It’s all about life experiences, isn’t it? Sometimes, if you follow social media, it seems like all men and women know how to do is complain about their spouses. Oh, unless it is Valentine’s Day or their spouse spends some extravagant amount of money on a gift for them. The rest of the time it’s complain, complain, complain. For the longest time I thought that was because marriage, and relationships in general, sucked. I thought relationships were hard. I thought relationships were hard work and constantly forgiving each other. I thought it was hard to be happy and you had to work at it every single day. I mean, that was my life experiences with relationships. Say hurtful things. Do hurtful things. Ask for forgiveness. Rinse and repeat.
People say to me now, why did you let men treat you that way. Really? Explain to me how I knew it could be any other way. Our life experiences can cement what we believe to be true. And for every quote or article that says that you should be treated one way with love and respect, there is another one that says relationships are hard work, you can’t be too hard on your partner, we all make mistakes, you need to be forgiving, etc… You can literally find an article, an expert, or a quote to explain and justify any behavior. So I was left with being pretty sure relationships were hard, couples treat each other like crap but love each other deep down, you’re supposed to forgive each other, and not to be a quitter. Believe me, as I've said before, if I could invent a time machine and go back and kick younger me's ass, I would.
I remember one of my friends getting married a couple of years ago. She was so excited. And it wasn’t the young, naive love of the kids getting married to their first love. She was my age, had been in plenty of relationships and still wanted to marry this guy. I jokingly, but secretly seriously, asked her if she was crazy. I told her how much easier it was to walk away if you didn’t have to get divorced and pay lawyers, divide assets, etc… At this point in my life after one failed marriage and a pretty miserable second relationship I was beyond cynical about love and marriage. She, without pausing even a heartbeat, said yes. 100%, without a doubt, yes. She was excited. He was her best friend and she was happier than she had ever been. She couldn’t wait to have her wedding day and spend the rest of her life with him. I didn’t believe her. I thought, “just wait - that will all change.” But guess what, here we are a couple years later and they are still happily married. Huh? What’s up with that? What was I doing wrong?
Turns out I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was with the wrong people. Years ago I wrote down my ideal man. The perfect man criteria. Mostly because certain people told me that the person I was looking for wasn’t possible, a fairy tale. There are some pretty tough things to do on that list. I know you’re probably thinking “tall, dark and handsome” was on there, but honestly - I didn’t even put any physical characteristics. Isn’t that kind of interesting? You think it so important to someone, yourself even, and then it isn’t something that comes to mind when you sit down to describe the perfect mate.
I’m way too embarrassed to share all of them, but some that seem less “crawl in a hole and hide” are:
*gives affection - holds hands, hugs, etc…
*financially stable - has a job
*good dad
*does not lie
*sense of humor
*not crude or judgmental
*is respectful
*social and well liked
*active
*is proud of me and acknowledges me
Okay - wow, stopping there. But you get the idea. All personality traits and ways I wanted to be treated. And nowhere on the list does it say “treat me like a princess” or “give me everything I ask for” which is what guys seem to think every woman wants. But again - I was sure what I wanted, what I hoped and dreamed about, didn’t exist. I was told it didn’t. It was the stuff for movies, especially the Disney kind. So I made concessions. I settled. I justified. I rationalized. I explained things away.
Here’s the truth people, or at least as I have discovered. Love doesn’t have to be hard. Relationships don’t have to be hard work. Being happy shouldn’t be a chore or a research project. Couples don’t have to treat each other like crap. And it doesn’t have to be a constant battle of forgive and try to forget. Not with the right person. With the right person, loving is easy. Trusting is easy. Teasing is fun. And there are lots of happy relationships out there. People just don't share them nearly enough. The other day Tim shared a post to me from a Facebook page called "Happily Married" where people can buy clothing showing how much they love their partner. It was super sweet. But what made my day was reading through the comments. Dozens of people professing their love and sharing how much they loved their wives and husbands, sharing how sexy and attractive they found their partner, etc... It was so heart warming and eye opening.
There is some work involved. But it is easy work. And maybe a person has to go through the failed relationships and be treated poorly to realize what it takes to be in a good relationship. It’s not expecting the person to be perfect, and recognizing that you aren’t perfect either. But it is looking for the good in that person every single day, even on the day they forget your anniversary or leave muddy prints on the kitchen floor. It is being appreciative of the little things, the many ways we say “I love you” without ever using those 3 words. It’s thinking back to how you felt when you first fell in love. It’s butterflies when they kiss you and watching them sleep at night knowing everything is okay as long as they are happy.
I hope that you all are happy or find your happy. It may be with someone else and it may be alone. Maybe that’s the biggest step of all, being willing to be happy alone rather than be in a toxic relationship. I’m not telling everyone to go out and get divorced! But please, if you’re unhappy, scared, feeling like less of a person; evaluate your relationship, talk to your partner, get help or leave. People ask me how you can get divorced when you have kids. I didn’t want to either. But I didn’t want my girls growing up thinking that what they saw was how a relationship should be and how they should be treated in the future. I wanted a better relationship future for them. This was my pledge to myself moving forward after the last failed relationship. It's good advice for all people, young and old.
I wish there was a flow chart for relationships; if this happens, choose this, if that happens, choose that. Unfortunately there isn’t. You just have to keep making the right choices for you and your loved ones, messing up along the way, getting back up and trying again. But no matter the outcome of your relationships, please always remember...
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