With that said, you know what every parent LOVES to hear? Parenting advice! Especially from someone who screws it up regularly. But let's make a list of things we know we should do, wish we would do and hadn't thought of before. Some of these suggestions may be typical parenting advice. Some may not be so typical. What they are is a combination of what I have seen work in my household (or not work), what I have observed working for successful students and what I have heard worked for friends and family.
1. Limit screen time: Ugh - I know! Who wants to have that fight with their kids? But there isn't a study out there that says more screen time is good for our kids. Get them off their phones and communicating with real live people. Invite friends over (and take away the phones). Have a game night with the family. Have a cookout. Go for a walk. Work on homework together. Read a book. Do an art project. Do something! But don't let them hide behind their phones (or other devices), endlessly. It's something we all struggle with individually and I get that. But how do we help our kids not become so dependent on their devices? Through modeling and expectations.
2. Phones at night: Collect their phones at night before bedtime. Yep, my Sophie is going to hate that I shared this one because she HATES that I do this. None of her friends have to have their phones taken from them of course. But I'm okay with being the mean mom. Kids need to shut it off and shut down; much earlier than they think. My kids hate that I make them get up in the morning too. They NEED their sleep. Funny, but if you'd go to bed before 11:00, you might be able to get up in the morning? You know what else they don't need - drama when they are trying to sleep. More on that later.
3. Bedtime: Which brings me to bedtimes - kids need bedtimes and they need to be made to stick to them. I love the meme going around about how kids at bedtime become philosophers. Kids are experts at procrastinating and pushing back the bedtime. But it is important to have them and stick as close to them as you possibly can. Routine is good - but getting enough sleep is even better. Sleep keeps the red eyed, scowling, growling, grow fangs and suck the life out of you behavior almost away.
5. Love all things school related: Yeah, this is the unconventional advice. Pretend you love every subject. Or at least stress how you wished you had learned it, wished you had a better attitude about it or would love to learn more about it now. Nothing shuts a student's learning down faster than a parent saying, "I'm not surprised you're not good at it. I wasn't either." (Guilty of that one and I KNOW how damaging it is.) Or "you don't need to know that anyway so who cares". Guarantee you that if we are teaching it in school, they do need to know it and may use it again. Your child may or may not take your career path. How are you to say what they do and don't need to know in their future? Holy - our future is changing faster than we can keep up. Even if they follow your exact career path, who's to say they won't need whatever it is you're saying they won't need. So yes - fake it. You may not believe it, but they need to hear it. Loving all things school related also means supporting your child's teacher. If your little angel knows that you expect them to be a little angel at school and that if they aren't a little angel they will have consequences at home TOO, it is amazing that your little angel might actually behave like the little angel they can be.
6. Set goals: It's okay to push your kids. Be respectful, be kind, make sure you praise along the way, but set high expectations. Expect them to succeed in the activities they set out to do. I'm not saying that you should expect them to get straight A's. Set a goal for each project, each assessment. Help them study for a test and tell them - "Let's get the vocabulary section right! I'll help you make flashcards." I'm not saying they should lead the team in points or rebounds. Set a goal for the game. Tell them, "Hey tonight - let's get a couple rebounds and pass that ball." Set goals so that our kids can feel the joy of accomplishing them AND the failure of defeat. It's okay to not reach our goals. It's NOT okay to never try. Maybe the goal has nothing to do with what you think it should. I remember when one of Sophie's goals at a horse show was to make one new friend. Isn't that what sports should be about? Meeting people, teamwork, personal goals.... So set those personal goals and push your kids to reach them. In this day in age with participation awards, we can't rely on society to push our kids to succeed, we have to do that for them.
7. Positive attitude: Expect a positive attitude from your kids (most of the time). Of course we know that everyone has a bad day some of the time, but in general, we need to model and expect a positive attitude from our kids. Remind them that many of the things they are complaining about and saying "suck", they can't change. So they can go into it with a positive attitude or kicking and screaming. Which is going to be more enjoyable and helpful in the long run?
8. Obey the law: Seems like a pretty simple one to wrap your brain around? Right? Not so simple for some parents apparently. Teach your kids that it isn't okay to break the law, even if you don't agree with the law. If you want to contest a law, take it to the legislature. But drinking under age is not okay. Speeding or driving recklessly is not okay. Even breaking a city ordinance is not okay. And guess what parents, teaching our kids that "It's only against the rules if you get caught" is shitting parenting. Not a popular opinion with some people, I get that. But then, I'm not entirely popular with those people anyway so... eh? The truth is that we need to teach our kids that laws are there for a reason and we need to respect that. The health and well being of others is just as important as our own wants.
9. Relationship skills: Teach your kids relationship skills. They are going to have to deal with people the rest of their lives. They are going to be employees and possibly employers. They are going to have to call the electric company, get a loan, order food at a restaurant, etc.... Kids need help with relationship skills. We need to teach them that sometimes things won't go their way. Sometimes they will get in an argument or become angry with another person. How are they going to deal with that? Are they going to yell, scream, talk bad about that person, etc....? Or are they going to sit down, have a civil discussion and work through the difficulties? If we want our kids to exhibit mature and rational relationship behavior, we need to model it for them. Stop talking about others behind their backs. Stop judging others. Stop jumping to conclusions without the facts. Stop believing everything you read on the internet. Demonstrate for them that you can have an open, civil discussion and sometimes..... here's the real shocker.... you can even be wrong!
10. Be involved: You know what I notice about the highly successful students in my classroom? Their parents are involved. They know what is going on at the school (read all those annoying notes home and sign up for communication with the teacher, etc... ) and they participate when they can. They attend school functions and care about their school being successful. Their demonstration of pride in the school carries over into their students. It's absolutely amazing.
11. Chores or responsibilities: It's a science. Kids need responsibilities and chores to stay centered and see value in themselves in the family unit. They also need to learn to take care of themselves a few jobs at a time. If we do everything for our kids, what are they going to do when they have to go out on their own? Talk about culture shock. They will be back begging to live in mom and dad's basement until they can find a significant other who was raised right to take care of them. There is no reason our younger kids can't set a table, empty a dishwasher, feed the dog, run a vacuum, etc... There is no reason our older kids can't cook a meal, do their own laundry, mow the law, and so much more. You may think you're helping your kids by doing it for them, and for sure sometimes it is easier on us to just do it ourselves. Unfortunately, being a parent means putting the kids first and that means responsibilities and expectations.
12. Stop bailing them out: I get it, I really do. It's hard to see our kids struggle and fail. It's hard to see them make mistakes and suffer the consequences. But think back to yourself growing up and even as adult. How did you learn? Which lessons did you learn and never forget? I'm betting that your most memorable lessons were from your worst failures/mistakes. We need to stop bailing out our kids and let them take responsibility, and face the consequences, for their actions. The best thing we can do for them, is help them see that a failure or mistake doesn't mean the end, but instead teach them to use it as an opportunity to grow.
13. Be kind: The final and most important lesson of all, be kind. We need to teach our kids to be kind, and that means setting the best example possible. Teach your kids that they don't know everyone's story and to stop judging others. Stop complaining about that waitress, that store clerk, that guy on the end of the marketing call. Stop being impatient at the store, the laundry, or in your car. Be respectful and be kind. Be generous and be forgiving. Be a model of the kind of person you want your kids to grow up to be and remember they are always watching (and you better believe the are watching when you screw it up.) Admit your mistakes and show them how to say they are sorry, and mean it!
Well, I literally having been working on this blog and coming back to it for a month now. I think it is time to wrap it up and put it out there for all to see. I'm sure that if I kept it unpublished I could continue to add to it and work on it. I have lots of ways I want to be a better parent, and I am sure you do too. Maybe you can share some of your parenting advice (from someone who screws it up regularly) in the comments! The more the merrier!
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