Divorce doesn’t hurt kids...parents do.

I know that all parents screw up.  But it seems like no parent screws up more than a divorced one, especially a newly divorced one.  If you didn’t or haven’t, kudos/high fives and count me jealous.  Because I know I screwed up and I screwed up a bunch.  It took putting my child into counseling and having her therapist flat out tell me what she needed and what I was doing wrong for me to change my behavior.  And I was a parent that thought they had it together prior to divorce.  That all went out the window when I went from the good guy mom who was home all the time and took them to things and was there for them, to the divorced parent that was thrown into a competition for parent of the year.  Since I see it happening with students, family members and pretty much everywhere I turn, let me share what I did and maybe some of you can take a cold hard look at your own behavior.  It’s time we put our future kids first.   I’m not talking about kids we may give birth to in the future.  I’m talking about the kids our little lovelies will grow into as adults.  And some of us are raising entitled, holy terrors that will be unemployable and live in our homes forever.  #getoutLibby #Imjustkiddingdonteverleaveme

The biggest and worst mistake I made was being afraid to have rules, chores, or limits for my kids because I was afraid they wouldn’t like me as much or would choose their dad over me.  Dad didn’t have rules.  Dad was not making them do homework.  Dad was being the fun parent and every time they were at my house I felt like I was harping on them.  I let all the rules I had prior to the divorce go out the window and started doing all the chores I would have normally had them do. This ended up being a huge mistake with the little one.  At the same time as I was trying to be Ms Nice Guy and throwing her whole understanding of mom off, her dad was telling her I had done horrible things, the divorce was all my fault, and more.  Needless to say it was scary and confusing for her and she rebelled. When it got to the point that she was spitting on me, trying to bite me and screaming at me, I got her help.  It was the best thing I ever did and to this day she thanks me and tells me that she still uses and remembers what Dr Weber taught her.  Here is what Dr Weber taught me.

#1. Kids in divorce still need consistency and rules, moreso even than kids in a nuclear family situation.  While you’re trying to "win" the parent competition, your kids are the big losers.  They need rules, expectations and consequences just like before.  They need to know you’re a big person who has the role of mommy or daddy in hand and you are in control so they don’t have to be.  

#2.  It may seem like Disney Dad who takes them fun places and buys them expensive things is winning the battle, but the parent who expects them to behave like real people and has real expectations for them is what is needed to win the war.  It isn’t about being the favorite parent, it is about raising kids to be strong, independent, KIND adults.  That means shutting the phone off, bedtimes, eat your vegetables and fold your clothes are perfectly acceptable expectations.  

#3.  If you treat your kid like a victim, she will grow up acting like one.  We all make mistakes and sometimes we get called out on them; by a parent, teacher, coach, boss, etc... If you’re afraid to tell your child when they are wrong, what happens when their teacher or coach or boss does?  All of a sudden they are being "picked on" or "abused".  Nope.  You’re not abused, you’re just wrong and someone who knows better told you that.  It’s allowed and you’re not a victim.  You’re a kid and you’re LEARNING how to be better.  Tell your kid when they are wrong and watch them grow into trainable, coachable, employable adults.  

#4.  You can’t "love them through it".  Some behavior requires what people used to call "tough love".  You have to love your kid enough to say "you’re wrong", "you can’t have that", "you’re grounded", "you’re not being picked on", etc...  Sometimes, heck maybe all the time, it hurts us more to say it than it does our kids.  But it’s our job as parents.  

#5.  You can’t "love them through it" but you need to let them know they are loved. A lot.  All the time.  Make sure when you are adding consequences or discussing their behavior you tell them that you love THEM, but don’t love their behavior at the moment.  Offer options, choices, possible solutions or alternative behaviors.  And then tell them again that you love them and can’t wait for three to rejoin the family with a better attitude.  Tell them you love them before bed.  Call or text them goodnight and love when they aren’t with you.  Hide a note that says "I love you" in their backpack.  Always let them know they are loved. 

#6.  Never give up.  Parents don’t give up on their kids.  Don’t give in when they whine.  Don’t change your mind when they say "Dad would let me." Be resolute, be consistent, be the structure they don’t know they need in their lives.  You’re in this thing for the long haul and it may take years for your kids to appreciate you.  Don’t give up.  You’ve got this.  No one ever said parenting was for the weak.  

Like I said, I don’t have this parenting thing down and I very definitely messed up a lot and will still mess up.  It’s all about learning what’s best for our kids, even when it doesn’t feel like the best for us.  Love them enough they be a parent.  They will love you all the more even if it takes them a while to see it and believe it.