almost any mistake and you don't give up.  My only regret is that I never got my butt out of bed at 4:30 to learn how to make her cinnamon rolls.  

14.  I am a fabric hoarder.  I hate totes of fabric left over from the days that I used to quilt.  So many half and unfinished projects!  I'm pretty sure that it has been more than 10 years since I quilted last, but once upon a time it was one of my favorite pastimes.  I hope to someday get back to it, hence my fabric collection.  Hopefully it doesn't go out of style.  

15.  Friends is the best show ever and I have watched the entire series multiple times, from Episode 1 - 236.  I'm currently about 2/3 of the way through the series again.  Even though I have virtually every episode memorized,  it never ceases to get me to laugh and smile.  I may be able to give a Friends reference for nearly every trial or struggle that comes up in my life.  It is quite difficult not to quote Friends or share Friends clips in school.  

16.  I've watched enough Gray's Anatomy that I'm pretty sure I could save your life.  I mean, I've seen it done like a thousand times.  I'm pretty sure I could perform a periocardiocentesis with a ball point pen and a straw.  I mean, I saw it on TV....

17.  I'm a little bit of a neat freak.  I hate mess and clutter and absolutely love "a place for everything and everything in its place".  Hence my love of binders, tabs, folders, totes and all things meant to sort and organize.  I have Pinterest boards devoted to organization.  It's kind of my happy place.

18.  While I love things clean, neat and organized (seriously love the smell of bleach and "clean linen" is my go to scent), I hate dusting.  Hate is a strong word and I hate dusting.  The temptation to have zero things set out to dust around is strong.  The fact that on any given day you could write your name in the dust in a given room in my house is true.  I need to be better about dusting, but I don't wanna.  

19.  I have generalized anxiety disorder, the kind that makes you see a therapist.  Approximately 2 years ago I learned enough skills to be able to manage my anxiety on my own and feel fairly confident that I have a handle on it these days.  But it is always there and I'm always thankful for those that help me cope instead of judging.   

20.  I used to be a cheerleading coach and loved it.  It is seriously one of my happiest memories from the last 20 years.  We had a blast and I will never forget how proud I was of them when we went to our state competition and brought home a 3rd place trophy.  I still have cheers that run through my head.  I cannot spell aggressive or determination without getting the rhythm firmly implanted in my brain. 

21.  My idea of a perfect weekend day is sleeping in, making a big breakfast, reading my book or watching a movie, taking a long nap, making dinner and then going back to bed.  Naps should be what people do for dates.  Sounds like a dream date to me.  To make a reference to another favorite Friends episode, "What's not to like?  Sleep good, cuddling good, waking up rested and not in a bad mood...."

22. My idea of the perfect date, (if nap dates don’t count as real dates), is dinner and a movie.  Or even just a movie.  I LOVE action, especially anything Avengers, and will usually pass on anything comedy.  I’ve seen a lot of comedies and some are okay, but I hate how the theme of so many is that things just constantly go wrong after wrong after wrong for the main character.  To me that’s not funny, it’s depressing. No movie is complete without popcorn, and yes with butter. Not a little bag either, the big jumbo tub.  Even better is a jumbo box of milk duds. If you eat the milk duds and popcorn at the same time you get caramel popcorn.  Amazing!! 

23.  I’ve been a waitress for the last 27 years except for a 7 year break in the middle.  While there are definitely days that are harder than others, I do really love serving and I love my current job at the Village Square.  I love the food we serve, the people I work with and my boss.  Can’t wait for us to open again this spring.

24. I struggle with confidence issues about a lot of things; singing, horseback riding, teaching, serving, cooking, people skills, looks, athletic ability, pretty much everything.  I’m very thankful for every little success in my life and I can’t thank those people who consistently lift me up enough. 

25. I haven't always attended church faithfully and still struggle to get there some weeks.  However, I have always been religious and there was a pastor who actually recommended seminary school.  Looking back, I feel like I would have loved getting to share God's word with the world, but I'm grateful for the career path I did choose.  However, I will continue to practice my faith and share here when appropriate.  I never want to force religion on any of my friends, for me it has helped me through some struggles in my life.  I will forever be thankful for God's guiding hand. 

Okay.  Whew.  25 was really hard!  I started this blog over TWO WEEKS ago!  But I'm done.  Finally!  You now know more than you ever wanted to know about me.  Feel free to share a couple things about yourself either here or on Facebook.  I'd love to hear more about all of you!  

Teenagers Suck

Remember all that sappy stuff I said about my oldest in the blog yesterday?  Yeah- I take it back.  Teenagers suck. Let me explain...
So I work out at a place in town.  You get a key fob to gain entrance to the building.  Me being OCD (and because I have forgotten it in the past), I have a system for my fob.  I put it on a gold carabiner and snap it into my water bottle when I leave to work out and then hang it back on the key rack by the door when I get home.  Every. Single. Time.
Imagine my surprise when I go to walk out the door at 4:30 am and no key fob.  I started looking everywhere; coat pockets, floor, other water bottles, car, you name it. But I knew it had to have been hanging on the hook.  With time wasting I just went to work out and lucked out that someone was going in when I got there to hold the door for me.
When I got home I questioned the family.  I described the key fob and the carabiner “it’s a GOLD carabiner.”  Nobody had a clue.  I went all day trying to figure out how in the hell it had gone missing.  The only thing I could come up with was that it had somehow gotten knocked behind the stove.  Notice the empty hook on that end? Darn it.

That evening when we all got home I had Libby help me pull the stove out.  That wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.  Did you know there is nowhere to grab on to those darn things?  We had Sophie look behind the stove and guess what?!  Nothing.  How disappointing.  So I gave up and made the embarrassing call to the fitness center to request a new key fob.  Ugh.
I got the mail, sorted through the junk, did a few more things around the house and went to bed.  Tim came home a few minutes later and also went through the mail (honestly that’s important - bare with me) and then came to bed.  The next morning I got up, showered and headed out to the kitchen for some juice.  Look what I saw on the mail.

I’m not gonna lie.  All sorts of crazy thoughts went through my head.  Remember I read a lot of books and do have a healthy belief in angels, ghosts and in the unbelievable.  I may have gone in the bedroom and told Tim we needed to move.  Immediately.
I go out to the kitchen and my oldest comes crawling up the stairs.  I ask her again about it, telling her how shocked I am to see it show up.  She says she has no idea.  So I go into a tirade saying how we have to move and I’m not staying another minute in our haunted house because, unless one of the kids is jacking with me, we very realistically have a poltergeist. Which is the point where I realize she’s laughing way too hard for a 17 year old that has just woken up.  Between her gasping laughter she admits it was her.  Originally she had accidentally taken it thinking it was an unimportant key chain for her house key, but had enjoyed watching me freak out.  The little brat helped me move the stove, all the while knowing full well there was no key fob behind it!!
Don’t worry- payback is coming.  I asked her how funny it would be when she couldn’t find her Snow Ball dance dress on Saturday.  Tim feels it may be even funnier when I wear it to work on Friday.  She may have said, “I dare you.”  Hmmmm....