When we force our kids to choose

How many of you are divorced or were the child of divorced parents? How many of you can relate to the knowledge that our children (or maybe you as children yourselves) felt the pressure of being asked to choose one of your parents over the other?  Don't bury your head in the sand and say "I've never asked my child to choose."  Really think about not just what you said, but your actions; down to the littlest look, shrug or action.  Maybe even your inaction.  Have you ever made your child feel like they should "choose you" over the other parent.  The answer is, "yes I have."  Say it with me... "Yes, I have." Yes, you have made your child feel the pressure that they should choose you as their favorite parent. You have made them feel like they should choose to spend time with you instead of their other parent.  You have made them choose.  Think for a minute on how that made (or makes) your child feel.

I know that many of us did this with the best of intentions, maybe we think that their other parent is a bad influence or a toxic example.  Maybe we think that we are a better parent than they are.  Maybe we just want our child to love us the most.  Others just want to punish their ex's by taking away the one thing that matters most to any parent, the love of their child.   But the truth of the matter is that other person is their parent too.  You chose to make a child with that person and barring a few special cases, that child deserves both of you in their lives.  This isn't an easy lesson to learn and something that some of you need to revisit from time to time.

It is easy to translate the hurt and heartache that our ex's cause us to our own kids.  It is our job as parents to keep our kids out of the middle of our divorce.  It is our job to make sure our kids know that it is okay for them to love both of their parents (and any step parents) equally.  It is our job to make sure that our kids have the freedom to spend time with their other parent AND their extended family without worrying about upsetting us or making us "feel bad".  That second part may be the hardest part of all because it is usually a message that we are sending without even knowing that we are sending it.

I know I messed it up a lot.  And my ex did too.  A lot.  I can't apologize to my girls enough for putting them in the middle.  To this day my littlest will talk about how hard it was.  She has a hard time describing how her dad made her feel.  She talks about how he wouldn't come right out and say it all the time, but there were enough comments, enough deep sighs, enough dark looks that she knew, she knew what to say and to do in order to make her dad happy.  Talking about horses or wanting to ride horses did not make him happy.  Talking about me or how she was happy with us did not make him happy.  Be a hunter.  Be an athlete.  Go fishing.  Ride the ATV.  Do the things that make Dad happy.  She was little and she was smart.  She knew how to make Dad happy.  I'm sure she knew how to make Mom happy too.  The difference was she didn't care if I was happy.   She was acting out for me and she had consequences at my house.  She was being told the divorce was all my fault, that I had done some pretty horrible things and I didn't have as much money. Sophie admits to this day, "kids can be bought - at least I could.  And Dad had money.  Lots and lots of money and nice things."  Until she couldn't be bought any more and the things that were happening at the other house finally caught up to them.

There was a couple of glorious months when their dad and I tried to reset this relationship. I tried to help the kids open up their hearts and give him a chance.  And it worked for a few months.  Then he slipped back into his old ways and the rest, as they say, is history.  But we tried.  I swallowed my pride and what I wanted to say and I tried.  I tried coming up with excuses for his behavior again, like I had done for the 15 years we were married.  (The old "Daddy works hard and Daddy is just tired" excuses didn't work anymore.)  But I tried.  I wanted my girls to have both of their parents in their lives.  He just didn't want the same things I did and it didn't work out.  But I can sleep at night, because I tried.  Can you?

Can you sleep at night knowing that you have made your kids choose?  Have you kept your divorce and frustrations off of social media (ESPECIALLY if they share that platform with you and can see it)?  Can you look at your kids and know that they feel comfortable loving their other parent IN FRONT OF YOU?  Can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you have done everything in your power to let your kids know it is okay if they want to spend extra time with their "other family" or share the love of all that family with you?  Or do you have a collection of deep sighs, rolled eyes and shrugged shoulders in your toolbox to use against your kids. 

It's not too late.  It is not too late to admit you were wrong and change your behavior.  Be human and be honest.  Explain that you made a mistake and TRY.  Try harder. Your kids deserve better so be better.  You cared enough about this person at one point in your life to have children together.  Think of that the next time you roll your eyes when your child talks about how their dad wants to take them hunting.