I honestly do not know if I have been an empath my whole life. Now if you’re a fan of the TV show Charmed, I’m not talking about the kind of empath demonstrated by Alyssa Milano’s character, Phoebe. I can’t literally feel what you’re feeling. Your emotions don’t become mine, exactly. But empaths do absorb the moods and emotions of those around them. And we do struggle to separate our own emotions from those around us. One thing I do know is that I didn’t even know what an empath was until a few years ago when I went through therapy. I always thought there was something wrong with me. That I was just a worry wart, bossy, overly sensitive, had an obsessive need for order. Well, those things may still be true. But I understand more the why behind who I am so much more now.
I am an empath. This isn’t like AA, I’m not going to stand up a proclaim, “My name is Melissa, and I am an empath.” That would be stating that what I am is a problem that I need to overcome. Being an empath is not something that I need to change about me. I didn’t always feel that way. I didn’t always have people in my life who supported me being the way I am. These days I’m lucky enough to have support and self confidence enough to be able to not only to accept that I’m an empath, but to finally embrace it and see the positives. And I’ve found that there are many more like me. There are times when it is pretty reassuring that you’re not unique.
Being an empath has caused some little and big problems in my life. It isn’t always easy or fun. Being an empath made me an easy target for a narcissist. Part of being an empath is wanting to fix people and help people. So not only did it make me an easy target, but kept me in a relationship where I had no business. The following link is literally a step by step description of what that relationship went like. But I love the last one - #24: The empath will be stronger, wiser and more careful about who they give time, affection and love. There truly is a positive upside to everything and a better way of looking at things.
How does being an empath change your life?
- It means that sometimes I just can’t cope with crowds. It has gotten much better over the years. Large crowds used to literally scare me and send my anxiety through the roof. I’ve learned to actually enjoy being at events with lots of friends and family.
- It means that I need alone time to decompress. It used to hurt people’s feelings when I would just ask them to leave me alone. It used to make people think I was standoffish, anti social, a loner. I’m not a loner - I love people. I love visiting. But when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I need to escape into my own world. Running helps with that. Nothing like losing yourself in solace on a run and apparently that is more socially acceptable than just eating your lunch by yourself.
- I stink at putting my needs first. Over the years I have had to learn, and constantly remind myself, that I am not being selfish if I do something for myself every once in awhile. Part of being a good parent (a good friend) is taking time for yourself and taking care of your mental health too. I still stink at it, but I am working on it.
- There is nothing, and I literally mean nothing, that heals my mood and spirits like riding or even just spending time with my horses. The more time I spend at the barn and with the horses, the better my stress induced psoriasis gets. I have had people tell me over the years that I should get rid of horses, that I am selfish for keeping them. I have gotten to the point in my self awareness that I will get rid those people before I get rid of my horses. They are that important to my emotional well being.
- I am incredibly sensitive. My feelings get hurt easily. I feel emotions intensely and passionately. All emotions - hurt, anger, happiness, love, you name it, I feel it. A lot. People have described me as “moody”. This is difficult and something I have worked on over the years. It has been a long uphill struggle to learn to manage and control the emotions. I have learned not to respond to things right away until I have had a chance to calm down and think things through. I give myself time outs. Literally put myself in my room. I try not to make decisions when I am feeling any emotion too strongly. Even joy/happiness.
- I used to not be able to watch certain movies because they upset me. I distinctly remember turning off Planet of the Apes because it was too disturbing (the part with the little girl as a “pet” - could not do it). Now I can watch Criminal Minds.
- Part of the problem is that I absorb the emotions of those around me. That is something I haven’t been very good at working through. If I’m around someone sad, I’ll immediately feel sadness. If you’re crabby -I’m crabby. If you’re quiet, I’ll be quiet and introspective. It’s so frustrating to not know what you’re really feeling yourself and what emotions you are just picking up from those around you.
- Going along with this is the previous one is the quote or advice that so many people give. It has many versions but they all come back to not letting other people control your emotions. This is about as helpful to an empath as telling a ticked off person to “just relax”. I can get there eventually, but it takes a lot of self talk and support. It is in my nature to let others’ worries become my worries, their anger my anger, their joy my joy. Like I’ve been saying, I’m a work in progress.
9. Being an empath has also caused me plenty of hurt and pain due to people being disappointing me with their actions, their words, their inability to respect the feelings of others. I used to get so hurt by people who didn’t treat me the way I treated them. Or who I felt had betrayed my trust. I took it as my fault, that I wasn’t good enough or I had done something to make them think it was okay to treat me that way. There is a meme that goes around where it says something about others won’t be as good to you as you are to them. This may be true, but it also shouldn’t stop me from doing everything I can to continue to help others, be there for others and be the best friend that I can be. Sometimes the only reward we need, is knowing that we did the best we can to be the best person we can be.
I used to hate being an empath. It used to make me feel like a crazy person, that there was something wrong with me. I was always trying to be “less” of who I was, pretending to have it all under control and that no one could hurt me. But I have an incredible support system now that accepts every bit of me for the way I am. I’ve learned that I can control my reactions and work through a lot of what I’m feeling before I do things I regret later (usually). And slowly I’m learning that I’m okay, just the way I am.
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