I don't hold grudges..

Recently I was accused of holding grudges.  Now the person who accused me of this did not come up with it on their own.  I have a pretty good feeling they were fed that "she holds grudges" by one of the few people in my past that has used up their last second chance.  

Yes, you read that correct.  I give a lot of second chances.  Too many probably.  But when you've used them up, you have used them up.  It's called the "door slam" effect.  Once I've decided I'm done giving you another chance I simply shut the door and we are done.  

At first it really upset me when I heard that she thought I hold grudges.  It's something that I have worked very hard all my life not to do.  It's something that I worked on in therapy.  Not holding grudges.  In fact Frank almost laughed when I told him I was afraid of being bitter and holding grudges when he tried to convince me to stand up for myself and cut ties with people who were not treating me with respect.  It seems I have the reverse problem.  

You see, I don't hold grudges.  I give chances.  I give second chances.  I give second second chances.  And when people tell me that they have changed or that they will change, I believe them.  And then I get hurt.  Again.  And again.  And I set myself up for that hurt because I keep expecting people to hold up their end of the deal and actually, you know, change.  Some people just can't.  

So no- I don't hold grudges.  I have learned (and it took me a long time and a lot of coaching from Frank) to stand up for myself.  To stop expecting people who have hurt me, lied to me, hurt those I love or let us down, to change.  Stop expecting them to be someone they aren't.  I can accept them for who they are.  I can even be civil, polite and kind to them.  But I do not have to allow them to hurt me any more.  I don't have to allow them in my life.  And I absolutely don't have to feel guilty for shutting people out of my life who have no business being there.  

So here's my words of advice for the day.  Don't be bitter.  Don't become hard.  Give second chances.  But also, remember facts.  And when people prove to you who they really are, listen to your gut, make the right choice for your happiness and do not, I repeat, do not feel guilty about protecting yourself from being hurt.  You're a door, not a door mat.  You do not have to open yourself up to hurt any more.