My best friend and I were talking about this the other day. Now we share a brain and are more like sisters than most blood relations, but I don’t think we are the only ones. Do you ever have those “poor me” days? The days when you just get overwhelmed and it takes the least littlest thing and it either puts you into the “yell at everyone and sort it out later” or “I’m just going to cry about the fact that my children once again left crap out for me to put away” mood. Do I think this means women are emotional and reactive. Possibly we are. Do I think that’s a bad thing? Absolutely not.
I think that women hold up their households for so long that eventually we just get tired. I think we pretend that things are okay and that we don’t mind being the one who has to pick up all the things and put them where they go. We pretend that it’s okay that we are the only ones that notice the half used toothpaste coating the bathroom sink. We pretend that it’s not a big deal that our kids never buy any food, never make a meal, never clean up a meal, but feel entitled to have an opinion about the meal put in front of them or complain the noodles are soggy. We pretend that it doesn’t hurt. We pretend that it doesn’t make us feel unappreciated and disrespected. We remind ourselves that we love them no matter what and we strap on our shields and keep on plugging away.
Until the day when we didn’t sleep so well the night before. Or we had a nightmare. Or a cold. Or we got bad news. And we are emotional, but that’s because we care. We care about how our kids feel, our significant others feel, our neighbors feel. Your worries become our worries. Your heartaches hurt our hearts. So when we have just had enough, when holding in our emotions and your emotions and his emotions and her emotions just becomes too much, sometimes we have a bad day. A poor me day. When it just all seems like a lot too much.
I had one of those days this week. It just all got to be a lot. It started over a plate. A plate of brownies that someone had finished the brownies on and left out for me to clean up and put away. It just overwhelmed me. One more thing. And suddenly all I could think about was anything and everything that’s been stressing me out the past few weeks. “I miss my mom, when will my kids start picking up after themselves, I’m failing as a parent, I’m the evil stepmother, when will we get paid for this or that, my fiance works so much and I miss him, it’s tax time already…” You know, every real and some manufactured problems washing over me like a tidal wave.
Bless those of you who get caught in the riptide. I tried to get ready and get out the door before Tim got home and the children were up because I didn’t want to worry him. Instead he got to see me in all my emotional and self loathing glory. I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough because, no matter how much someone else tries, you can’t fix it. It’s mine to fix. I just need the space, the emotional distance, to fix it myself.
How do you fix it? I think for everyone, that is highly personal. I have my methods. Of course one is to commiserate with my best friend. That always helps. There is a little bit of kicking myself and self talk about how I am a warrior and warriors don’t get upset and feel sorry for themselves. There is a little bit of looking up jokes and funny memes. But the biggest part of it all is reframing my negatives into positives. Looking at what’s wrong and finding the blessing in it.
*If I am failing at a parent in some way, I can use this as an opportunity to change my behavior, learn new ways to teach and deal with the problem and implement them. I can grow as a person and as a parent.
*If I’m frustrated about the kids complaining about dinner, maybe it is time to start having the kids plan the meal, shop for the meal, make the meal and clean up after said meal. This is probably overdue! And how fun could it be for all of us.
*If I miss my mom, how lucky am I to have had a mom that was such an amazing person and loved me so much that it is so hard to miss her and not have her to turn to. And I’m lucky enough to have an amazing stepmom who always listens.
*If I miss my fiance and he works a lot, how lucky am I that he is hard working and provides for his family instead of lazing about on the couch all day while I work two jobs. And how lucky am I to have a man that I’m so crazy about and is so good to me that I do miss him.
*If my kids are driving me crazy, I’m lucky to have 4 amazing kids who are smart, healthy and kind to drive me crazy.
You get the idea. It’s a count your blessings kind of day. My old therapist Frank listened to me whine one day. I was discussing how I had a hard time getting excited about things off in the future. I didn’t feel like good things ever happened to me. His response was to dig in his desk drawer and toss me a quarter. I caught it and he told me to keep it. I looked kind of befuddled, I’m sure, so he explained, “See, good things happen to you. You just got a quarter. It’s little. But it’s something.” Let that sink for a minute. I know the enormity of what he was proving to me took longer than it should have to sink in.
So with that, hugs to all my warrior women who fight the good fight day after day. And even on the days that you don’t, the days you let down your shields and have a good cry, never forget you are stronger than you think and good things do happen to you.
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