I knew there would be a lot of places where I would need to change my last name. Being previously married, divorce and going back to my maiden name, I was not a newcomer to name changes. I have also taken my fair share of ribbing. I believe my school administrator told me he wasn't changing it ever again so I am stuck with Andring forever. That's okay, I'll keep this one. That said, I did not realize what a HUGE hassle some places would make changing your name. Verizon and PayPal seem to have worked together to keep me in name limbo forever.
Three years ago when my divorce was finalized, I gleefully went about changing my last name everywhere that I possibly could. I was fairly successful until it came to Verizon. They willingly, okay not so willingly, changed it on my billing. Actually it came to the point where I told them that if the bill came with Onsager on it, I wasn't paying. But my name still showed up as Onsager every time I called someone. I tried a couple of times but no one on the Verizon end seemed to be able to help me and I got sick of sitting on hold. So I left it. And I just nod and grimace every time someone whispers it to me on the phone, "Did you know that your name still shows up as..." Yes. Yes I know and I give up.
Paypal also had an ironclad name change policy. Which is wonderful considering they handle my money. I'm thankful for that. But multiple attempts to upload the documentation necessary (including the blood of my first born, fairy tears and the petals from the Himalayan rose), never resulted in a name change on my account. So every time I used Paypal to buy something I had to message the people and ask them to please send to Melissa Kiehne not Onsager. Minor inconvenience, first world problems, right? Except now it is Andring and it would have been an even larger process to try to get the name changed as I would have had documentation to change the name to Kiehne first, then documentation to change it to Andring and since I'm changing bank accounts anyway, just delete the old and and start over. Right?
Hahahaha, you have to know it isn't that easy. So I open the new Paypal account. Easy peasy. Try to add my credit card and I can't. Why you ask? Because it is linked to my old account. No biggie, I'll just delete it from the old account. Except every time I try to remove the card I get a "Sorry, can't do that, try again later" message. Bummer. I'll just link my new bank account. Hmmmm.. three days later I get a "Houston we have a problem" email and try to go back in and do it again and get the "Sorry, can't do that, try again later" message.
Now, I'm not at the snap my laptop over my leg point yet. I have other things to try. Maybe I just need to verify my new account. Then everything should go as planned. So I go to verify my new account but guess what. I can't. Because... wait for it.... wait for it.... the name on my Verizon account doesn't match the name on my Paypal account. OF COURSE NOT! Verizon sucks and can't seem to figure out that divorce and marriage happens. But I'm not a quitter. I'm calling Verizon. So after 25 minutes on the phone with Paypal help, who basically told me that Melissa Andring doesn't exist, I tell them I will try calling Verizon. Mind you, the people at Paypal told me I don't exist in this world wide system for finding people that they spent big bucks on. I asked the lady how that is possible when I have changed my name at the Post Office, the Social Security Office and my driver's license, oh and my one credit card, and the bank. Apparently, "But I have a Facebook account in that name", doesn't work either. In case you all wanted to know, Verizon has more pull on your identity than any of those.
So I call Gabby at Verizon. Gabby is very nice. Just another 25 minutes off of my life and Gabby fixes my name on all my accounts. And somehow manages to accidentally change my address back to a house I had three houses ago. Luckily I got a text while on the phone with Gabby about changing my address with Verizon and we got that fixed in no time. She also talks me through the super simple process to change how my name will appear on caller ID right from my very own phone. Yay! Three and a half years later, my problem is finally solved! Thank you Gabby!
Except, I tested it out and guess what. Not fixed. And Paypal still can't find me, so I can't verify my account. So everyone. I no longer exist. Thank you. This means I won't be getting any bills in the mail, right? Non-existent people shouldn't have to pay bills. Just saying.
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