Life after a narcissist

This blog has been a long time coming.  Like a LONG time.   But there are so many emotions wrapped up with finally putting it down in print and being willing to put it out there to the public. Not the least of those is fear, a year later I still fear him. I’ve alluded to some of my past in previous blogs, but never taken the time to try to make sense of what happened and never considered sharing it with the general public.  Why now?  Because I never knew there were so many of us that had survived life with a narcissist.  After getting free myself I found a few pages and groups to try to make sense of what happened.  And it was a lifesaver to me.  I realized I was not alone, I was not stupid or naive, that it is a very real disease/disorder and that there was life after.  But what I didn’t realize, was how many of my very own friends, family, and acquaintances have been caught by a narcissist.  

I have done a TON of research on narcissism and surviving narcissistic abuse.  I know that it comes as no surprise to all of you that I read everything I could get my hands on about it.  All of it gave me this “aha” feeling of “I wasn’t just imagining it!” or “It wasn’t just me!”  It may seem unreal, but the more I knew, the better I felt.  So I read and absorbed everything I could.  

Psychology Today says that Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be defined as follows:  The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an "injury" in the form of criticism or rejection.

Okay - so that’s a whole lot of stuff right there.  And I can see why people often confuse a narcissist who is just a selfish asshole.  They are so similar.  But a true narcissist, clinically  has the symptoms of the disorder, is so much more than selfish.  They have to be smart for one.  Because they will lie and manipulate in such in depth, creative ways that a normal, rational human being can’t believe they are being manipulated because it doesn’t seem possible.  My ex prepared his lies months in advance of our relationship.  Laying the groundwork and preparing the backstory brick by brick.  There were stories about each of his ex’s (well - the ones he told me about, not the ones I found out about later) that painted them as the crazy ones so I would know not to listen to them.  There were stories of childhood abuse and emotional trauma so I wouldn’t trust his parents.  There were stories about injustices at work, in relationships and even stories that contradicted my very own memories from when I knew him when he was younger.  But so cleverly worded and worked that they made me question my version of the past.  

Narcissists tend to target empaths/”fixers” or people who see the good in everyone and want to help others.  Sounds like a good thing, right?  Except you can’t fix a narcissist, which is another big difference between a generally selfish person and a true narcissist.  A selfish person can be made to see the error of their ways.  They are capable of feeling bad when they hurt someone.  A narcissist does not.  Oh they will pretend to, but they are not sorry.  They are afraid of being caught.  Of being the one who gets dumped.  Of losing control of their “story” and not being in charge of how it goes. They will pretend to be sorry and beg you to forgive them.  My ex changed his story just enough for me to constantly feel like I had to stay.  At first it was a physical issue and I wasn’t being supportive or I was asking too much of him even though he was “injured”.  I couldn’t be the woman who dumped the injured guy.  When it kept progressing I was told he had reactive attachment disorder or maybe he was a narcissist - you see, yes, HE even said he had it in an attempt to make me feel sorry for him and want to stay to help him get better.  But I cannot say it enough.  You cannot cure narcissism.  Therapists can’t even cure it - they are too good at lying and manipulation for a therapist to get through to.

My ex was serial cheater.  He needed that constant attention, the thrill of someone new wanting him to keep him feeling good about himself.  I was not enough.  But he had excuses for every time he got caught.  The first time he got caught, it was my fault and his injuries fault.  My fault because he thought I was cheating on him so it was okay to cheat on me.  And his injury’s fault because he felt like less of a man so he searched her out to feel better about himself.  That actually may have been the most honest thing he ever admitted to.  The next time I caught him on his phone cheating I was told he was helping another woman with a similar injury.  She was supposedly suicidal so he couldn’t tell her he was in a relationship when she hit on him.  Another instance was a crazy woman who was stalking him and making up the texts that she sent me.  You’re probably asking yourself, how stupid was she to believe all these lies?  I could reply with “pretty stupid” - at least looking back.  But there are some things that led up to this that I will, most likely, not be able to explain well enough for someone who hasn’t lived it to understand.  

By the time these instances of cheating started coming to light, I was well into the gaslighting stage of the relationship.  I had come to believe that I couldn’t trust my gut, that I had the mental problems, that I was lucky to have him to put up with me and stand by me, and that I was making a big deal out of nothing.  I didn’t go into the relationship thinking he was a psychopath.  No one would go into a relationship with a narcissist if they didn’t wear a mask at the beginning.  Experts call this the “idealization phase”.   This is where the narcissist finds out everything about you and tries to transform to become your ideal partner.  They pretend to like the things you like, to want the same things in life, and tell you all the wonderful things about you that they can manufacture.  As you gain trust and start telling them your worries and fears, they do everything to prove to you that they are the exact opposite, they would never treat you that way.  As someone who was coming out of a relationship where I had been called “the dumbest smart person he ever met”, I soaked every bit of the new attention up.  I was naive.  I was blind.  But I refuse to believe I was stupid.  

Once you move out of the idealization phase, the narcissist starts seeing how far they can push you and you will still stay with them and forgive them.  This gives them great power over you.  How badly can they treat you and you will stay?  Think about it - this makes them feel all powerful, like they are some great prize you can’t give up.  But in order to do that, they have to remove people from your life that would point out the obvious to you.  That he/she isn’t treating you right.  My ex started with one of my best friends, quickly moved to my family and then tried to chip away at my remaining two good friends.  When I would comment that we didn’t go anywhere or do anything, I was told it was because my anxiety made people not want to hang around me.  I made people uncomfortable and I wasn’t fun.  I remember being horrified by that.  I still can’t believe I believed that, but I do remember sharing with some of my friends and them reassuring me that I was not the problem.  

I was told I was lazy, by the same man who never worked a day the entire time he lived with me (2 ½ years) until the last month.  I was lazy because I didn’t put a dish in the dishwasher because it was full.  Instead of immediately emptying the dishwasher, I put it in the sink.  My body was repulsive, my house was pathetic, my standards were too low (he may have been right about that when it came to him), my friends were liars and drunks, etc…  And all the while my gut is screaming “This isn’t right!  This isn’t how people in relationships treat each other.”  I remember crying one night and saying, “I just want someone to love me like I love them.”  I was told that I was being ridiculous.  Everyone loves differently and I was incredibly selfish to want someone to love me the way I loved them.  People, when you’ve been told something long enough, by someone you view as intelligent and observant, you believe it.  Looking back I can see how incredibly ridiculous it all sounds.  I have written pages in my journal of responses I wish I could go back and say instead of the pathetic backstepping and apologizing (yes I apologized for his mistakes) that I did do.  I cannot explain why I felt it was my fault.  I cannot explain why I ignored my gut.  I cannot explain why I never stood up for myself.  But I didn’t.  

I remember when I finally got out someone who was angry with me for my behavior during this time didn’t believe me when I said I got because of my therapist.  That therapy had finally empowered me enough to give me the strength to walk away.  During the course of the argument this person tried to claim that my therapist didn’t help me, I had no choice but to leave because he cheated on me.  I didn’t bother to try to correct him and let him know that the final time he cheated on me was not even close to the first or only time.  And that was only what I knew then.  More instances came out AFTER I asked the ex to leave.  I didn’t have to leave.  I had the strength to leave.  That was huge and that was new.

I owe a lot to my therapist.  I saw him over the course of a year.  Hit and miss, sometimes not for a few months at a time.  And then towards the end I saw him a lot.  My ex was not happy.  He felt that my therapist was trying to get me to break up with him.  He may have been right.  But what my therapist was really trying to do was get me to have my own self worth again, get me to see that I could survive on my own again, get me to realize that I was stronger than I thought I was and that there might be someone else out there who didn’t make me feel depressed, anxious and afraid.  He reminded me to trust my gut and stand up for myself.  He reminded me that my happiness was MY responsibility and that if I wasn’t happy, I needed to do something about it.  

Many of you know that I discovered the final instances of cheating because I picked up his computer, which he had given me the password to from the beginning and looked through his emails and Facebook messages.  And the crazy thing, I felt incredibly guilty about it.  And he knew me well enough to know I would.  As he refused to leave right away and we spent a couple weeks trying to coexist, I tried to keep the peace.  But he was just angry because “I had violated his privacy and his trust.”  Ummm… excuse me?  I violated YOUR trust.  Narcissists can’t see that they are wrong.  It is not in their power.  One night as I was arguing with him and telling him to get out, he blamed me for the cheating.  It was my fault because I had told my family about the first instance so he had to keep cheating.  *insert eye roll here

Why on God’s green earth would I share this story with the world at large?  It is easily one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Looking back over that time makes me feel incredibly gullible, naive, weak and stupid.  It has taken tons of research for me to see that what happened to me was not unique and that’s the scariest part about it all.  I share my story not to make myself look like an idiot, and absolutely not to make anyone feel sorry for me.  I’m a big girl, an adult and made decisions all on my own.  A lot of them really really sucked.  I joked once that I shouldn’t be allowed to make any decisions for a period of time until I got my head completely out of my butt.  But there was edge of truth to that.  So no pity party here.

I share this story because I learned a ton from it.  I learned that I was stronger than I thought.  I learned not to judge people by how they act on the outside because you don't know what inner battles they are fighting or battles they are fighting at home.  I learned that not all women are okay with being in a relationship with a cheater.  All the women that found out about me had the courage to tell me and tried to help me see the light.  They all broke things off and were disgusted by his behavior.  I learned which of my friends would always be there and would drop everything at a moment's notice to be by my side. I learned what I wanted in a relationship and that I was worth waiting for the right man, the real thing to come along. 

I share my story because I have seen it pop up on my Facebook a few times in the past couple of weeks.  It’s happening or has happened to people I know.  People I see around town.  People that I respect and wish better for.  I want them to know that I’m here.  I lived it and I’m here to listen.  They aren’t alone.  They aren’t crazy, or stupid either.  They fell for a skilled manipulator who was very good at what they do.  Who probably has had a lot of practice.  My therapist told me I was lucky to get out when I did.  I don’t think it had anything to do with luck.  I think it had everything to do with my friends that stood by me, my therapist who pushed me to see my strength, my own self worth finally overcoming what others had been telling me and realizing being alone had to be better than where I was.  But mostly God saying, “Enough is enough.  This is not my plan for you.”  

I hope that if anyone out there is reading this and thinking that my story sounds like their own, they take my words to heart.  Love isn’t supposed to be hard.  Get out.  Get help.  Get on with your life.  There is life after a narcissist.  And it is great.