We all start somewhere...

At a show a couple of summers ago Libby was so embarrassed by me.  She was horrified because I went up to a younger teenage girl and adjusted her show halter for her.  She's like, "Mom!  You can't do that!"  I explained to her that I was super nice about it and offered to help her fit her halter better to her horse and she was grateful for the help.  And then I reminded her "we all started somewhere".  If no one had ever pointed out when I was doing dumb or inappropriate things, we would still be right where we started.  So I feel it is a pay it forward kind of a thing.

Remember Libby, we all start somewhere....

Yes.  Libby would be horrified if I showed you these pics.  She still looks back at these images and cringes.  Look at my hat!  Look at that pad!  Look at that ridiculous shirt!  But we all start somewhere.  If we could repeat that to ourselves at every competition we attend, think how many more contestants we could invite into our circle of friends.   Think of how much more fun shows would be. Think of how welcome we could help everyone feel.  There are a million moving parts to a horse show, it can't hurt to help each other through the process and it certainly can make things a thousand fold better.

From time to time I hear people making fun of someone's saddle, bridle or outfit that is "so last year".   Okay, maybe not last year - but out of date.  Remember, we all started somewhere.  Unless your family is independently wealthy and you jumped feet first into this hobby with the best horses,  the best outfits, the best tack and the best trainer, there is a pretty good chance you made a faux pas or two of your own from time to time.  Where would you be if you had heard people laughing at you or if you had been made to feel like you didn't belong? 

I know I will never make fun of anyone.  I mean really?  Look where I began...

Eek!  That poor mare was a saint for putting up with that piece of crap, cardboard saddle and the crappy rider that sits on top.  Check out that hat, pretty sure I bought the cheapest one I could find.   I had heavy cheap black chaps and a vest that I found somewhere and turned into a "show shirt".  But people were nice to me, helped me and shared ideas with me, showed me where I could find more appropriate tack and made me feel welcome. They gave me advice on everything from banding my horse's mane to horsemanship position to working on improving the way my horse moved. Because of them, we are still showing.  I never was made to feel embarrassed or less than important.  I was a sponge and absorbed every bit of info that I could.  Now as I consider myself to be slightly more knowledgeable (but by no means an expert)  I want to be that person for as many newcomers as I can too. 

Sitting around at shows or even hanging out in the warm up pen, I hear people judging, making fun of or questioning what others do all the time.  I think it's time that some of us remember where we came from.  Remember that most of us started somewhere that was far from perfect and probably pretty ugly.  Again, unless your family was independently wealthy and you were freakishly naturally talented, you have made plenty of your own mistakes and looked plenty silly along the way from time to time.  Instead of judging, give those folks a chance.  Remember where you came from.  Offer to help them out.  Tell them stories about what you learned along the way.  There are lots of ways to help out newcomers.  Welcome them in and you just may make a great friend who shares the same passion you do.  Horses!

I have psoriasis

I was maybe 9 or 10 years old, in fourth grade, that much I can't forget.  I got this weird crusty stuff on my scalp.  Thinking I had dandruff because, yeah - I hated washing my hair, we treated with some shampoo.  When it didn't go away, my mom thought it might be the "cradle cap" that I had as a baby.  So we tried using baby oil to soak it.  It would get rid of the flakes, but they would come right back.  Thick, crusty, scaly patches over my scalp that eventually started showing on other areas of my body.  So off to the dermatologist we went.

I remember the hope that I was filled with when I used to go to the dermatologist.   As a kid you think that going to the doctor will fix anything.  You're sick, you go to the doctor, they give you some magic pill or potion and *poof* you're cured!  The dermatologist called what I had psoriasis, which didn't mean squat to me at the time.  I just wanted the magic potion.  And they did give me a potion.  But it didn't do anything.  Neither did the next one.  Or the next one.

Over the years I tried lots of not-so-magic potions for my psoriasis or eczema or whatever they wanted to call it at the time.  There were lotions, creams, gels, ointments (bet you thought all those things were the same didn't you...), shampoos, you name it.  Lots of them smelled nasty.  That's because a lot of them were tar based and really really expensive.  I remember the one made from peanut oil that I had to put on my scalp overnight and then wear a shower cap to bed.  That was LOADS of fun and it didn't even work.  I've tried millions of home remedies and every combination of coconut oil, apple cider vinegar, baking soda, honey, and essential oils you can imagine.  Nothing like using my Kitchen Aid to whip up vaseline, baby lotion, vitamin E and a few other mystical ingredients.  I've tried consuming special foods and vitamins, supplements, etc...  Nothing works.  I had one dermatologist recommend shaving my head.  When he left, the room the nurse, in confidence, said, "I keep telling him to stop saying that to women but he doesn't listen."  In reality, shaving my head actually might have helped. 

There are a few things that do help.  Sunlight helps (so shaving my head wasn't the worst idea ever).  Areas of my body that get natural sunlight usually clear up in the summer.  But with living in this God forsaken winter landscape, there are whole months IN A ROW where my skin doesn't see the light of day through the layers and layers I need to stay warm.  In fact, if I had to say the only thing that has ever really worked to clear my skin, natural sunlight would be it.  And even that doesn't work sometimes.  I have a current medication that actually works.  IF you put it on twice a day.  IF you slather it on. And IF you don't throw up at the $100 a tiny tube price tag.  For $100 a tube I just live with the red scaly patches, unless they show up on my face.  I reserve the $100 a tube medication for spots on my face.

Exercise helps, in general.  Immediately after I run it usually looks way worse due to the redness and flushed skin.  But once that fades, the natural endorphins do their magic and it "helps".  So does anything that makes me deliriously happy, like when I met Tim.  Clear skin!  (At least temporarily) My psoriasis, and I suspect most, is stress induced.  Don't even say, "just reduce your stress".  I had a doctor tell me that once too.  Thanks for that super helpful advice.  I'll just get rid of stress.  Now, how do I go about that again....

Living with psoriasis means making tough choices.  For example, I don't wear shorts.  Much.  Around home I'll wear shorts.  But in public it is a stretch for me to even wear capris.  I remember one year when I took Libby to the POA Congress show in St. Louis.  It was a particularly bad break out year for my skin.  It was 107 degrees in the shade and I was wearing jeans.  A concerned friend told me to just wear shorts - no one would even care.  I tried it and had shorts on for maybe one hour before someone commented on my legs, "OMG - what happened to your legs?  Are those bites or some kind of rash?"  Yeah, I went back to wearing jeans and haven't looked back.

Living with scalp psoriasis also means that there were years where I couldn't wear a pony tail.  Sometimes scalp psoriasis doesn't just stay where it is supposed to and creeps out where the world can see it.  You get really used to not wearing dark colors, making it snow everywhere you go and people telling you what kind of Head and Shoulders you should be buying.  I remember watching that scene from Breakfast Club where the girl shakes her flaky hair out on the desk and thinking to myself that she had nothing on me. I also remember the merciless teasing and my classmates acting like I had a choice in the matter.  It was the most frustrating thing in the world to be harassed for something I had literally no control over and had been trying to fight for years.

Dating with psoriasis was also super fun.  (That's sarcasm.)  Of all the things that were harder about dating at 40, being frank about the fact that my skin sucked was easier.  I guess I figured of all the things that were probably a challenge about dating me, crappy skin was the least of my issues.   I had an ex who called me a dalmatian.  Who doesn't think being called a spotted dog is a compliment?  *raises hand*  Another complained about the cost of the medications.  I quickly learned to just live without.

I guess maybe education is the key.  There was a time when I was teaching 8th grade health class and we came to the section on skin disorders.  I was teaching about psoriasis and there were comments all over the classroom, "gross" "that's disgusting" "I'm so glad I don't have that."  To that last comment I said, "well, I do."  It got quiet enough to hear a pin drop.  They all looked at me.  I said, "Yes.  You heard that right.  I have psoriasis and had it for years.  You're right, it is kind of gross and not a lot of fun.  But there isn't anything I can do about it.  There just aren't effective treatments for every kind of psoriasis."  That class will probably never forget that lesson, mostly because some of them were horribly embarrassed. But we all need to realize, not just that one section of 20 some 8th graders, that passing judgment on someone for a disease they have no control over isn't fair, but it also isn't kind. 

There have been maybe 3 times in my life when my psoriasis has completely or nearly completely disappeared.  It was a glorious time that I enjoyed and look forward to happening again.  Possibly someday.  There was no rhyme or reason to it getting better.  I wasn't using any special medication or treatment.  I was just happy.  The rest of my life, minus those first 10 years, I have had psoriasis on my scalp, arms, legs, in and outside of my ears, eyelids, face, torso, virtually every square inch of my body has had the scaly patches at some point. Currently my entire torso is covered, I have it on my scalp, in my ears and a few patches on my arms and legs.  It itches, it's unsightly and I'm glad it is jeans and sweatshirt season. 

And lastly, what can you do if someone you know has psoriasis?  A few things -
1.  Remind them they are beautiful and who gives a crap what their skin looks like.
2.  Tell judgmental people who feel the need to comment on it that they should shut their trap.
3.  Do not offer them unsolicited advice on treatments, but do respectfully share if you hear of a new treatment.  Just be kind as we have probably heard of it, tried it and been disappointed.
4.  Do not gift with scented lotions as we probably have already regifted a thousand bottles already.  Most of the scented lotions do nothing for our skin and do more damage than good. 
5.  And please - if I hear the word "essential oils" one more time, I will remove you from my friends list. 

Living with regret

It's something that has been on my mind lately.  A lot.  I look at my loved ones; my friends, my family and even those I don't know extremely well but consider my horse show friends, teacher friends, Village Square family or Facebook friends.  I look at them and hope that daily they know how special they are to me.  How I need and want them in my life and how I hope they know they are loved.  I look at them and know that I never want to feel one minute of living with regret.  Regret for not telling them they were my friends or that they were important to me.  Regret that we left each other feeling angry or saying hurtful words.  Regret that can never be taken back.

When someone is in an accident, takes their life or even passes away from an extended illness, there are always those of us left behind with regrets.  How many times have you heard, "I wish I had told them" or "They never knew..."  You're right?  And why didn't they?  After personally losing loved ones and feeling how horrible living with regret makes you feel, I learned that you say what you mean, mean what you say and nothing is worth your loved ones feeling unloved.  Why do so many of us have to learn that lesson the hard way?  It seems like no matter how many times those of us who have been through it tell people they don't want to live with regret, the message still doesn't sink in.

Let me put it this way, I have a list, thankfully a short one, of people I don't want at my celebration of life.  (And for the record, it better be a big old celebration with a DJ, drinks and lots of laughter and stories.  No sitting around weeping over me.  And if there is an open casket, I'm coming back to haunt someone.  Open casket bad, open bar good.  Got it?)  I don't want people at my celebration who didn't make time for me while I was here.  I don't want people standing around, hugging each other and saying how I was so important to them and that they miss me that couldn't make time to answer a text or stop by to say hi while I was alive.  If you didn't miss me enough to spend time with me while I was here, you don't get to go digging for sympathy after.  You know what you get?  Regret. 

Living with regret is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.  So take a minute and send a couple of texts or emails to those you haven't chatted with in a while.  If the last words you spoke to someone were in anger, reach out to them and let them know that while you disagree, you still care about them.  Stop by and visit a friend or family member.  Tell you family you love them.  Let go of grudges, remember how short life can be, forgive and let love in.  It isn't easy, but it is - Worth It. 

But I read it on the internet....

So I'm gonna post the following on Facebook today when I share this blog.  It will be an "excerpt" from my blog.  I'm going to conduct a social experiment.  I want to see how many people comment on the following without reading the blog.  I want to see how many people believe what they read on the internet without finding out more information.  I want to see how many people will jump on the bandwagon without thinking about how much they know that person and using their gut instincts.  How quickly are we to judge without research?  That is the question.  So here's what I'm going to post:

"My husband is unbelievable.  I cannot believe how lazy he has gotten.  I work two jobs, try to keep the farm running and come home to a giant mess every single night that I have to clean up.  This is not what I signed up for and not who I thought he was."

Did I get some of you?  Or were some of you shocked by my post considering my past history of saying how much I love my husband and can't believe how lucky I am?  I would hope that you would fall into the second category.  I would hope that when we read posts like this on social media, that there is always a part of us that questions the validity.  Posts like the one above are usually shared in anger or frustration and are seldom based on accurate information.  They are pure emotion and for the record, it will be a cold day in H - E - double hockey sticks before I vent about my husband on Facebook.  If I don't vent about our ex's on Facebook, and boy do they give me ammunition, I sure as heck am not going to vent about the one person who is beyond reproach in my mind.

But people do.  Heck our ex's do.  Yep - we know all about it.  I'm sure this blog has caught the attention of at least one of them  *insert waving emoji*.  So I'm here to tell you that yep, we heard and know what you said.  Some of your "friends" feel the need to share with us about how negative you are about us.  Some of your "friends" are horrified by how you slander the name of good people.  Some of your "friends" know the real story and don't believe the stuff you post for even one second.  But I'm sure you don't care because that isn't who you're trying to get the attention of.  You're reaching out to those who don't know us, the people in your "friends" list who believe you, the people who don't use the power of discernment to be able to sort fact from fiction.  But here's what I have to say about the whole situation.

People ask us if it bothers us not to be able to defend ourselves.  Nope.  Well, sometimes maybe a little.  I mean, sometimes a person lets everything get to them a little.  Like on a day when I find out that a friend of mine's baby girl was just diagnosed with leukemia, then yeah, it bothers me that an ex is ranting lies about us on Facebook.  Because, really?  That's what the biggest thing in your life is right now?  To me it is a a like sociopathic behavior.  You spewing hatred on Facebook diminishes from the people who are really and truly struggling right now.  Your "look at me/feel sorry for me" post when there are people with real problems out there like a scary diagnosis, a death, or worse, seems like a slap in the face.  So yeah, then it gets to me.  But most of the time I just shrug and laugh.  Because I know.  I know who I am, who my husband is and I know that the people who know me, know too.  Heck there are some people who don't even know me but have reached out to me to say that they don't believe all the hatred nonsense.  I know that there are good people who are able to think for themselves and don't believe everything they read on the internet.

People ask me what to do about cyberbullying.  Because, yeah, that's what it is.  Now, if it is your child, I would 100% advocate for getting the law, the school and whomever you can involved.  Start a line of communication with both sides and get to the bottom of it.  Kids need to learn it is not okay to sit behind a screen and lie, spread rumors, belittle, or berate someone.  It can and has led to death.  DEATHS people.  If kids can't handle themselves behind a screen, they shouldn't get to have them.  Period.   But with adults, here's how you handle it.  You just keep on living your life.   You're not going to change that adult.  You can make a big deal over it and get the law involved and for what?  Giving the sociopath the attention they so crave and the chance to argue is not the answer.  By all means, if they are damaging your career or your ability to live your life, take the actions you need to.  Get a lawyer, get the law involved, file a harassment suit, whatever you need to do to protect yourself.   But if it isn't, then let them be them.  People figure it out soon enough and if they don't, does it truly matter?  It's a big picture kind of thing.  Do you truly care what some random person in Facebook land thinks about you?  I don't.  I care what my friends and family and coworkers and clergy and customers and students and their parents think of me.  Those are the people I interact with every single day and those are the people that matter.

People ask me if they should say something, stick up to the bully, defend those being slandered.  Sure you should, IF YOU WANT TO.  However, please don't respond for our sake.  Ask the target (I hate the word victim - I'm only a victim if I let you be.  I am not a victim) if they want you to say something.  Let them know you have their back.  If they need your support, you should always stand up to bullies.  If they need you to be their voice in the corner, when they are backed against the ropes, then yes - the right thing to do is stand up to bullies.   I have taught middle school age kids for 20 years now.  I get why bystanders, stand by.  I understand how it is scary to stand up to a bully.  You don't want them to turn on you and that doesn't change whether you are 10 or 70.  You don't want to become the new target and you don't know if you're the only one who will dare to stand up.  It's an incredibly personal decision when dealing with bullies.  Do you put yourself on the line or do you quietly just turn the other cheek and lend support behind the scenes when you can.  For years I was the kind to sit back and support the target.  I would vent to others about how mean someone was being but do nothing about it.  It wasn't until recently that I decided to put my money where my mouth is and start standing up.  I tell my students all the time to stand up to bullies.  If I expect a 10 year old to do it, why don't I expect the same behavior out of myself?  That said, I completely understand those who don't.

How do you personally deal with it?  Here's the cold hard truth. Most of the people that engage in this type of bullying behavior as an adult have a mental health issue.  I believe I said it earlier when I stated the term "sociopath".  I've done extensive research on sociopaths and dealing with them in order to survive.  Sociopaths cannot experience empathy, they have difficulty telling right from wrong, they are arrogant, witty, superficially charming and lie.  They manipulate others and events.  They use just enough kernels of the truth to make their lies believable.  They are really good at lying.  The old "lie like a rug" idiom applies here or maybe "practice makes perfect".   In addition to being a sociopath, many of these people struggle with depression or self worth issues.  I can't be angry at someone with a mental health issue.  I can detest their behavior.  But really, I just feel sorry for them.  I don't wish what they feel on anyone.  Imagine not knowing what it is like to be proud of yourself?  Imagine how hard it would be to hide behind anger, sarcasm, lies and manipulation in order to feel good about yourself?  Every day I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I am trying to be a better and kinder person.  That is how you deal with it.  You be the best person YOU can be and pray for the other person to have peace in their heart so that someday they can move past hatred and hurting others.

Lastly, everyone needs to just take a deep breath and step back from their computers before posting sometimes.  I'm so glad that my daughter is learning, or has learned, in school, that your social media is a reflection of who you are.  Employers, customers, project leaders, you name it - people are going to stalk your social media accounts to see if you are a person they want to interact with.  Thankfully, it is a lesson she already knew as we have been preaching it for a long time.

Here's some basic social media tips on what to post and what not to post:
1.  Keep it positive - your social media isn't a place to air your dirty laundry.  Share that with your friends over a cup of coffee.
2.  Never vent about a job, employer, coworker, family member or friend.  See above.
3.  Keep the explicit content to yourself (and the dirty jokes)
4.  No name calling needed  - if you do HAVE to post something negative, keep it civil and professional.
5.  Keep it truthful - nothing lowers the validity of your argument than wild exaggerations or outright lies.
6.  Don't forward ANYTHING without checking it first.  Learn about snopes.com.
7.  Keep the selfies to a minimum - nothing says narcissist like a few dozen selfies a week.
8.  Do not post private conversations unless you are given permission
9.  Do not post about bodily functions.  Those conversations are best left to professionals and those jokes couldn't get any less tactful.
10.  Be careful of the personal information you share.  Addresses, vacation dates, etc...

Lastly  - not everyone on your "friends" list is truly your friend.  What I've cautioned my kids since they got electronic devices and I will keep preaching until the day I die, never say anything on social media/text/email, that you wouldn't say to someone's face.  It WILL get back to them and it leaves a paper trail.  Some conversations are better left for in person and some are better left unsaid.  Period.

Here is an excellent resource for further information on narcissists, sociopaths and cyberbullying:  Click here

#MeToo #IBelieveHer

I'm almost certain I've blogged about this before and honestly folks, I did try to find it.  I even searched my blog with key words thinking it would pull up the old blog.  But nothing showed up and even if it had, I guess some things are worth repeating.  This cause, this mindset, this conversation - it's worth repeating.  Over.  And over.  And over.  Until people start to get it.

The whole #metoo movement has been around for a little while now.  Maybe movement isn't the right word, maybe conversation or awareness is more correct?  #metoo started as a way for women who had been victims of sexual harassment or assault to let the world know that they stood together.  But more than that, that we recognize what women go through and that we believe each other.  Belief.  That's the most important word right there.  It's the core of the entire problem being thrashed around by everyone on social media, in living rooms, in the media, every corner or our country.  Whom do you believe?  Unfortunately it is yet another issue that divides our country.  Believing in this person or that person.  And really, whether you believe Dr Ford or believe Judge Kavanaugh isn't the problem for me.  Obviously from the title of this blog you can see that I believe her.  But to  me that isn't the deepest issue.  The deepest issue for me is the conversations that are being had, the excuses being given and the victim blaming that is rampant.  Let me explain why.

I watched a video the other day that really shook me up.  I watched it and I listened.  I shared the video and I'm sure that not very many of my friends really listened to what he had to say.  But in that video he talked about the sheer numbers of women that have been sexually assaulted; the number he gave was 1 in 10.  I went and did a little research and found everything from 1 in 5 to 1 in 7 so the number 1 in 10 seems not just alarming, but actually fairly conservative to me.  When the #metoo movement started and with the recent events, I have been horrified to hear how many of my women friends can raise their hand and say, "me too."  In my circle of friends, the statistic definitely hovers more around in the 1 in 5 mark.  But it also made me feel a little better to know, I am not alone.

Yes.  I can say #metoo as many of my friends reading this blog can.  I also NEVER told anyone when it happened.  For the same reason as so many others.  I figured no one would believe me.  The man who assaulted me was two years older than me and a popular senior athlete at our small school.  I was a nobody, nerdy sophomore kid who wasn't popular and didn't have a big circle of friends.  A bunch of us were at a graduation celebration for a mutual friend and he offered me a ride home when my friend wanted to stay.  I was so excited and honored to have this older, popular guy offer me a ride home.  But we didn't drive home.  We drove towards home and then he took a "wrong" turn down a minimum maintenance road.  I asked him what we were doing and he pulled over and started kissing me.  Let me just tell you, I had thought I was pretty tough up to this point in my life.  I was a farm kid, threw bales and carried buckets.  I wasn't a wimp.  I also was strong willed, spoke my mind, thought I couldn't be pushed around.  I learned pretty quickly I could be pushed around and was not nearly as strong as I thought.  I cannot describe to you the thoughts that raced through my mind and the million ways to get out of the situation that I tried to think of and quickly discarded.  It wasn't until his hands were unfastening my pants, despite me pushing on his chest as I tried to get away, that all reasoning left my brain and I blurted out, "my dad is going to kill you."  I'm not sure if my dad had some kind of reputation or if he realized that I wasn't going to keep this to myself or what, but that was all it took.  He sat back, drove me home and neither of us ever spoke again.

Some of you are already doing it without even realizing it.  Right now you're starting to blame me for making a poor choice.  And you're right.  Looking back I would have smacked myself and said, "don't get in the car with that guy, what do you think his plans are for you?"  I still think to myself about what a dumb move it was on my part.  I knew better.  But I am placing the blame on the wrong person.  I should have been able to get in that car, with a man, and drive home without fear of being raped.  Would any of you saying I shouldn't have gotten in the car with a boy 2 years older than me say the same thing about a girl driving me home?  Of course not.  And some of you are probably wondering what I was wearing.  Knowing me at 16, I would guess jeans and a baggy, inside out sweatshirt.  Was I drinking?  Nope. Was I flirting?  I doubt it - or if I was it was probably a pretty pathetic attempt at flirting.  I was socially awkward.  What other reasons do you have for why I deserved to be assaulted?  I know why I was assaulted.  Because I was an easy target.  He thought he could get away with it.  He thought I wouldn't tell anyone (and he was right).  He probably thought I would consider myself lucky to be "chosen".   It's quite simple, he didn't think I had a choice.

Let me see if I can explain it yet another way.  What did you tell your oldest son when he went away to college?  Get good grades.  Don't drink and drive.  Get a job.

You know what I told my daughter?  Don't walk alone at night, or even during the day in bad neighborhoods.  Carry your keys between your knuckles like a weapon.  Do not look at your phone while walking, keep an eye on your surroundings.  Be wary of anyone going the same direction as you, following you or watching you.  Ask someone to walk you to your car.  Don't go to parties.  IF you do go to parties, don't drink.  If you do drink, make sure you stay with a group and never set your drink down or take a drink offered to you by a guy.  Do not accept drinks from strangers.  Carry pepper spray or a whistle.  Don't go somewhere alone with a classmate unless it is a public location.  When you get to your car, immediately get in and lock the car.  Do not waste time, drive away.  Always park under a streetlight.  Always tell a friend where you are going and who you are going with.

Probably the saddest thing I did was that I shared with her memes about "how not to get attacked or raped".   I should not have to share ways to avoid rape with my daughter.  Why aren't we teaching men how not to rape?

It has become a popular mantra to spread fear saying that "it's a scary time for men in our country".  It has literally been a scary time for women in our country forever.  Forever.  Wrap your brain around that.  Women are afraid and the saddest part is that we've become so conditioned to living in fear and protecting ourselves, it doesn't even register on our radar any more.  It's just "how it is" or how we have been conditioned to protect ourselves.  I'm sure at least one of you women is reading this and realizing for the first time that what I'm saying is true.  You never thought of yourself as being a scared person.  Because it is a part of what you have lived with for as long as you can remember.  Welcome to being a woman, it's all part of the game, right?

I saw the best response to the "scary time for men in our country" by a young man the other day.  He responded by saying, "you don't have to be afraid for me.  I was raised to treat women with respect.  I'm not worried."  It's pretty simple.  Live a life free from reproach or rebuke and you don't have anything to worry about.  Don't get drunk and use that as an excuse for your actions.  Women don't get to.  If a woman is assaulted while drunk it is her fault.  If a man assaults a woman while drunk it isn't his fault?  What kind of message are we sending here folks?

I know I won't convince all of you.  I know that all of you won't understand, but I'm going to keep talking about this topic and having these conversations until more do "get it".  I'm not scared for my dad, my husband or my son.  They've lived lives where they don't have to be afraid.  They have treated women with respect and kindness.  But I am afraid for my daughters.  And until the day comes when I'm not, and I fear I won't live that long, I'm going to keep posting about it.

#metoo

Show Update: Final MEC show

If anyone wants the long story versus the quick shoutout on my Facebook status - here you go!  Here's our final show update for the year as this past weekend we wrapped up our show season and the MEC series that we were a part of this year.  This year was a little different for us as we had so much going on with moving that we decided to scale back the number of horse shows we attended and just made it to the 4 MEC show series weekends, a couple play days, the Appaloosa show and one other open show.  It was great to try some new things this year and who knows what 2019 has in store for our crew.

The show update for this show starts with the previous show held in August.  As you may recall from former blogs, I'm a little clueless when it comes to points.  I attend horse shows for the camaraderie with friends and to see what the judges think of my horse.  I am not in it for the year end prizes or even the weekend prizes.  Most of the time I'm pretty unaware of what those prizes might be and virtually all of the time I have no idea if I'm even in the running.  Such was the case for the series  overall awards in the MEC circuit.  I had figured out that there were grand and reserve awards for the various divisions each weekend at the first show back in March.  (But I was always surprised that China and I were in the running.)  However, I had no idea there was an overall award for the top ten pleasure (or judged) or if I did - I certainly didn't think I was in the running.  Enter my super helpful friends who informed me at the last show that not only was I in the running, I was two points away from high point.  High point winners would take home a saddle.  I had never in all my life dreamed of winning a belt buckle and China had already won me two this season.  And now we were in the running for saddle?  It all seemed unbelievable and a little crazy to me. But it was definitely on my mind as I prepared for the weekend.

As much as I wish I could say I was able to put it out of my mind and just focus on having fun, it was most definitely on my mind.  I can't say that anyone put any pressure on me either.  It was all in my own head.  But I did feel like my family and friends felt I could do it and I did not want to let them down.  I'm not sure how many of you are followers of my Facebook and read the story of my little "accident", but about halfway through the month I did a dumb and managed to end up with a very sore lower back and tailbone area.  There is some talk that I may or may not have managed to break my tailbone or possibly pelvis in that accident.  There were days when the only way I made it through was with the ibuprophen on board from sun up to sun down.  But I didn't let that stop me from riding and actually, working on showmanship was even harder.  For some reason that was the worst.  Running period, but especially running in the sand.  No one told me to and in fact, a very special someone kind of told me I shouldn't (sorry Tim), but I wasn't going to let it stop me from practicing.  (Most days anyway)

When the show weekend rolled around the nerves were at an all time high.  I had two goals for the weekend.  I had worked my butt off (literally) on showmanship for weeks.  After the last show I was determined to put my fear and hatred of the class to rest once and for all.  I knew the only way to do that was with hard work.  I had a friend come and show me what I was doing wrong with training China (which was actually a lot) and China and I practiced. And practiced.  And practiced.  We even attended a couple of fun shows/play days just to practice showmanship.  So one of my goals was to have a clean showmanship pattern.  Saturday was a huge success for us.  We placed 3rd out of 10 and had a clean, albeit not fast, pattern.  I was so proud of her!  The other thing I worked my tail (literally) off on was FINDING MY DIAGONAL.  I will conquer diagonals.  I do not need to keep looking for diagonals.  I can find them at home, but get to the show and I completely lose my mind.  So I practiced and practiced and nailed it every single time.  Guess what?  I got to the show and looked on Saturday.  But still squeaked out a second place.  My English horse was also popular as a western pony this weekend.  On Saturday she never stopped amazing me and we also placed well in bareback.  We even managed to place in egg and spoon which I always struggle with.  At the end of the day on Saturday I felt pretty good going into Sunday but the nerves returned with a bang after showmanship on Sunday.

Our pattern went well again on Sunday.  I was very proud of all of the components that we did.  I confidently came back to the stall and Libby kindly asked me if I knew that I forgot to trot.  To say I didn't handle that news well is an understatement. There were tears and poor Tim trying to dry them off and give me the pep talk.  He pulled out all the coaching techniques and I still wasn't very nice.  Sorry honey.  I am so sick of not being able to do showmanship!  Why do I have such a mental block for the stupid class?  It's one class!  Yes, it's a pattern, but I'm not even ON the horse?  What's the worst that can happen? So yes, China and I have more work to do this winter.  I am going to post a pattern book in the arena and we are going to do patterns until I remember them all.

So after the pity party was over, I went back in for English.  China again did everything correctly.  The judge didn't love us in pleasure, but you can't win them all over.  But the pattern was my time to shine.  I was GOING to get the diagonal.  Guess what?  I did it!  But I looked down to be sure and convinced myself I didn't, so I fixed it.  But that made me wrong and I couldn't figure out how I could be wrong again and by then it was time to change it so I changed it again and yeah, where there were supposed to be two diagonals I think I had four.  You want to know what pep talk I had with myself as I rounded the cone at a walk and had to do diagonals again on the way back?  It went something like, "Get your shit together, you're embarrassing yourself."  I'm proud to say the way home went much better.  But I still walked out of that class fighting back the tears.  Again.  Poor Tim knew better than to stop by the stall this time and gave me a few minutes of crying on China.  I just felt like I was letting everyone down, including China.  She was giving her all and doing everything I asked of her and I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain.  With Tim's help I decided enough was enough and I couldn't keep worrying about points.  I can't tell you how many times over the last month I thought to myself that I was better off not knowing about the possibility of a saddle.  I had to just forget about it.  Not just in theory, but actually forget about the possibility and just take each class as it came and have fun. It helped thinking that I had thrown any chances away with my dismal morning performances.

So I had already burst into tears a couple times when western rolled around.  While all this drama going on with my horse and riding capabilities, both of the girls were doing spectacular.  On Saturday, Joker and Libby never placed below 4th all day and took home 3 firsts.  She and Peach had a super consistent day in the top 5 and of course were egg and spoon champions, out of 31 horses I might add.  But Sunday was Libby's day.  With Joker she continued her clean sweep of the English classes and showmanship winning those three for the second day in a row.  She continued to do well in western, playing in the top 3 for the rest of the day.  With Peach, they placed well overall and took home firsts in all the pattern classes and crushed the competition in egg and spoon once again.  Sophie was getting a little frustrated with her sister as she felt she had worked so hard and was placing, but had yet to bring one of those big blue ribbons back to the stall area like her sister had.  She wanted so badly to see Cutie get recognized for all of their hard work.  She kept giving it her all and then it happened.  The three of us went into bareback together and came out to wait for placings.  We were all talking about something random when the placings started and Sophie heard her number announced first.  The look of surprise which was quickly overtaken by tears of joy meant more to me than any placing I got all weekend.  Then she did what every true and honest horse crazy kid does, gave Cutie a big old hug.

With a weekend of great memories and laughs behind us, we got packed up and waited to hear how the weekend points would shake out.  None of us dreamed of anything much because, did I mention we aren't so good with paying attention to points?  I never even gave the weekend placings a thought, especially after my dismal performances on Sunday.  I was shocked to hear that I had won the buckle for the senior walk/trot championship.  But I was even more proud and excited to hear Libby announced as the junior walk/trot champ.  As they went through the age groups it was adorable to watch Libby trying to figure out who had won her age group after the reserve horse/rider combination was announced.  It was a replay of earlier in the day when I watched another of my daughter's be shocked out of her boots to hear her and Peach's number announced as the Intermediate champions.  Libby collected her second buckle of the weekend and the second buckle that Peach has won her.  As you can see, Peach was just as excited to win this one as the first.

Then they announced the top ten overall series high point.  I was so proud of Libby and Joker for sneaking into the top 10 after only making 3 out of the 4 shows.  In fact they were 7th after their awesome weekend.  I bet she wishes she had listened to her mom and taken him in a few classes at the first show of the season.  ;)  Libby and Peach also got their names announced as 5th place overall and we sure couldn't be more proud of how far Peach came this year.  Next year the plan is for Sophie and Peach to be the team to beat.  And then the announcer kept creeping towards high point.  I was all geared up for a third or second place despite the assurances of Tim and family that I should still be in the running for high point.  It wasn't until they announced third and then second that I realized I had done what I never dreamed of doing.  I was announced as the MEC overall judged champion and I still can't believe it.  The $900 yearling that we didn't even think we should or could keep accomplished virtually all of my horse goals in her first real year of showing as only a 3 year old.  We ended the year with more ribbons than I can count, 3 series buckle championships and a saddle.  A saddle!  I never ever dreamed of winning a saddle.  It still hasn't sunk in and doesn't seem real.  There were tears again for the fourth time that day as I walked to get my saddle.  I couldn't love more that I got to share that day with both of my daughters showing with me side by side.  I also had the best competition and made a great new friend in the reserve champion, Heidi.  She's been pushing me all season to be the best I can be, but also supporting me and helping me every step of the way. 

There are too many people to thank and I'm always so afraid of missing someone.  There are countless friends that answered my texts or calls of frustration and worry that I was doing this or that wrong with China.  There are my good friends,  Taylor and Lori, who gave up a weekend night to swing by and help calm my fears and give me some ideas to make her even better than she already was.  There were the friends that talked through patterns, clothes, training, lessons, tips, pointers and so much more.  I tried to remember you all on Facebook, but if I forgot to name any of you specifically, please know that I have never forgotten how you are always there.  And then, I have to give special thanks and appreciation to my 3 biggest supporters. 

Liberty, thank you for being my partner in the crime and crazy horse obsessed girl who gets me for all these years.  Thank you for the countless tips and yes, criticism which have motivated me in so many ways.  Sophia - thank you for being my biggest fan, my cheerleader and for making me laugh.  I can't tell you how happy I am to have you back in the saddle with me again.  And lastly, Tim.  I don't have enough words to thank you for everything you have done to help me keep my horse dreams alive for the past couple of years.  You and China came into my life at almost exactly the same time and you have both been the best thing that every happened to me.  Thank you for wiping away the tears, stacking the hay, hauling the grain, scooping the poop and believing in me when I didn't believe in myself.   You make me a better person. 

Lastly, and I can't believe I'm tearing up again as I write this, thank you China.  Thank you for being everything I didn't know I needed and so much more.  You have checked off so many of my life long goals with our first year together that I can't even imagine what our future holds.  I can always count on you to hold up your end of the bargain and one of these days I'll get out of your way and hold up mine.  Scout's honor.  As Tim always reminds me, "has she ever let you down?"  The answer is no. You keep me honest.  You remind me that good things don't come easy.  And you always, always do your best to make me look good.  Onwards and upwards from here big girl!