Forgive don't forget

I love talking with my kids.  I miss so much about when they were little; the funny things they would say, the cuddling, the fact that they needed me for more than a ride, but I love the conversations we have had as they have matured.  One of the things we have talked about is forgiveness.  What does forgiveness mean?  What does forgiveness look like?

Can you forgive someone who hurt you?  The obvious answer is yes.  What if you forgive them and they hurt you again?  Can you forgive them a second time?  Again, the answer is yes.  But.....  We could keep playing this scenario over and over.   What if they hurt you a third, fourth, eighty-fifth time?  Of course you CAN keep forgiving them.  But forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.  Maybe that's the bigger picture or question.

There are many different ways that forgiveness looks.  It can be forgiving and going back to the way things were.  Putting it in the past, realizing it was a once in a lifetime kind of error, and being willing to move forward.  Typically this means you have observed some kind of change in the other person and/or remorse.  Maybe they truly didn't understand how much what they did would hurt you, or even that it would hurt you at all.   You probably saw that they had a change in themselves, that they learned something from the mistake and would do anything to prevent doing it again. That kind of hurt is much easier to forgive.

Sometimes when we forgive the person gives a casual "sorry" and goes right back to the same old same old behavior.  That is when the hurt is compounded.  Not because of what they did, but because they KNOW it hurts you and they keep doing it.  Over and over.  It's like they are choosing to hurt you or at the very least, choosing their own wants and needs over yours.  That selfish hurting is so much harder to forgive.  This is the kind of hurt that my girls and I have been talking about the last few weeks.  How many times do you forgive before you say, "I'm done."?    The answer is unique to you and to every situation.

When you say "I'm done", what do you mean?  Does it mean you don't forgive?  For me, "I'm done" means that I am done opening myself up to being hurt by you.  I am not going to put myself in the situation where you have the power to hurt me again.  Unfortunately, being the INFJ personality that I am, it also means I've given you the "door slam".  It means I'm not going to think about you, I'm not going to worry about you, I'm not even going to anything you.  But do I forgive you?  100% yes.  Forgiving you and forgetting what you have done are two very different things.

I can even forgive the narcissist.  It took me a long time to be able to say that.  I forgive him.  I know that he is mentally ill.  Hating him and holding onto the hurt he caused doesn't hurt him.  He will not, can not, feel regret for hurting others.  It isn't possible for someone with his illness.  I almost feel sorry for him.  Because he completely lacks feelings for anyone but himself, he will never find happiness, never find peace, never know love.  That isn't someone to hate, that is someone to feel sorry for and pity.

Forgiving means I understand why you did what you did.  Forgiving means I don't hate you and I've let go of the anger over the hurt you caused.  Forgiving means I don't wish you ill and I don't wish you to suffer.  But because "I'm done" it also means I don't forget what you've done.  I don't forget how you hurt me.  I don't forget what kind of person you have proven that you are and I protect myself (and as much as possible, my loved ones) from feeling that ever again.

Which brings us back full circle.  Both of my girls have struggled with someone close to them hurting them repeatedly over the past few years.  Both of my girls opened their heart to forgiveness and even forgetting to have it thrown back in their face.  I'm proud of them for giving people second and third chances.  I'm also proud of them for the conversations we have had recently.  Both are willing to to forgive.  Both realize that some people are the way they are and aren't willing to change or better themselves, even for those they claim to love.  They have forgiven them for their own sake and let go of their anger.  That doesn't mean they forget.  They won't be hurt again.  They have learned from the experience and used it to become a better person moving forward.  That's the most we can hope for with our kids, isn't it? 

Open your heart to forgiveness.  Forgiveness doesn't have to mean allowing yourself to be hurt again.  Forgiveness doesn't mean going back to the way things were.  Forgive and move forward.   Letting go of that anger and hate is part of the healing process, the best part.