The whole #metoo movement has been around for a little while now. Maybe movement isn't the right word, maybe conversation or awareness is more correct? #metoo started as a way for women who had been victims of sexual harassment or assault to let the world know that they stood together. But more than that, that we recognize what women go through and that we believe each other. Belief. That's the most important word right there. It's the core of the entire problem being thrashed around by everyone on social media, in living rooms, in the media, every corner or our country. Whom do you believe? Unfortunately it is yet another issue that divides our country. Believing in this person or that person. And really, whether you believe Dr Ford or believe Judge Kavanaugh isn't the problem for me. Obviously from the title of this blog you can see that I believe her. But to me that isn't the deepest issue. The deepest issue for me is the conversations that are being had, the excuses being given and the victim blaming that is rampant. Let me explain why.
I watched a video the other day that really shook me up. I watched it and I listened. I shared the video and I'm sure that not very many of my friends really listened to what he had to say. But in that video he talked about the sheer numbers of women that have been sexually assaulted; the number he gave was 1 in 10. I went and did a little research and found everything from 1 in 5 to 1 in 7 so the number 1 in 10 seems not just alarming, but actually fairly conservative to me. When the #metoo movement started and with the recent events, I have been horrified to hear how many of my women friends can raise their hand and say, "me too." In my circle of friends, the statistic definitely hovers more around in the 1 in 5 mark. But it also made me feel a little better to know, I am not alone.
Yes. I can say #metoo as many of my friends reading this blog can. I also NEVER told anyone when it happened. For the same reason as so many others. I figured no one would believe me. The man who assaulted me was two years older than me and a popular senior athlete at our small school. I was a nobody, nerdy sophomore kid who wasn't popular and didn't have a big circle of friends. A bunch of us were at a graduation celebration for a mutual friend and he offered me a ride home when my friend wanted to stay. I was so excited and honored to have this older, popular guy offer me a ride home. But we didn't drive home. We drove towards home and then he took a "wrong" turn down a minimum maintenance road. I asked him what we were doing and he pulled over and started kissing me. Let me just tell you, I had thought I was pretty tough up to this point in my life. I was a farm kid, threw bales and carried buckets. I wasn't a wimp. I also was strong willed, spoke my mind, thought I couldn't be pushed around. I learned pretty quickly I could be pushed around and was not nearly as strong as I thought. I cannot describe to you the thoughts that raced through my mind and the million ways to get out of the situation that I tried to think of and quickly discarded. It wasn't until his hands were unfastening my pants, despite me pushing on his chest as I tried to get away, that all reasoning left my brain and I blurted out, "my dad is going to kill you." I'm not sure if my dad had some kind of reputation or if he realized that I wasn't going to keep this to myself or what, but that was all it took. He sat back, drove me home and neither of us ever spoke again.
Some of you are already doing it without even realizing it. Right now you're starting to blame me for making a poor choice. And you're right. Looking back I would have smacked myself and said, "don't get in the car with that guy, what do you think his plans are for you?" I still think to myself about what a dumb move it was on my part. I knew better. But I am placing the blame on the wrong person. I should have been able to get in that car, with a man, and drive home without fear of being raped. Would any of you saying I shouldn't have gotten in the car with a boy 2 years older than me say the same thing about a girl driving me home? Of course not. And some of you are probably wondering what I was wearing. Knowing me at 16, I would guess jeans and a baggy, inside out sweatshirt. Was I drinking? Nope. Was I flirting? I doubt it - or if I was it was probably a pretty pathetic attempt at flirting. I was socially awkward. What other reasons do you have for why I deserved to be assaulted? I know why I was assaulted. Because I was an easy target. He thought he could get away with it. He thought I wouldn't tell anyone (and he was right). He probably thought I would consider myself lucky to be "chosen". It's quite simple, he didn't think I had a choice.
Let me see if I can explain it yet another way. What did you tell your oldest son when he went away to college? Get good grades. Don't drink and drive. Get a job.
You know what I told my daughter? Don't walk alone at night, or even during the day in bad neighborhoods. Carry your keys between your knuckles like a weapon. Do not look at your phone while walking, keep an eye on your surroundings. Be wary of anyone going the same direction as you, following you or watching you. Ask someone to walk you to your car. Don't go to parties. IF you do go to parties, don't drink. If you do drink, make sure you stay with a group and never set your drink down or take a drink offered to you by a guy. Do not accept drinks from strangers. Carry pepper spray or a whistle. Don't go somewhere alone with a classmate unless it is a public location. When you get to your car, immediately get in and lock the car. Do not waste time, drive away. Always park under a streetlight. Always tell a friend where you are going and who you are going with.
Probably the saddest thing I did was that I shared with her memes about "how not to get attacked or raped". I should not have to share ways to avoid rape with my daughter. Why aren't we teaching men how not to rape?
It has become a popular mantra to spread fear saying that "it's a scary time for men in our country". It has literally been a scary time for women in our country forever. Forever. Wrap your brain around that. Women are afraid and the saddest part is that we've become so conditioned to living in fear and protecting ourselves, it doesn't even register on our radar any more. It's just "how it is" or how we have been conditioned to protect ourselves. I'm sure at least one of you women is reading this and realizing for the first time that what I'm saying is true. You never thought of yourself as being a scared person. Because it is a part of what you have lived with for as long as you can remember. Welcome to being a woman, it's all part of the game, right?
I saw the best response to the "scary time for men in our country" by a young man the other day. He responded by saying, "you don't have to be afraid for me. I was raised to treat women with respect. I'm not worried." It's pretty simple. Live a life free from reproach or rebuke and you don't have anything to worry about. Don't get drunk and use that as an excuse for your actions. Women don't get to. If a woman is assaulted while drunk it is her fault. If a man assaults a woman while drunk it isn't his fault? What kind of message are we sending here folks?
I know I won't convince all of you. I know that all of you won't understand, but I'm going to keep talking about this topic and having these conversations until more do "get it". I'm not scared for my dad, my husband or my son. They've lived lives where they don't have to be afraid. They have treated women with respect and kindness. But I am afraid for my daughters. And until the day comes when I'm not, and I fear I won't live that long, I'm going to keep posting about it.
#metoo
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