Life after Divorce

I’ve started and stopped this blog about a thousand times.  It is incredibly hard to write and protect everyone’s feelings, but yet be honest and hopefully share information that might help someone down the road or right now who is going through the same thing.  And harder still to write, knowing that my kids are older and probably will read this blog.  

I want to design this blog as a sort of list, but how to make the list?  Is it a list of things I’ve learned since the divorce?   A list of mistakes divorced parents make?  A list of things to avoid in a divorce with kids?  The sucky side of divorce when you have kids?  The good side of divorce?  Argghh!!  

I don’t know how to even start this blog other than I know I have some observations I need to reflect on and hopefully my random reflections will connect with someone out there and they can share their reflections too.  And before someone freaks out and feels the need to send this blog to my ex, these are not just my personal experiences, but the experiences of my friends, family and coworkers.  Everyone has a story and some of our stories are similar.

So here you have, “Random Reflections on Divorce (With Kids)”.

1. Let’s start with your ex.  I had this crazy idea when I got divorced that I would be done with my ex and could move on with my life.  I knew we would share parenting, but in my mind I pictured that as a his time/my time/I don’t have to deal with you time.  I pictured myself being “free” from him.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  And now, add to the fact that when life pushes you together, there is all this additional anger and awkwardness in the mix.  Makes for some fun times let me tell you. Many who have been through divorce tell you that it gets easier with time.  I haven’t found that to be true yet, but we are only 4 years out.  I have found it to be a roller coaster of good times and hostile times.  You celebrate the good times and remind yourself that the hostile times won’t last.

2. I had this other crazy idea that once the divorce was final, the lawyer fees would be over.  Apparently that is the case for many.  That is not always the case however.  Be prepared for that residual anger to lead to continued court cases and frivolous lawsuits.  Most of the time these have little to do with justice and more to do with “getting back at the ex”.  There is no wonder lawyers choose to go into family law.  Talk about job security.  Once upon a time I was going to ask my lawyer for a total of my fees so far. And then I thought, (in my best Fat Amy voice) “mmmm… better not.”  I do not want to know.

3. You will have to choke down every honest thing, every sarcastic comment, every automatic response about your ex that you have.  No matter how much they have hurt you in the past, continue to hurt you or hurt your kids; you have to play nice, take the high road and basically keep your mouth shut.  There is a mantra you need to repeat, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”  And if (WHEN) you screw up and you can’t control your mouth, you need to apologize and think of nice things about your ex to say to your kids.  Remind yourself that your kids see some of their parents in themselves.  So when you badmouth their parent, you’re badmouthing them.  Let that soak in, and never forget it.  

4. There is no such thing as “my time” and “his/her time”.  It is the KIDS’ time.  All of it.  If your kids need to get somewhere on “your” time, you take them.  You don’t switch weekends so that you can have fun on your time and the other parent gets the responsibility.  You don’t make the child feel guilty for having events that interrupt “your time”.  Even more so than in nuclear families, you need to be at your kids’ events.  This is not the time to say to yourself, “sure glad it’s their weekend so I don’t have to sit through the band concert.”  Ummm.. yes.  You do.  And the volleyball game.  And the horse show.  And the play performance.  They need both of you at each and every event you can possibly make.  Will you miss some of them, sometimes?  Of course.  But you had better be at most of them or you better have a damn good reason for not being there.  It isn’t always fun, it isn’t always easy, it is called being a parent.  Being divorced doesn’t mean you choose to be less of a parent, it means it is on you to be the best damn parent you can be.  

5. You will probably find that other special someone in your life.  They may or may not have kids too.  You may want nothing more in your life than to make that special person happy.  But guess who comes first.  Not them.  Not their kids.  Certainly not you.  Your kids.  They didn’t ask for this divorced life, it was thrust upon them.  And they don’t need to feel replaced or like your new stepchildren and/or spouse are more important to you than they are.  You kids come first.  Period.  

6. You will no longer have a say in a lot of aspects of your kids’ lives and upbringing.  And it will drive you crazy sometimes.  You know how you have tried to make your child be independent and do chores around the house?  That will probably not happen at the other parent’s house.  Especially if they have limited time with them.  No one wants to be the “crabby” parent who makes their kids have responsibilities, least of all the parent who only gets them every other weekend.  You still need to be a parent.  What good is it to be the favorite parent, if your child grows up to be a entitled, irresponsible burden to society?  Much better to be the “strict” parent to an adult everybody can stand.  Set the rules, set the expectations, assign the chores.  Be a parent.  Everyone tells me that my kids will thank me someday.  Pretty sure they would disagree with you, but I’m counting on all of you to be right.  You may teach your kids not to judge others and be kind while their other household may take great joy in backstabbing and gossiping.  You may want your child to grow their hair long and they may take and cut it off.  You may say no to that second hole in their ears, that cell phone, that game boy and all those items may be purchased for your children without your permission.  All of these things are their decision too.  You go from having a say in how your children are raised, to having a say some of the time.  It isn’t easy to accept.  Especially for parents who were used to being almost completely in charge of their children’s care.   

7. Along with this goes the whole favorite parent contest.  It is the easiest trap to fall into. Who doesn’t want their child to love them the most?  And when you don’t have so many warm fuzzy feelings for your ex and can’t think of many redeeming qualities for them, of course you want to be chosen over them.  This is when the badmouthing starts.  And then the outdoing gifts, trips, and family activities. (Your dad took you to Valleyfair?  Guess who’s going to Disney World!)  This is also where the lack of chores and responsibilities comes in.  (Oh, you don’t have to do your own laundry here, let me do that for you.)  Do not, do not, do not, fall into this trap.  You may have to put on an Academy Award performance, but do not let your kids know that it is okay to talk badly about their other parent in front of you, do not let them think it makes you happy (and what you want them to do) and do NOT ever do it yourself.  I’d love to say that I’ve got this down.  I do not.  But it is something I constantly work on and I know is very important.  It is something I will continue to work on because it does not matter what makes me happy, it is what makes my kids happy.  Remember, they didn’t ask for this divorce, it was forced upon them.  

8. You will lose family and friends that were close to you.  My ex’s family was like my family.  I loved his sisters and sisters-in-law like my own and his brothers were my brothers. My nieces and nephews gave me great joy and to this day I miss the hugs and cuddles.  We spent loads of time with his family and had years of laughs and memories together.  But it was awkward after and there was so much he said/she said that family was being put in the middle and it was easiest to just step away and all go our separate ways. Sometimes a person gets tired of trying to defend themselves and seeing those that they care about being hurt.  I can almost guarantee that it will be like elementary school, “if you’re friends with them, you can’t be friends with us.”  It’s ridiculous, we all get that.  It just seems like people can’t help themselves.

9. Planning parent contact time for the month will become like the NFL draft.  “I’ll trade you one rock solid holiday, prime time for a Friday-Monday extended weekend.”   Be prepared to work on your negotiation skills and be prepared to give.  Remember that it is not “your time and his time”  it is all your kids’ time.  

10. Which brings us to another sad realization.  You will have to learn to have holidays without your kids.  There is nothing sadder than waking up Christmas morning without your kids.  And traditions have to alter and change with the changing times.  You might not be able to open stockings and have breakfast Christmas morning.  Maybe you do your Easter egg hunt on Easter Monday.  Maybe your 4th of July picnic becomes an August fun in the sun type of day.  It is hard, but it can be fun too.  Come up with new traditions and plan them together.  Make this change a positive one.  

So I’ve listed a lot of negatives or the downsides of divorce.  But there are loads of good things that have come out of my divorce as well, for both the kids and I.  

11.  I am finally happy.  Truly happy.  I don’t feel like I am on the verge of flying off the handle into tears or anger.  I no longer have overwhelming anxiety.  I no longer hate how I look.  I love my life and I love my future.  I feel like I actually have a future.  I cannot describe to you the difference in who I feel I was pre-divorce to how I feel now.  And not only am I happy with who I am for me, I have an amazing new someone who is the man I always wanted and dreamed of finding.  Getting divorced makes you vividly aware of what you would ever have to have to consider getting married again. (I made a list.) And you learn not to settle ever again and make sure that list is met.  In my case, I was told that what I wanted in a relationship was a fairy tale and impossible.  Well, I guess Tim is my Prince Charming then because he is very real and everything I had ever hoped to find.

12.  My kids are stronger than I had ever imagined possible.  They have had to deal with upsets and struggles and hurt.  It has made each of them less judgmental, more kind, more understanding, and strong.  These girls are tough and determined.  A few years ago I could never have imagined them moving towns, changing schools and starting over with new friends, but here they are.  And doing it with virtually no problems!  I am so proud of them.  

13.  Change is so much easier.  You know sometimes people can handle little changes?  When you have completely uprooted your entire life and started over, well - what time the spring concert is doesn’t seem like something to stress about any more.  

14.  I know what is important in life and I’ve learned the value of people, not things.  I know I’ve talked about this in previous blogs, but when you have had to start over and have lost things you thought you couldn’t live without, you quickly learn what is truly important in life and what matters.  People matter.  Things do not.  

15.  I’m a better mom.  Being a divorced parent pushes you to make choices that directly affect your kids.  And when your kids’ well being is always on the forefront of your mind, then you become a better parent.  It forces you to play both roles and become a whole new level of parent.  You can’t always be the good guy or always be the enforcer.  It’s a whole new balancing game and brings great challenges, but even bigger rewards.

Divorce has taught me a ton about myself, my friends, my loved one and the world in general. All valuable life lessons. It has made my life better by leaps and bounds and I hope, my kids' lives better in many ways as well. We are all learning and growing all the time. And if we continue to look at life's challenges as learning opportunities, and search for the positive in them, we become better too. Hugs and prayers to all of you who have been through or are looking at the possibility of divorce. I know you've got this! And remember that you always have me.