They're all my babies

It's that time of year again.  It's time for the annual FC vs DE basketball game.  There are a few times every year when my Sophie puts on a jersey and competes against the girls who were her very best friends and teammates for the first 12 years of her life.  In the fall it is a volleyball jersey and last week it was the basketball one.  Then just a couple days later it was back across the net for JO volleyball.  These games are always so bittersweet.

Each game I try to be a loyal Eagles fan and cheer my daughter and her team on to victory.  But there is a huge part of me that looks at those Falcon girls as my very own too.  So I can't help but celebrate when they make a hit, a dig, a basket or a great catch.  Very often at games I get a lot of confused and unhappy looks from the fans around me.  Such was the case on Thursday night.  As I cheered for various girls on the opposing team I had a nearby fan ask me, "Who are you cheering for anyway?"  I laughed and explained, "All of them?"  This is one of those times where "sorry not sorry" would definitely apply. 

People have to understand what it is like to be a teacher.  For those 9 months that your child is in my room, they are one of "my kids".  I worry about them, I celebrate with them and sometimes I cry with them.  I treat them as I would treat my own with high expectations but with great joy and concern as well.  I spend more time with them than many of their parents do each day and we get to know each other very well.  Students will often talk with and tell their teachers things that they would never tell their own parents, especially about friends and friendships.  These kids become my kids and each one of them will always be one of my kids, even years later.  So yes, when I see one of them on the court or the field years later, I'm cheering for them.  I want success for them, not just because I still consider myself a Falcon (as an alumni and teacher), but because I want the best for "my kids". 

When you add in the fact that many of the girls on Sophie's team were literally her best friends then I have a real conundrum.  These girls were literally "joined at the hip".  They went everywhere together, did everything together, planned Halloween costumes together and exchanged gifts at birthday parties.  They knew everything about each other and yes, they loved each other.  Some of my favorite memories of Sophie as a little girl include Lauren, Marissa, Kendyl , Gracie, etc...   They became part of our family and will always be a part of our family. 

Moving Sophie from her tight knit group of friends was the hardest part of us starting our new life together with Tim and his family.  When Sophie first joined the Eagles I took an Eagles t-shirt and a Falcons t-shirt and sewed them together to show my divided loyalties.  That shirt has somehow disappeared from my drawer, but that doesn't stop me from being both a Falcon fan and an Eagles fan rolled into one. I will always cheer for ALL my girls, no matter what the crowd thinks.  As one of "my girls'" dads said, "Just tell those that ask that they are all your babies."  He may have said it with a smile, but he's dead right.  Those girls are are always will be my kids.  Go Falcons! (and Eagles!)

Get a new script or better yet...

Ever been a referee in a game before?  Even if you haven't, I bet you can say all the lines from the script with me.

"Are you blind?"
"Call it both ways!"
"How much are they paying you?"
"Foul!"
"Travel (or pass interference or holding or whatever soccer players do that's wrong)"
"Do your job!"
"Three seconds!"

And on and on and on.  I once decided that at games when my husband was reffing (wait - I'm supposed to say "officiating") I would see how many minutes it would take before I heard one of the above comments.  It isn't "minutes" believe me.  Sometimes it hardly makes it through the first possession of the game before someone in the stands decides to play "bleacher ref".  (Kind of like "armchair quarterback" only more annoying.) Sometimes I say things too, not gonna lie.  But most often on game nights when hubby is sitting next to me, when I call out something I believe to be true, he turns to me and nicely informs me that I am dead wrong. (He's a brave man, yes he is.  Hence why he's a ref.) 

Do you know why I am wrong?  It's not because I'm dumb.  Well, I am rather ignorant when it comes to sports in general.  But after watching roughly a couple thousand basketball games you start to think you know something.  However, the cold hard truth is - I don't.  I don't know jack.  Chances are, unless you are an official yourself, you don't know jack either. The rules of basketball are long and complicated.  It's this whole big book full of rules that comes from the Minnesota State High School League every single year.  And you know what, it changes sometimes.   Yeah, who knew?!  So even if you think you knew everything when you were a player 30 years ago, there is a good chance the rules have changed since then.  Shocking, I know.  (Does anyone else remember back when basketball had quarters and not just halves?  That's not the only rule that has changed since you strapped on your Air Jordans.)  Refs, excuse me - OFFICIALS, have to study those rules every year.  They have meetings where they discuss the rule changes.  They run through scenerios with old and new rules.  They watch game situations and discuss them.  They have coaches send them the game film and watch the calls they made (or missed), their mechanics, etc... to improve.  And they take tests.  Yep, tests to make sure they are able to do their job.  When was the last time you took a test to prove you could do your job?  Officials work hard at their job, this SECOND job that they have, for the love of the game, the sport and the kids.

You think you know everything about basketball?  Check out this article - I bet you learn something.  And that isn't the half of it.  Article about rules that may be different than you thought.   I know I learned something.  Who knew that "over the back" wasn't a thing anymore?  Or that 3 seconds starts over every time there is a shot?  I guarantee some people have missed that rule.

It's not that hard to be a ref you say?  Let me tell you how bad it can be.  Just this year my husband has been told he officiates a great game by many.  But he has also had an angry parent literally go nose to nose with him and demand to "have it out right now" after a 6th grade game.  He's had a player HIT him while running by him on the court because they were unhappy with a call he didn't make at a varsity matchup. (Kid wanted a goal tending call and didn't get it.)  He has been sworn at.  Told he can't make a fan leave (this while actually being a site supervisor, not a ref) for yelling at the officials.  He has been called names.  He has had a coach refuse to let him ref his next game in tournament play (also a 4-6 tournament) and more.  And yes, you read that right - some of these are coaches and parents of kids 12 and under.  TWELVE AND UNDER.  These kids aren't playing for a state championship or a playoff opportunity.  They are literally still learning how to dribble the ball and their coaches and parents are swearing at officials.

As a result of the awesome way we treat our officials, our neighboring state is losing officials at an unprecedented rate.  They run the real risk of not being able to hold or make up games due to not having anyone willing to slap on the old stripes and whistle.  How will all these coaches and parents feel when their kids can't even play the game? Article about WI officials  If things don't change in MN, we may not be far behind.  Being a ref is often a thankless job and even more so, downright threatening.

What do we need to do to change this climate in our schools?   I don't have all the answers.  I'd love to hear some suggestions.  First we need to check out own behavior.  Before a sports season begins we need to have real discussions about how we will treat our officials at parent meetings and with our coaches. We need to back up those discussions with our site supervisors enforcing sportsmanship at games.  Either CHEER for your team or just watch the game.  (You know, the golden rule we all learned as little kids?) We need to tell our friends and neighbors to "cool it" or sit down when they get fired up at the games.  We need to remind ourselves that there are coaches and refs to help our kids with the game and we are just there to be supportive, not judge, jury and executioner. 

I'm probably always going to keep yelling at the official, if it is Tim that is.  He's my favorite official to heckle.  Especially if it gets him to shake his head or smile at me.  I mean, he threatens to kick me out from time to time, but where would he sleep when he got home?  Don't worry, I'm never afraid to tell him right back, "you and what army?"  I mean, that comeback NEVER gets old....



PS -

I love sitting in the stands and watching Tim ref.  I have some great stories from being a casual observer.  One of my most recent favorites was over Christmas break.  I was watching Tim ref a Lourdes vs ugh, I forget.  It's not important.  A couple of nice older gentlemen sat down next to me to watch the game, and as usually happens, we got to talking.  As the game went on they commented on the officials often stating things like, "Foul", "I would have called that a foul", "He traveled!", "Wow, how did they miss that one?" etc.....  With only a few minutes left in the game, one of the gentlemen turned to ask me if I the person I was cheering for was on one team or the other.  I really enjoyed getting to see the look on his face when I said, "Neither.  You see that tall, bald ref?  He's my husband."  There was a moment of silence, followed by "Oh.  Well, we weren't talking about HIS calls."  Ha ha ha ha - right.... right....

Back to running...

I think everyone goes through a slump.  It seems like I have gone through several of them over my lifetime.  It is hard to stay focused and dedicated all of the time.  Many years ago I was in a really bad way and making really bad decision health wise.  It took a weight loss challenge and a prize of $100 to inspire me to get out of that rut.  Since then I have been mostly dedicated to living a healthier lifestyle; including diet and exercise.  But there have been times when that dedication has waned.  The last few months have definitely been one of those times.

Since we moved to the farm I really struggled to get up and get to the gym.  For some reason those few miles into town just seemed like too far and I could make all kinds of excuses for not getting there.  I told myself that once school started I would get back into a routine of getting up to run and eating healthier.  Yeah, that didn't happen.  One month rolled into two and then the holidays were upon us.  So I made a promise to get back to work after the holidays and focus on getting back on track.  Don't worry, I made the most of my last few weeks of 2018 and enjoyed all the holiday treats I was offered.  Needless to say, I went into 2019 a few pounds heavier, a lot more tired and struggling to keep my "after holidays" promise.

I tried to be a little better.  I made better food choices.  I added more fruits and vegetables and tried to remove more sugar.  Not all sugar because boy - I struggle with giving up sugar, but LESS sugar.  getting mountains of candy for Christmas sure isn't helping.  But the way I'm portioning it out these days, it should last until next Christmas.  There was one component I was still really struggling with, the early morning workout.

Slowly I got back on the treadmill, at nights when I could steal a few minutes here or there I would go for a long walk.  I still wasn't running, but the walks alone I convinced myself were helping.  I was trying to find more time to ride and work on showmanship, but I was really having a hard time getting in the treadmill time I needed.  I knew what that meant.  4:00 am alarm bells and waking up before chore time.  Ugh.  If you have never been one to get up that early, let me tell you - it's a struggle. I've done it in the past, a lot in the past, and it is really hard to get used to once you get out of the habit.  I cannot tell you how many times I set my alarm and when it would go off I would make a million excuses why I could "run later" or "can't run today" and would reset the clock for 5:15.

Finally yesterday, I did it.  My alarm went off.  I knew I would not be able to "run later" and I really had zero excuses for not getting up as nothing hurt and I couldn't even say I went to bed late.  So I dragged myself out of bed and laced up the running shoes.  It was a tough slog at first, but by mile 2 something started clicking and when I got off the treadmill and hit the shower, I knew it was worth it.  The part that always seems to slip my mind when I get out of practice is how great a run really makes you feel.  It's all science and stuff about endorphins, metabolism, yada yada yada.  All I know is I felt great.  I had energy.  I was smiley and feeling an overall feeling of "life is good".  Heading to work, feeling like that, is the greatest way to start your day.  Yesterday was the kick in the pants I needed to get back to business as usual and make my health and fitness a priority again. (Well, that and stepping on the scale for the first time in months yesterday and having it confirm what my jeans had been telling me.)  It was easier getting up today and I'm hoping it continues to be a habit.  At least until the next slump.

Hey - no one ever said I wasn't a realist....

It changed my life...

Do you ever have a product come into your life that is a "life changer"?  Something that after you discover it you wonder how you lived without it and would like to hug the inventor?  If so, I would love if you would share in the comments of this blog. I think we could all use a few revolutionary inventions or gadgets in our lives to make them easier.  As a family, we will sometimes joke about inventions that we are super thankful for.  Obviously items like the refrigerator, microwave, car, etc... were game changers when they were invented.  What has been invented in your lifetime that you can't live without today.

I'm super thankful for the cell phone.  I know that they have become way too all consuming and that we spend too much time on them.  But in reality, I am glad that I never have to go back to the days of printing off mapquest directions and having someone read them to me as I tried to drive through rush hour in The Cities.  Or wondering where in the heck my ride was or my kid was or when I was supposed to be somewhere.  Anyone who knows me knows that I would never remember anything or be on time anywhere if it weren't for the calendar and reminder apps.  And don't even get me started on the calculator.  There is a small mean part of me that wants to call up every math teacher I ever had who said, "What are you going to do someday when you don't have a calculator with you?  You're not going to have one with you everywhere you go!"  Oh yes I am!  But today isn't about the cell phone.

It's a little known, overlooked and under appreciated gadget called....

the headlamp. 

I'll be honest.  When Tim first offered me his and was wearing it to help with chores one time, I actually thought to myself "no way in heck am I wearing that thing.   It looks ridiculous and the horse's hate when it shines in their eyes."  I mean, in their defense, imagine what it must look like to them.  It has to seem like those crazy humans have sprouted a bright blinding EYE in the middle of their forehead.  So I held off using it for as long as possible. 

I do chores early in the morning.  When it is still pitch dark out.  I turn on the yard light which helps with a lot of things.  One of the chicken coops has a light in it which makes it super easy to feed and water those chickens.  Well, both have a light in them but one of the coops has a WORKING light fixture.  But the yard light doesn't reach the horse pasture or the second chicken coop.  Enter the cell phone flash light.  It works great and I have kind of become a ninja at balancing it under my chin or even holding it in my teeth while I pour water in or undo fences, etc...  And then I dropped my phone one day and it missed going in the stock tank by inches.  So I thought to myself.... "Self.  What's more important?  Your cell phone (see above) or your pride?"  And then I thought to myself that literally NO ONE is up when I am doing chores so who is going to see me anyways? 

The next day I used the headlamp and I am never doing chores without it again.  Sure the horses still look at me like I'm the creature from the Black Lagoon.  But I'm throwing them food so they quickly have gotten over their fear.  Food is the world's greatest motivator to horses.  Hands free flashlight? Heck yeah.  I can literally do every single chore and walk anywhere without having to turn on any light switches in buildings or worry about dropping the phone, my buckets, the hay, etc...  No more tripping over snow piles or slipping on the ice.  I can see where I am going.  This little gadget has changed chore time for me forever.  I don't care if I feel like a coal miner, I don't care if I look like an idiot.  I am wearing this sucker every single time from here on out.  Maybe in the spring I'll even spring for one of those super sexy light up baseball caps. 

So what gadget has revolutionized your life?  I bet you weren't expecting the headlamp to be such a big deal.  But then, as always, it is the little things. 

Is it a big deal?

I read a blog once that was written by a woman who had lost her husband.  In the blog she talked about how we make a big deal out of things that aren't important.  In her blog she talked about how her husband never seemed to be able to find the laundry basket and left his clothes laying all over the floor.  (It really seems to be a trait with most anyone with a Y chromosome.  I think it is one of those genetic traits connected to alleles or some other sciency words.)  She always had to pick them up and would get frustrated.  It would result in some kind of argument and then she lost her husband to a terminal illness.  In the blog she said she would get anything to come home and find those clothes on the floor as it would mean she has her husband back. 

At the time that I read that blog, I was just coming out of a relationship with a man who literally did nothing to help me around the house or the farm.  While he had a large expensive brush trimmer/weed eater that he could use, I was left to use an antique two handled scythe to keep weeds off of the electric fence because he could just never get to that job.  I folded every load of laundry.  Fed every animal.  Vacuumed every carpet.  You get the picture.  I had then entered into a relationship with someone who shortly after we moved in together became "debilitated" (the legitimacy of that claim is still up for grabs) and basically free loaded on my couch for two years.  Needless to say that I read that blog with tinted glasses, and not the rose colored kind.  I may have written even a blog about it way back then. I know that my gut reaction was that if your man or woman truly loved you, they wouldn't go around being careless and creating more work for you.

Enter Tim.  Tim had a very different style of housekeeping than I did.  A confirmed bachelor for many years, his style was more, "leave it where you're done with it and look for it later" where I am a built in/well trained "a place for everything and everything in its place" kind of person.  Tim tried very hard to bring his standards of cleanliness up within shooting distance of mine.  I applaud his (and his kids') efforts to do a complete 180 turnaround on how they lived in their home.  What a job it was to go from dropping your bags and coats by the door, kicking off your shoes wherever, leaving dirty laundry everywhere, dishes on the counter, clean laundry piled on couches, toys just thrown in a toy room, to spotless living.  There was definitely a learning curve for everyone.  My kids and I had to learn to tolerate a little mess and they had to learn that closets are for coats and shoes, laundry gets folded and put away and dishes get washed after we eat.  And we all did it and survived to be where we are today.  However, there was something that I have learned in the last couple of years.

Tim is never going to worry about where he hangs his coat, kicks off his shoes or how much laundry is laying on the floor.  He just isn't.  And that's okay.  It's okay that he hangs his coat on the railing instead of the coat rack by the door.  It's okay that sometimes I have to pick up a couple days worth of laundry off the floor or his dresser.  It's okay that I am forever putting his shoes back on the shoe rack.  I love how some days when he sees that I am watching him throw clothes on the floor "for later" that he grins his silly grin and says, "just love me".  It's easy for me to respond, "I do" because it really isn't a big deal.  It isn't a big deal for me to move his coat (or leave it where it is - but let's be honest.  I'm Monica from Friends, I need to move it.)  It takes me seconds to grab his shoes and throw them on the rack once a week.  I don't mind hanging up his clothes again or better yet, washing them so I know they are up to my standards of clean.  I don't mind because I know there are a million little things that he does for me.

Like how he literally sneaks out in the morning at 4:00 am when he goes to milk so that I can sleep a little longer.  Or how he washes my car and makes sure he fills it up with gas so I don't have to.  How he empties the dishwasher or folds the clothes before I can even notice the dryer and dishwasher are done.  How he helps with chores for horses he never rides or makes time to help me roll a new round bale in for the ponies.  There are the times that I get in my car and find a little treat waiting for me.  Or come home to a card with some beautiful message "just because".  There are a million different ways that Tim shows me that he loves me and makes me feel like one of the most important people in his world.  It is totally reasonable and fair that I can do some little things for him (especially since they revolve around my need to have everything in its place).

I don't take for granted the clothes on the floor/coat on the railing.  Those visual reminders remind me that I have a loving husband who works incredibly hard, some days from 4:00 am to 9:00 pm.  They remind me that he would do anything for our kids or for me.  They remind me that I have someone in my life who loves me enough to be in a hurry to get in the door or changed out of work clothes so that he can spend time with me.  I don't mind.  So even though when he saw me take a picture of his coat on the railing for the blog today, and even though he knew I was going to write a blog about him and his coat, I hope he isn't embarrassed when I say that the focus of this blog isn't how it drives me crazy.  It's one of the little things that I'm growing to love about him and will never take for granted.  As long as that coat is hanging on the railing, there is an amazing, loving, generous man whose arms will fill it again soon.

Thanks to you, parents

I've been working in the service industry since I was 14 years old. Some things have stayed the same, but there is one very big difference.  It is getting harder and harder to find good young student employees. We have employees that don't show up, fake call in sick (and then head out with their friends), won't ever pick up a shift for anyone else, feel they can't miss anything fun, sit around on their phones instead of doing their job, do their job half-assed, have no idea what it means to hustle and no idea how to take criticism and change their behavior.  But I don't blame the kids.  I blame one group of people.

Thank you, parents.  Thank you for the kind of employee you're raising.  Oh not all of you.  There are a few of you that are still setting expectations, enforcing consequences and refusing to bail out your kids.  I know that you're out there because I see you with my students.  You're the parents that tell students that they need to get their homework done before they go to that game or birthday party.  You're the ones that don't climb down my throat when Little Johnny gets a D for having late work, you climb down Johnny's and take away his phone, his video game and his free time.  But to those other parents, the ones that make excuses, lie, and bail out your kids I have a very sarcastic thank you.

To the parents that come in screaming and fists raised when the teacher "picks" on Little Johnny, let me tell you what I've seen you will create.  Employees that can't take constructive criticism.  Do you think their bosses are always going to give them pats on the back and congrats for a job well done?  Chances are Little Johnny will make some kind of a mistake and when his big bad boss corrects him and he can't take it, what will Little Johnny do?  Quit.  Little Johnny isn't used to not getting his way.  Instead of leaping in to the rescue with your cape firmly attached and your sword at ready, ask Little Johnny what he has done to help the situation.  Has he approached and discussed the situation with his teacher?  Has he considered his tone or language choice?  Is he even telling the story the way it actually happened?

To the parents that jump in and get involved when Little Johnny gets into an argument with a friend, let me tell you what that looks like.  Employees that cannot disagree respectfully with a coworker.  Employees that don't know how to have civil discussions and look at situations from a different perspective.  Employees that don't realize that you don't all have to be friends, but you do have to be respectful and polite.  Employees that quit because they "don't like somebody".  When Little Johnny comes home upset about an issue with a friend, help them realize that they need to talk to that other student about it.  They need to use words and explain how what is happening makes them feel.  They may need to enlist adult help to facilitate this discussion, but most of these incidences are not one sided.  We need to be helping our kids learn these skills before they are adults.  Running away or ignoring it does not solve relationship problems.

To the parents that lie or make excuses for why Little Johnny does not have his work done in class, let me share with you what happens if Little Johnny doesn't get his work done at a job.  He becomes unemployed.  *Cue Chris Farley's skit about living in a van down by the river.*  I get it, I'm hating the fact that Libby is moving out and moving on with her life.  But I also don't want my kids to HAVE to live with me forever because they are unemployable.  Instead of making excuses for them not getting their work done, hold them accountable.  Realize that they can miss that basketball game or school dance.  Realize that some time away from the video games or their cell phone will not kill them.  Help them realize that it is okay to make mistakes once in a while, as long as they learn from them and accept the consequences.

To the parents who let Little Johnny stay home from school when he's "sick" or let him skip to do fun things with friends, let me share what happens when Little Johnny repeatedly misses work for being "sick".  He gets to spend his "sick" days looking for a new job.  Now, I'm not saying to send your child to school with a fever or contagious illness.  I also get that it can be hard to tell.  Heck, I once sent Sophie to school because I thought she was being a baby and she had a temp of 103 and the beginnings of pneumonia.  Not my proudest momma moment.  But my kids also learned that you can still work with a bit of a headache, a cough, a sore throat, you name it.  They learned that sometimes you have to be a little tough and that constantly playing catch up isn't as fun as it sounds.  I heard something once that I used to love to tell my kids, eventually they figured out the sarcasm.  When they would complain to me I would tell them to "tape an aspirin to it". Funny how that isn't the solution right?  That's because some times there are days when you don't feel great but you just get through.

To the parents that do Little Johnny's work for him when it is difficult, let me share what happens when Little Johnny doesn't do his job when he gets older.  Little Johnny is replaced by someone who does have a strong work ethic, who does push through even when the task is difficult and who gets the job done.  Bosses don't want to hear about how the job is too hard or you didn't get it done because you had something else you would rather do.  Bosses like results and they love the employees who get them.  Teach your precious baby to be the one who over achieves, goes above and beyond and never turns it in late and you will teach that baby to be the one who rises to the top in their field instead of the one who is constantly looking for the next job after being let go.

Raising kids is hard work.  Being the parent that hears "I hate you" or "You're the meanest mom/dad ever!" or "Everyone else's parents let them!" isn't a whole lot of fun.  But it isn't my job to be their buddy and make sure I never make them angry, frustrated or sad.  It's my job to raise them to be decent human beings who can be an asset to society, not a burden.  That means making them a whole lot of angry sometimes and being the "mean" parent more often than not.  But you know how I sleep at night?