The self confidence struggle

Why does it seem some people struggle with self confidence, while others overflow with an abundance of confidence to spare?  What is the secret to being confident? I’m not asking a question that I have the answer to. I sure wish I did.  One thing I have learned is that self confidence isn’t something you can get from someone else, it is something you have to believe for yourself.  Which probably goes against a lot of people’s beliefs.  Let me explain.

What do you tell your kid when they tell you they aren’t feeling confident?  That when they look in the mirror they see something about themselves that they don’t like?  I tell mine that I think they are beautiful.  I tell them it doesn’t matter what a person looks like on the outside, but how they treat others.  I ask them if anyone has ever picked on them or made fun of what they don’t like about themselves (they haven’t).  But I know, and I think the world would agree with me, that my words don’t matter.  The next time they look in the mirror, they are still going to see that part of them that they secretly hate.  Me telling them they are beautiful isn’t going to change that.

Here’s what I also know.  Tim tells me I am beautiful at least once a day, probably more.  My dad always told me I was beautiful.  My friends tell me that I’m beautiful.  But when I look in the mirror I don’t see anything positive.  I see every flaw I wish I could change; pointy nose, flabby belly, wrinkles, boobs that have seen better days, scars, wrinkles, gray hair, crooked teeth, psoriasis, .... do I need to go on?  Most of those issues, no one but me has ever commented on.  Oh there were a few that were the pet critiques of my ex’s.  The narcissist made fun of my weight, my boobs and called me a Dalmatian because of my skin.  The ex hubby also made fun of my weight, but in his defense, there was a time when I was quite heavy.  Overall in reality, all those flaws that I see are all owned by one person.  Me.

When someone asks me how they can be more self confident, I don’t know the answer.  I have some ideas.  I do know that working out and making healthy choices helps my confidence.  Even if I don’t see a big change, knowing that I’m working on it helps.  But the biggest thing is learning to be happy with how we look right now for us.  It isn’t about being confident for someone else, it’s about being confident for ourselves.

Beauty is a billion dollar business in the United States and everyone gets sucked in.  Think of the thousands you alone may spend on hair and makeup.  Then factor in the shampoos, conditioners, self tanners, haircuts, health foods, shakes and it starts to overwhelm you.  And that isn’t even cosmetic surgery or braces or the like.  Let’s take braces for example. I hate my crooked teeth, I could get braces and fix them.  But what then?  Would I have confidence then?  Would I love myself then?  The answer is no, I’d move on to the next thing.  So what next? A boob job?  Lipo?  Skin reduction? A nose job? It would be endless and even IF I exhausted every medical possibility to "improve" my looks and had a hair stylist and make up artist at my beck and call, I could STILL find something about myself that I didn’t love.  It isn’t about having the perfect body.  It’s about loving the body we are in.

We need to work together to help each other build ourselves up.  We need to learn to love ourselves right now, the way we are.  We need to celebrate our successes as we work to improve ourselves and we need to let go of everything we hate about ourselves.  Nobody is perfect, no one. As for me, I'm going to start researching ways to build confidence and share them with everyone who asks me how to work on confidence, everyone who replies to a compliment with some negative comment about themselves and all of my kids (personal and student).  I'm going to start  here.

How to Be More Confident